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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening break up cus I want a job?

84 replies

Cinders29 · 10/08/2019 10:31

Sorry rubbish title...

So long story short, I'm a special needs mum. My life revolves around caring for him, I've sacrificed a lot in my life - which I'm not complaining about, I'm happy to , for my son.

However, my anxiety ( which hasn't been too bad the last couple of years ) has got really bad recently. I've been to a counsellor who feels my world is very small and suggested trying to do more for myself and where I can.

My husband is a great man, he has his priorities in order. Puts us first and is a great dad. He does suffer paranoia and is extremely insecure though. He's happy for me to go and do as the counsellor suggested but kinda on his terms. Where's he's comfortable I go etc.

I suggested ( which if I'm being honest knew would go down like a sack of shit ) maybe I get a little bar job, I actually run my own business as does he so we don't need the money , but I work from home ( I did this purposely so that I could be there for my son as and when he needed me to be ) but it's very lonely, and I like the idea of being able to talk and meet lots of new people and just have a laugh for a few hours a week.

Anyway, he said 'he doesn't want his wife working in a bar' because men will letch, make comments. It kinda blew up, because honestly I'm sick of this. I feel as though I should be able to do what I like when I like - within reason and so lots of other things came up.

Instead of a having a conversation with me and working it out, he's woke up this morning and said he's going to look for somewhere else to live today as I obviously do not want to be with him. I didn't confirm or deny, I can't be fucked and I just feel he's being immature.

So AIBU to have mentioned about the bar job ? Is his point valid ? Should I be more considerate to his MH issues ?

OP posts:
JemimaPuddlePeacock · 10/08/2019 10:37

What’s he doing about his own ‘MH issues’/jealousy and paranoia? You’re going to counselling, what’s he doing other than expecting you to diminish yourself and your life to avoid triggering his irrational emotions?

MissMogwai · 10/08/2019 10:39

YANBU.

He sounds very controlling and he's emotionally blackmailing you by threatening to leave.

He thinks he wins in both scenarios, (a) if he leaves you can't do the job and (b) if you back down and he stays you still can't do the job.

Do you want to stay in the marriage? It sounds stifling and unhealthy. He doesn't get to 'allow' you to see a counsellor or work or whatever you want. He doesn't own you.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/08/2019 10:39

Has he been diagnosed with any mental health issues? Does he paranoia extend to other things eg friends and work or is it just about you and other men? From what you've said on the face of it he is just jealous and insecure and controlling and justifying it by saying it's his mental health to stop you questioning it. Of course I dont know he full story so could be wrong. Threatening to leave over something so minor is also very manipulative. How can anyone get from 'I want to work in a bar a couple of nights a week to get out the house' to 'I dont want to be with my husband'

Would he be happy with any other type of work in the evening?

SurrogacyDilemma · 10/08/2019 10:42

YANBU! He sounds like a dick tbh.

However, with the lonely issue (something I suffered with a lot when WFH), could you see if there are any co-working spaces you could rent a desk at once a week or so? There’s a few things like this in my town and they’re full of WFH parents who use it as a chance to socialise and not feel so isolated. Alternatively, networking meetings etc. Even if you’re not out there to sell, it’s great to meet fellow business owners.

Apolloanddaphne · 10/08/2019 10:43

I agree that he is being controlling and emotionally blackmailing you so he can get his own way.

I know my response would be to tell him in no uncertain terms he was being a dick but to crack on and leave if that is how he feels. I would not want to be with someone who treated me like that.

Soubriquet · 10/08/2019 10:44

You are not responsible for his mental health issues

He seriously needs to seek help as this is not concerns, it’s jealousy, controlling and now emotional black mail

Divebar · 10/08/2019 10:46

The OP doesn’t sound like she wants to run her own business.... she sounds like she fancies a job in a bar ( low stress & responsibility.... I can see the appeal). He’s being a manipulative arse.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/08/2019 10:46

My husband is a great man, he has his priorities in order. Puts us first and is a great dad. He does suffer paranoia and is extremely insecure though. He's happy for me to go and do as the counsellor suggested but kinda on his terms. Where's he's comfortable I go etc.

Thats not a great man. That's a very controlling man who is 'great' so long as you abide by his rules of what is acceptable.

If he wants to leave, let him.

OoohMasala · 10/08/2019 10:48

He sounds controlling, jealous and abusive. Other men may well letch over you, but so what. That's life. You deal with it and if you're here a living trustworthy partner, what's he got to worry about? I would run an absolute mile from this man knowing what I know now (been there, done that)

OoohMasala · 10/08/2019 10:49

*if you are a living trustworthy partner. Sorry, phone issues!

OoohMasala · 10/08/2019 10:50

*loving!! (Don't get a Huawei 😅)

jesuschristwtf · 10/08/2019 10:52

CAll his bluff - let him go. What a manipulative man. And if he hasn’t gone to look at places - ask him why he hasn’t gone yet, as he said he was going to? Angry

Thehop · 10/08/2019 10:56

Let him go.

You’re in counselling, what’s he doing about his issues?

He’s a controlling wanker.

ineedaholidaynow · 10/08/2019 10:58

Divebar the OP does run her own business, but from home so doesn't get to see anyone.

I too would let him go. sound's awful.

couchparsnip · 10/08/2019 10:58

I actually run my own business as does he so we don't need the money

not sure why people are saying you sound like you don't want to run your own business when you already do!

Anyway. He doesn't sound great at all. I agree that you should let him leave and call his bluff. He needs to know he can't control you like this.

ChicCroissant · 10/08/2019 10:58

Hand him the bin bags to start packing and watch him backtrack, OP. But seriously, threats are no way to live your life. This is not good for anyone involved.

couchparsnip · 10/08/2019 10:58

Sorry bold fail!

Original poster
Cinders29 · 10/08/2019 10:59

Ok - thank you everyone as feeling as though I'm going a bit mad at the minute. I've been feeling crap about our relationship for a little while, and I've not been sure if it's cus I've been been down generally or what.

He never been diagnosed with anything. Hhmmm I dunno if it extends or not, at first I thought he did ( he's very opinionated on people and gets very angry about people when it really doesn't affect him. ) but the more I think about it, he does it when he thinks I'll be bothered so for example, if my friends split up he'll really go on about how she's this and that but I think he's just doing that so I don't get any ideas - if that makes sense. Or if someone is good looking - they're obviously a dickhead.

I have a feeling at the end of all this, he'll be like just do the job , do whatever you want but I'll feel bad cus I know it will make him feel bad and won't end up doing it but like is him saying it's ok , enough? Reading your comments should I seriously be considering doing it all on my own. I dunno if I could tbh

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 10/08/2019 10:59

I understand what he means re the bar job. Some men seem to think that bar staff are there for them to chat up, I had multiple waitressing/bar jobs as a student! Are you stuck on bar work or would a retail job work too?

Your dh needs to work on his issues, which have nothing to do with you and are not your problem/fault.

Original poster
Cinders29 · 10/08/2019 11:01

Oh also he doesn't do anything about his jealousy - just says that's who he is. Starts crying, says all his relationships have ended because of it - I think I'm starting to see this is just manipulation 🙈😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinders29 · 10/08/2019 11:06

I'd be open to other jobs yeah, I'm just wary of certain jobs because of my anxiety. I dunno if I would be comfortable behind a till, I think I'd feel trapped - and I know it's the same behind the bar but you're moving more, and there's more distraction. Maybe cus I've done bar work before and not retail I feel more comfortable about it, I dunno.

I did actually set up my own networking event - but my anxiety got so bad , my friend now runs it and I go along as and when I can.. it's shit, I'm such a sociable person. I want to get that back.

Maybe anxiety wouldn't cope with the bar job.... sorry digressing !

OP posts:
dizzy174 · 10/08/2019 11:10

Starts crying, says all his relationships have ended because of it.

says it all really doesn't it.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 10/08/2019 11:10

He's wallowing in self pity whilst doing nothing about it. Don't let him control and manipulate you any longer. Do what makes you happy or he'll drag you down with him.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/08/2019 11:14

I think from everything you've said your partner is exacerbating your anxiety and you'd be better off without him.
So what if men letch? Doesn't mean you'd be interested does it.
Just pathetic.
I wouldn't 'let him leave', I'd be showing him the door!

Tracklements · 10/08/2019 11:16

If he's saying that his jealousy is 'who he is', and that other relationships have ended because of it, then perhaps he needs to look long and hard at 'who he is' and do something to change that.

He can't expect his paranoia to rule other people's lives.

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