Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Irritated by DP’s female friend

94 replies

Lebou · 11/08/2019 06:19

I’ve been with my DP for a year and a half, we each have our own places but I spend 5 days a week at his and only go home for work 2 days a week (we live 70 miles apart and he works full time from home and has a nice house compared to my tiny flat so for those reasons this is what works best). We’re planning on me moving there permanently and I’m letting my flat at the end of this year.

I’ve known from the start that he has a female best friend, (I’ll call B) although he doesn’t see much of any of his friends. He’s a bit of a loner as well as works a lot and prefers to spend the majority of his free time with his family and me, and sees friends probably only every couple of months. I haven’t met B as he’s seen even less of her the last year or so, (I think they met up to exchange Christmas presents, went to get some stuff for her house renovation a few months ago, and she invited us to a barbecue at hers about a month ago but we were away) so although I haven’t met her I don’t think in itself that’s too weird given how seldom he sees people generally. They message on WhatsApp fairly regularly though.

I know they initially met via online dating as my DP told me, but he said it quickly became apparent that there was nothing romantic between them so they became friends. I have no problem with this as I guess if they had wanted to be together then they would be, and she has a long term partner now.

So that’s all fine.

The things that I find quite weird and annoying are these:

When I had not been dating DP long, he was telling me about a time when he was seeing his ex and accidentally called B without realising when he and ex were having a row. He went to bed and woke up to about ten missed calls from the early hours from B, and when he called her back she had a go at him because she hadn’t realised he was seeing someone?! I can understand if I accidentally called a friend while arguing with a partner that they might be concerned and call me to check I’m ok, but ten times? At 2am? It wasn’t a furious violent row or anything, just a heated disagreement. And why should he have to tell her he’s seeing someone?

The other thing is he’s just joined Facebook and on literally every one of his posts she’s the first to comment and it’s always very gushing with lots of 😘 and ❤️ etc. It seems a bit excessive to me and if it was me commenting on a male friend’s stuff I would feel that would be disrespectful if I knew he had a girlfriend (especially one I hadn’t met) as it could look as though it was crossing a line. I just don’t really understand it, I guess she could just be a super affectionate gushy person but equally I’m wondering if she has some weird possessive/competitive thing about him and is sort of trying to mark her territory or wind me up? I’m annoyed with myself that it is winding me up but I obviously haven’t reacted in any way, I actually just think it looks a bit silly.

I trust DP and don’t believe any possible feelings from her are reciprocated.

Anyway AIBU? Should I say or do anything?

OP posts:

messolini9 · 11/08/2019 10:16

if I really felt it was justified ... I would have a discussion with her

Discussion to what end?
Explaining that now you own DP that her friendship is to be dispensed with?
Grandly allowing that she may maintain the friendship, with your gracious condescension?
Interfering with the quality of her existing friendship, because you have to feel that your relationship trumps hers?

They will both think you are batshit.
Why not accept the next social invitation, allow your b/f to manage his own friendships, & stop overthinking the whole situation?

MisterLister · 11/08/2019 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lebou · 11/08/2019 10:19

@messolini9 nope, I’d start by getting to know her and her point of view, it’s a good start to productive discussions I find but I’m not at that point and may well never be.

@DioneTheDiabolist weird possessive/competitive thing about him and is sort of trying to mark her territory or wind me up? yes, it’s a theory, as yet unproved but it’s possible

OP posts:

Original poster

Lebou · 11/08/2019 10:21

@MisterLister I do expect basic respect from people just as I have basic respect for others and their relationships. It’s courtesy, good manners, sociability or whatever you want to call it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lebou · 11/08/2019 10:22

I’m not threatened by emojis, I just feel it’s a bit weird and inappropriate to use them in certain situations

OP posts:

DaphneFanshaw · 11/08/2019 10:23

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/08/2019 10:24

It's a batshit theory. You've been with him a year and a half, I would think she would have done something by now.

Your DP wanted you to feel jealous, so he told you a story and it worked. You've been played, but not by her.

MisterLister · 11/08/2019 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Horehound · 11/08/2019 10:26

She hasn't met you as q.couple yet so it hasn't fallen Into place for her yet.

When I met my husband he had a friend/work colleague like this. When I met her I got bad vibes, her ex looked exactly like my husband. She'd always mention times previous to me knowing my husband that when he and she were out people mistook them as a couple etx. She loved to tell me. I just said "yeh, it happens with me and male friend too it's natural for people to think like that..."
Then slowly I got to know her more and more and actually we have become really good friends. She has q long term part we now and we all get on, they stay over at our we have dinner parties with them.

I think I just kept thinking "keep friends close, enemies closer" and it worked out in the end.
If your bf doesn't seem interested I think you'll be fine.

Original poster

Lebou · 11/08/2019 10:26

Ok thanks @DioneTheDiabolist and everyone else for your input so far, interesting to hear so many differing views

OP posts:

Original poster

Lebou · 11/08/2019 10:28

@MisterLister I haven’t shown her any disrespect if that’s what you’re getting at, as I haven’t met her, spoken to her or had any involvement with her or her partner. I would treat her with respect if I met her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lebou · 11/08/2019 10:31

Ok I have to go out now so will check back later

OP posts:

Horehound · 11/08/2019 10:32

He’s a bit of a loner as well as works a lot and prefers to spend the majority of his free time with his family and me

Although just remembered about this bit. Sounds a but boring and is a bit of a red flag. You want someone who does see their friends and includes you in their life. Not just enclose themselves in a bubble.

Vasya · 11/08/2019 10:33

I wouldn't worry too much about this - it happened to someone else, not you, and was a while ago. Under those circumstances it's really hard for you to judge what it means for your relationship with your DP.

The other thing is he’s just joined Facebook and on literally every one of his posts she’s the first to comment and it’s always very gushing with lots of 😘 and ❤️ etc. It seems a bit excessive to me and if it was me commenting on a male friend’s stuff I would feel that would be disrespectful if I knew he had a girlfriend (especially one I hadn’t met) as it could look as though it was crossing a line. I just don’t really understand it, I guess she could just be a super affectionate gushy person but equally I’m wondering if she has some weird possessive/competitive thing about him and is sort of trying to mark her territory or wind me up? I’m annoyed with myself that it is winding me up but I obviously haven’t reacted in any way, I actually just think it looks a bit silly.

I agree this is gushy, but you can't change her behaviour. What matters is your DP's behaviour. Is he flattered? Does he play up to it? Is he stringing her along? If anything like that is happening, I would raise it with him, but if not then it's not a worry for you. She isn't in your relationship.

I trust DP and don’t believe any possible feelings from her are reciprocated.

This is key - it's his behaviour alone that matters for you.

31RueCambon · 11/08/2019 10:53

Well, as had been said before, when your bf was with his last girlfriend, the one he had the row with, I think he was keeping his female friend ...in abeyance, so to speak. I wouldn't go around announcing to all my friends ''I've met somebody!'' but clearly the female friend wouldn't have classified herself exactly as a friend. She felt there was a 'misdirection'. She rang him at 2am to challenge that and it's not like he cut her off afterwards, so I would be inclined to believe that he misdirected her, mislead her, lied by omission.

You, you are a different relationship. He has clearly been single for a while and still chose not to start a relationship with her.

I wouldn't be worried so much that he might drift off to be with her. I'd worry that he is not such a stand up guy. He is treating this female friend with such a lack of respect. I only read the first few posts, so if there's more to this, sorry. I should read the thread etc..

Why is it so hard for him to have an honest conversation with her. He likes the ego stroke of knowing that if he runs out of women he prefers, at least she's there. That would turn me off a man.

Sagradafamiliar · 11/08/2019 10:57

He isn't his 'female best friend' this is just what men tell their girlfriends/wives to keep them on their toes.
She is not a close friend- you've never met the woman. Your OH doesn't seem to have close friends or prioritise them and that is fine. Presenting a woman he met online as a 'close friend' isn't fine and doesn't get the 'cool girl' treatment from me. She's just someone lingering in the background who he hasn't cut complete contact with yet.

Sagradafamiliar · 11/08/2019 10:58

She*, even.

Vasya · 11/08/2019 11:08

@Sagradafamiliar do you really think men can't have female friends?

RedWoollyHat · 11/08/2019 11:14

Thing is, it really doesn't matter what her feelings/motivations are. She might be just a friend who overuses emojis on social media. Or she might be one of those folk who doesn't want him, but doesn't want anyone else to have him (dog in the manger types - they DO exist). Maybe she's lonely and so this friendship means more to her than it does to him. But point is - he's with you, so what does it matter? You've said you don't doubt him, so who cares what she feels. It comes down to - not just this particular woman - but whether you're going to let it bother you if there are people in your partner's life who may have feelings for him. Personally I think it doesn't matter and it's a waste of energy letting it take up any headspace.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread