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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that he doesnt get back to me about plans?

93 replies

PlanningIsComplicated · 11/08/2019 12:35

I'll try and keep this as simple as possible.
Been with boyfriend for 2 months but he is so flaky with plans, especially when they involve my friends.

Last week, we arranged a few drinks with my friend and her boyfriend, and me and him. He told me he was up for it.
The day came, i didnt hear off him until late afternoon, even though he saw my message in the morning asking if he still wanted to come.and he saw it.
Hours later he replied saying he wants to come but he's not sure if he can.
Hours after that still nothing. My friend ajd her boyfriend were getting a bit irritated because they didnt know whether to get ready or not.
7:30pm he said he could make it. So i started getting ready and let my friend and her bf know they can too.
8pm had a phone call saying he couldnt make it anymore because he had nowhere to stay the night (we're 24 and i still live with parents and it's their house rules and i have 2 little sisters so they think it's too early for him to stay which i respect).
So i was fine with him, and told him i understood.
My friend was a bit annoyed but was fine in the end.

The next day he was hungover!! I gave him the benfit of the doubt and said to him he can always say no if he doesnt want to come to something, i'd rather that than be waiting for hours for a response.

Fast forward to today.
Last night, we all arranged to go to a pub for some drinks this afternoon (not even alcohol, even just a coke to catch-up);
He said he was up for it but wantsd to have breakfast with me in the.morning first.

I havent heard off him all morning even though he's seen my message asking if he still wants breakfast at 11am.
We were then meant to go meet friends.

But nothing from him. He lives 25 mins away from me. Meant to be meeting them in half an hour.
I've messaged my friend to ask if i can go with her since ive heard nothing from him.

But it's really getting to me. If he doesnt want to come then he can just tell me.

He goes on about being a rubbish messenger and i dont mind him taking ages to reply but when it involves plans, i find it really rude.

But i feel it's too early in the relationship to bring up any tension!

OP posts:
fedup21 · 11/08/2019 12:38

If he’s being this useless in the early days of your relationship, it’s really not a good sign!

wineandroses1 · 11/08/2019 12:42

Dump. Early days - he should be on his best behaviour. He’s leaving you hanging so he can see if something more interesting is on offer. Definitely dump.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 11/08/2019 12:43

Why couldn’t you have gone for drinks with your friends anyway? You’ve only been together for two months - surely you can go out without him?

Original poster
PlanningIsComplicated · 11/08/2019 12:45

Yes i can still go without him and i am.
I invited him because my male friends will be there aswell as female friends;
He couldve said no if he wanted

OP posts:
Sidge · 11/08/2019 12:50

Ugh this is so annoying. I dated a guy who was similar - I finished it pretty quickly and told him if I’d wanted a flake I’d have bought an ice cream.

You’re not important enough for him to make arrangements with. Sack him off.

Caselgarcia · 11/08/2019 12:51

I'd dump him. He's waiting for a better offer to come along before committing to a date with you.

Jemima232 · 11/08/2019 12:55

Oh dear. It sounds like he isn't too invested in the relationship.

I would end it and move on. Someone who is this unreliable and disinterested so early on isn't going to be a keeper.

WendyBagina · 11/08/2019 12:55

I dated someone like the for a year. Often we'd have plans and he just wouldn't turn up. He just didn't feel the same way about our relationship as I did.

When I started dating my now husband, his attitude was "if you're there, I'm coming" to whatever I invited him to. He also always replied to texts.

I'm sorry to tell you, but I doubt very much he feels as seriously about you as you'd like. End it before you get hurt.

Use the time you would have wasted waiting for a reply to meet someone that doesn't play silly games!

Original poster
PlanningIsComplicated · 11/08/2019 13:03

He's messaged now saying he's in my town and he was spending time with his baby niece;
But i'm really annoyed, i've arranged to go with my friend now and i've basically feel like i've been a bitch with him by saying i'm annoyed i didnt know what was going on this morning and how was i supposed to know about his niece, i'm not psychic, and that it's not hard for him to let me know,

I cant even be bothered socialising today now, i just feel a bit tethered

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 11/08/2019 13:17

Planning is NOT Complicated, he just doesn’t want to do it with you.

He’s just not that into you. Find someone who is.

MyNewBearTotoro · 11/08/2019 13:17

I agree with previous posters, its too early in the relationship to be putting up with this. He’s not that interested and if he’s not even willing to commit to plans to have a drink with you what hope is there for him ever committing to something serious? Every time he’s refusing to commit to plans he’s just keeping you on the side whilst waiting to see if he can get a better offer which suggests he doesn’t prioritise or value time spent with you very highly.

This relationship isn’t likely to go anywhere so I’d end it now before you invest any more of yourself into it.

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/08/2019 13:22

So what are his reasons for NOT telling you that he intended to go and see his baby niece? Presumably he wasn't heading for your place and just suddenly decided to deviate and visit someone else - he consciously made that decision despite the fact he knew you were waiting for him?

He's either extremely bad at communicating, or he likes the idea that you are waiting for him (clue: either of these is very bad).

madcatladyforever · 11/08/2019 13:27

"But I feel it's too early in the relationship to bring up any tension!"

If it's too early in the relationship to bring tension into it then why is he doing it? He is the one bringing tension into the relationship.
Personally I would dump someone who is this disrespectful to me.
Stop being a pushover.

Cheeserton · 11/08/2019 13:51

Call him out and bin him off. Rubbish behaviour.

Hooferdoofer37 · 11/08/2019 13:55

He's just not that into you.

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 11/08/2019 14:05

Dump him. He's not interested enough to keep you informed or make plans. You can do better.

Original poster
PlanningIsComplicated · 11/08/2019 14:11

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
BrownallJobCentre · 11/08/2019 14:12

I dated someone like this. When we we're looking to make plans I'd ask him to let me know what time he was ready so we could arrange a time to meet up... he wouldn't text me until I'd text to ask him again what time he wanted to meet. I asked him to come over one day and he said he'd let me know if he was free later on... he never told me and never showed up. I spent a long time feeling like he just didn't care enough to even let me know he wouldn't want to meet/had changed his mind or whatever was going on. It's not worth feeling like that for anyone, especially someone who should be making you feel wanted and someone who should be willing to put the effort in for this early in a relationship if you were someone they wanted to be with.

As for it being too early to bring up being disappointed, I don't agree with that. He shouldn't be making you feel disappointed if he's wanting to continue a relationship with you, he should care enough to not want you to feel that way. That feeling gave me the confidence to end my relationship because I just thought I'd never treat him that way, I cared about how he felt and wouldn't have wanted him to feel like I didn't care so obviously he didn't feel that same about me.

Lifeisabeach09 · 11/08/2019 14:18

You are wasting your time with this guy.

You are not a priority for him so stop making him one.

Dump him and find someone who makes plans with you and is reliable.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 11/08/2019 14:20

Ditch him. And do it the way he communicates - by not communicating. Block him and let him figure out you just cbf, just like him.

LordNibbler · 11/08/2019 14:22

I get the feeling OP will carry on putting up with this shit from her BF.
You can only be treated as badly as you allow yourself to be. It's that simple.

Loopytiles · 11/08/2019 14:23

Rude and disrespectful of your and others’ time.

Dump!

Emilizz34 · 11/08/2019 14:24

Sounds to me like he’s not that interested in you . He makes plans with you just in case he doesn’t find anything better to do. However he cancels when he gets a better offer .
If he was interested in a relationship then he would be bending over backwards to see you

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 11/08/2019 14:28

He's a waste of space - get rid and find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

Original poster
PlanningIsComplicated · 11/08/2019 14:49

I've left early, I just wasnt feeling so my friend didnt mind bringing me home;
I feel like a total.idiot and that i've overreacted but it was just so awkward.
We weren't speaking and now he's messaging me saying he cant believe i've left him there.
I just feel like crying; I've probably really overreacted :,(

OP posts: