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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to feel defeated

102 replies

Punkatheart · 11/08/2019 17:43

I don't want to bore you, but I am reaching the end of my coping resources. Eight years ago my 'lovely' partner of twenty years simply left me. He did not really explain but said my daughter and I were 'a burden' and he wanted to be free. I had been diagnosed with lymphoma in 2003 and I was very ill at the time. My daughter, who adored her father and was 14, reacted very very badly - with real physical symptoms like passing out. They sent her to a cardiologist at one point and then she started having mental health issues, not helped by large amounts of drug taking. Ex partner was terrible because my daughter wouldn't see him and he took it out on me. Told me that I had been 'special, but not THAT special' and called me a liar when I went to him for help with my daughter's problems.

Daughter's issues went on for a very long time and she ended up in America, homeless and then back in this country living in a caravan, with a large dog. I begged her to come home, which she has done. A couple of weeks ago, I was told that my cancer has probably spread. When I returned from hospital felling shaky, my daughter had made a serious suicide attitude. She was found in some woods and a very kind man got an ambulance. She is currently on mood stabilisers and is about to start therapy. We had tried all this when she was younger but it was hopeless - she wouldn't talk and just seemed locked within herself. I was so bloody ill I could often not cope with it.

I told her father about the suicide attempt. He did not respond and £1,000 appeared in my daughter's account. Of course we could do with the money but some kindness and concern would have meant so much difference.

This week I have a biopsy of my lymph node as a 'hot' area appeared on my PET scan. I am more concerned that my illness may progress quickly and it will affect my daughter's recovery. I also have very little work at the moment and I am struggling financially. My daughter and I are very close and we both have a dark sense of humour. My ex continues to be enormously successful in his profession and unfortunately his face appears in newspapers and TV. Everyone thinks he is lovely.

Sorry - I really have bored you. But I feel I have been as strong as possible for a rather long time. Now I feel like I need to cry in a corner for a while and panic about the future. Oddly, watching endless episodes of The Walking Dead relaxes me - I feel too like a walking dead person. Please tell me happy, sunny things about your day and your life. I love seeing friends' happiness and maybe to see the world in a sunnier light, with good people.

I will only admit here that I am scared. I am very tired of suffering. I am in pain every day and I panic about my daughter when I leave the house. She is such a beautiful precious girl but seems so damaged and periodically unhappy. It really hurts - but as parents - I know you would understand.

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sarahC40 · 18/08/2019 23:46

You’ve inspired me to grow something - I’ve been ignoring my garden. I wish you peace and light in your lives, for you and your daughter.
My happy story: my lovely son, who struggles with anxiety (we’ve had a bad four years after bereavement) has come through a levels. Total triumph and surprise when our goal was he stayed in the exam room. Best bit - he did v well in ethics and I feel that shows the best bit of him (caring and understanding of the most important facets of the world around him).

sarahC40 · 18/08/2019 23:47

Should have said I am stupidly excited about throwing his a level notes away tomorrow - feel like it’ll be a mental spring clean

chickenyhead · 19/08/2019 00:11

Some things that made me giggle today OP.

...to feel defeated
...to feel defeated
...to feel defeated
Punkatheart · 19/08/2019 12:48

@Tolleshunt - Don't doubt yourself in terms of growing things. Herbs are very easy and edible flowers are great. I grow borage, which you put in drinks. I am considering finding money for a greenhouse and growing more tomatoes, chilli peppers - all the stuff which is expensive to buy. When I am outside, I forget worrying.

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Punkatheart · 19/08/2019 12:51

I am so chuffed about your son @sarahC40. He sounds like a sweet and sensitive soul and the world needs more of them. My daughter took a lot of drugs and completely ruined her schooling. But she also had severe anxiety which made exams really hard. So I can relate. Enjoy your mental spring clean and give him a hug from a random stranger - if that isn't too weird.

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Punkatheart · 19/08/2019 12:52

Yep, made me chuckle too, @chickenyhead...

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Punkatheart · 23/08/2019 16:32

I was offered a choice of two days for my breast exam - Thursday 12 September or Friday 13. I am not particularly superstitious but I chose the former.

You gotta laugh!

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sarahC40 · 01/09/2019 23:56

Ah thanks @Punkatheart. He’s been away with mates and survived putting up with a crowd (another step forward) and managed to get himself a job. Head is spinning a bit with positivity. How are you?

sarahC40 · 01/09/2019 23:58

I hope your daughter is doing better?

Punkatheart · 02/09/2019 09:18

Great news with your son. My daughter is working at a festival, so I am hoping she has seen friends and had a good time. Off today to get my biopsy results - so feeling nervous...

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Pollywollydoodah · 02/09/2019 11:53

Bowled over by your strength, Punk, and wishing you a hopeful outcome today x

Punkatheart · 03/09/2019 00:06

Biopsy clear of cancer cells! Lymphoma cancer cells still contained on the skin, which is getting worse. Options to talk about - including a bone marrow. Not keen on the idea of a BM - 10% chance of catastrophic disease or death.

Now for the mammogram - onwards and upwards. Thanks for your lovely comments Polly.

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womaninthedark · 03/09/2019 00:17

@Punkatheart Flowers
I haven't seen this thread before, though I remember you from some years ago when I was someone else and for some reason I associate you with tea and Cake.
I'm sorry things have been so hard. Glad though about the biopsy being clear.
Funniest thing I've seen today was an American chap going on about how he loves Ireland... Josh Pray

Punkatheart · 03/09/2019 07:32

Hi there, woman - I am more than happy to be associated with tea and cake, as I love both. Tea in particular can make so many things better. I used to spend a lot of time of Mumsnet and found it a great support when things went bad for me.

Love that name!

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sarahC40 · 06/09/2019 23:29

Hey @Punkatheart - glad to hear about your biopsy. Cancer is such a complicated pig of an illness (hate it, hate it so much). I hope that your daughter is having a good time - have you got something to distract you planned this weekend. Going to have a quiet one this weekend to recover from the start of another term.

Punkatheart · 10/09/2019 17:40

I have had a quiet weekend while daughter goes to South Wales with new man. In quite a bit of pain - so good to rest and binge watch episodes of House. Lovely to see her happy, the dog happy with her new doggy boyfriend.

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womaninthedark · 11/09/2019 15:20

Even the dog has a boyfriend? Now I really feel I'm missing out...
Grin
Quiet is pretty good, I think. Sorry about the pain. Indulge yourself in whatever works for you. I'm going to bed for an hour. Duvets are my closest friends.

Punkatheart · 11/09/2019 17:15

I know, woman - he is an older dog of indiscriminate breed who is very chilled. Love my duvet and hot water bottle - excessively fatigued today - as if there is a magnet keeping me to the bed...

...to feel defeated
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womaninthedark · 12/09/2019 19:55

Hello @Punkatheart - hope today has been ok. I've done sod all but I don't seem to mind now it's gone dark. I felt guilty in the daylight.

Babyroobs · 12/09/2019 19:59

Sorry I can't offer much advice regarding your daughter. I'm sorry to read you are having a rubbish time. Please speak to macmillan regarding financial help/ benefits if you don't have much money coming in.

Punkatheart · 12/09/2019 22:38

I have had my boobs squeezed into a machine today @womaninthedark - all done bar the results now.

Thank you @babyroobs. I have gone to them about financial advice - but I do have a few savings...so if I live frugally...

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womaninthedark · 13/09/2019 17:22

I don't understand why they always need to get me standing on tiptoe to squeeze my boobs. I'm not particularly short. It's very uncomfortable. Maybe my breasts are spectacularly low hung!

Punkatheart · 19/09/2019 17:40

Surely someone could come up with a better design for the mammogram?

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Punkatheart · 26/09/2019 11:14

Well that was fun. I was taken for my results by the most rude and revolting hospital transport driver. Then at the hospital, I was informed that I had to have another mammogram, as my breast tissue was too dense to see proper results. This test was really painful and there was lots of waiting. When I got back to main reception to see the consultant my driver was all agitated and wanted to leave. Eventually I saw a nurse practitioner and was examiner. I needed to see the consultant, we had to wait for the latest report and it would mean an ultrasound and a biopsy. The consultant was so patronising, explaining that we should get it done all in one go. Great when they talk to you like a child when you are shivering, topless. When the consultant went out of the room, I just started crying and couldn't stop, telling the nurse that I had had enough and I wanted to go home.

My driver had buggered off and I had to wait another hour for another driver. Next week I go back for a possible biopsy. Crap day.

Hoping for a better day today? How are you all doing?

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Dizzywizz · 26/09/2019 21:30

Sorry @Punkatheart that sounds crap. How was the rest of your day? Hope it improved a bit. Is it possible to feedback about the drivers attitude?

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