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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU that he doesnt get back to me about plans?

93 replies

PlanningIsComplicated · 11/08/2019 12:35

I'll try and keep this as simple as possible.
Been with boyfriend for 2 months but he is so flaky with plans, especially when they involve my friends.

Last week, we arranged a few drinks with my friend and her boyfriend, and me and him. He told me he was up for it.
The day came, i didnt hear off him until late afternoon, even though he saw my message in the morning asking if he still wanted to come.and he saw it.
Hours later he replied saying he wants to come but he's not sure if he can.
Hours after that still nothing. My friend ajd her boyfriend were getting a bit irritated because they didnt know whether to get ready or not.
7:30pm he said he could make it. So i started getting ready and let my friend and her bf know they can too.
8pm had a phone call saying he couldnt make it anymore because he had nowhere to stay the night (we're 24 and i still live with parents and it's their house rules and i have 2 little sisters so they think it's too early for him to stay which i respect).
So i was fine with him, and told him i understood.
My friend was a bit annoyed but was fine in the end.

The next day he was hungover!! I gave him the benfit of the doubt and said to him he can always say no if he doesnt want to come to something, i'd rather that than be waiting for hours for a response.

Fast forward to today.
Last night, we all arranged to go to a pub for some drinks this afternoon (not even alcohol, even just a coke to catch-up);
He said he was up for it but wantsd to have breakfast with me in the.morning first.

I havent heard off him all morning even though he's seen my message asking if he still wants breakfast at 11am.
We were then meant to go meet friends.

But nothing from him. He lives 25 mins away from me. Meant to be meeting them in half an hour.
I've messaged my friend to ask if i can go with her since ive heard nothing from him.

But it's really getting to me. If he doesnt want to come then he can just tell me.

He goes on about being a rubbish messenger and i dont mind him taking ages to reply but when it involves plans, i find it really rude.

But i feel it's too early in the relationship to bring up any tension!

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 11/08/2019 14:49

As someone up thread says, you're making him a priority whilst you're just an option for him. Makes me think he's just not that into you, sorry.

Cherrysoup · 11/08/2019 14:50

I don't think you've over reacted. He's just treating you poorly.

Cherrysoup · 11/08/2019 14:52

Message him back saying you can't believe he couldn't be arsed to message you so you had no idea what you were meant to do-again! He's an idiot to leave you hanging like this.

MatildaTheCat · 11/08/2019 14:56

A proper conversation would be a better way to communicate now. Tell him you are really fed up that he keeps messing you around and failing to stick to arrangements.

It’s just possible that he will pull himself together but if I’m honest it’s doubtful. He sounds pretty immature and isn’t bothered that you are left in the dark.

Original poster

PlanningIsComplicated · 11/08/2019 14:57

He's messaging saying he cant believe i've left him with my friends but i felt like a right idiot.
He apologised when i walked in but it's easy to apologise, he's done this twice. Then we didnt speak the rest of the half an hour i was there.

He said on the message that he didnt realise his baby niece was coming so forgot about the coffee.
But i dont mind that he saw his baby niece, i mind that he couldnt be bothered to tell me.

Now he's messaging saying
"He doesnt know what to think about us because of my reaction"

OP posts:

callmeadoctor · 11/08/2019 15:02

Possibly try ringing and actually speaking to him next time? At least you would get it from the horses mouth (so to speak)

LagunaBubbles · 11/08/2019 15:02

Grow a backbone OP - of course you haven't over reacted, stop letting him treat you like this. The fact you think you have over reacted is actually really concerning, as if you have low expectations of how someone should be in a relationship.

LagunaBubbles · 11/08/2019 15:03

The fact you think you have over reacted that should say.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 11/08/2019 15:05

Jesus Christ op strap on a pair. He's treating you like shit and gaslighting you. Tell him to fuck off and cut contact.

GabriellaMontez · 11/08/2019 15:05

Rude of him. Make sure you don't waste your time on someone without basic manners. If you give him another chance (I wouldnt) communicate your expectations to him for the future. Keep your standards high.

whatashitshow1 · 11/08/2019 15:08

Hes treating you terribly OP. As others have said he should be on his best behaviour early in the relationship. I dread to think what he'd be like some months down the line. He only cares about himself. Do yourself a favour and find someone who appreciates you.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 11/08/2019 15:16

And op stop believing his bullshit. He fucks you around and then comes up with 'but my baby niece' to try and make it sound like he was doing something so nice and reasonable. In reality he was

Fiddling with himself
With someone else
Drunk with his mates

And even if he was having a visit with his niece, his thumbs didn't fall off. He can text, he chose not to. Every single thing he does is a choice remember that. These aren't things happening by accident.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 11/08/2019 15:16

OMG this is ridiculous, he's being an arsehole and already you're worried about his reactions and feeling like you're overreacting. It's been 2 months FFS, he's not a boyfriend, fuck him off

TriciaH87 · 11/08/2019 15:21

He doesn't sound very invested in the relationship. I suggest asking him if it's just he doesn't want to spend time with your friends or if his not into the relationship.

Ninkaninus · 11/08/2019 15:22

Riiiight... so he didn’t get back to you about your plans because he was spending time with his baby niece?

That’s just about the most ridiculous excuse I’ve ever heard.

It’s 2 months in, he’s not even really a boyfriend yet. I’d cut him loose. It’s too much messing about, and if he’s this unbothered about you st this stage then it really doesn’t look good for how he’ll act when he isn’t on best behaviour.

But I also wouldn’t be expecting a very new boyfriend to meet my friends at such an early stage and I’m not sure he actually wants to hang out with them with you. He should have just said, though.

Loopytiles · 11/08/2019 15:25

You left the pub? That was pretty rude to your friends.

Would have been better to wait until afterwards to have it out with / dump him.

Ninkaninus · 11/08/2019 15:31

Yes that really was quite ridiculous behaviour...

Original poster

PlanningIsComplicated · 11/08/2019 16:54

I know, i told them i just wasnt feeling too good;
I went about it completely wrong; i shouldnt have just left him there, but i cant go back in time :(

I just feel i was annoyed from the get go so i wasnt good company;

He met up to speak to me and he's told me he likes me a lot but he's worried that this will be a regular thing of how i react;
But i dont usually react that way :(

OP posts:

Ainsl · 11/08/2019 17:03

I always think people treat you the way you let them. It's time to put your foot down! You deserve better than this. He's a flake for sure and you don't need that in your life.

WendyBagina · 11/08/2019 17:06

Why are you even considering continuing this relationship?!

Loopytiles · 11/08/2019 17:13

And you said what to him about his actions??

Loopytiles · 11/08/2019 17:14

He’s manipulative as well as rude.

Original poster

PlanningIsComplicated · 11/08/2019 17:23

I told him that i thought not letting me know this morning was extremely rude and that if he had time to see both my messages, he had time to send a quick response.
I said I left the pub because i felt i was rubbish company to everyone and everyone was just watching the football anyway so they wouldnt have mind that i left.

I did say i probably handled it immaturely but it was all getting to me. I felt awkward and it felt like i was forcing the tears back.
My friend noticed i was upset
I said
"I'll go in the next game"
She said
"Want me to take you back now?"
And i said
"Yeah, that's probably best"

I didnt think about saying bye to him because i was irritated, but i probably should have let him know i was going (that is my fault i admit).

He's gone home.and i'm home now, I'm just going to relax; i'm feeling a bit sad :(

OP posts:

Original poster

PlanningIsComplicated · 11/08/2019 17:24

It was kind of like a sense of panic came over me, and im looking back and cringing that i left
The mature thing to do probably wouldve been to stay and speak to him afterwards;
But oh well, we learn from these things

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 11/08/2019 17:26

You had cause to be pissed off but handled it passive aggressively.

Suggest working on your assertiveness and boundaries.

As for him, he seems unlikely to be a good boyfriend.

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