to feel drained that my emotions get shut down by dp

[astressedoutmum1011]

I kind of just need an outlet here. i've been with my dp for 4 years and we have a 2 year old and one year old. as people we get on well and have lots in common like spending time together but i am utterly frustrated with feeling like my feelings are invalid and when i need support it is just not there.

he works mon-fri and i work saturday-sunday (looking for more conveniant work schedule but only option to pay the bills at the moment) and i do everything. monday to sunday i get up 5-6 with the kids do all of the night feeds, wash up every night, iron the clothes, take the kids out, cut the grass cook dinner. everything and he gets to lay in until he starts work and be waited on hand and foot. i feel guilty to ask him to help because he will accept but just give me a glare and i feel like i'm in the wrong for asking. i even have to do this when im working. i got up at 5am this morning, got the kids dressed, made there breakfast, went to work at 8.45 worked until 6.30 got home, made the kids dinner, washed up and cleaned the trashed kitchen from where he made the kids lunch and didnt wash up and put the kids to bed. i've told him every day that i am exhausted and he didnt offer to help once.

i told him that i was upset by this and just wanted to feel emotionally valued or even valued that i work hard and every time he will relay the same phrase of 'tell me what i can do to help and i'll do it' but in a really frustrating monotonous tone and it'll always be the exact sentence. or 'well there's nothing i can do now' and it's over. i feel like i can never say anything after that and it just goes back. i just sat sobbing in front of him just telling him that im sad and tired and he listened then told me his tea was getting cold, hugged me then walked downstairs and let me cry. he makes me feel like i'm wrong for wanting to have some support and makes me feel guilty and backtrack. i'm just exhausted and tomorrow he'll make me feel bad for tonight and i'll end up apologising and i know it's coming and i'm just exhausted

Update I went home from work early because they didn't need me and the kids were asleep and showed my oh the article someone put earlier about help=respect (couldn't find the poster) he read it, got up did the washing up then sat down and didn't say a word. I asked him what he thought and he said 'it's everything you said last night but with the added threat of leaving me' I tried to have a conversation and it was 'ok I'll do that from now' and'whst do you want me to do it's already happened. He has a talent of turning everything around

Don’t know why you, or anyone on this thread in a similar position, puts up with this tbh. Chores should be shared and he should know to clean up after himself. As a very very basic foundation of a relationship and family

@Cloglover thank you very much, I'm really pleased I posted. I was a bit worried before because I only search relevant stuff and don't post but I'm really pleased I have because everyone has been really supportive x

This place can be the best and worst! But fwiw, since I started checking in every day (sign up to mn and they send you 5 of the most visited threads) I have learnt so much about what I should and shouldn't expect from people, how to stand up for myself and identifying cf behaviour. It has been so empowering and really has helped me see the wood for the trees.

Don't take no shit from that man. You have proved over the years he needs you much more than you need him. Know your worth. I was no where near as responsible at your age. Really truly, know your worth. X

I am so glad you are feeling supported here OP! What you are suffering with this pretence of a man can send you really spiralling down,but now you have empowered yourself to know its not you,its him.

Hes the arse thats side-stepping and twisting and manipulating things round on you. All of it. Dont go down with that ship,see it from the outside and watch him either step up or step away. Currently he is completely opted out and abdicated all duties to you. It's a totally shit way to treat someone you are supposed to love.

Anyone blaming this kind of behaviour on non-normative issues is well out of line, very insulting to those with autism. Trying to use it as an excuse for this mans behaviour is so insulting to everyone's intelligence and those suffering autism

@Smotheroffive thank you ever so much. Today has made me feel the best I have felt in a long time. It's just constantly this limbo of being sad, exhausted then manipulated into making me feel like I'm overreacting or crazy and having so many constructive criticism' has been so good.i feel resentment towards him and have stood my ground. I forced him to lay on the floor with the kids and me and play dinosaurs and he's making me dinner.

I've just done everything for so long I feel guilty if anyone else offers to help including friends who offer to watch the kids while I nap or shower and I have felt guilty to accept there offers because I have been made to feel guilty.

I won't be able to leave him because I have nowhere to go, no money, And no childcare for my 2 jobs and course but I feel like I can start concentrating on me a bit xx

So glad you are feeling support OP.
You sound so lovely.
As do so many of the women who look for support on MN.

It is really heartbreaking to read thread after thread of women being treated like slaves in their own homes.

Isolated, alone, or abandoned by their families.
Desperately trying to do the right thing by their children.

So shameful to read of parents refusing to support their daughter's whom have children young.

Honestly, hard to fathom.

No advice at all OP, other than to try and stand up for yourself.

Wishing you every luck and strength.
You deserve both, so much.

I think i would try to get him to agree to some basic rules that apply to both of you.

e.g.

• The person who isn't working gets up with the kids in the morning.
• The person who has been at work takes the kids when they come home and gets them ready for bed.
• The person who has been at home all day makes dinner.
• There's no expectation that housework will get done during the day while the kids are awake (or there is, if you prefer but specify what that means - maybe 1 laundry load per day?).

He wants clear direction, so agree some ground rules. And insist that you get treated the same way he does. You're both equal in the relationship, you deserve to be treated equally.

Dont tell him what to do

Tell him what you do when hes working and you're looking after the kids, then ask him what he thinks it's fair he does when it's the other way round

Ask him why he thinks its fair he has c hours leisure time (tb, gaming, hobbies etc) a week when you get none. If he implies you've got an easier time of it because being at home with the kids is easy well why cant he do that when you're at work if its such a piece of piss