Irritated by DP’s female friend

[Lebou]

I’ve been with my DP for a year and a half, we each have our own places but I spend 5 days a week at his and only go home for work 2 days a week (we live 70 miles apart and he works full time from home and has a nice house compared to my tiny flat so for those reasons this is what works best). We’re planning on me moving there permanently and I’m letting my flat at the end of this year.

I’ve known from the start that he has a female best friend, (I’ll call B) although he doesn’t see much of any of his friends. He’s a bit of a loner as well as works a lot and prefers to spend the majority of his free time with his family and me, and sees friends probably only every couple of months. I haven’t met B as he’s seen even less of her the last year or so, (I think they met up to exchange Christmas presents, went to get some stuff for her house renovation a few months ago, and she invited us to a barbecue at hers about a month ago but we were away) so although I haven’t met her I don’t think in itself that’s too weird given how seldom he sees people generally. They message on WhatsApp fairly regularly though.

I know they initially met via online dating as my DP told me, but he said it quickly became apparent that there was nothing romantic between them so they became friends. I have no problem with this as I guess if they had wanted to be together then they would be, and she has a long term partner now.

So that’s all fine.

The things that I find quite weird and annoying are these:

When I had not been dating DP long, he was telling me about a time when he was seeing his ex and accidentally called B without realising when he and ex were having a row. He went to bed and woke up to about ten missed calls from the early hours from B, and when he called her back she had a go at him because she hadn’t realised he was seeing someone?! I can understand if I accidentally called a friend while arguing with a partner that they might be concerned and call me to check I’m ok, but ten times? At 2am? It wasn’t a furious violent row or anything, just a heated disagreement. And why should he have to tell her he’s seeing someone?

The other thing is he’s just joined Facebook and on literally every one of his posts she’s the first to comment and it’s always very gushing with lots of 😘 and ❤️ etc. It seems a bit excessive to me and if it was me commenting on a male friend’s stuff I would feel that would be disrespectful if I knew he had a girlfriend (especially one I hadn’t met) as it could look as though it was crossing a line. I just don’t really understand it, I guess she could just be a super affectionate gushy person but equally I’m wondering if she has some weird possessive/competitive thing about him and is sort of trying to mark her territory or wind me up? I’m annoyed with myself that it is winding me up but I obviously haven’t reacted in any way, I actually just think it looks a bit silly.

I trust DP and don’t believe any possible feelings from her are reciprocated.

Anyway AIBU? Should I say or do anything?

When I'd been with my now DH for about a month and it was aparrent that we really liked one another a lot, I DID mention that it was a bit weird that his ex called and messaged him about 4 times a week.

She was in another country...he'd lived in that country, then he'd split up with her, move to England and met me.. So he wasn't with her romantically when he met me.

He agreed and told her not to call him any more. That the relationship was over. He explained to me that she'd not wanted to split so he'd agreed to remain her friend though he felt this wasn't healthy for her he also felt sorry for her.

She'd been calling him for support really.

this is different to your situation though. I'd be honest and just tell your partner it's a bit weird.

Thanks @HennyPennyHorror, yes I guess that situation was different but I’m glad your DH ended the friendship as I can imagine that would have been annoying for you otherwise! I have told my DP I thought the phonecall thing was weird at the time but he didn’t say much and I didn’t push it as we were newly together. I think from that point I felt wary of B though so this may be colouring things now for me re the silly gushing on fb and emojis and stuff!

Sounds like she is after your man. I do like to chat to other men but in a friendly way not flirting. I was at a Christmas do a few years ago a married work colleague of my husbands asked me for a dance. We were dancing when suddenly over came his wife and elbowed me away from her husband lol. I just said he is all yours and walked off. She clearly was a jealous woman and maybe she had cause to be. Perhaps you can talk to this woman and ask her what her intentions are and tell her to back off in a friendly way.

It does sound like she's interested in him. Miley I'd be pissed off if MY husband asked another woman to dance!

Oh and OP...DON'T talk to this woman. Not in a friendly way or any other.

Tell your DP that it makes you uncomfortable and that you think she must like him...see what he says. It could be he's not realised...OR he enjoys the attention.

@Mileysmiley even if I felt jealous about you dancing with my DH I would never show it so publicly as I wouldn’t want to embarrass myself! That must have been awkward for you.

Maybe I should invite her round when I’m at DPs so that she can see I’m not threatened by her. I’ll just be incredibly incredibly nice to her

Ah @HennyPennyHorror x posted! You don’t think I should meet her? Know your enemy etc?

Go to the next BBQ or invite her to yours. When the monster comes out of the shadows the reality is often very different.

Sorry to go against the flow but I think you are overreacting. Some people are just quicker to react on social media than others and she is obviously a close friend, so why not. They met, there was no sexual chemistry but they like each other and stay in touch even if they don't meet up that often. I don't see any harm in it TBH, unless you have any other reason to feel insecure. If he wanted to be with her, he would be, but he clearly wants to be with you.

And yes, I would definitely meet her. The fact that she invited both of you to her BBQ is a good sign as she clearly sees you as a couple and, as his friend, wants to get to know you too.

Ok @Rock4please thanks, hopefully that is the case!

I agree she isn't after him.

It sounds like she thinks she has a special place in his life. Not necessarily a problem but the multiple calls over not saying he was seeing someone suggest she might be a bit controlling. The Facebook thing would annoy me as well to be honest, but my DH family are like that, think they must sit on social media all day waiting for us to post something. Try to keep objective for now.

I have to say I think she absolutely would go there. She probably really does not care about you, which is why she’s acting like that. As you said, if you had a male friend and they got a new girlfriend you would reel it in.

I think you need to meet her before you make this a bigger in your head deal than it needs to be. You'll know when you see how she reacts to you, how they are around each other if this is anything you need to worry about.

When I met DH he had/s a female best friend and I'll admit I was a little insecure about it - she used to cut his hair, they'd go clothes shopping together, quite 'intimate' things. When I met her she was so lovely to me and it was so obvious when I saw how they reacted around each other that they were just mates and there was nothing romantic there. We don't see each other very often now, 20 years later we all have families and other commitments but I do enjoy when we do get to see her and her DH.

Genuinely, you need to meet her.

Also, some people are ridiculous on social media with the hearts and the gushing at the slightest thing. She might just be a bit like that.

Thanks @LadyTiredWinterBottom2 I’m trying to stay neutral at the moment. I think you’re right in saying she feels like she has some kind of special status and is insecure of losing that, I dont want to be unkind to her if so, but I’m not going to put up with her being possessive or overbearing as that’s just not ok. I think it’s best I meet her and maybe she’ll calm down a bit when she realises I’m actually quite nice and not trying to steal him from her or anything! I have to admit it’s tempting to reply to her next fb comment with “yes DP you are the BEST at EVERYTHING and just so incredibly wonderful ❤️💕😘😘😘❤️❤️❤️“ (obviously would never actually do that, but that is literally the kind of thing she writes every day )

I would meet this girl as more often than not, it will be nowhere near anything you thought. Face your demons and you will surprise yourself !! Good luck

Agreed @BenWillbondsPants and @oldmum22

I don't know why he even told about the first incident. It was before your time and could have no impact on you except to make you feel a bit territorial. He says she was calling because she didn't know he had a girlfriend. Maybe, and if she didn't know that only speaks to him being odd not telling his girlfriend that. But I think it's fairer to assume that she called him so much cos he rang her in the middle of a row and she was concerned and checking he was okay. Beyond that, it's just FB chat which I wouldn't feel threatened by. Sure you can make a comment about how she's always the first to reply, but what do you want to achieve? He barely sees her, has no social life, seems devoted to you and you're moving in. To be conjuring up some threat from one questionable anecdote about when you weren't together and some emojis speaks to quite some insecurity. Do you feel like he needs to be even more cut off from others?

not telling his best friend* that

Also - "I’m not going to put up with her being possessive or overbearing as that’s just not ok"

He hasn't seen her since Xmas and has only dared to invite you both to a BBQ. I don't get the sense she's the possessive one here.

I met my male friend through online dating, there was nothing sexual there so we decided to be friends.

When we met our current partners, we stopped meeting up alone and did couples meet up! We rarely text unless it's about when we are next meeting up.

I think the telephone and ex story is strange. There likely was jealously there.

Some male/female friends keep each other around as a 'back up' so I keep that in mind but agree with the others that meeting her would be the best bet. Then you can see their interactions yourself.

@pinkdelight yeah I don’t know why he told me that either! He is a bit odd sometimes. I genuinely don’t feel insecure though, like you said he is devoted to me, I’m the first girlfriend to have met his family and spend so much time with him, and he’s never lived with any of his exes so I’m not threatened by her, just irritated. I feel a bit protective of my DP too I guess, I don’t like the thought of her being possessive or pressuring him

Meet her, she might just be an over enthusiastic person. If you can become facebook friends you might find out she comments similarly on a lot of friends posts which would be reassuring. Also the fact she has invited you to bbq is positive. The ott emojis are tactless though.

If I was good friends with a man I would realise the friendship depends on girlfriend feeling welcome/secure.

I think you’re right in saying she feels like she has some kind of special status and is insecure of losing that, I dont want to be unkind to her if so, but I’m not going to put up with her being possessive or overbearing as that’s just not ok.

You've been with him a year and a half, and as far as I can tell in that time he's barely seen her and the only thing she's done to arouse your suspicions is post some gushing comments on Facebook. I don't see what basis you have for claiming she's being overbearing or possessive. Are you sure this is not about your own insecurities?

I don’t think she’s after him but I don’t think it’s an appropriate relationship either. She wants the validation from him which you'd expect in a relationship without the relationship. That’s fine if both of you are single but if one of you then has a relationship it needs to change.