I don't want to bore you, but I am reaching the end of my coping resources. Eight years ago my 'lovely' partner of twenty years simply left me. He did not really explain but said my daughter and I were 'a burden' and he wanted to be free. I had been diagnosed with lymphoma in 2003 and I was very ill at the time. My daughter, who adored her father and was 14, reacted very very badly - with real physical symptoms like passing out. They sent her to a cardiologist at one point and then she started having mental health issues, not helped by large amounts of drug taking. Ex partner was terrible because my daughter wouldn't see him and he took it out on me. Told me that I had been 'special, but not THAT special' and called me a liar when I went to him for help with my daughter's problems.
Daughter's issues went on for a very long time and she ended up in America, homeless and then back in this country living in a caravan, with a large dog. I begged her to come home, which she has done. A couple of weeks ago, I was told that my cancer has probably spread. When I returned from hospital felling shaky, my daughter had made a serious suicide attitude. She was found in some woods and a very kind man got an ambulance. She is currently on mood stabilisers and is about to start therapy. We had tried all this when she was younger but it was hopeless - she wouldn't talk and just seemed locked within herself. I was so bloody ill I could often not cope with it.
I told her father about the suicide attempt. He did not respond and £1,000 appeared in my daughter's account. Of course we could do with the money but some kindness and concern would have meant so much difference.
This week I have a biopsy of my lymph node as a 'hot' area appeared on my PET scan. I am more concerned that my illness may progress quickly and it will affect my daughter's recovery. I also have very little work at the moment and I am struggling financially. My daughter and I are very close and we both have a dark sense of humour. My ex continues to be enormously successful in his profession and unfortunately his face appears in newspapers and TV. Everyone thinks he is lovely.
Sorry - I really have bored you. But I feel I have been as strong as possible for a rather long time. Now I feel like I need to cry in a corner for a while and panic about the future. Oddly, watching endless episodes of The Walking Dead relaxes me - I feel too like a walking dead person. Please tell me happy, sunny things about your day and your life. I love seeing friends' happiness and maybe to see the world in a sunnier light, with good people.
I will only admit here that I am scared. I am very tired of suffering. I am in pain every day and I panic about my daughter when I leave the house. She is such a beautiful precious girl but seems so damaged and periodically unhappy. It really hurts - but as parents - I know you would understand.