to feel drained that my emotions get shut down by dp

[astressedoutmum1011]

I kind of just need an outlet here. i've been with my dp for 4 years and we have a 2 year old and one year old. as people we get on well and have lots in common like spending time together but i am utterly frustrated with feeling like my feelings are invalid and when i need support it is just not there.

he works mon-fri and i work saturday-sunday (looking for more conveniant work schedule but only option to pay the bills at the moment) and i do everything. monday to sunday i get up 5-6 with the kids do all of the night feeds, wash up every night, iron the clothes, take the kids out, cut the grass cook dinner. everything and he gets to lay in until he starts work and be waited on hand and foot. i feel guilty to ask him to help because he will accept but just give me a glare and i feel like i'm in the wrong for asking. i even have to do this when im working. i got up at 5am this morning, got the kids dressed, made there breakfast, went to work at 8.45 worked until 6.30 got home, made the kids dinner, washed up and cleaned the trashed kitchen from where he made the kids lunch and didnt wash up and put the kids to bed. i've told him every day that i am exhausted and he didnt offer to help once.

i told him that i was upset by this and just wanted to feel emotionally valued or even valued that i work hard and every time he will relay the same phrase of 'tell me what i can do to help and i'll do it' but in a really frustrating monotonous tone and it'll always be the exact sentence. or 'well there's nothing i can do now' and it's over. i feel like i can never say anything after that and it just goes back. i just sat sobbing in front of him just telling him that im sad and tired and he listened then told me his tea was getting cold, hugged me then walked downstairs and let me cry. he makes me feel like i'm wrong for wanting to have some support and makes me feel guilty and backtrack. i'm just exhausted and tomorrow he'll make me feel bad for tonight and i'll end up apologising and i know it's coming and i'm just exhausted

You sound amazing OP but your behaviour is the biggest problem here. He doesn't get to lay in until he starts work - you let him by allowing him not to help.

You are the one waiting on him hand and foot without it being reciprocated.

You said you feel guilty about asking him to help. It's not helping. It's doing his share. You know it's wrong for him not to do him share but all he does is glare at you and you let him shirk his responsibilities.

You said you told him every day you are exhausted but he didn't offer to help. You need to tell him he has to share the responsonity. You should not be waiting for him to offer. He is clearly not going to offer as he doesn't have a guilty conscience about you doing everything!

He's either a malicious dick or isn't malicious and doesn't pick up on social cues and lacks insight. Only you know the answer. But the jobs need to be divided 50/50. And its not going to magically just happen.

On the nicest way, you need to stop enabling him to not take responsibility. He doesn't get to lay in or be waited on hand and foot. You are letting this happen. You need to stop doing everything. Unless you are bf, none of these childcare/household tasks need to be exclusively done by you. Divide all tasks 50/50 whilst you are both in the house.

Urghh..a manchild,albiet wearing a good disguise'just tell me what to do'REALLY!!.you'd be suprised the amount of guys that will tolerate just about anything,i tried it all before figuring out men seldom leave-too lazy.Ive had to walk away from3 long term relationships
as once we'd moved in they gradually turned into lazy pathetic slobs.Been on my own since cutting off the last life-sucking tumour&wouldnt co-habit again..not worth the inevitabl hassle..

Honestly, why are you even bothering with him? Seriously, if you leave him, you’ll have less work to do as you won’t be doing any of his cooking/cleaning/laundry.

You’ll be happier, more relaxed AND setting a good example for your kids.

Men like this are complete dicks - you won’t change him. But you can change how it effects you (and your kids)

I have written a schedule of what needs doing in my house and garden and when it gets done, for example the downstairs is Hoovered on Monday and the upstairs, Tuesday, and so on. I have included washing, ironing and cutting the grass.

When my husband was made redundant I negotiated who was doing what. I don’t mind doing a bit more than him because I am a control freak, use housework as my exercise regime and have insanely high standards. But we more or less know what needs doing and do it. We get it all finished in the morning and have the afternoons for walks and so on. However, we do not have childcare now so that would have to be added if relevant.

I suggest you either negotiate your jobs together, or if he won’t, then you allocate the jobs and given him clear notice that this is his responsibility. The jobs have to be done on the day they are due too. No, ‘I’ll do it later.’

There always has to be a penalty for default and I suggest that his is that he leaves if he doesn’t not pull his weight. You would have less to do if he were not there.

What an absolute waste of space your partner is.

Tell him you’ve had enough and you’re not doing it anymore. Ask him what he’s going to do to start pulling his weight.

I can’t believe you don’t finish work until 6:30pm then have to come home and make the kids dinner. Surely they should be eating earlier than that?!

i really appreciate all of the lovely messages, it's nice to hear that i'm not being completely unreasonable and picking a fight for the hell of it which is what i feel when he doesn't react.
i think the idea of a third party is a really good idea which will maybe force him to think about things he tends not to. I'm only 22 and don't really have friends or family so don't really have that support to tell me what i can do to change. i think i'll just have to make him lists to do things around the house.

in regards to the late tea @user1480880826 i finish at about 6.20, get home at about 6.30 and have put something in the slow cooker in the morning and serve up straight away or if i put hot food out for their lunch then they'll have finger food for dinner. it's not ideal but it works x

Write out a rota with an equal division of tasks, so he has no excuse.

@astressedoutmum1011 so he won’t even serve them something that you have pre-prepared?! He sounds lazy beyond words.

“Men are inherently incapable of coping in many situations: ”

This is such bollocks.

He doesn't get to lay in until he starts work - you let him by allowing him not to help.

This

Sounds like you two have had a compressed/accelerated relationship. What was he like before you had children together? What's his relationship like with his family?

Honestly, your life sounds very, very difficult. I don't know what you're getting out of this relationship. Do you like him?

I really think you'd be better off alone - financially, emotionally, logistically.

He's dead weight.

@astheworldturns yes you're right things did move rather quickly and we were actually long distance until ds1 was born. it's difficult because he is phenomenally charming when i'm not trying to discuss my feelings. we have very similar senses of humour and can talk for hours and generally have a great time. so i guess i just settle but it's when i'm having a hard time that's when he switches off emotionally x

Men are inherently incapable of coping in many situations: early mornings; broken sleep; seeing mess/dirt; doing ALL of the dishes

Absolute bullshit, this is down to strategic incompetence, incapable my arse.

I completely agree with @Graphista especially re. "Lazy sullen teen"

I used to have one of these OP, he would routinely watch me run myself into the ground whilst he sat scratching his arse, and for the same reason as yours - because he was too selfish to care how it was affecting me, and simply didn't want to do it.

Draw up a rota and ffs stop apologising..
He needs to either make himself useful or fuck off!!

I've been through this with 'D' H and am starting to come out the other side. Couples counselling is a must - DH has admitted that it forced him to sit and listen, and start to reflect. I also found using the phrase 'really unsexy' helped. Shockingly I wasnt jumping his bones looking after DD (under 1), working and doing all the house stuff/organising, so putting it back on him and saying wow it's really unsexy to walk back in to a shit hole or to be treated like your mum! I also read 'why does he do that' which help name and understand the behaviours. Next, start making life less comfortable for him. Where is the incentive to change if you run around doing everything. Cook some quick meals he doesn't like that much or just dont cook at all (having sorted the kids of course). Stop doing all the washing and organising, and moan more when things get missed rather than just doing it. It's been a tough few months but it's really working.

Men are inherently incapable of coping in many situations: early mornings; broken sleep; seeing mess/dirt; doing ALL of the dishes, I could go on but you see what I'm getting at.

Who believes this shit?

My DH cleans, does the laundry, shared night feeds even if I was on maternity leave, takes time off to look after sick kids. He also supervised homework and does half of bathtimes and bedtimes for the kids.

He does ALL the cooking and does half the school runs and CM drop offs.

The fact some women will put up with disgraceful laziness is not proof men can’t cope.

This attitude is fucking depressing. The idea a serious conversation about how you feel can just be dismissed is unfathomable.

If you separated he would probably have the children when he currently does and you’d have them the rest of the week. Your workload would reduce a little (not going his laundry and tidying etc) and his would shoot up.

I would find out what universal credit you’d get if he moved out. You can also calculate child maintenance.

How did he cope before you moved in? What are his parents like?

One PP mentioned not picking up on social cues and having past experience of a long term partner with HFA it was one of the first things I thought it could be.

Obviously I'm not leaping to 'diagnose' your partner OP - he could well be just a selfish, ignorant c**t. But also the "my dinner is getting cold" did strike a familiar chord.

In my situation I wrote him a list of all the things I wanted him to do while I was working and they were all done & done well without resentment. In my opinion having HFA and being in a relationship is not an excuse to be a man child at home - it means he needs to try harder to maintain a relationship - even if i have to write down what he needs to try harder at!

Men are inherently incapable of coping in many situations

True in some cases, unfortunately, But because they are selfish bastards who only care about themselves and are too selfish to bother making sure the DCs are fed healthily, brought up well, get off their games, don't eat crap, brush their teeth, do their schoolwork etc etc etc thereby hugely adding to the DM's load.

@notwiththeseknees sorry i don't actually know what HFA is?x

High Functioning Autism

I read a really helpful book about the brain differences in women and men. Men's brains are generally more systematic, so when many of them say "Tell me what you want me to do" they genuinely want to create a "system" for how things work in your house.

Unfortunately, giving them a list means the creation of the system is down to you. Sitting down and talking together about what "system" you use can be helpful. Say things like "here is a list of everything I do in the week. Here are things I can't get to or that need checking each day. Which ones are you going to take on?" I found an app with common household tasks and how often they need doing, and my husband gets a very weird amount of satisfaction ticking that he has done them, whereas I just enjoy the clean tidy house.

This isn't because he is a misogynist jerkface, he just doesn't prioritise the same things I do. I want all the toys put away every day, but he sees bike chains being oiled as something that needs doing urgently, when it really isn't.

The only way to correct things would be to ask him to leave and start again with new expectations. It will be ner impossible to change things whole you're still in this situation.

Men dont need special working out, or special language, or effort out into explaining!!!

OP has done everything she can. He has resisted and treated her cruelly, causing her distress and exhaustion.

She is not enabling him. Shes being reasonable and human and questionning his diffidence and upset by his reaction, thats not enabling

This is not on her,this is totally him.

Hes a bloody adult with responsibilities that is using manipulation to avoid responsibility.

Its classic mysogyny. Im sure there are times he is lovely to you, Being a couple isnt about that though is it. Its about being fair to each other and so many other things, and yours is missing all that other. Everyone can be nice sometimes, its the rest of the time that matters.

Its like staying in a job only for the holiday!

Hes no good at his job. He is not a partner, and its not your job to make him into something else, or your fault that you work hard on the domestic front and he doesnt. You want the best for you and your dc, he's not arsed. His values are very different to yours!

@Confrontayshunme
Would you mind sharing the details of that app?