to feel drained that my emotions get shut down by dp

[astressedoutmum1011]

I kind of just need an outlet here. i've been with my dp for 4 years and we have a 2 year old and one year old. as people we get on well and have lots in common like spending time together but i am utterly frustrated with feeling like my feelings are invalid and when i need support it is just not there.

he works mon-fri and i work saturday-sunday (looking for more conveniant work schedule but only option to pay the bills at the moment) and i do everything. monday to sunday i get up 5-6 with the kids do all of the night feeds, wash up every night, iron the clothes, take the kids out, cut the grass cook dinner. everything and he gets to lay in until he starts work and be waited on hand and foot. i feel guilty to ask him to help because he will accept but just give me a glare and i feel like i'm in the wrong for asking. i even have to do this when im working. i got up at 5am this morning, got the kids dressed, made there breakfast, went to work at 8.45 worked until 6.30 got home, made the kids dinner, washed up and cleaned the trashed kitchen from where he made the kids lunch and didnt wash up and put the kids to bed. i've told him every day that i am exhausted and he didnt offer to help once.

i told him that i was upset by this and just wanted to feel emotionally valued or even valued that i work hard and every time he will relay the same phrase of 'tell me what i can do to help and i'll do it' but in a really frustrating monotonous tone and it'll always be the exact sentence. or 'well there's nothing i can do now' and it's over. i feel like i can never say anything after that and it just goes back. i just sat sobbing in front of him just telling him that im sad and tired and he listened then told me his tea was getting cold, hugged me then walked downstairs and let me cry. he makes me feel like i'm wrong for wanting to have some support and makes me feel guilty and backtrack. i'm just exhausted and tomorrow he'll make me feel bad for tonight and i'll end up apologising and i know it's coming and i'm just exhausted

It is possible your OH is HFA with saying 'My tea's getting cold'. The other explanation might be he's an arse and letting you know his cup of tea cooling is more important or urgent in his eyes than the issue you're raising.

That sounds really tough. He’s got used to you doing everything and doesn’t want that to change as he would have to step up. If he actually listens to your feelings he would have to accept things have to change but instead he chooses to make
It so it’s nothing about him.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

You should show him this ^

And you need to stop doing everything.

@mousetolioness that could be a possibility. i've never thought of that to be honest because he's never fitted the boxes but i get that's it's a spectrum. i don't think that's the case because he's a real people person and i've never noticed him having any problems with social interactions other than our arguments, yet again i know close to nothing about it x

Surely the issue here is not his lack of emotional support but the fact that his behaviour is driving the op to the brink in the first place?

The fact that he can behave reasonably with other people outside the home, but becomes angry and manipulative whenever the op tries to challenge his behaviour shows he is in full control and awareness of his actions and their consequences.

The speed of this relationship, and his behaviour now are both serious red flags. How old is he?

Good people don't make others feel guilty and responsible for their own faults. They also don't treat the mother of their children like a skivvy.

The housework and childcare are just as much his responsibility as yours, op. It's not about him "helping you", it's about him pulling his weight and doing things he should be doing. Every time he refuses or tells you to give him tasks to "help" you he is saying that he considers it your job to do all of it alone.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, op.

Suggesting this kind of deliberately manipulative, unpleasant behaviour is indicative of autism is offensive.

Maybe a discussion can better be started by making him draw up a list of things that need doing?

Rather than sitting down and doing a list of jobs and allocating him his, get him to draw up a list. Then when it consists of things like 'cook dinner, wash up', you can ask who does the peripherals (the shopping for the food, the preparation of food, the clearing of sides and table, the stacking of the dishwasher/unstacking. putting away clean plates etc.

Sometimes men who've been brought up as Little Princes only see the big, obvious jobs and don't notice the smaller jobs that are made necessary by the obvious ones. Like children not just needing food, being dressed/undressed and put to bed, but needing entertaining, bathing, etc. What does your DH do with the children when you are at work, OP? Does he take them out, do stuff with them, take them to places, or does he just turn the TV up louder over the sound of them shouting and think that just keeping them alive is a praiseworthy job?

update of this morning. i got the kids up as normal asked him to get up 3 times so i could go to work. he ended up getting up 2 minutes before i had to leave the house, no apology at all barely spoke to me apart from to snappily ask if the kids had had breakfast at 8. then got tutted at when i said no (was perfectly pleasant) and that they could have jam on toast(as i usually do it) had the door slammed on me and had to run three quarters of a mile for my bus as i left so late.

@zaphodsotherhead unfortunately your description is phenominally accurate. tv on all day i put at least 2 activities out a day on the side for them to do together (playdough/drawing/painting) etc. sometimes they'll do it and i tell him they have to go in the garden for a run around everyday but he's never actually taken them out on his own ever.

He is choosing to be a lazy, selfish arsehole.

He chooses to be this way.

YANBU to feel the way you do, OP, because you are in a really shit situation. But someone who genuinely cared about you would not be able to behave so selfishly towards you. He won't change, I can guarantee that.

I don’t think he’s autistic I think he’s lazy. And choosing to be lazy. And then acting like a sullen teenager when he gets called on it

tell me what i can do to help and i'll do it'

This is such bullshit - why does the emotional labour of organising the household have to fall to you? Why does he need to be told what to do when he can see it with his eyes?

You need to keep pushing it back on to him - make him justify why it is that he can't see what needs doing. And if he won't step up, question what value he's actually bringing to your life because he honestly sounds like a twat.

There is no point in doing any of the drawing up lists of household tasks etc that have been suggested upthread, because this man is not a decent man. Look at how he behaved this morning when you were heading out to work and he couldn't even be arsed to get up and give his children their breakfast.

He doesn't care.

He doesn't view you as his equal.

Leave the bastard, seriously.

@mrsspensergregson i know, my friends have told me i should leave him and i've tried a couple of times previously but he'll tell me how much he loves me and cry and packs his bags and that throws me off guard and i feel like i'm overreacting. plus i would only do that when the kids aren't there and by that point there's not an active argument and i'm just the biggest people pleaser in the world. the thought of upsetting anyone upsets me massively.

@astressedoutmum1011 I get that, it is not easy - you must be in turmoil. It sounds as though he knows how to manipulate you very successfully.

Can any of your friends / family help you to leave?

@mrsspensergregson i was a teenager when i had my son and my family all made it clear that i was on my own. i get on with my parents well but they would never help me. i've and a couple of friends who are amazing but they're all still living with their parents and at uni as we're all early 20's. i wouldn't even know where to start

Ohforgod'ssake!

He hasn't got autism (on the basis of the OP's posts). Not all men are incapable of being a functioning partner in a relationship and seeing what needs doing at home.

He's a lazy arse and you're letting him get away with it. And being charming and funny and able to talk for hours doesn't make him a good partner or father.

Whose name is the house in? Rented or owned?

I'm really sorry, but unless you want to be an unpaid drudge for the rest of your life you need to address this now. (and stop doing anything for the lazy git)

Oh, and he doesn't love you.

Really, he doesn't.

I can see why writing a list of tasks that need done might be helpful, however I think I’d be tempted to ask him to write a list of what exactly he thinks he is bringing to this relationship and family. If you seriously have to lay out activities like play dough in the hope that he will actually do something with his children, something has gone horrendously wrong.
You don’t need him to “help” - he’s not a friendly neighbour you’re looking for a quick favour from FFS. You and your children need him to damn well do his share. Please try to absorb as much of this message from PPs into your poor exhausted brain as you can. He’s a manipulative bastard by the sounds of things, and will no doubt make out that we are a bunch of man-hating witches for suggesting he should be wiping his own arse. He’s treating you like a malfunctioning domestic appliance tbh.
I’ve had a touch of this with my DH but I laid it on the line early on that I have ZERO interest in becoming a nag or a skivvy and would leave him if he ever turned me into one of those things. I have gone on occasional strike (what do you mean you have no clean pants darling? Did you wash them? No? Well that’s why you have no clean pants 🤷‍♀️) when things have slipped but overall we operate as a team and try to be kind to each other always.
You deserve a partner who will have your back, be kind to you and loving to your children. That’s what it boils down to. Can he change that much?

So he slammed the door because he had to make breakfast his his own children. How lovely.

Can you see how ridiculous that is? I’m sure your friends wonder why you’re with him. Of course he turns on the tears when you threaten to leave, his happy little world where he gets to do nothing is being threatened. He knows exactly how to placate you. This morning you’ve threatened the status quo and he doesn’t like it. Don’t apologise OP for him being made to do some parenting.

@GoGoGoGoGo I know, since I've written all of this down I feel like I've realised a LOT of red flags that I've previously overlooked. I feel like I've been made to think this kind of behaviour is acceptable but now I know that's it's not

Is he a lot older than you? It seems you have been moulded into this "perfect 1950's wife" where you consider all domestic chores are your responsibility which is why you use the word "help" a lot.

Did he live alone before you moved in together or with his parents?

Does he realise that if you were to separate he would be doing all the housework at his own place plus the children too?

I have been married for 20 years and a SAHM for almost 15. At no time have I ever experienced what you have. Dh is a full hands on Dad, he couldn't wait to feed Ds1 his first bottle (I was breastfeeding) as it was the one thing he couldn't do for his son. The minute he walked through the door he would take Ds off me, chat away to him whilst making me a cup of tea giving me a lovely break. He also cooked meals.

That sentiment hasn't changed. He still treats me incredibly well, cooks, cleans down the kitchen after dinner every night, mucks in with homework, takes the boys to their sporting activity twice a week.

The whole "Men are inherently incapable of coping in many situations: early mornings; broken sleep; seeing mess/dirt; doing ALL of the dishes" is bullshit fed to women by the patriarchy we live in. It does a huge disservice to SAHDs and the fact that most men are functioning adults. It is just the few arseholes who give the rest of them a bad name.

Your OH's "tell me what to do" is just lumping the mental load onto you. I bet no-one has to tell him what to do at work do they? No because he doesn't get to opt out of work.

You need to sit down and talk about how you are both going to tackle this. The whole you making a meal before you go to work, WTF? Why can't he do it? He has all day just like you do during the week. Does he ever put the slow cooker on on a weekday? I bet he doesn't. You deserve better.

The phrase that hit home for me on here was ‘broken domestic appliance‘

Every time you try to get him to pull his weight (NOT Help, neighbours help out, adults living in the same house DONT help out) he treats you like a malfunctioning dishwasher. Gets cross, then if they doesn’t work, weeps and packs his bags.

He pulls the whole sobbing and ‘I wuv you babe‘ shit, not because it’s what he feels but because it works. It’s an act. To keep you in line.

@astressedoutmum1011 you say you don't know where to start to leave him. Start a thread on the Relationships board on here, the women on there are amazing at helping people get out of situations like yours. for you - unfortunately this isn't about the housework, as others have said he's just not a good partner. He doesn't see you as an equal, he thinks you're his servant, and he's not remotely bothered about your well-being.

I don't think he loves you, because you can't love someone and watch them suffer. Start making plans to leave him - you've your whole life ahead of you and you can have a nice life in time with someone who is a real true partner to you. And you say your parents wouldn't help - maybe they will be more receptive once they see the wool's been pulled from your eyes and that you are motivated to make a life for you and your babies independent from him?

Sorry you are going thru this. He is not your partner in this and actually he is turning you into his mum. Why should he change if you're doing everything for him - this relationship as it stands works really well for him so he will do everything he can to ensure that things don't change - hence why he shuts you down so readily.

When the children are this young, it's really hard work with lots of mundane tasks - cooking, cleaning, planning, prep, disjointed sleep and so on. To do this on your own is hard enough, but to do this on your own whilst the person that is meant to love you just watches you get more and more exhausted - well that's not right and it's not loving behaviour.

You have to see this for what it is - demand the change or kick him out. It will not get any better unless you are firm.

Men are inherently incapable of coping in many situations: early mornings; broken sleep; seeing mess/dirt; doing ALL of the dishes, I could go on but you see what I'm getting at.

No they're not. That's far too easy a cop-out for them, and I'm afraid these are the words of an enabler.

Laziness and downright lack of consideration isn't a gendered trait.

Let him do his own laundry etc to start with. When he has no clean shirts available for work he'll have no choice to put a wash through himself when you've made the message loud and clear that it's not going to be done by you. Then move on to the next thing.

Also, a simple request to load the dishwasher please, instead of just complaining you're tired and hoping he takes the hint, would probably be more effective.

It's always baffled me to hear that oft-trotted out phrase about women 'looking after' their husbands. Thankfully I have a DH who is baffled by it in equal measure; he can't believe it, for eg., when his female colleagues talk of doing holiday packing for their husbands. That just wouldn't happen in our house any more than I'd want him to pack for me: how on earth could he be expected to know what I want to wear? Children need to be looked after but grown men? Just no. They're more than capable of looking after themselves!

(((((hugs)))))) you sound amazing. You deserve much better. There's some really good advice here. X