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AIBU?

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Original poster

For being annoyed that MIL wants to spend more time with us

97 replies

Legawein · 11/08/2019 18:27

My MIL has started to get really pushy about seeing more of my DH and our DS, using her ill health as a reason, expecting to see them/us every day off he get from work. If I ring her for a chat, it's become all about how she misses "her boys" and how I'm lucky I get more chances to see my family because "I only work part time" (I work from home, pretty much locking myself in my office one day a week on one of DH days off, doing the rest after DS has gone to bed, and making phone calls when DS naps). We've always tried to split his days off between MIL, my family, and us time, going over every other week. She's been in poor health since before DH and I got together, but is now using it to browbeat DH into going over more often. He's started telling her that he's doing overtime, as any other reason just results in huge guilt trips. For a while he started going over on the days I'm holed away, but that didn't work out as she wanted DH to do jobs around the house or in the garden, but keeping an eye on DS whilst he did said jobs was too much for her. It's got to the point where I dread going, and don't really want to ring her. I'd prefer to sit down with her and discuss it, but DH tells me to just leave it be. Should we be spending more time with her? Or if not, should I at least try and talk to her about it?

OP posts:
Each2TheirOwn · 11/08/2019 20:59

Life is short and your DH/DS should cherish the time they have with their DM/DG. Regrets last a lifetime!

I'm not saying your DH should be at her beck and call but if she is older and in poor health (regardless of how long it's been ongoing), he should be ensuring that he is available to her. The fact that this is a relatively recent thing (her wanting to see them more often), suggests that she is feeling lonely or frightened. Getting DH to do jobs around the house may be a ruse to keep him there longer.

I'm speaking from experience here. My DGM died less than 3 months ago (unexpectedly, although she was ill) and this is what happened in the months leading up to her passing. I (along with my DM and DA) was at her house constantly and our presence provided much needed comfort and reassurance.

Please support your DH in being there for his DM, the worst thing you can do is make him feel like he has to choose between pleasing you or her (I'm not suggesting that that's what you are doing).

It's a difficult situation.

NoSauce · 11/08/2019 21:12

OP?

thecatinthetwat · 11/08/2019 21:28

if the shoe was on the other foot so to speak and you were the MIL not seeing enough of your children or grandchildren, how would you feel?

I’d make them see me against their wishes. I’d make them feel really guilty if they didn’t see me as often as I wanted. And basically make sure they really resented me for it.

You can read up on the cost of guilt tripping if you want. The guilt tripper never realises the cost.

Original poster
Legawein · 11/08/2019 22:01

She's not terminal, Dr has told her that with correct management of her condition she could easily live at least another 15-20 years. We go over about twice a month, and DH meets her for lunch once a month. As I said, he did go over once a week with DS when I'm working, but it got to be too much for her. She has a fairly good social life, has coffee mornings, meets friends, her siblings come up for a weekend about once a month, so it's not like we're her only point of contact with the outside world. She has a cleaner three times a week, and a gardener once a month, so she is getting help other than us. No FIL, he bailed before DH was born and didn't want to know. In fairness to DH, he has spoken to her about it, but it doesn't stop her, so he's just taken to telling her he's got overtime instead as she doesn't argue with that. It only seems to be a problem when he's spending time with DS and me, or visiting my family. And I only ring her to ask if there's anything she needs picking up when we come over, but I've already said to DH that he can do that in the future (I don't make him deal with my mum and her pressure on other things so it's only fair lol). As for how I'd feel with my DS, I want him to be independent and have his own life, and not feel that he has to give up any part of his life for me

OP posts:
LadyRannaldini · 11/08/2019 22:05

As a mum of sons (young teenagers) I'm already starting to get upset about the future and potential lack of contact due to potential DILs not wanting me about. Your DH is her baby. Remember that when you look at your DCs and think about your future as a MIL. How will you feel?

Well said! I do feel that some young women are very selfish, they want to immeditely cut off their husband altogether from his birth-family, to be with their 'little-family', a vomit-worthy phrase. They insist that their husband always 'supports' them, ie agrees never to have a contrary opinion.
I wonder if the OP here would adopt the same attitude to her mother, I seriously doubt it.

thecatinthetwat · 11/08/2019 22:11

Op, does your dh actually want to go more often or not?

Some people are assuming you are stopping him. So please clarify if he actually wants to go, but you don’t want him to. It doesn’t sound like it, but just checking.

Original poster
Legawein · 11/08/2019 22:13

Also, DH feels that we do spend enough time with her. And no, her condition hasn't worsened recently. In fact at last appointment Dr was pleased with how stable she is. Last big problem was when DS was born (we were both in hospital at the same time) and she got arsey then because he didn't visit her every day and she knew he was on paternity leave

OP posts:
NoSauce · 11/08/2019 22:16

It’s hard when you’re busy working and have a young family, I don’t think twice a month is a lot though if I’m honest.

But if that’s all you can manage then it’ll have to do.

How old is she OP?

pictish · 11/08/2019 22:18

Does he have siblings or was it just him and his mum in the home growing up?

Original poster
Legawein · 11/08/2019 22:20

@thecatinthetwat no he doesn't lol. His attitude is, we go when we can around his shifts and my work, and having a bit of our own life, and if she can't accept that it's her problem. He tells her he's working cos it's the only thing that stops her pressuring him.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 11/08/2019 22:28

She sounds toxic tbh, I had my suspicions and your latest messages confirm it. She is manipulative and possibly narcissistic - the kind of parent who expects a daily visit from a son on PATERNITY LEAVE (who might therefore have a few other things to do!) is clearly not quite right in the head. There is something dysfunctional going on here. And some people (including some of the people posting on this thread) are not going to get it.

FWIW I recommend the Susan forward books (Toxic parents and Toxic in-laws) which might seem like overkill but they are so helpful, lots of lightbulb moments even if you feel your parents/in-laws are "not that bad".

Original poster
Legawein · 11/08/2019 22:29

@NoSauce every other weekend my partner get off. He works every 5th weekend, but gets days off in the week instead, when he meets her for lunch. I work one of the days he gets off each week, plus evenings in the week. And she's 58.

OP posts:
Curiousdad18 · 11/08/2019 22:31

@PlutocratCow - amen to that. My mother is like this. Has never had our daughter waa so much as half an hour but constantly says "I don't know what you two do all day". We went LC to get some peace from her

NoSauce · 11/08/2019 22:32

She sounds toxic tbh, I had my suspicions and your latest messages confirm it. She is manipulative and possibly narcissistic

OP does this sound like your MIL?

I would be very wary about taking that sort of advice from complete strangers with their own agenda.

NoSauce · 11/08/2019 22:34

What’s her “ill health” OP?

AnotherEmma · 11/08/2019 22:35

Agenda? What possible agenda could I have?! Confused

AnotherEmma · 11/08/2019 22:36

However you have nicely proved my point that some people just don't get it!

itsahardknocklife87 · 11/08/2019 22:36

I'd do anything to still have my MIL here. She had a massive cardiac arrest and we miss her so much.

Original poster
Legawein · 11/08/2019 22:38

@LadyRannaldini it's not about cutting her off. And I note you say how would I feel if it was my own mother. I see her once a month. On one of the two weekends when DH isn't working, plus I meet up with her and my sister once in a blue moon for coffee if we're all free (last time was three months ago)

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 11/08/2019 22:38

She’s 58!!! Blimey I thought you were going to say she was 80!
I’m 59 and my dc’s keep wanting to come and stay for the weekend, only problem is it ruins my social life Smile.
She needs some new hobbies and friends

NoSauce · 11/08/2019 22:42

AnotherEmma iirc you’ve had problems with your own MIL?

Sorry if it’s not you.

AnotherEmma · 11/08/2019 22:42

"I'd do anything to still have my MIL here. She had a massive cardiac arrest and we miss her so much."

I'm sorry for your loss but that is no help whatsoever to the OP. Why people feel the need to contribute to the guilt tripping is beyond me!

Some people really DON'T GET IT and that's because you are lucky enough to have normal parents/in-laws and good uncomplicated relationships with them.

My DH has actually told me that in a way it would have been easier for him if his parents had died instead of falling out with him, hurting him so badly and sabotaging any kind of reconciliation that he now feels the relationship is beyond repair Sad

AnotherEmma · 11/08/2019 22:44

NoSauce
Yes I have but that doesn't mean I have an agenda FFS.
It just means I have a little more understanding and empathy than some.
I am well aware of the danger of projecting which is why I only mentioned my toxic/dysfunctional theory when there were more posts and there was more info to go on.

NoSauce · 11/08/2019 22:45

You are projecting Emma, I’m sorry things are so bad for your DH and his parents but it’s unfair to think that every MIL is toxic or a narc because they want to see their family.

AnotherEmma · 11/08/2019 22:46

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