to feel drained that my emotions get shut down by dp

[astressedoutmum1011]

I kind of just need an outlet here. i've been with my dp for 4 years and we have a 2 year old and one year old. as people we get on well and have lots in common like spending time together but i am utterly frustrated with feeling like my feelings are invalid and when i need support it is just not there.

he works mon-fri and i work saturday-sunday (looking for more conveniant work schedule but only option to pay the bills at the moment) and i do everything. monday to sunday i get up 5-6 with the kids do all of the night feeds, wash up every night, iron the clothes, take the kids out, cut the grass cook dinner. everything and he gets to lay in until he starts work and be waited on hand and foot. i feel guilty to ask him to help because he will accept but just give me a glare and i feel like i'm in the wrong for asking. i even have to do this when im working. i got up at 5am this morning, got the kids dressed, made there breakfast, went to work at 8.45 worked until 6.30 got home, made the kids dinner, washed up and cleaned the trashed kitchen from where he made the kids lunch and didnt wash up and put the kids to bed. i've told him every day that i am exhausted and he didnt offer to help once.

i told him that i was upset by this and just wanted to feel emotionally valued or even valued that i work hard and every time he will relay the same phrase of 'tell me what i can do to help and i'll do it' but in a really frustrating monotonous tone and it'll always be the exact sentence. or 'well there's nothing i can do now' and it's over. i feel like i can never say anything after that and it just goes back. i just sat sobbing in front of him just telling him that im sad and tired and he listened then told me his tea was getting cold, hugged me then walked downstairs and let me cry. he makes me feel like i'm wrong for wanting to have some support and makes me feel guilty and backtrack. i'm just exhausted and tomorrow he'll make me feel bad for tonight and i'll end up apologising and i know it's coming and i'm just exhausted

Just stop doing it, don't make his dinner, let the laundry pile up, the house get dusty etc, when he says tell me what to do say 'open your eyes and look around, you're an adult the same as me, no one tells me what needs doing', it's not like his penis affects his vision.

I would say the bottom line is you’re exhausted.

Try the conversation at the point in the day you have the most energy?

I hope he listens xx

Next time he says telle what to do, tell gim to take half the responsibility instead of loading it all on you! So no, dont ask, shoulder your own load, and stop leaving all the load on you to carry. Thats not a partnership in any way than name alone.

What a shit to walk off so uncaring to your distress

He doesnt sound like much of a person to be around tbh. Wheres the joy in that kind of interaction. You do it all while he doesn't and ignores your upset at this.

I know exactly how you feel! And I have sooo many friends that all say the same thing about their husbands/partners.

I live in hope that we'll some how make it through to when dd is older and our work (and therefore home) lives realign because we too work really well as two human beings. But some days I really have to try hard to not drop a tv on his face while he's lying there snoring his way through another f*ing lie-in while I'm up doing everything that needs doing!

Men are inherently incapable of coping in many situations: early mornings; broken sleep; seeing mess/dirt; doing ALL of the dishes, I could go on but you see what I'm getting at. I keep doing everything for my family because although I do on occasion cry or bite someone's head off, I am significantly better at just getting on with it without making the whole household miserable.

I'm sorry I can't give you any resolution. Men are the weaker sex - we've been lied to for years!

Wtf! WHY are you putting up with such shitty treatment?!

Does he do ANYTHING at home apart from the bare minimum to keep the kids alive when you're doing your paid job?!

He is behaving APPALLINGLY lazy, selfish and COMPLETELY unsupportive!

"Tell me what needs doing" indeed!

He's a grown ass adult he KNOWS what needs doing!

He KNOWS to tidy up after himself AND the kids

He KNOWS dirty dishes need washing

He KNOWS dirty clothes need washing

He KNOWS the grass needs cut (geez he's not even plain sexist/old fashioned as THIS is traditionally a "man's job")

Stop tolerating this!

Tell him he pulls his weight or gets the fuck out! Because at the moment YOU are essentially caring for THREE kids - including a sullen, selfish, lazy teen!

I'm amazed you find him remotely attractive!

Men are inherently incapable of coping in many situations: BULLSHIT

They are no less capable than women! Having a penis doesn't render them stupid or blind!

Men like this are LAZY they don't do the work because they KNOW the woman they're with will tolerate their behaviour and do the work themselves.

Women need to stop being such complete mugs on this stuff!

Stop doing everything for him. Just stop!

And, FFS, take steps to make sure you don't have a third child with him. He won't because it doesn't affect him.

He said tell him what to do, so tell him what to do. I think ‘move out’ would be a clear enough instruction for him to get his brain around.

Kelly hall by the time your DC are grown up, instead of your lives re-aligning, you may find yourself so eaten up with resentment that you cant bear to look at him

and hugs.
So tomorrow, instead of apologising you tell him you can’t go on like this. You are exhausted and he is not pulling his weight, in fact currently he is not even holding the rope.
Ask him what he is going to do about it. Put the responsibility on him.
Tell him he needs to be a partner. He knows what needs doing, if he thinks about it.
Point out that at least half of the work is managing the work.. that means that if you have be the manager by telling him what needs doing, your share of the work will have been done. A managers job is to know what needs doing and delegate the tasks and sort problems and the timings. The other parties then do the work delegated to them when they are told.
His choice is to do ALL the cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing up and tidying away, laundry, ironing and childcare and you tell him what to do, when to do it and how to do it; OR he works out with you what needs doing (sharing the management) and then does an equal share of the tasks.
No third way, no compromise, or you will crack with exhaustion, be seriously ill and he will be doing it all on his own and having to look after you as well as the house and himself.

I absolutely hate the “men are incapable” attitude! I’ve never had to explain to my DH what needs done, he’s an adult who can see what needs done and he’s grown up enough to just do it without expecting praise for it.
You need to set him straight, do not ask him for help, that implies it is your responsibility, it’s not your responsibility it’s a team effort. Stop doing everything for him and make him take responsibility, quite honestly if it were me it would be a case of shape up or ship out.

Just stop what you are doing, or at least half of it. You shouldn't have to tell him or ask him to do anything, this is just adding to your workload. If you think of this as a work situation and you had an employee who constantly needed to be told what tasks to be doing otherwise they'd do nothing, they wouldn't be in the job long!

It might be he genuinely believes that doing the odd thing around the house as well as working full time is his fair share. On days you are working, just mimic his routine and let him deal with getting kids up etc as a start maybe?

You sound like a wonderful dedicated mother - the pillar of the family.

Have you thought of couples counseling? Your partner isn't listening to you and pulling his weight it sounds. A counselor can help you feel as if you have a voice.

And on the weekends you get yourself up and to work, leave him to sort the children (pop them onto the bed with him whilst you get yourself ready and have breakfast if necessary- they’ll soon sort him!). Ask where your tea is when you come in, don’t enter the kitchen, do just what he does on his work days. If no tea arrives in time fix your self something and leave the pots with his mess. And remind him every night when he gets in from work that he still has to wash the pots and put them away if he fails to do them on his “at home” days.

He sounds vile OP, sorry to say. He’s a lazy father and even worse husband.

For you to manage that kind of a workload is unsustainable and unfair. There are two ways of fixing it, and both start with giving him an ultimatum about him acting like an adult who does his share, rather than a parasite or a third child.

So he ups his game, or you end the relationship. Either way your workload reduces to a manageable level.

This is a really terrible example for your kids, so another reason to nip it in the bud early. I assume you would be horrified for your sons to end up like him, or your daughters to be married to someone like him? That’s what will be normal for them if change doesn’t happen now.

He clearly has different expectations in regards to how your domestic affairs need to be arranged. Instead of expecting him to deal with your emotional issues - this is entirely your responsibility - you need to sit him down, tell him that your current arrangement isn’t working for you and work out something better (e.g. he is responsible for housework on the days you are working, or he is responsible for xyz). It’s a shame that he doesn’t care enough about your feelings to put some thought into how he can help you but that’s just how it is. You can’t force him to cars but you can make sure you divide domestic duties fairly.

Men are inherently incapable of coping in many situations: early mornings; broken sleep; seeing mess/dirt; doing ALL of the dishes

What a load of sexist shit. Do you seriously believe what you've just written? Not helpful to OP either.

OP you need to stop enabling him.

If you are doing everything Mon-Friday, then he needs to do the same at the weekend so he has a meal waiting for you after work just as you do for him, does everything with the kids etc. - all day long. If he slacks then you drop off one important job in the week e.g. not ironing his work shirts, or washing his stuff, getting an evening for you and the kids but not him- he'll soon learn. Play silly buggers, like he does. You have allowed this situation to happen.

Right now he knows you’ll keep doing it all- he just needs to weather your little temporary strops every so often.

You need to break that pattern. Start by making all your strategies/conversations about the future and not the past. No ‘you didn’t/you could have/why didn’t you’.

Set a period, say a month. Book marriage therapy appointments for the end of that month. Several. Write a domestic jobs list. Schedule a workshop ‘hour’ for showing him how things are done (if he truly doesn’t know how). Include laminated sheets of instructions, pinned above appliances.

Lay it out very clearly to him. He will contribute his half of the housework (and planning, and buying) or he will have to explain why not to the counsellor. Tell him that you’ve come to the realisation that he’ll probably have to live on his own if this month doesn’t work, both for him to learn about adulting and for your workload to lessen. You can’t and won’t run around after another kid- him. That although you like some aspects of his personality, and will miss him, you’ve decided to prioritise your health (mental & physical). For your sake, and that of the kids.

Don’t enter into any discussions. Just lay it down, and say you’ll revisit it at month’s end.

Great advice above.

But honestly OP wtf are you doing.

Stop being a total skivvy for this lazy pig of a man.
Stop having children with him.
Stop doing anything for him.
Tell him shape up or ship the fxxx out.

Life is too short.

I’d call his bluff and write the lazy fucker a list. Then he has no excuse.

Wow to all the above replies about it being OP allowing this. The stuff needed doing so she did it, expecting the other adult to pitch in. The bit about his tea getting cold and him walking away was particularly awful.
@astressedoutmum1011 it's not your fault that he's a lazy fuck. But I would stop doing anything for him, including meals and washing even though it's petty. Just look after yourself and the children, if he says anything tell him he's an adult and needs to learn to look after himself as he might have to do it full time soon.
I'm married with a 1 year old and under 1, and we are a team.

He’s not engaging with you because the current set-up works nicely for him and he doesn’t want it to change.

I often think how nice it would be to have a wife and be able to trot out the ‘just tell me what I can do to HELP’ line.