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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to feel defeated

102 replies

Punkatheart · 11/08/2019 17:43

I don't want to bore you, but I am reaching the end of my coping resources. Eight years ago my 'lovely' partner of twenty years simply left me. He did not really explain but said my daughter and I were 'a burden' and he wanted to be free. I had been diagnosed with lymphoma in 2003 and I was very ill at the time. My daughter, who adored her father and was 14, reacted very very badly - with real physical symptoms like passing out. They sent her to a cardiologist at one point and then she started having mental health issues, not helped by large amounts of drug taking. Ex partner was terrible because my daughter wouldn't see him and he took it out on me. Told me that I had been 'special, but not THAT special' and called me a liar when I went to him for help with my daughter's problems.

Daughter's issues went on for a very long time and she ended up in America, homeless and then back in this country living in a caravan, with a large dog. I begged her to come home, which she has done. A couple of weeks ago, I was told that my cancer has probably spread. When I returned from hospital felling shaky, my daughter had made a serious suicide attitude. She was found in some woods and a very kind man got an ambulance. She is currently on mood stabilisers and is about to start therapy. We had tried all this when she was younger but it was hopeless - she wouldn't talk and just seemed locked within herself. I was so bloody ill I could often not cope with it.

I told her father about the suicide attempt. He did not respond and £1,000 appeared in my daughter's account. Of course we could do with the money but some kindness and concern would have meant so much difference.

This week I have a biopsy of my lymph node as a 'hot' area appeared on my PET scan. I am more concerned that my illness may progress quickly and it will affect my daughter's recovery. I also have very little work at the moment and I am struggling financially. My daughter and I are very close and we both have a dark sense of humour. My ex continues to be enormously successful in his profession and unfortunately his face appears in newspapers and TV. Everyone thinks he is lovely.

Sorry - I really have bored you. But I feel I have been as strong as possible for a rather long time. Now I feel like I need to cry in a corner for a while and panic about the future. Oddly, watching endless episodes of The Walking Dead relaxes me - I feel too like a walking dead person. Please tell me happy, sunny things about your day and your life. I love seeing friends' happiness and maybe to see the world in a sunnier light, with good people.

I will only admit here that I am scared. I am very tired of suffering. I am in pain every day and I panic about my daughter when I leave the house. She is such a beautiful precious girl but seems so damaged and periodically unhappy. It really hurts - but as parents - I know you would understand.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Punkatheart · 12/08/2019 11:54

Wow - what a beach. I can feel warm(ish) sand between my toes.

OP posts:
onemorecakeplease · 12/08/2019 12:10

We have rescued a very scared little dog from Spain. With lots of love and help from our other dog she is coming on fantastically well. She's so confident now.
Here she is the other night waiting for me to get out of the bath. She always crosses her paws when she sits down.

...to feel defeated
onemorecakeplease · 12/08/2019 12:13

She's my little ray of sunshine and I hope she sends some to you too.

Punkatheart · 12/08/2019 13:13

So elegant with her paws folded - she is gorgeous.

OP posts:
Gladiolus45 · 12/08/2019 13:27

Sorry to hear about your hard times OP, I'm rooting for you and I'd urge you to keep looking for those small moments of happiness.

Sometimes the shitty times in life show us how to get pleasure from the small things we would otherwise overlook IME.

I have a tiny garden with a high wall round it (I back directly onto a factory wall) so I can't grow plans in the ground, but I do have three large pots which I plant and replant so there is always something flowering (currently the tall purple verbena, bright cerise hollyhocks and a red and pink fuchsia). They are so bright and cheerful against the white wall.

I quite often stop and just zone out and look at them for a few minutes. They bring me a lot of pleasure.

As does the fox who walks along the side garden wall having jumped down from the factory roof thinking we can't see her. Her effortless grace and agility are amazing.

Punkatheart · 12/08/2019 15:17

That sounds lovely. Did you know you can grow an astonishing lot of things in pots - tomatoes, courgettes etc. You can even grow salad indoors. I am experimenting at the moment.

OP posts:
Gladiolus45 · 12/08/2019 22:45

Yes I remember reading a suggestion of growing baby tomatoes, rocket and basil in the same pot so that you have a salad right there. That sounded like a really good idea and I have no idea why I have not done it. When the hollyhocks finish blooming (soon) I may repot with this if I can still find tomato plants locally.

I have not tried growing salad indoors though - what are you growing?

Punkatheart · 13/08/2019 00:55

Spicy salad leaves. Last year in late summer I bought loads of bargain seeds at 10p each. So far, so good!

OP posts:
sandgrown · 13/08/2019 01:23

Sorry life is so tough at the moment . Just wanted to say I am thinking of you and your daughter xx

Gladiolus45 · 13/08/2019 07:29

Feeling inspired thank you OP, I will investigate!

Gorgeous sunny morning here, hope it lasts as we are planning a trip to the coast today (not swimming though, I'm not that daft).

saffy1234 · 13/08/2019 07:46

OP you are an amazing strong person.Writing this all down may help.Sending so much love to you here from Gloucestershire.x

saffy1234 · 13/08/2019 07:51

Also just to say ,everyone around him may think he's 'wonderful' but the universe/God/karma whatever you believe in doesn't.I just know it x

GoJetterGirl · 13/08/2019 08:10

Love from the Midlands OP,

Lovely story: my 18 month old spoke his first full sentence this morning “mummy down now please” he wanted to get out of his booster chair after eating his breakfast.

My 6 year old DC is still holding on and his disease is still stable and the trial he is on has reduced them from being palliative to being as fit as a normal 6 year old should be.

I’m so sorry life has dealt you a really shitty set of cards, and I really do hope your daughter (with your support) stays as stable as possible.

Flowers
Punkatheart · 13/08/2019 14:20

Oh that first sentence - how absolutely wonderful. You sound too as if you have been through it too, GoJetterGirl but that sounds good news for your 6 year old.

I am in Gloucestershire too, Saffy. I love it here!

OP posts:
Jux · 13/08/2019 17:30

I wasn't entirely serious about selling to the papers - hoped the idea might raise a smile for you, Punk Wink

I am trying to grow things in pots atm. I put rosemary in and also thyme (same pot), thinking "Rosemary's voracious, I shall have to make sure the thyme doesn't get crowded out", but in fact it's the other way round and I now have lots of thyme and no rosemary at all!

Thinking of you both, and sending love from Devon,

Punkatheart · 13/08/2019 18:47

Thyme can be a beast! I have some pineapple sage, which is fab.

Years ago when ex and I were happy, he was being a bit lazy about finding some work. I threatened that I would sell a silly story to the papers and when he still didn't look for work, I got a romantic cringe-inducing story, with photos, published in the dreadful Sunday People. I got £75. He got work soon after that!

OP posts:
GreatOne · 13/08/2019 19:55

Please tell me happy, sunny things about your day and your life
I read about a woman, trying her best in the most difficult of circumstances. She still hasn't quit. Instead she's still looking for the happiness the world holds.
She's inspired me (wallowing in my own bad circumstances), to look for the glow in life, to do better. What a hero you are Punk

Lndnmummy · 13/08/2019 20:03

Hey OP, how are you feeling? I’m so sorry that things are so hard. You sound a lovely human being. Today I have cherished the little things, like a really nice coffee this morning, my 13 month old covering me in slobby kisses and the fact that I think my medication I’m taking for panic attacks is helping. BrewFlowers

MrsGrindah · 13/08/2019 20:05

This is a sad and lovely thread. OP I too have been looking for something to ease my heart and felt that nature might be the solution. I live in a flat though so dismissed it but you have inspired me to grow my own herbs! If I manage to , I will think of you.

Punkatheart · 13/08/2019 20:35

What lovely words from you. Feeling rather fatigued at the mo and want to get the biopsy over on Friday. Then a referral to breast screen clinic and the usual waiting. My daughter seems to be on an even keel thank goodness. I am pleased that your medication is working Lndnmummy - it can be horrible to be sensitive. My daughter's anxiety is often terrible but her medication seems to be helping too.

OP posts:
Shooturlocalmethdealer · 13/08/2019 21:13

So sorry for the terrible times you are going through OP
God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.
My grandchild who is 3 lives with his mom and me. I bumped my elbow and said OW! He said "Nana are you ok, need cast, need hospital?" I said, "No sweet love nayna is ok." He said, "Well let's give it a kiss then!" 😁 So I of course let him kiss my arm. He proceeds to tell me be more careful I'm older than him!!

BigBairyHollocks · 13/08/2019 21:24

Just noticed your thread OP,and wanted to say how brave and strong you sound.Your love for your daughter really comes through.Flowers for you.

Punkatheart · 13/08/2019 21:28

Shoot - your grandchild sounds adorable. Thank you Big, may your days be filled with light and love.

OP posts:
2018SoFarSoGreat · 13/08/2019 21:36

Thanks for this thread, Punkatheart and I am sending you strength and a very strong shoulder to lean on, if you need it. And a hug, because who doesn't need a hug?

I've had a really busy time at work recently and am taking tomorrow to spend with my DGS's. I am so excited. I can't wait to just be with them. To see their smiles, and hear the excited little voices. We know life is still good when we can look forward to moments like these.

It will be good for you, and your lovely daughter, again. I'm demanding it and stomping my foot. So there.

Mammyloveswine · 13/08/2019 21:44

OP didn't want to read and run,

What a shit your ex sounds! Absolutely despicable to describe you as a "burden".

Hugs OP, you sound sound amazing and so strong!

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