Irritated by DP’s female friend

[Lebou]

I’ve been with my DP for a year and a half, we each have our own places but I spend 5 days a week at his and only go home for work 2 days a week (we live 70 miles apart and he works full time from home and has a nice house compared to my tiny flat so for those reasons this is what works best). We’re planning on me moving there permanently and I’m letting my flat at the end of this year.

I’ve known from the start that he has a female best friend, (I’ll call B) although he doesn’t see much of any of his friends. He’s a bit of a loner as well as works a lot and prefers to spend the majority of his free time with his family and me, and sees friends probably only every couple of months. I haven’t met B as he’s seen even less of her the last year or so, (I think they met up to exchange Christmas presents, went to get some stuff for her house renovation a few months ago, and she invited us to a barbecue at hers about a month ago but we were away) so although I haven’t met her I don’t think in itself that’s too weird given how seldom he sees people generally. They message on WhatsApp fairly regularly though.

I know they initially met via online dating as my DP told me, but he said it quickly became apparent that there was nothing romantic between them so they became friends. I have no problem with this as I guess if they had wanted to be together then they would be, and she has a long term partner now.

So that’s all fine.

The things that I find quite weird and annoying are these:

When I had not been dating DP long, he was telling me about a time when he was seeing his ex and accidentally called B without realising when he and ex were having a row. He went to bed and woke up to about ten missed calls from the early hours from B, and when he called her back she had a go at him because she hadn’t realised he was seeing someone?! I can understand if I accidentally called a friend while arguing with a partner that they might be concerned and call me to check I’m ok, but ten times? At 2am? It wasn’t a furious violent row or anything, just a heated disagreement. And why should he have to tell her he’s seeing someone?

The other thing is he’s just joined Facebook and on literally every one of his posts she’s the first to comment and it’s always very gushing with lots of 😘 and ❤️ etc. It seems a bit excessive to me and if it was me commenting on a male friend’s stuff I would feel that would be disrespectful if I knew he had a girlfriend (especially one I hadn’t met) as it could look as though it was crossing a line. I just don’t really understand it, I guess she could just be a super affectionate gushy person but equally I’m wondering if she has some weird possessive/competitive thing about him and is sort of trying to mark her territory or wind me up? I’m annoyed with myself that it is winding me up but I obviously haven’t reacted in any way, I actually just think it looks a bit silly.

I trust DP and don’t believe any possible feelings from her are reciprocated.

Anyway AIBU? Should I say or do anything?

@NotDavidTennant no it was more the calling him obsessively and berating him for not informing her he had a girlfriend that makes me think she might be possessive and overbearing actually

"I feel a bit protective of my DP too I guess, I don’t like the thought of her being possessive or pressuring him"

But she's not so I don't know why you're indulging in that thought. What is she pressuring him to do? Like her FB replies? Bring his DP to her BBQ? It's fine. No drama to be had.

@pinkdelight you seem (repeatedly) determined to make me out to be insecure when I’m really not, it’s just annoying. The pressure from her was calling him repeatedly in the middle of the night and having a go at him for daring not to inform her he had a girlfriend. I think it’s natural to feel annoyed at someone treating somebody I love in that way.

"no it was more the calling him obsessively and berating him for not informing her he had a girlfriend that makes me think she might be possessive and overbearing actually"

Obsessively calling him on one occasion when he seemed to be in trouble. And berating is hyping it up - if my best friend hadn't said s/he had a DP I might comment on it. Again, it was before your time and he had no good need to tell you anyway. She's obsessively not called him for aeons so I'd focus on that and enjoy your relationship.

It’s ok @pinkdelight I’ve just realised - you’re B aren’t you

I can see a few posts now that think you have nothing to worry about and that’s probably true but just in case I think you should definitely meet her to see he she behaves.
My (now) DH has lots of female friends, some of whom are ex’s. I’ve met most and they all seem lovely, friendly and normal. Except one. She did things like you described except a bit more extreme. Was possessive on social media with lots of gushing emotion, rang him up or text him in the middle of the night with what would end up being a complete non issue, would drape herself over him or kiss him right in front of me and often this would occur despite her being in a long term relationship herself.
DH and I spoke about how it was odd (the behaviour seemed to have escalated when we got serious) and he spoke to her about appropriate contact but unfortunately it came to a head when she wouldn’t stop ringing him on our honeymoon. The friendship really doesn’t exist now after that, which is a shame as it was about boundaries. It might be that this is just a really close friendship that you are witnessing but it might be that this woman will drive the two of you a bit mad. We now think she hoped my DH would just always be there for her one day as a sort of ‘back up’. She didn’t want him, but didn’t want to let him go. I really hope she is just an enthusiastic and person but after experience I’d be cautious.

Because you're repeatedly using this one occasion from ages ago and it makes no sense unless you're insecure. Seems OTT to focus on her 'treating the one I love that way'. It was nothing and nothing's happened since. But if he's still wounded in some way by it and needs your protection then of course I'm wrong.

Thanks @FraggleRocking that must have been so annoying!

Id completely ignore her. He sees you all the time and hardly sees her.
Don't go creating opportunities for her to get into your life more.

Point out the FB oddness to him. Say its a bit much and you think she might be keeping him as a backup.

I have to say I kind of agree with Pinkdelight. I don't think your insecure or obsessed but your focusing on an incident that happened before your time and you only have BF version of it. It doesn't sound like she's been ringing much or pressurising while you've been with him.
As you said, the FB stuff may just be how she is?
I think meeting her will be a good thing.

You've only got his description of what happened on the night of the argument, though.

I'd be a bit upset if a good friend didn't share that they were dating. I'd be really worried if i thought someone phoned during an argument, looking for help. Is it just our female friends we have to worry about?

"Know your enemy etc?"

She's a friend of his, why because she's female does she have to be seen as the enemy?

Why is every woman with a male best friend seen as sad, predatory, overbearing etc.

You say you don't feel threatened by her, she's a friend, why would you?

She's done nothing overbearing or possessive.

He shouldn't have told you about what happened. In what other ways is he odd?

@ZenNudist yeah the backup thing definitely sounds plausible

@Zeusthemoose thanks, yes I am definitely not insecure, I have no reason to be, but I guess I’m focusing on that event as it’s kind of all I know about her! Even as a one off it’s something I’d never do so it has coloured things for me and made me wary, obviously I could meet her and decide she’s lovely and just a bit over enthusiastic, who knows!

@Ponoka7 ‘know your enemy’ is just a figure of speech, I don’t actually think of her as my enemy

I couldn’t possibly list all the ways he is odd, that would be an entire new thread. But I love him anyway

Showing my age but about 17 years ago this was me. I met a guy online, we met up and he said there was nothing there let's be friends. I agreed, but the reality was I really liked him and always hoped our friendship would become something (it only ever did when he'd been drinking). Fortunately I met my now husband before he met someone else, as I would have really struggled. I'd say she's still hoping he'll realise that she's the one at some point!

Can't get past these replies. Totally batshit.

So before he met you he had an argument with her about seeing someone. Nothing since and she knows about you. She's in a long term relationship.

They hardly ever see each other, so you've your arse in your hands only and for no other reason than because she is too gushy on social media. And from this people are deducing she's after him?

Absolutely batshit.

Thanks @Bluntness100, maybe this should be Am I Batshit instead of AIBU

Definitely meet her. It doesn't sound like you've got too much to worry about. If he was keeping her a secret then you would need to worry but it sounds like they are just good friends and she cares about him in a friendly way. Like you said they both had the opportunity when they were single that more could have happened but the sexual chemistry mustn't have been there when they met. I wouldn't worry about the social media thing. Some people are like that with liking everything and sending lots of hearts. She might be just really happy to see her friend happy.
I would need to meet a partner's female friends to feel secure. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I like to put a face to a name.

It's not really you op. You're just irritated because you're jealous and a bit insecure. People are telling you she's after him. That's what's batshit.

She sounds a bit desperate for his attention, maybe it’s loneliness? The Facebook comments make her sound like a 12yr old girl.
They haven’t seen each other in such a long time perhaps she is just missing him? Maybe it’s totally innocent and because you haven’t met her yet, it seems like there is more to it...
I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wouldn’t worry, I would just smile, shrug my shoulders and carry on. Be the grown up here.

@AGenericUsername yes, meeting someone in person almost always makes a difference, I’ve had little to go on and it’s easy to misunderstand.

Ignore incident from before you met, that's a non issue. The gushing messages and heart emojis on Facebook would absolutely fuck me off though. Definitely not normal friend behaviour. And even if she is just an overly affectionate person it's disrespectful to your relationship. How does your DP feel about it?

I think if a loved one has a friend that makes me unhappy, I'd either decide that the friend's presence is too obstructive to my wellbeing and scale back the relationship to something less intimate (so be friends or see them less often and without said friend) or I'd decide that my unhappiness is minor compared to the joy that friend brings and that joy is more desirable than the negative feelings I'm having about them.

I don't think ultimatums are the way forward and I don't think there is a default way people are supposed to interact with friends of any gender.

Personally, I don't aspire to change people or their lives to enhance their compatibility with me. What I aim for is a network of people who continuously choose for us to be friends/partners etc because it ultimately makes them happier.

Oh and I'd be upset if my best friend was having a relationship and didn't tell me. Irrational and selfish maybe but I'd be initially put out until I heard their really good reason. A less close friend, probably not,but bestie? I'd be miffed.

Am I the only one to imagine the infamous phone call went something like this:

DP's friend hears DP in an argument with unknown person, thinks he might be in trouble, repeatedly tries to call him back resulting in ten missed calls. When she gets through:

"I heard raised voices, are you alright?"
"Oh yes, I was just having an argument with my girlfriend"
"What? You never even told my you had a girlfriend. If I'd know that I would have worked out who you were arguing with and wouldn't have panicked so much"

Years later:
"There was this one time when my friend left ten missed calls and when she got though she shouted at me for not telling her I have a girlfriend".

@NotDavidTennant you could of course be right! I guess none of us will ever really know

I have two male friends who seem to be hermits. One has no issue with it but the other is struggling a little and has admitted to me in the past that he would like to be more socially apt. If he were to join facebook or any other platform I would react very quickly to all posts (as he has told me in the past that he is a little uncomfortable with them). She might just be trying to ease his way.