AIBU that he doesnt get back to me about plans?

[PlanningIsComplicated]

I'll try and keep this as simple as possible.
Been with boyfriend for 2 months but he is so flaky with plans, especially when they involve my friends.

Last week, we arranged a few drinks with my friend and her boyfriend, and me and him. He told me he was up for it.
The day came, i didnt hear off him until late afternoon, even though he saw my message in the morning asking if he still wanted to come.and he saw it.
Hours later he replied saying he wants to come but he's not sure if he can.
Hours after that still nothing. My friend ajd her boyfriend were getting a bit irritated because they didnt know whether to get ready or not.
7:30pm he said he could make it. So i started getting ready and let my friend and her bf know they can too.
8pm had a phone call saying he couldnt make it anymore because he had nowhere to stay the night (we're 24 and i still live with parents and it's their house rules and i have 2 little sisters so they think it's too early for him to stay which i respect).
So i was fine with him, and told him i understood.
My friend was a bit annoyed but was fine in the end.

The next day he was hungover!! I gave him the benfit of the doubt and said to him he can always say no if he doesnt want to come to something, i'd rather that than be waiting for hours for a response.

Fast forward to today.
Last night, we all arranged to go to a pub for some drinks this afternoon (not even alcohol, even just a coke to catch-up);
He said he was up for it but wantsd to have breakfast with me in the.morning first.

I havent heard off him all morning even though he's seen my message asking if he still wants breakfast at 11am.
We were then meant to go meet friends.

But nothing from him. He lives 25 mins away from me. Meant to be meeting them in half an hour.
I've messaged my friend to ask if i can go with her since ive heard nothing from him.

But it's really getting to me. If he doesnt want to come then he can just tell me.

He goes on about being a rubbish messenger and i dont mind him taking ages to reply but when it involves plans, i find it really rude.

But i feel it's too early in the relationship to bring up any tension!

Thanks guys! I'm so glad i've had some perspective.
Honestly, i thought i was in the wrong yesterday (and i do genuinly believe my reaction to it all in terms of walking out was wrong, i recognise i can deal.with that better), but after reading this i dont feel quite so needy.

As a previous poster said, i wasnt in a mood if he didnt want to come, it was the not knowing which sent me over the edge

I was just shocked at my reaction too because i'm usually quite laid back but it's a pet peeve of mine when people.dont have the courtsey to update on plans

Just an update:
We discussed in detail what went wrong and why things went the way they did.

He said he understood why i was upset and he'll make sure he gets back to me about plans, whether he's coming or not, and i admitted that i was wrong to walk out without telling him and i shouldve discussed things with him afterwards.

I still feel like a massive idiot because of my reaction, as in i feel quite immature, but we're going to see how things to go but if it happens again, that'll be it for either of us

Okay OP.

See you in two months when you start a new thread because things haven't changed...

Hoping we're wrong, Op, but FWIW, I completely agree with @WendyBagina

Oh please.

Maybe youre all right and maybe im just being stupid but atm my mind is so preoccupied with my reaction to just walking out, i feel i really let myself down there

Sure, you could’ve handled it better. But I bet he isn’t regretting HIS behaviour.

The little weasel is all affronted as you called him out on his shitty behaviour.

So you're staying with him then? Good luck, I fear you're going to need it

This thread is making me realise how actually weak-minded i am in terms of sensitivity.
It's almost like i've forgotten the main reason why i was annoyed: that he leaves me hanging and my brain is just focusing on what I did and it's causing me massive anxiety and panic :(

Does anybody have any tips on how to stop taking the blame for everything?
I am a natural people-pleaser and will easily apologise for the life of me, but it's not a healthy way to be, is it

No, it’s not!

Lots of good stuff online on assertiveness for women.

Value and give consideration to your own needs and wishes as much as you do to others.2

Which is exactly why you’ll end up with him if people like him for most of your life unless you do some serious work on your boundaries and why you’re such a people pleaser.

I’ve been there, wasted years of my life.

I think it's natural to want people to be happy with us and our behaviour, which is fine as long as those people we are trying to please, are also working hard to please us. When it becomes one sided (ie, we are having to apologise to them for THEIR behaviour making us upset) then it's not a good thing.

One word op. Mug

my mind is so preoccupied with my reaction to just walking out, i feel i really let myself down there

Planning, can you really not see how this focus on your own behaviour is deflecting you from the real issue - HIS behaviour?
He already knows you are a people-pleaser. So all he needs do is tick you off for walking away that ONE time, & bingo! - suddenly all those multiple times he let you down, left you hanging, couldn't be arsed to contact you, was too busy playing with a baby niece to remember your existence ... no longer matter.

You have just handed your b/f the right to treat you like this forever more. WORDS don't change behaviours - ACTIONS do.

Do you know what I - & many mature woman - would have said had the jerk had the temerity to complain about us walking off from the pub? We would have told him to stop avoiding the issue, & to either take responsibility for his actions in hurting our feelings, or ... fuck off, basically.

Start by reading this, & then commit to attending an assertiveness course - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

This man is not putting you first, considering your feelings, or taking you seriously. If you are going to continue allowing that, please at least get wised up on where your own people-pleasing comes from, & techniques to help you feel more confident in yourself.

Funny how this has now all been turned round onto you isn't it?

I couldn't be arsed with this AT ALL and at 2 months in

I had a few short term and long term relationships in my late teens-30s. NOT ONE of the short term relationships where they messed me around at the beginning (vague with plans, cancelled at the last minute, didn't phone when they said they would) turned into something long term. Whereas every one of the long term relationships started well (made concrete plans and stuck to them, phoned when they said they would) and continued that way.

Unfortunately I didn't actually work this out until I was 34 and had met DH 🤦‍♀️. If I was ever dating again, I would never put up with the shit I did back than.

As many PPs have said, he's conditioning you already to accept his behaviour. Just forget about walking out of the pub without him - in this whole situation, yours is the least worst behaviour. Obviously it's in his best interests to make you think otherwise, though,

OP, I think you know this isn't going to turn into something amazing, but you're only 24, a few months won't make any difference. But please don't find yourself in the same situation when you're 30.