Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At in laws want to get out of here

128 replies

flappi · 10/08/2019 19:46

I know they don’t like me . Been here for about 4 hours . Feels like forever. Wish I didn’t have to be here .

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 10/08/2019 21:58

OP - make the call in a few weeks to your in laws and ask them what date suits for a visit... when they offer the date, say “ooh I don’t think I can make it then, but that’s okay, I’ll send DP and DC up without me, that’ll be fine”
Then, when your DP refuses, tell him he’ll have to call and rearrange (but don’t tell him you’ve told in-laws you already can’t go) - that way, the in-laws will figure it out that it’s their son who doesn’t want to visit them and needs you to be there. It might change their views about you and they might start treating you better OR they might stop inviting you altogether.

Original poster
flappi · 10/08/2019 22:03

Oh I won’t call them . Ever . Unless it’s really important . I used to .

It’s because they send me messages telling me to get my partner to call them . Like it’s my fault he hasn’t rang them. Then I have to tell him they are texting me . But I’ve stopped answering their messages as they seem to insinuate that it’s somehow my fault . And I have absolutely no idea that he hasn’t contacted them for x weeks .

OP posts:
allthegins · 10/08/2019 22:06

Do you ever visit your parents?

Original poster
flappi · 10/08/2019 22:07

Yes .

OP posts:
Sicario · 10/08/2019 22:09

"My partner won't go and see them without me."

I bloody hate this. It REALLY pisses me off. I went rogue eventually and refused. He went without me and he didn't die. Amazing.

thecatinthetwat · 10/08/2019 22:09

Op, it’s just for you to say no. That’s it. No.

People don’t like hearing no, but sometimes you have to say it anyway.

It’s actually all up to you, it really is.

Sicario · 10/08/2019 22:12

And now whenever he has to go and visit he gets the old, "oh I don't suppose we'll be seeing Sicario will we (because she's a bad wife and it's her fault that we don't see more of you)".

I couldn't give a flying fuck. I have my own oldies to visit and that's no tea party either.

NoSauce · 10/08/2019 22:16

Why won’t he go without you?

Dangerfloof · 10/08/2019 22:17

It’s because they send me messages telling me to get my partner to call them
Block their numbers, if they figure it out just tell em you changed phones/numbers and forgot to let them know.
I have spent 13 years not giving my number to my inlaws.
"Oh yes ask me later "
"Oh I just changed numbers, not memorised it yet"
"Sure next time i visit"
"about to change my sim, will text you when I do"
"Oh I dont remember my number and battery is flat"
Etc etc

Original poster
flappi · 10/08/2019 22:21

I have no idea why he won’t go without me . He says he doesn’t want to .

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 10/08/2019 22:24

That’s the thing OP - you need to make them realise that their darling-can-do-no-wrong-son is ignoring them. When they text, text them back “I’ve passed on the message” and they’ll have to start realising it’s him not you.
Also, I would try as I’ve suggested but via text when they next text you... I’ve been there - relationship with my in-laws is totally different now. They used to think (MiL) that I orchestrated everything my way and that I would make decisions re. seeing them until I dropped my DH in it and she found out it was all him! They all needed a kick up the arse and it worked!

NoSauce · 10/08/2019 22:24

Yes but why?

Surely you’ve asked him?

Original poster
flappi · 10/08/2019 22:26

I’ve tried to ask him. He just says he doesn’t want to go if I’m not going !

OP posts:
NoSauce · 10/08/2019 22:28

Well you just say I’m not going this time then. He will either go or not go.

How old is DD OP?

Original poster
flappi · 10/08/2019 22:28

I’m not sure if that’s really it ... though I don’t seem him 12-14 hours a day in the weekdays due to his work which also means he only just about sees his daughter in her waking hours in the week . He travels a lot in his job too . I think he’s tired of the pressure to drive there in the weekends and wants to just chill at home with our daughter. Plus I think his parents are always moaning ... must be irritating for him ?

OP posts:
Original poster
flappi · 10/08/2019 22:28

She’s two

OP posts:
demureandgraceful · 10/08/2019 22:38

Is he an only child? just asking because I am and I know the relationship between me and my parents could be somewhat focused and intense on their part... Especially my mother so I do prefer to have DP there as a buffer. Also my mum has no filter when it's just me so I sometimes dread the one on one time if we have any

summersherewishiwasnt · 10/08/2019 22:40

Yabu to be on your phone in family situations.
Yabu to not address this issue with your dh.
He may say he won’t go without you. However you won’t ever know this unless you actually refuse to go one day. He wants to present happy family union and thinks he can’t do that without you beside him. He can though, he can simple say that you enjoying a relaxing few hours to yourself.

Original poster
flappi · 10/08/2019 22:44

demureandgraceful

Yes he’s an only child .

It feels like they have to know everything !!!

Yes I think their relationship has been a bit intense . It seems , sometimes as though they both get together and bully him when they don’t get what they want from him .

OP posts:
demureandgraceful · 10/08/2019 22:49

I can understand him not wanting to go on his own then. My mum is getting better but I do still need to set clear rules and once she falls into her old pattern I don't engage.

In your shoes I would set up visits where there is a time limit and stick to it.

takesnoshitfromanyone · 10/08/2019 22:50

your a adult if you dont want to be there then dont be,i understand if your stuck there now but if you didnt like them them you shouldn't have gone at all

next time say no im not coming

Original poster
flappi · 10/08/2019 23:03

Yes I think the advice u all offer is sound . Thanks for the help tonight mumsnetters x

OP posts:
MamaGee09 · 10/08/2019 23:13

Can they not visit you sometimes? A 6 hr round trip on the one day is a nightmare, I certainly wouldn’t be visiting anyone who didn’t make me feel comfortable in their home, could you not meet half way in the future at a restaurant or a coffee shop or even a park with a picnic would save the journey time and it would be at a neutral place.

They obviously aren’t that old if their parents are still alive.

Original poster
flappi · 10/08/2019 23:17

Yea they aren’t that old but they are very demanding .

OP posts:
Original poster
flappi · 10/08/2019 23:18

Hi they used to expect us to go there every 2-3 weeks even when I was 8 months pregnant . That time we were doing aroubd 3 hour round journeys as we lived closer . It was horrible .

OP posts: