Irritated by DP’s female friend

[Lebou]

I’ve been with my DP for a year and a half, we each have our own places but I spend 5 days a week at his and only go home for work 2 days a week (we live 70 miles apart and he works full time from home and has a nice house compared to my tiny flat so for those reasons this is what works best). We’re planning on me moving there permanently and I’m letting my flat at the end of this year.

I’ve known from the start that he has a female best friend, (I’ll call B) although he doesn’t see much of any of his friends. He’s a bit of a loner as well as works a lot and prefers to spend the majority of his free time with his family and me, and sees friends probably only every couple of months. I haven’t met B as he’s seen even less of her the last year or so, (I think they met up to exchange Christmas presents, went to get some stuff for her house renovation a few months ago, and she invited us to a barbecue at hers about a month ago but we were away) so although I haven’t met her I don’t think in itself that’s too weird given how seldom he sees people generally. They message on WhatsApp fairly regularly though.

I know they initially met via online dating as my DP told me, but he said it quickly became apparent that there was nothing romantic between them so they became friends. I have no problem with this as I guess if they had wanted to be together then they would be, and she has a long term partner now.

So that’s all fine.

The things that I find quite weird and annoying are these:

When I had not been dating DP long, he was telling me about a time when he was seeing his ex and accidentally called B without realising when he and ex were having a row. He went to bed and woke up to about ten missed calls from the early hours from B, and when he called her back she had a go at him because she hadn’t realised he was seeing someone?! I can understand if I accidentally called a friend while arguing with a partner that they might be concerned and call me to check I’m ok, but ten times? At 2am? It wasn’t a furious violent row or anything, just a heated disagreement. And why should he have to tell her he’s seeing someone?

The other thing is he’s just joined Facebook and on literally every one of his posts she’s the first to comment and it’s always very gushing with lots of 😘 and ❤️ etc. It seems a bit excessive to me and if it was me commenting on a male friend’s stuff I would feel that would be disrespectful if I knew he had a girlfriend (especially one I hadn’t met) as it could look as though it was crossing a line. I just don’t really understand it, I guess she could just be a super affectionate gushy person but equally I’m wondering if she has some weird possessive/competitive thing about him and is sort of trying to mark her territory or wind me up? I’m annoyed with myself that it is winding me up but I obviously haven’t reacted in any way, I actually just think it looks a bit silly.

I trust DP and don’t believe any possible feelings from her are reciprocated.

Anyway AIBU? Should I say or do anything?

If they’re good friends it’s possible that him going out with someone makes her feel a bit displaced. If so that’s her issue to come to terms with, and she possibly has. The hearts and gushing on FB sounds annoying but that’s what some people do. Hopefully there’s nothing for you to worry about.

Good point @notyetsleepingthrough

Ditto @redcarbluecar

@notyetsleepingthrough

I know a couple of hermits as well and they would make lovely partners or husbands. The trouble it they are very shy and most women like confident men.

I’ve known from the start that he has a female best friend
For years? - as you have only been together 18 months.

I’m wondering if she has some weird possessive/competitive thing about him
As they only see each other every couple of months, it seems unlikely.

Know your enemy etc?
ENEMY? If this were a male friend, who your DP saw half a dozen times a year, would you be casting him as an enemy? Solidarity, sister ...

but I’m not going to put up with her being possessive or overbearing as that’s just not ok
But it's ok for you, a g/f of 18 months, to be possessive & overbearing?

I trust DP and don’t believe any possible feelings from her are reciprocated.
Then why all the overwrought language, the casting of his friend into an 'enemy' role, & repetition of the phrase "possessive"? If you trust him, where's the problem?

I don’t like the thought of her being possessive or pressuring him
But again, it's ok for you to feel possessive, & you are clearly considering piling on the pressure - using language like: "I'm not going to put up with" is pretty inflammatory & might not end well for you & your b/f.

I feel a bit protective of my DP too I guess
Why? What danger is he in that he couldn't survive without your protection? How did he manage up until 18 months ago?
Are you sure by "protective" you don't mean "possessive"?

He sees her maybe 6 times a year, she was on the scene before you, she has invited you to a BBQ, you say you trust your b/f ... what's with all the over-reaction?

Why not treat your b/f as a grown-up who can manage his own friendships without your assistance?

Maybe I should invite her round when I’m at DPs so that she can see I’m not threatened by her.

But you are.
Also competitive, territorial, possessive ... all the things you've accused this woman of.
You'd feel a great deal happier if you worked on those feelings & where they stem from, rather than trying to control your DP's relationship with a friend who happens to be female.

I would be irritated by her too, specifically the FB comments, really not appropriate, I bet all those saying you ABU wouldn't like that either.

Ok so some disagreement between the last two posts

I agree with @Bluntness100, I think (although it’s all a bit too batshit for me to follow).

Ultimately though, so what if she is “after him”? You’ve got him haven’t you so what’s the problem exactly? And yes, you are focusing (unhealthily) on the argument thing. It has absolutely nothing to do with you or your relationship, yet you still mentioned it length in your OP.

I don’t see any particular reason for you to go out of your way to meet her. Stamping ownership on a man is totally cringeworthy. He’s with you, not her so just leave it at that. If he wanted to be with her, he had the chance. If he wants to be with her in the future, he will be.

And what @messolini9 said

Some male/female friends keep each other around as a 'back up'

What a cynical & commodifying view.
Some male/female friends stay in touch because they are ... hold on to your hat ... good friends.

My 2 closest friends are both male, we have a group WhatsApp and message every day. They have both had relationships and 1 a marriage. We have been friends since college so about 13 years and there has genuinely never been anything but platonic feelings. We've shared rooms and beds over the years but nothing has ever even come close to happening. I think you need to meet his friend and judge her for yourself. It sounds to me like she's just a very good friend

I genuinely feel there is a bit of projection and competitive ‘cool wife’-ery going on here! But I am taking all your points on board, thanks to everyone for replying

Any perspective anyone gives is only a projection of their values and experiences. You aren't expecting us to answer according to academic research.

I chose my username after reading the "cool wife"thread but on a serious note, it's worrying that you view people who are comfortable with their partner having friends of all sexes as "cool wives" rather than emotionally healthy and compassionate people.

I don’t think she’s after him but I don’t think it’s an appropriate relationship either.
How is it inappropriate? Because the OP owns him now, & is entitled to tell him to start dropping friends because ... why?

She wants the validation from him which you'd expect in a relationship without the relationship.
Huh? Most likely, all she wants is what these people had before OP came along, & still have. A relationship. You know a friendship IS a relationship, right?

That’s fine if both of you are single but if one of you then has a relationship it needs to change.
Only if you are still basing your relationship management skills on the rules of primary school playgrounds. "If you are friends with me you can't be friends with Jill!" Really? Do adults really carry on like this?

@Kewlwife I think you’re missing the point in that I have no issue with female friends, just ones that overstep boundaries, and I’m not sure if you’ve read the whole thread but I haven’t been completely black and white over whether she is or not, I’m open to the discussion. Some pp however I think have been very black and white and this is what my comment about projection (on both sides) related to.

It could be nothing, it could be something, it’s interesting to discuss and I’m grateful for everyone’s input

@messolini9 please tell me where exactly I said I would ask him to drop her as a friend?

As I’ve already said, the ‘know your enemy’ comment is a well known figure of speech and I don’t have any literal enemies. Just as if I were to say I would kill her with kindness if we met would not mean that I was actually planning on killing her

I am really thinking about whether I’m insecure, even subconsciously. Insecurity would mean I have a fear of losing him to her and I don’t, I have no reason to. I do feel like she may be overstepping boundaries though and I think that comes more down to feeling a lack of respect for our relationship rather than a fear of her damaging it IYSWIM.

And I do recognise when I feel insecure because I’m insecure about other things! (not with regard to the relationship)

@Lebou

Your boundaries aren't THE boundaries though. For example, in my relationship, sex with other people is within our agreed boundaries. That is because my partner and I sat down and discussed our personal boundaries and what type of relationship we wanted. What agreements have you made?

I feel like monogamous people assume there is a default rule book that everyone knows and so these things don't need to be explicitly discussed.

@Lebou - it's been implied throughout the thread, but specifically here -

but I’m not going to put up with her being possessive or overbearing as that’s just not ok

How do you intend to control (your perception of) the behaviour of a woman you have never met? In what way can you "not put up with" anything to do with someone you don't even know?
Ergo, you are considering controlling the member of this friendship you DO know, by pressurising him to change/abandon his friendship.

@lebou I think you’re getting a hard time.
You’re right, at no point have you suggested you’d like the friendship to end.
I think at this point it’s just fear of the unknown. You’ve never met her. Or seen them together. Reassess once you have and try and forget about it until then.

@messolini9 if I really felt it was justified (and at the moment it’s absolutely not, hence why I’m interested in people’s views) I would have a discussion with her, I wouldn’t be ordering my DP to end the friendship, that’s a conclusion you’ve jumped to.

There’s more than one way to skin a cat you know! (disclaimer: am not literally planning on skinning any cats)

Thanks @FraggleRocking it’s par for the course on AIBU! I can take it!

I genuinely feel there is a bit of projection and competitive ‘cool wife’-ery going on here!
Nope, there competitive misogyny going on. His friend hasnt done anything wrong, yet you feel threatened by some OTT emojis and are accusing her of having a ... weird possessive/competitive thing about him and is sort of trying to mark her territory or wind me up?