Threatening break up cus I want a job?

[Cinders29]

Sorry rubbish title...

So long story short, I'm a special needs mum. My life revolves around caring for him, I've sacrificed a lot in my life - which I'm not complaining about, I'm happy to , for my son.

However, my anxiety ( which hasn't been too bad the last couple of years ) has got really bad recently. I've been to a counsellor who feels my world is very small and suggested trying to do more for myself and where I can.

My husband is a great man, he has his priorities in order. Puts us first and is a great dad. He does suffer paranoia and is extremely insecure though. He's happy for me to go and do as the counsellor suggested but kinda on his terms. Where's he's comfortable I go etc.

I suggested ( which if I'm being honest knew would go down like a sack of shit ) maybe I get a little bar job, I actually run my own business as does he so we don't need the money , but I work from home ( I did this purposely so that I could be there for my son as and when he needed me to be ) but it's very lonely, and I like the idea of being able to talk and meet lots of new people and just have a laugh for a few hours a week.

Anyway, he said 'he doesn't want his wife working in a bar' because men will letch, make comments. It kinda blew up, because honestly I'm sick of this. I feel as though I should be able to do what I like when I like - within reason and so lots of other things came up.

Instead of a having a conversation with me and working it out, he's woke up this morning and said he's going to look for somewhere else to live today as I obviously do not want to be with him. I didn't confirm or deny, I can't be fucked and I just feel he's being immature.

So AIBU to have mentioned about the bar job ? Is his point valid ? Should I be more considerate to his MH issues ?

He’s not a great man, or a great dad. He’s a controlling arse. Does he treat anyone else like this? Does he behave like this at work? Do his “mental health” issues manifest themselves elsewhere, or only when it comes to telling you what to do?

Basically you are his property. The whole “my wife” shit is a label he’s put on you, and he’s terrified that if you get out there and do new things and meet new people that you will realise what a twat he is.

You should be able to get whatever job you want.
He needs help with his MH.
None of this is you being unreasonable.

I did plenty of bar jobs when I was a student a few years ago and customers do letch, your DH isn’t wrong. It wasn’t a very pleasant workplace at all. The social aspect is more with colleagues than customers. I found many male customers (the drunker they got the worse it got) just wanted to offer you their number, tell you how hot you are etc. Not exactly sociable hours either since they usually want you to work Friday and Saturday night.

I worked in hipster type bars in Leeds but also a pub with older clientele. The older guys were just as bad as the younger ones and some women weren’t great with the male staff either. My best friend had his arse grabbed and someone even lunged across the bar to try grabbing his dick once... The bars had good security but I did witness one of my colleagues being glassed one night which was just horrendous.

I don’t think my skin is thick enough to brave a job like that now I’m older!

I also think your anxiety would get an awful lot better if you weren't worrying about placating your jealous, controlling OH.

So all his relationships ended because of his 'jealousy' - and he doesn't see the common denominator and hasn't got any help for it? What made him think your relationship with him would be different? Oh yes, he won't actually let you do anything that might make him jealous.

How can you seriously believe this idiot is a "great man"?

Talk about setting your bar low. He's a dag!*

Please contact Womens Aid. His reactions are NOT normal and are certainly not indicative of his mental health status.

*To those who didn't grow up in the 80s, that's the bit of shit that dangles off a sheep's arse and gets stuck to their wool.

I'd be pushing for him to get counselling. He's pushing you away with his desperate tactics to keep you. He needs to realise you are an equsl player in this partnership & not just there to meet his needs and appease his concerns. Maybe couples therapy?

8My husband is a great man, he has his priorities in order. Puts us first and is a great dad*
Yeah, I'm struggling to see this. He sounds like a controlling and manipulative man.

He hasn’t got ‘mental health issues’ he’s just a controlling idiot. Also, not all bars are like that with letching customers, you are always going to be open to it, and it does happen occasionally, but not every bar is that bad. I’ve worked in some terrible ones and some more local pubs were it just doesn’t happen (apart from the occasional pub crawl muppet who soon leaves again). It can be a nice working environment if you get the right place. Ignore him being a big baby, do what you need to do for you and if he loves you he will go along with it after his initial sulk. Sounds like you’d be better off without him though from what you’ve said here.

I'm such a sociable person. I want to get that back.

Make sure you do, OP.
Your DH is manipulating you. He has either some MH issues, or some kind of personality disorder going on, but a diagnosis is not important - what is important is his behaviour.

Your comment above is concerning - is he isolating you?
You know that is one of the classic signs of a controlling personality, don't you?
He's not a "great man" by the way. He is a manipulative, angry, jealous man who is looking to limit & contain his wife. He clearly doesn't give a shit how that affects your anxiety & own MH - just so long as he gets to keep an eye on you & make sure you stay in the place he has allotted to you.
And yet his own MH/personality issues are "just the way he is" & you have to accept them? Bullshit. Why is he not having counselling for his unfortunate jealously, temper, & insecurity?

Whatever you do OP, please continue with your OWN counselling, & urge him to get some for himself - but DO NOT do couples counselling. It is absolutely the worst thing you could do right now (the controlling partner will weaponise everything he learns within the session & use it against his partner).

Right now, you should be enjoying the pleasureable anticipation of planning what you are going to do as a job/hobby/volunteer role outside the home. This is vital for your MH & also for your continued happy supportive relationship with your son. Your DH does not get to dictate what you can do, he does not get to put a downer on your excitement about what you might choose to do, & he does not get to spoil it all for you by sulking & crying.

If he tries to - call his bluff & let him go.
After all, he's said it himself. His jealously & paranoia ruined all his previous relationships. It's up to him if he wants it to finish yours.

No one bothered me when I worked behind a bar. It was when I was when I was a customer that I got hassled. It helps if you work in a pub with a decent proportion of female customers. A lot of men want a sympathetic ear or a bit of genuinely light flirtation rather than to sexually harass you.

But that's by the by. What concerns me is your DH. There's no way that he's not being seriously controlling. He's so jealous that he's threatening to leave you over getting a fucking job! That's totally unreasonable and it'll be very bad for you - and your marriage - if you allow him to bully you like this. I think a deep and meaningful conversation is in order, where you set out your boundaries and tell him that he can't dictate things as basic as this.

I suspect if the relationship ended, and you weren't having to walk on eggshells any more, you may find that your anxiety improved massively!!

He sounds too controlling...
In your position I would take the job but start looking into life beyond this arsehole. He's not going to like it that you defy him so he will probably ramp up the bad behaviour - so you need to think long term about how to make a go of things without him.
Firstly I would pick a bar that has a good day time crowd - for coffees and lunches because at some point he will probably stop agreeing to do the childcare at night. That way you might be able to switch to daytime shifts that a childminder/nursery/school will be able to cover. This may take a while as I guess your child might need a specialised setting - start finding out what could be accessed, and in what locations...
Start understanding the financial position - what would it mean without him, what benefits/credits would you get - how are they affected if you are just running your own business versus also working outside. That way you can plan and prepare.
Because he sounds like a controlling arse and even if you are not ready to leave him right now, that day will come soon enough...

Cinders29 Its not you thats the problem, have a look at these resources;

The Freedom Programme
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

freedomprogramme.co.uk/graphic.php

Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

You sound like you might be ready for the Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Competent therapists won't undertake joint counselling where one partner is engaging in controlling behaviour like this. It's dangerous.

OP, you are doing such a tough job looking after your son.

You need to keep yourself well.
You need to help yourself.
You need to put yourself ahead of your husband's feelings.

If something were to happen to you, who would look after your son as well as you do?
This is critical to your thinking.

Your husband is a controlling, manipulative dick.
Let him leave
I bet he won't either.
He just wants to control you.
I bet he has for a long time.

Put your needs first.
This will benefit your son.

How is he a great partner? He is paranoid, controlling and thinks he can govern you. Sorry but no man is going to dictate to me what I do ever. I'm a grown woman and can make my own choices.
You decided to do something and he is threatening to leave you because he doesn't like it. No discussion. No compromise.
He is probably "great" ad long as you are doing as you are told.
You need to tell him that his behaviour is intolerable and if he doesn't get help then you are happy for him to leave.

Oh, and you may find he changes tack about leaving when you don't start begging him to stay or promising not to get a job.

It's transparently manipulative on his part. If this approach doesn't work he'll try another. Might be tears, might be "but I love you so much I just want to keep you safe"... Lots of possibilities.

It sounds like your anxiety would improve greatly without him there. He admits this has ruined every relationship he has had, so ask him to see a counsellor. If not I'd let him leave, you'll be much better off emotionally

Ok his comments and reasons were wrong but I can understand why he would not be comfortable with you working in a bar, and if you don't need the money it seems an odd choice, there's other work and projects you could get involved in

I forgot to add that trying to dictate what you can do and where you can work are classic signs of a controller. Does he make it tricky to see your friends and family too? Perhaps you could look up controlling relationships and read up a little?

Oh, and there's nothing wrong with your thread title. It's beautifully clear.

Why does it have to be a bar job? Get a job at the grocery store or something. I wouldn't want my significant other working at a bar either.

That level of control is pretty abusive. I wonder if your anxiety would improve if you weren’t so tethered to someone else’s very restrictive view of what is acceptable?

He is being a dick but why work in a bar if you dont need the money?
If it’s about getting out and meeting people find hobby instead and leave the bar work for someone who does actually need it

He's trying to control you. Tell him to go ahead and that you'll help with his packing.

I can understand why he would not be comfortable with you working in a bar, and if you don't need the money it seems an odd choice, there's other work and projects you could get involved in.

But that's what she fancies. And it's a great job for getting out and being sociable. A local pub is a social hub. I had a lot of fun working in pubs.

So do you agree with her DH, stucknoue? That he has the right to object to her work? Because I can't see he has any right to decide on her choices. She's not planning to become a lap dancer.