For being annoyed that MIL wants to spend more time with us

[Legawein]

My MIL has started to get really pushy about seeing more of my DH and our DS, using her ill health as a reason, expecting to see them/us every day off he get from work. If I ring her for a chat, it's become all about how she misses "her boys" and how I'm lucky I get more chances to see my family because "I only work part time" (I work from home, pretty much locking myself in my office one day a week on one of DH days off, doing the rest after DS has gone to bed, and making phone calls when DS naps). We've always tried to split his days off between MIL, my family, and us time, going over every other week. She's been in poor health since before DH and I got together, but is now using it to browbeat DH into going over more often. He's started telling her that he's doing overtime, as any other reason just results in huge guilt trips. For a while he started going over on the days I'm holed away, but that didn't work out as she wanted DH to do jobs around the house or in the garden, but keeping an eye on DS whilst he did said jobs was too much for her. It's got to the point where I dread going, and don't really want to ring her. I'd prefer to sit down with her and discuss it, but DH tells me to just leave it be. Should we be spending more time with her? Or if not, should I at least try and talk to her about it?

I’ve got to laugh at the posters saying you’ll regret not spending more time with her and cherish the time you have now, I for one won’t regret not spending more time with my parents or in laws and we see them much less often than you OP.

We all die at some point, I’m sure I’ll be sad once they’re gone, but I definitely don’t want to give up my precious free time to sit listening to them moan about the man across the road who washes his car 3 times a week or Sheila’s daughters friend’s cousin who’s really put on weight since her husband left her for the man who works in the library.

The other thing to bear in mind when you have older children is they start to have clubs/activities/parties to go to which start to eat into free time as well. When DF was alive my parents lived a similar distance away as OP’s MIL. There is no way they would expect DS to forego his activities so that they could see us more regularly.

That is probably another generational thing that some grandparents don’t get as well as the long working hours, as children have more structured lives than they did generations ago. Although OP’s MIL is not really that old.

The reality is that she will be gone one day so DH should be putting more effort into his family life and days off should be spent with wife and DC in the first instance. MIL should recognise that.

@NoSauce sorry if that was snappy, but if we thought her illness really was the reason we'd both be there in a heartbeat. I know it might not sound like it, but I'm genuinely fond of her. This issue has cropped up a a couple of times since DH and I have been together, and he's told me that it's happened in previous relationships as well. But he seems to think tgat telling her once is enough, and if she won't accept that to tell her he's working instead (which is the only accepted excuse for not going)

@dollydaydream114 yes that's exactly it. You've put it so much better than I have. I think some people have took it that I don't want to see her, which is not the case at all. Just not every single day off that DH and I get.

I also think that grandparents have to be more mindful of 'Am I good company? Am I putting effort into being the kind of person that people want to spend time with?'

Rather than just using guilt and a notion of familial entitlement when they push for more attention and time.

My great grandmother was such a positive person, so interested in the world, so welcoming. She didn't need to push for our time and attention because she was the kind of person people want to spend time with.

If she had used every visit to moan, complain about neighbours, tell us what we're doing wrong, pointing us to tasks that needed doing and then complained we didn't come enough... I think we would have seen less of her.

Obviously when you're dealing with chronic illness it's hard to be cheery all the time and it's fair to expect some extra family support, but I wonder if the mindset to people's time needs to shift a bit so the older generation looks at is as less of an entitlement and more of a relationship with involves give and take.

Considering what you posted, I think you should just leave it to your DH to handle and if he doesn’t want to make any more effort into seeing her then that’s it. There are only 4-5 weekends a month. If you’re visiting her 1-2, dh visiting about 1- 3, visiting your parents once a month, then it doesn’t sound like you are getting a lot of family time outside of work. Add in her social life and her siblings visiting once a month for a weekend, it doesn’t sound like she is ever without some type of social interaction, if I read everything correctly. I’m with your dh. I wouldn’t be wanting to make a three hour trip every week on top of work.

Does she come out and visit you all instead of you having to come to her?

YANBU at all.

When you both are at work (including weekend shifts) and she lives an hour and a half away, then I'm pretty impressed you get there twice a month, tbh.

Does she ever get on a train / coach, or drive up to see you as a family ?

Get dh to point out to her that, as you both work you have to fit in all your own gardening / decorating / housework / shopping / laundry / paperwork around the working hours too, and that actually, you do also occasionally want to spend time just as a couple or as a house family.
On one of their lunches, he might be able to bring into the conversation that the more time she spends moaning at either of you, the less attractive it becomes for you to even want to give up precious days off driving over to see her.

YANBU at all - and I speak as the mother of a ds, who may well make me into a MiL in the near future. I hope he never feels pressured to want to come and see me. I like to hope we will continue to enjoy each other's company and actually want to try to fit each other in to our own busy lives.

It only seems to be a problem when he's spending time with DS and me, or visiting my family

I see … in that case it appears this may be more a competition for attention than an actual need, and probably not something you'll want to encourage

Personally I think you're getting things about right; you see her regularly, your DH has a healthy attitude around his priorities and MIL has plenty of help and other interests. A pretty good balance all round in fact, so given her age and life expectancy I wouldn't be rocking the boat by rewarding too many demands

@phoenixrosehere both DH and myself thought we were balancing quite well until recently. And no, she doesn't come to ours as the travel is too much for her. She doesn't drive so its either a taxi, or a train and two buses, so it is a bit much. The only time she did come over, we picked her up from the train station, and she stayed the whole weekend, but our dog kept getting into bed with her (don't know why as she's not allowed on the beds and she knows this) and she doesn't like to sleep with the door fully closed as she finds it claustrophobic. (I sleep with our and DS bedroom door open as I'm partially deaf so with doors closed I can't hear him if he cries at night. Even if it's just to kick DH and tell him it's his turn )

Sorry about the lack of punctuation. I didn't preview the last reply. I've just read it and cringed. Think I need to go to bed!

Also, she doesn't moan when we're there. She'll make jabby little comments in a sickly sweet voice, such as how nice it is to see us at last, how she's missed her boys, and "jokingly" say we ought to move closer to support her in her old age, stuff like that. But once she's got it our of her system she's pretty good fun. She's got an absolutely wicked sense humor when she wants. She has odd days where she's a bit arsy the whole visit, but who doesn't have bad days? But she moans to DH on the phone, and she's a lot nastier to him. She's accused him of abandoning her more than once. But I do think those times coincide with when she's felt shitty (not that it's an excuse). She tried it once with me and a told her I wasn't having it, so she's never done it to me since.

As a mum of sons (young teenagers) I'm already starting to get upset about the future and potential lack of contact due to potential DILs not wanting me about. Your DH is her baby

No he isn't her baby - he is her son. They grow up and take on additional responsibilities. My sons don't love me less as adults but they have other responsibilities as well and I am not the only person in their lives.

This MiL is wanting all of the free time devoted to her at the cost of any time to themselves or time with the other DGP. That is not reasonable.

OP my MIL never visits us either because the journey is too much for her and lives 90 minutes away as well. It drives me nuts that she acts like it’s no distance at all (when we’re travelling to see her) and never asks us how the journey went.
We go once a month so I think you’re doing well going twice a month.
I note that the poster saying that they go three times a week never responded. I guess they assumed that everyone’s parents live around the corner.

Yanbu. My parents are in bad health, they are getting more demanding.
I'm kind of in the mindset of it wont be forever but I am nearly 40 and Dad will probably be around in 10 years.
He is healthier than DM but incapable of doing shop runs for more than a paper.
I don't know what the answer is but I am making a conscious decision to have a life when I am older, make provisions and not expect to phone or visit my DC daily, we are their interests and they expect something every day.

My parents unfortunately live around the corner.

"Cherish the time you have with her"....ugh. our in laws were like this. Very demanding on our time, but they never came to us in 15 years. It goes both ways. If you are a nice person who makes a difference, people are going to want to spend time with you. You can't spend all your life running round after people who don't do the same for you, it's draining. You have to ask the question..What did they do in their younger years for others.

2 visits a month is very generous. You must in the same town. Because many I know are lucky to see their mum 2 times a year. When I was 4, mum and dad moved to another state that was 3000 ks away. Mum would see her mum maybe every 2 years after an 18 hour bus trip. Seeing your mum 3 times a week sounds absolutely ridiculous to me, you may as well just move back home to mums and live there. When you grow up, move away, have a family, it's the natural order of life. Starting your own life! Your own family. It's called flying the nest. I think people forget that many rarely see their parents. twice/3 times a month is pretty darn generous, she has no reason to complain. Any more than that you are living in each other's pockets.

It's weird to me that you think seeing your mum 3x a week is weird!

How can it be?

My mum is brilliant, she's clever and funny and kind. She's one of my favourite people in the world.

You seem to assume mums are simply mummies- just bodies to knock out a child, raise it and send it on its way. In contrast, my mum is a human. An actual person who I really enjoy spending time with. I don't see how it's any weirder than wanting to see your partner every day?

58 isn't the slightest bit old!!!

It's weird to me that you think seeing your mum 3x a week is weird!

I think it's unusual in the sense that pretty much everyone I know socially either works such long hours (when you think door to door Inc commute) or lives so far away from parents.. or a combination of the two.. that it's not even a possibility for most folk, surely?
I mean, for me, the question is when can it be fitted in logistically, not only when do I want..

If I wanted to visit my parents home 3x a week I literally have no idea how that could be arranged between work hours, school commitments, distance etc

Ah my mums home is on the drive back between my work and home which I guess makes it loads easier