Threatening break up cus I want a job?

[Cinders29]

Sorry rubbish title...

So long story short, I'm a special needs mum. My life revolves around caring for him, I've sacrificed a lot in my life - which I'm not complaining about, I'm happy to , for my son.

However, my anxiety ( which hasn't been too bad the last couple of years ) has got really bad recently. I've been to a counsellor who feels my world is very small and suggested trying to do more for myself and where I can.

My husband is a great man, he has his priorities in order. Puts us first and is a great dad. He does suffer paranoia and is extremely insecure though. He's happy for me to go and do as the counsellor suggested but kinda on his terms. Where's he's comfortable I go etc.

I suggested ( which if I'm being honest knew would go down like a sack of shit ) maybe I get a little bar job, I actually run my own business as does he so we don't need the money , but I work from home ( I did this purposely so that I could be there for my son as and when he needed me to be ) but it's very lonely, and I like the idea of being able to talk and meet lots of new people and just have a laugh for a few hours a week.

Anyway, he said 'he doesn't want his wife working in a bar' because men will letch, make comments. It kinda blew up, because honestly I'm sick of this. I feel as though I should be able to do what I like when I like - within reason and so lots of other things came up.

Instead of a having a conversation with me and working it out, he's woke up this morning and said he's going to look for somewhere else to live today as I obviously do not want to be with him. I didn't confirm or deny, I can't be fucked and I just feel he's being immature.

So AIBU to have mentioned about the bar job ? Is his point valid ? Should I be more considerate to his MH issues ?

All good points - hasn't quite seen some of it like that.

He's just returned home, we spoke and it started as 'what do you wanna do? You obviously don't want to be with me'

He said that my anxiety makes his problem worse. So because I have been a bit 'off' due to anxiety and panic attacks it makes him insecure and feel unloved and that then ramps up his jealousy when I mentioned things like the pub. I told him that whilst I'm sure there true, it actually isn't my fault I have anxiety and I'm trying to get help and that actually I feel like saying things like that is emotional abuse. He said he's too thick to emotionally abuse someone and he's loves me to much to want to control me. He says I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and that I always see my friends ( I do see them regularly although half of the time it's in couples, but that's fine ) I reminded of him saying about the pub and other scenarios and said that isn't letting me do what I want.

I said the only way forward is he gets counselling or we divorce. At first he was reluctant, says it won't help , waste of time , says actually he thinks I'm emotionally abusing him trying to make out he's a monster ( give me strength !!! )

We went round in circles but once he realised I wasn't backing down he said he would go to see one and he'll do anything, and so I suppose we will see if he does.

Well done you for standing your ground!

Now go get that job...

Good for you. Stick to your guns. He may try to backtrack so be prepared.

Re isolating from family and friends. Not sure on this. Again, it boils down to who he's happy with. So I don't see a lot of my old male friends anymore. He's made it difficult. But my main group of girl friends and a couple male friends he's no issue with me meeting up with , having a relationship with. Re family... again, he doesn't isolate me but they live away but then when they do visit, he'll moan like fuck about it.

This is pretty textbook isolation. He’s doing it in stages. As time goes on he’ll have more and more issues with your current “acceptable” friends.

Take a good hard look.

The fact you think most men would have left by now is shocking. Is this also something he tells you to keep you small?

He said he's too thick to emotionally abuse someone and he's loves me to much to want to control me.

And this is how he controls you.

This actually makes me feel ill.

Oh god OP he sounds so manipulative and controlling, sending you lots of solidarity and support

OP, he is absolutely controlling and manipulative.

Focus on getting that job and making your life better for you.

I don't believe he's finished trying to control you by a long shot.

Stick to you guns👍

wow, I'd say walking on egg shells around him is the source of your anxiety.

I diagnose you with having a bad relationship.

I think you should tune in to yourself and think about you could bring in to your life and then try and construct that life. If he walks, he walks. So much the better I'd say.

You say he's ''great'' but if you split up will he take 50% of the responsibility for your son? If you know the answer is not ''yes of course'' then he is not a great man, not at all.

He does sound very controlling (which goes with the paranoia). But that's his problem. You can't put your life on hold just because he doesn't like you working outside the house. His response of threatening to leave is very extreme. I can't help thinking that maybe this is the best solution.

Having said that, can you find something else that gets you out of the house e.g. co-working space, a hobby, etc.? At least in the short term, so you can decide what you want to do long term.