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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to feel defeated

102 replies

Punkatheart · 11/08/2019 17:43

I don't want to bore you, but I am reaching the end of my coping resources. Eight years ago my 'lovely' partner of twenty years simply left me. He did not really explain but said my daughter and I were 'a burden' and he wanted to be free. I had been diagnosed with lymphoma in 2003 and I was very ill at the time. My daughter, who adored her father and was 14, reacted very very badly - with real physical symptoms like passing out. They sent her to a cardiologist at one point and then she started having mental health issues, not helped by large amounts of drug taking. Ex partner was terrible because my daughter wouldn't see him and he took it out on me. Told me that I had been 'special, but not THAT special' and called me a liar when I went to him for help with my daughter's problems.

Daughter's issues went on for a very long time and she ended up in America, homeless and then back in this country living in a caravan, with a large dog. I begged her to come home, which she has done. A couple of weeks ago, I was told that my cancer has probably spread. When I returned from hospital felling shaky, my daughter had made a serious suicide attitude. She was found in some woods and a very kind man got an ambulance. She is currently on mood stabilisers and is about to start therapy. We had tried all this when she was younger but it was hopeless - she wouldn't talk and just seemed locked within herself. I was so bloody ill I could often not cope with it.

I told her father about the suicide attempt. He did not respond and £1,000 appeared in my daughter's account. Of course we could do with the money but some kindness and concern would have meant so much difference.

This week I have a biopsy of my lymph node as a 'hot' area appeared on my PET scan. I am more concerned that my illness may progress quickly and it will affect my daughter's recovery. I also have very little work at the moment and I am struggling financially. My daughter and I are very close and we both have a dark sense of humour. My ex continues to be enormously successful in his profession and unfortunately his face appears in newspapers and TV. Everyone thinks he is lovely.

Sorry - I really have bored you. But I feel I have been as strong as possible for a rather long time. Now I feel like I need to cry in a corner for a while and panic about the future. Oddly, watching endless episodes of The Walking Dead relaxes me - I feel too like a walking dead person. Please tell me happy, sunny things about your day and your life. I love seeing friends' happiness and maybe to see the world in a sunnier light, with good people.

I will only admit here that I am scared. I am very tired of suffering. I am in pain every day and I panic about my daughter when I leave the house. She is such a beautiful precious girl but seems so damaged and periodically unhappy. It really hurts - but as parents - I know you would understand.

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Cryalot2 · 11/08/2019 17:50

Flowers sorry to hear , you are going through so much .I am only wishing i could offer some positive hope. Feel free to rant. Are you getting any support from professionals or support groups?
Your ex could do more. I am so curious as to whom he is.

MatildaTheCat · 11/08/2019 17:52

How dreadfully difficult. Do you have friends or family to lean on?

If at all possible build a team of trusted people around you and ask for help. This team will be partly trusted professionals and partly friends etc.

It sounds trite but you really can only take one day at a time.
Wishing you both well and better things ahead.

AnnieCat84 · 11/08/2019 17:53

Didn't want to read and run!

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. You sound like an incredibly strong person and it sounds like you and your daughter have a really close bond! Make sure you are getting support from other places - have you got other people you can talk to?

Your ex sounds like an absolute arse by the way. Angry

MondayAlready1 · 11/08/2019 18:01

I'm really sorry to read this - do you have any other family? Can anyone else recommend suitable support groups?

ToLiveInPeace · 11/08/2019 18:01

I'm so sorry everything is so hard. My DH is often suicidal so I understand how hard that is. I wish you could avoid your ex... his high profile is unavoidable but do you and DD need to stay in contact? He sounds pretty toxic.

So kind of you to ask about happy things. We're building a garden... I hope it will be lovely and a place of peace and calm.

Good luck for your biopsy... I wish you the very best. Please take the very best care of yourself x

ToLiveInPeace · 11/08/2019 18:03

Also: I'm quite sure that you haven't bored anyone. Post here whenever it helps.

Lazydaisies · 11/08/2019 18:06

Gosh Punk what an ordeal. Your ex is a total knob. I would guess that part of your DDs struggles are coming to terms with having a knob for a father who by the sounds of it the rest of the world fawns over. The poor thing. You poor thing. It sounds so tough.

I actually think you deserve a fucking medal going through all of this, caring for your daughter, recovering alone from cancer, ending a relationship with a man you loved but who turned out to be a self centred arse.

You should go have a good therapeutic cry. At the absolute shit hand you were dealt, let yourself feel the pain and let it out. Get angry, get sad, get more mad and then sleep loads and wake up tomorrow feeling more able to face the undeniable challenges that are there.

I really hope you have some support with all of this, I really do. You sound absolutely awesome.

Strawberryletter24 · 11/08/2019 18:17

No concrete advice but no don’t blame you for feeling wiped out, that’s a lot of tough things to deal with, not surprised you feel pooped - sending Flowers and Cake.

My dog just did a squeaky fart and looked really confused, which is probably the sunniest moment of the afternoon here so far Grin

Punkatheart · 11/08/2019 18:18

What lovely people you all are - thank you for those words. I love the idea of building a garden, ToLiveInPeace. I love being in the garden and I grow some of my own food. Animals help. Nature helps. Words help. Thank you again.

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Punkatheart · 11/08/2019 18:20

Squeaky dog farts are hilarious. Ours does silent nitrogen mustard gas ones that clear the room!

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GiveMeHope103 · 11/08/2019 18:22

Gosh op how heartbreaking. Here to listen to you. I'm very sorry for all your suffering. Your poor Dd was so affected by her father. Do you have any sort of support system - friends or family?
What this man did - there are no words.

Punkatheart · 11/08/2019 18:30

I spent twenty years with a person I considered to be the sweetest, kindest and most gentle soul. His industry alas makes people harder and more ruthless. I do have a lovely family and currently a telephone counsellor from my hospital, who is wonderful. I think I mourned for the person was ex was, as if he had died. It was a horrendous shock and sad too because my daughter really wanted to go into the same industry. He could have given her some fabulous work experience but she really won't contact him. I do sometimes want to shake him until his teeth rattle. The only surprise is that recently my daughter met up with her grandmother, his mother. I have never ever heard her criticise him but she admitted that what he did was wrong. Relationships break up but it's important how you end a relationship, particularly if you have children. I just want a cuddle from Norman Reedus (Daryl in The Walking Dead) and some luck of some description wihich might change our lives. I like to lie in the bath and daydream a better life. The only plus side is I cannot put weight on at the moment so I am shovelling in food.

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Fcukthisshit · 11/08/2019 18:43

Your ex sounds like a turd. Sorry you’re going through so much x

Clariana · 11/08/2019 18:44

Oh OP how awful for you. You sound like an amazing, strong person. Please continue to take care of yourself and your daughter.

Earlier, I was driving and it was rainy / sunny and then suddenly the start of a rainbow appeared to come out of the bonnet of my car. It was so beautiful. I am trying to wish it to you.

Punkatheart · 11/08/2019 18:45

A rainbow - how gorgeous. This really is rainbow weather...

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nonevernotever · 11/08/2019 19:08

You have been through so much and still sound so strong. I'm sitting here hoping that your luck will change.

Today I got to cuddle some 6week old kittens. One sat on a friend's knee on the sofa. Her sister tried to jump up too, missed, sat down with a thump on her bottom, looked round to see if anyone had noticed, and when she saw us all watching her she got so embarrassed she hid under the sofa for ten minutes.

Purplerain16 · 11/08/2019 19:12

I can't say anything to help or to make the pain go away.
But I just want to give you and your daughter a massive hug. Flowers

SteelRiver · 11/08/2019 19:17

I was visiting one of the Slate Islands in western Scotland recently and the residents were holding a scarecrow festival. This one made me chuckle!

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a horrendous time, OP. I hope you'll keep posting here so you know you're not alone. Sending a virtual hug.

...to feel defeated
Punkatheart · 11/08/2019 20:19

Loving the scarecrow, kittens and hugs. xx

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Jux · 11/08/2019 20:43

Oh you poor things.

Grass him up - sell your story to the papers. He deserves it, and you could do with the dosh even if it's only a few grand.

My happy story is that dd went to the Cropredy festival, has just returned home and it's lovely to see her. The cats are all climbing over her vying for pole position. She's knackered but so happy, everyone was so friendly and helpful and she's made tons of friend whom she'll see next year. 😃

Punkatheart · 11/08/2019 21:24

It's so good to see them happy.

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Lazydaisies · 12/08/2019 08:42

Grass him up - sell your story to the papers

While I would never want the intrusion from the papers the writing it all down as if it was to be published might ease some tensions.

My little son hopped into bed beside me there OP. He isn’t that little anymore but a good morning cuddle is a great way to start the day. It is up there with the kittens. Maybe your daughter might be able for it. You both might get something from it. Thinking of you today.

Punkatheart · 12/08/2019 10:05

Thank you. Yes, it's tempting to 'grass him up' but I am considering writing a self help book for deserted partners.

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Punkatheart · 12/08/2019 10:23

Just had another letter from the hospital - they have, as well as the lump in the lymph node, found a suspicious lump on the PET scan in my left breast. Feeling very very shaky.

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MaisyMary77 · 12/08/2019 11:42

I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through.

I was in Orkney recently and spent the day with all my siblings at one of the most beautiful beaches I have ever been to. I spent a lot of my childhood there but didn’t appreciate it all! The photo doesn’t do it justice but can make me happy to look and remember.

...to feel defeated