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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to feel defeated

102 replies

Punkatheart · 11/08/2019 17:43

I don't want to bore you, but I am reaching the end of my coping resources. Eight years ago my 'lovely' partner of twenty years simply left me. He did not really explain but said my daughter and I were 'a burden' and he wanted to be free. I had been diagnosed with lymphoma in 2003 and I was very ill at the time. My daughter, who adored her father and was 14, reacted very very badly - with real physical symptoms like passing out. They sent her to a cardiologist at one point and then she started having mental health issues, not helped by large amounts of drug taking. Ex partner was terrible because my daughter wouldn't see him and he took it out on me. Told me that I had been 'special, but not THAT special' and called me a liar when I went to him for help with my daughter's problems.

Daughter's issues went on for a very long time and she ended up in America, homeless and then back in this country living in a caravan, with a large dog. I begged her to come home, which she has done. A couple of weeks ago, I was told that my cancer has probably spread. When I returned from hospital felling shaky, my daughter had made a serious suicide attitude. She was found in some woods and a very kind man got an ambulance. She is currently on mood stabilisers and is about to start therapy. We had tried all this when she was younger but it was hopeless - she wouldn't talk and just seemed locked within herself. I was so bloody ill I could often not cope with it.

I told her father about the suicide attempt. He did not respond and £1,000 appeared in my daughter's account. Of course we could do with the money but some kindness and concern would have meant so much difference.

This week I have a biopsy of my lymph node as a 'hot' area appeared on my PET scan. I am more concerned that my illness may progress quickly and it will affect my daughter's recovery. I also have very little work at the moment and I am struggling financially. My daughter and I are very close and we both have a dark sense of humour. My ex continues to be enormously successful in his profession and unfortunately his face appears in newspapers and TV. Everyone thinks he is lovely.

Sorry - I really have bored you. But I feel I have been as strong as possible for a rather long time. Now I feel like I need to cry in a corner for a while and panic about the future. Oddly, watching endless episodes of The Walking Dead relaxes me - I feel too like a walking dead person. Please tell me happy, sunny things about your day and your life. I love seeing friends' happiness and maybe to see the world in a sunnier light, with good people.

I will only admit here that I am scared. I am very tired of suffering. I am in pain every day and I panic about my daughter when I leave the house. She is such a beautiful precious girl but seems so damaged and periodically unhappy. It really hurts - but as parents - I know you would understand.

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Punkatheart · 13/08/2019 21:54

I hear that stomp from here, 2018.

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Punkatheart · 13/08/2019 21:55

Yes, the lovely man I once loved so dearly has behaved like a cad.

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saffy1234 · 13/08/2019 21:57

Hi @Punkatheart yes its not too shabby here is it!How are you this evening xx

Whoopstheregomyinsides · 13/08/2019 21:59

Sending strength from me too. What made me smile today? Smarties eggs and my son putting fake tan on my back without complaining and we had a good chat which is rarer now he's pre teen. Little things but nice. I probably would go to papers as I'm a bit revenge keen but do what's right for you my love

custardcreamzz · 13/08/2019 22:17

That sounds really hard, sending strength and wishing the best for you. Flowers

Booboosweet · 13/08/2019 22:30

You have an awful lot to cope with. Hope you're alright.

Flyingarcher · 13/08/2019 22:37

Flyingboy has done some amazing sailing today and got DH and the boat through choppy waters with ease. Very proud of him,

BC warrior here. Biopsy is ok. If they want to do any mammograms make sure you take painkillers an hour before. The BC care is really good because they are very well resourced. Hand hold for you.

PickYourselfUp · 13/08/2019 22:49

Having a tough time here too, but finding the good thibgs about my day may help both of us.
My 7 year old has discovered daydreaming and is relishing it these holidays. He spends whole hours gazing into middle distance and smiling to himself or frowning. There are big thoughts in there. My mum took my little girl to the zoo whete there were (and i quote) "little tiny monkeys and when i stuck my tongue out at them they stuck their tongues out at me back!"

My favourite cadburys chocolate was discounted in the co-op. I'm seeing my oldest friend on Friday. On Thursday I'm meeting a very dear internet friend for the first time. I am going to make brownies this week.

Punkatheart · 14/08/2019 00:04

I am OK Safe. Enjoying the forest and the birdlife.

That sounds like a lovely day, Whoops...yum, chocolate!

Thank you, Custard.

Thanks for the tip about the mammogram, Fly. I haven't got the referral yet but I have the other biopsy on my lymph node for suspected involvement for my lymphoma. Can I really be that unlucky to have lymphoma AND breast cancer? Maybe I can. So glad you came through it. There is no history of breast cancer in my family and the report says 'low grade' and I am taking comfort from that.

Your gorgeous and ethereal observations made me smile, Pick. What an observant and caring mum you sound. I am a great advocate of daydreaming - scientists and creatives alike have discovered great things by slipping into reverie.

The memory that made me laugh today? I sometimes write food advertorial and at one very smart place my kind Indian waiter was wearing a name tag that said 'Einstein'. 'Is that your name?' I said, thinking it would be a great addition to the article. 'It is,' he said quietly. 'I bloody hate my parents.' Look what we can do to our poor children!

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Tolleshunt · 14/08/2019 00:21

I’ve just seen this thread for the first time, and want to send a wave and healing vibes your way, Punk.

Life is truly shitty for you right now, and it’s obviously been a slog for a long time. I was really struck, reading your OP, at how resilient you are to keep on keeping on, and what a lovely spirit you have to still be looking for the brightness.

My happy story is that funds are tight for me at the moment, and life is stressful, but I’ve saved hard so that I can take my 4 year old DD to the coast for a few days next week. It will be her first visit to the beach, and she is so excited. I’m even more excited to be showing her the beach, and the sea!

Your ex is a vile specimen. I have no words to describe somebody who can abandon his own child, but I will content myself with wishing wholeheartedly that karma catches up with him and shits on him from a great height.

howwudufeel · 14/08/2019 00:33

What a tough time you have had. I hope your health soon gets better and you and your dd make a recovery. How can some people look themselves in the mirror after what they have done? I hope your ex isn’t someone we all think is a great guy because he really isn’t. Is your dd able to pursue her career without his help?

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 14/08/2019 03:13

He is. Thank so much!

WMPAGL · 14/08/2019 05:20

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time.

My little bit of sunshine to share is my newborn son. All he wants is feeding, changing and snuggly, sleepy cuddles on my shoulder and chest. He has an adorable and comical range of expressions from old man frowns as he tries to work out the world to hilarious 'side eye' to sweet little monkey mouth when he's rooting for milk. In the next few weeks he'll be smiling and laughing for the first time. I can't wait and he's worth all the sleeplessness!

Even sunnier is what an everyday experience this love and happiness is - think how many thousands of people could have written what I've just written at this very moment! That's a lot of sunshine! Flowers

flashdancer19 · 14/08/2019 05:59
Thanks
Punkatheart · 14/08/2019 07:10

I wish you a lovely time at the coast, Tolles - there is nothing better!

I have asked my ex the same thing more than once, how. Sadly, the industry is very closed unless you have contacts. If only he could give her some decent work experience - then she could find her niche and ultimately, a purpose. He is a genius in what he does and I see similar talent in my daughter. So frustrating!

WM - what an absolute joy that sounds with your newborn - I remember being so much in love with my daughter. Enjoy, luxuriate in it - such precious time.

Thanks, flash - have a grand rest of the week. Blooming rain though!

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Hotpinkangel19 · 14/08/2019 08:07

He's being a arse OP. Wishing you all the best 🌸

LoopyLou1981 · 14/08/2019 08:18

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and you sound like an amazingly strong person to be tackling this so well. 💐
Not exactly a heartwarming story but might give you a smile...
I try not to go food shopping with my kids (costs me twice as much and at least one of them disappears at some point!) but last week I’d completely run down on everything so needs must and off we went.
It turns out that early morning on a week day is prime time for the older generation to get their shopping done so the kids were in their element getting lots of nice comments and friendly faces smiling at them.
One lady had made a huge fuss of them both and my daughter (2) was smitten. The lady then turned and bent down to pick up some salad and let one go (a decent raspberry of one!). My daughter then announced cheerfully ‘it’s a bottom noise mummy! That lady did bottom noises!’ 😳
Thankfully the lady saw the funny side and said it was one of the liberties of getting older but I could not get out of the aisle quick enough 😂

Lowlandlucky · 14/08/2019 08:48

Hope today is an easier day Flowers

howwudufeel · 14/08/2019 10:38

I think perhaps it’s time for you and your Dd to step out of your ex’s shadow and work on living happy and successful lives in your own right.

Punkatheart · 14/08/2019 11:35

Thank you, Hot.

Loopy - love your story. Once walked behind an old boy in Oxford farting with every step. Laughed so much I could barely walk. He seemed completely oblivious.

Thank you, Low. Dog is being adorable today.

You are so right, how - for so long I hoped he would show a better side but he did things like get married without telling me or his daughter. For the date he chose the anniversary of when we met. So yes, not someone to think about any more. Last night I dreamt I was in love with a gay celebrity vicar - even he sounds a better catch!

On elf the wonderful side effects of being ill is that I meet a lot of very interesting and lovely people at the cancer centre. We seem to bypass small talk and go to the heart of life - I have some incredible and deep conversations with people. Also last time they had vegetarian hotdogs at the cafe - for the first time I tried a ketchup and mustard combination. It had always sounded disgusting but it was sublime.

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Tolleshunt · 15/08/2019 22:27

Hi Punk, how are you today?

Just thought I might share my humiliating story today. Was in a local cafe today with DD. I am very well known in there, have been a customer for years. Just at a quiet moment, DD pipes up in her loudest, fog-horniest voice: ‘Mummy, you did a very stinky poo in the bathroom this morning! I had to hold my nose!

You could have heard a pin drop. Then you could have fried an egg on my face.

I can’t go back there again, can I? Their carrot cake is so good, as well!

Punkatheart · 17/08/2019 11:08

I am OKish @Tolleshunt. Now I love carrot cake but yes, you may have burned your bridges with the one. I had my biopsy (lymph node) yesterday. Uncomfortable and a four hour journey to hospital and stuck in traffic, a five hour journey back. But done now and results to come.

I am going to a local produce show today in a small village, where I get to chat to old boys about the size of their onions, eat very good cake and enjoy myself. Love things like that. Under my arm is still very achey - the doctor took quite a lot of tissue.

Enjoy the weekend!

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Tolleshunt · 18/08/2019 09:42

Oh, the biopsy sounds sore, Punk. You need to cosset and coddle yourself for a bit. I hope you enjoyed pottering amongst the onions yesterday! And that there was lots of good cake. That’s what I always treat myself to if I have to have a painful/stressful medical treatment.

Punkatheart · 18/08/2019 10:52

I had TWO slices of chocolate brownie, a lemon cake and loads of tea. Lovely old girls working really hard in a tent @Tolleshunt. One man won so many of the prizes for the produce and it set off the competitive spirit in me. I joined the gardening society and intend to win some prizes next year. I think it is important to think in terms of 'next year' and to look forward.

Enjoy your Sunday lovely girl.

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Tolleshunt · 18/08/2019 22:36

Thanks, Sunday was good but exhausting! Looking forward to bed.

Two brownies and lemon cake was an epic effort! It sounds a lovely day. Your determination to win prizes next year is an excellent idea. I’m a big believer in positive expectation. It can be very powerful.

What are you considering growing? I’m very much not green fingered, and manage to forget to water or over-water plants and have now lost confidence that I can grow anything with success. I would like to grow veg, herbs and edible flowers - in my fantasy, at least!