Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

For being annoyed that MIL wants to spend more time with us

97 replies

Legawein · 11/08/2019 18:27

My MIL has started to get really pushy about seeing more of my DH and our DS, using her ill health as a reason, expecting to see them/us every day off he get from work. If I ring her for a chat, it's become all about how she misses "her boys" and how I'm lucky I get more chances to see my family because "I only work part time" (I work from home, pretty much locking myself in my office one day a week on one of DH days off, doing the rest after DS has gone to bed, and making phone calls when DS naps). We've always tried to split his days off between MIL, my family, and us time, going over every other week. She's been in poor health since before DH and I got together, but is now using it to browbeat DH into going over more often. He's started telling her that he's doing overtime, as any other reason just results in huge guilt trips. For a while he started going over on the days I'm holed away, but that didn't work out as she wanted DH to do jobs around the house or in the garden, but keeping an eye on DS whilst he did said jobs was too much for her. It's got to the point where I dread going, and don't really want to ring her. I'd prefer to sit down with her and discuss it, but DH tells me to just leave it be. Should we be spending more time with her? Or if not, should I at least try and talk to her about it?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2019 22:46

I would say cherish the time you have with her.

Well maybe. My utterly lovely MIL who died young, I would absolutely agree. We had her for too short a time. She was pushy and could be irritating but I would have spent more time with her given a chance.

And then there's my granny. Who complained constantly about her health and guilt tripped us and made everyone feel terrible. I remember the calls from when I was abut 10 years old. Her being passed around on the phone because it was all too depressing. She was always about the die. She lived for another almost thirty years and never stopped complaining. I don't wish I had spent longer with her. She was self-absorbed and made the people around her feel guilty and miserable.

So it very much depends on the person.

PanamaPattie · 11/08/2019 22:48

58! You've got years of this manipulation unless you stop it OP.

NoSauce · 11/08/2019 22:51

What’s her illness OP?

chocolatemademefat · 11/08/2019 22:59

She’s 58! She’s younger than me and I get treated the same way by my mother. Please don’t kow tow to her demands or you’ll have a miserable life. My mother thinks it’s my job to amuse her and keep her company and she’s 84 with health as good as mine. Step away slowly but surely or you’ll end up resenting every minute you spend being manipulated by her. She’s far too young to be behaving this way.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 11/08/2019 23:01

I'm a similar age to your MIL and would be horrified if I was such a burden to my DCs and their other halves. You've got me panicking now. How often would you say is acceptable OP?

partysong · 11/08/2019 23:03

Don't panic @RockingMyFiftiesNot - my mum is 62. We see her at least once a week (was more like 3x a week before children) and would love it to be more but neither of us have time around work. Equally would love to see FIL more. Don't assume everyone finds being with parents or IL's a burden.

user1471550615 · 11/08/2019 23:11

OP, I totally get where you’re coming from. My MIL is very similar (DH is an only child of a youngish single mother), the demands for time have always been high and have only got worse since the DC have arrived. DH uses work as an excuse as well as it is the only reason she accepts without a fight, spending time just us or, even worse with my family or friends, leads to huge arguments and total guilt trips.

We are in a far from ideal situation as it is only getting more tense with DS getting to an age that he might say something he shouldn’t so I don’t have much advice (just a lot of sympathy) other than to leave it to your DH. You cannot be anything other than the bad DIL if you bring it up with her...although given my MIL takes the worst interpretation of everything I do or say, maybe my view is skewed!

Original poster

Legawein · 11/08/2019 23:12

@PlutocratCow nope, single mum with only child, but had a lot of help from her parents. They gave her one of their houses, financially supported her until DH was in school and she could get part time work (and after that tbh but to a lesser degree) but she often mentions how she was able to spend every weekend with her parents until their death. And I think she believes my business is just a hobby, where in reality I have to cram full time work into part time hours (for part time pay) just so we have enough to pay the bills. I did look into getting a job, once we took childcare into account, I'd only be contributing £100 a month extra, so I decided against it. MY mum however, was VERY much like that but I nipped it in the bud pretty quick lol.

OP posts:

Original poster

Legawein · 11/08/2019 23:21

@user1471550615 it's not just me then. I guess my biggest problem is I usually deal with things head on (god knows where I get it from as my parents can take passive aggressiveness to a new art form). But I know she probably would take it the wrong way.

OP posts:

Newtothis2017 · 11/08/2019 23:34

Cant believe you think 2 visits a month is great. I dont know if it is a cultural difference but being irish I find that outrageous. I try to find the time at least 3 days a week to visit my parents. Even a short visit of half an hour makes them and me so happy ( some visits are much longer). They wont be here forever and I will regret not seeing them when I can.

Original poster

Legawein · 11/08/2019 23:35

@RockingMyFiftiesNot I never said that seeing her was a burden, just that if we don't go every week on the one free day we get, it doesn't seem to be enough for her. If your DC said that actually they were visiting partners parent one week, would you give them a hard time? Plus, she wants DH to go on his other day off a week, but not take DS as she can't cope with him if DH does any jobs for her (I'll admit, he's a handful. 18m old and into everything).

OP posts:

NoSauce · 11/08/2019 23:36

Why won’t you say what her illness is OP?

ineedaholidaynow · 11/08/2019 23:40

NoSauce how often do you think people should see their parents if they both work and parents live nearby, so it's not like one set live miles away so can only be seen every few months?

By the sounds of the OP the MIL seems to think if the DH is free he should be seeing her. I hope I never get to be like that with DS when he leaves home. Yes I would like to see him, but want him to have his own life. When free time is precious it is hard to fit everything in and if you have only a few days a month when you have free time with your partner and DC I wouldn't want to be demanding that a large proportion of that would be spent with me.

Original poster

Legawein · 11/08/2019 23:41

@Newtothis2017 how far away do your parents live? I'm betting its not an hour and a half's drive away.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 11/08/2019 23:42

I’ve already said it’s hard when parents are working and have children to fit everything in. I’m just curious whether MILs illness might mean she could do with seeing her son more than she is that’s all.

Original poster

Legawein · 11/08/2019 23:42

@NoSauce because its not relevant and really none of your business.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 11/08/2019 23:43

But OP isn’t going to say what it is which makes me think it’s something quite debilitating or serious.

NoSauce · 11/08/2019 23:45

None of this is anyone’s business. But having relevant facts help posters give appropriate advice and not just what you want to hear.

ineedaholidaynow · 11/08/2019 23:45

Newtothis2017 do you see your inlaws as often? What hours do you work?

LagunaBubbles · 11/08/2019 23:49

You seriously need to get a grip on this. Who are these fictitious future women who will steal your menfolk?

Er I'm not sure about stealing but you see plenty of selfish women on here who seem to want their DHs to forget all about their parents, especially mothers for no good reasons.

usernamexox · 11/08/2019 23:51

@NoSauce
MYOB about the illness, can you really not grasp it's identifying?

Original poster

Legawein · 11/08/2019 23:53

@NoSauce I've already put as much as I feel comfortable in a public forum. It's chronic (ie lifelong), but not terminal or immediately life threatening. As I put earlier, her Dr has said she's stable and has a life expectancy of AT LEAST 15-20 years. There are surgeries she could have to prolong her life more, but he doesn't think they are necessary at the moment. She's not housebound, and gets help around the house so she doesnt push herself too far. What more really do you want?

OP posts:

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 11/08/2019 23:53

There's no universal set amount of time that is 'right' to spend with a relative. What's reasonable here depends on a lot of factors.

Did you say she lives 90 minutes away? Seeing her almost every week seems like a lot in that case.

Your DH needs to step up and manage her. Let him decide how often works for all and then he should take the lead with you supporting him. If you have regular and reliable times you catch up, traditions you share etc then perhaps MIL can be re-educated to look forward to those and not be constantly pressuring you for more.

Badgering DH while he was on paternity leave was not ok, but unless she is like that in general I'd try to let it go and not characterise her behaviour as toxic.

NoSauce · 11/08/2019 23:56

Fair enough OP. I’m sorry for pushing you. I just thought if it was something that was very debilitating it might be more understandable that she would lean on her son.

dollydaydream114 · 12/08/2019 00:03

To people saying 'There's nothing wrong with her wanting to see her family' - well, of course there isn't. But there is something wrong with her wanting to see them every single day that her son has off work, which is what the OP says she's been demanding.

It's lovely to have regular contact with a grown-up child. It doesn't have to be every single time that child has a moment of free time. Every adult needs time to spend with their partner and children and their friends. They can't see their mother every single day that they don't have to go to work because they have their own family now. That's life, and any normal MIL understands that.

Flip

1 2 3 4