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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that he doesnt get back to me about plans?

93 replies

PlanningIsComplicated · 11/08/2019 12:35

I'll try and keep this as simple as possible.
Been with boyfriend for 2 months but he is so flaky with plans, especially when they involve my friends.

Last week, we arranged a few drinks with my friend and her boyfriend, and me and him. He told me he was up for it.
The day came, i didnt hear off him until late afternoon, even though he saw my message in the morning asking if he still wanted to come.and he saw it.
Hours later he replied saying he wants to come but he's not sure if he can.
Hours after that still nothing. My friend ajd her boyfriend were getting a bit irritated because they didnt know whether to get ready or not.
7:30pm he said he could make it. So i started getting ready and let my friend and her bf know they can too.
8pm had a phone call saying he couldnt make it anymore because he had nowhere to stay the night (we're 24 and i still live with parents and it's their house rules and i have 2 little sisters so they think it's too early for him to stay which i respect).
So i was fine with him, and told him i understood.
My friend was a bit annoyed but was fine in the end.

The next day he was hungover!! I gave him the benfit of the doubt and said to him he can always say no if he doesnt want to come to something, i'd rather that than be waiting for hours for a response.

Fast forward to today.
Last night, we all arranged to go to a pub for some drinks this afternoon (not even alcohol, even just a coke to catch-up);
He said he was up for it but wantsd to have breakfast with me in the.morning first.

I havent heard off him all morning even though he's seen my message asking if he still wants breakfast at 11am.
We were then meant to go meet friends.

But nothing from him. He lives 25 mins away from me. Meant to be meeting them in half an hour.
I've messaged my friend to ask if i can go with her since ive heard nothing from him.

But it's really getting to me. If he doesnt want to come then he can just tell me.

He goes on about being a rubbish messenger and i dont mind him taking ages to reply but when it involves plans, i find it really rude.

But i feel it's too early in the relationship to bring up any tension!

OP posts:
Original poster
PlanningIsComplicated · 11/08/2019 17:31

Yes, my reaction was awful,
I've never reacted that way before though, i just felt so claustrophobic and as though i needed to go home;
Thanks for the advice everyone Smile

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 11/08/2019 18:04

He is not for you.

Girlmeetsbook · 11/08/2019 18:13

Would you treat him the same way he's behaving towards you? I suspect not! There's a great quote that I'm sure I saw on mumsnet and sadly it seems to have to be used often on here:

**When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

BloodyhellMartha · 11/08/2019 20:06

Listen to everyone! He likes you 'a lot' - but is worried that you will regularly 'react' like this.

ie - refuse to allow him to treat you like shit.

Just tell him actually, I'm not fussed if you 'like me a lot'. I find you rude and your lack of organisation is irritating, so I'm not bothered about meeting up again. Have a good life

And then raise your standards as to how you let people treat you by a MILE.

SavingSpaces2019 · 11/08/2019 22:39

i probably should have let him know i was going (that is my fault i admit)
Why the hell are YOU feeling bad when HE him repeatedly does exactly the same?
He obvioulsy doesn't feel bad for doing it to you.
i wouldn't feel bad about it - or apologise.
I can't be arsed faking an apology like he does.

Dump him.
He doesn't respect you and he's a pathological liar i bet.
Last time he used accomodation as an excuse - despite that being an obvious issue soon as he was invited.
He strung you along, lying, then at the last minute let you down.
I bet he was out with his mates drinking the whole time and was keeping you as a back up just in case
Now he's using a baby as an excuse.
What next - "i was abducted by aliens"?

Original poster
PlanningIsComplicated · 12/08/2019 11:26

I think i'm feeling bad just because i feel awkward with my friends now.
I.didnt cause a scene, like my friend said.she'd bring me home after i whispered to her that i wasnt feeling too good;

I'm usually quite straightforward in saying how i feel but i became very claustrophic sitting there thinking
"He's going to think i'm needy"
"I should have accepted his.apology when i came in"
"I've messed things up"

He got up to go to the toilet and my eyes got watery and i just needed to go home;

But i'm really confused atm, i feel like an idiot in front of my friends :(
I did message my best friend to apologise to her and everybody about me leaving and she was fine with me, but i just wasnt expecting yesterday to go like that :(

OP posts:
jesuschristwtf · 12/08/2019 11:36

He’s an idiot. You’re well rid of him - he’s just not that into you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/08/2019 11:39

Why 'should' you have accepted his apology?

You were supposed to be meeting for breakfast and he just never turned up! And then he comes up with the 'baby niece' excuse...so what was his excuse for not just TELLING you what was going on? In keeping you waiting and hanging on and having to ask him what was going on? And then he has the audacity to say that he's not sure if you might keep behaving like this??

FGS, bin him off. He's already, two months in, trying to train you not to be upset when he doesn't keep appointments, keep to plans, turn up where and when he's meant to be - and don't you dare make a fuss, because he might not be able to keep up the relationship if you call him to task.

He's a shit He's a flaky, irresponsible, shit, and you are better off without him.

Watchingthyme · 12/08/2019 11:54

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
DUMP HIM Now

He’s annoyed with you!!?? I mean WTAF

Get some self respect. This is not your forever person

Loopytiles · 12/08/2019 12:20

Please work on your self esteem, assertiveness and boundaries before dating.

Original poster
PlanningIsComplicated · 12/08/2019 12:23

Thanks everybody

OP posts:
Original poster
PlanningIsComplicated · 12/08/2019 12:25

Sorry that was long!

OP posts:
WendyBagina · 12/08/2019 12:51

So what are you going to do?

SavingSpaces2019 · 12/08/2019 12:54

and you're still staying with him?

messolini9 · 12/08/2019 13:08

basically feel like i've been a bitch with him by saying i'm annoyed

You've been dating him for 2 months & already he is condiioning you to 1) accept his poor behaviour 2) take the blame for "reacting" to his poor behaviour 3) be kept dangling on a string while he juggles other options.

He is a total flake, It is very concerning that instead of genuinely apologising & making efforts not to let you down again, he is upbraiding you for having the temerity to call him out on his flakiness.

He is looking to control how you respond & what you will accept.
He is NOT going to make ou happy & his constant flaking out is designed to keep you on the hop, insecure, & pathetically grateful for the times he shows up.

Get rid.

Gigiandme · 12/08/2019 13:19

Dump him. This won't improve.

Original poster
PlanningIsComplicated · 12/08/2019 13:24

I was telling my friend yesterday that it worries me that if he's like this now, surely it's just going to get worse?
I'm going to have time to myself today to think

OP posts:
thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 12/08/2019 13:27

🤦🏽‍♀️

CruCru · 12/08/2019 13:30

The thing is, it doesn’t sound as though you object to him not doing all these things with you, it’s that he leaves you hanging so you haven’t the faintest whether he’s coming or not. I think, with this sort of thing, you need to expect others to treat you the way you treat them.

If after two months, you feel stressed out, this isn’t a nice, fun person you can have a good time with. Break up with him, you’ll feel so much better.

Alconleigh · 12/08/2019 13:32

Leaving him there was a bit odd but you know that. He is messing you around, not committing to plans, making you feel crazy and behave unlike yourself. That's just not worth it, is it?

And as a few PP have said, when a man really likes you, he shows up. No drama, no questioning yourself, no 'forgetting' plans.....you're just both there, and having a nice time.

I'm quite old now but this is one thing I really wish I could go back and make my younger self understand; if you're wondering if they like you etc, they don't. Or not enough. But there are others who will, so move on.

Pinkout · 12/08/2019 13:33

It’s supposed to be fun and lovely for the first year. It shouldn’t be this complicated and shit two months in.

I don’t think he is as committed to you as you are to him.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 12/08/2019 13:45

Your relationship really shouldn't be this hard. You're in the honeymoon period, should be all roses and poems! If it's this bad now, imagine what he'll be like in 3 years time!

I couldn't be with someone like him, it's not unreasonable to expect him to let you know if he's going to be somewhere or not

Schwibble · 12/08/2019 13:50

Get rid! Sorry OP but not only is he flaky and unreliable, but I suspect he's probably also seeing at least one other girl.

Kitty1184 · 12/08/2019 13:53

@PlanningIsComplicated

You're 2 months in and you're already being let down. This is supposed to be the most fun time in a relationship. LTB.

thecatinthetwat · 12/08/2019 13:59

Well I think you were being unreasonable to leave your friends hanging on his decision. You are going to meet them and he may or may not come. They shouldn't be effected by his ambiguity.

That said, I personally wouldn't put up with it. The longer you put up with it, the harder it will be to change later. It's perfectly reasonable to be annoyed with him. You need to tell him its not on. He can either sort it out or piss off.

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