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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Threatening break up cus I want a job?

84 replies

Cinders29 · 10/08/2019 10:31

Sorry rubbish title...

So long story short, I'm a special needs mum. My life revolves around caring for him, I've sacrificed a lot in my life - which I'm not complaining about, I'm happy to , for my son.

However, my anxiety ( which hasn't been too bad the last couple of years ) has got really bad recently. I've been to a counsellor who feels my world is very small and suggested trying to do more for myself and where I can.

My husband is a great man, he has his priorities in order. Puts us first and is a great dad. He does suffer paranoia and is extremely insecure though. He's happy for me to go and do as the counsellor suggested but kinda on his terms. Where's he's comfortable I go etc.

I suggested ( which if I'm being honest knew would go down like a sack of shit ) maybe I get a little bar job, I actually run my own business as does he so we don't need the money , but I work from home ( I did this purposely so that I could be there for my son as and when he needed me to be ) but it's very lonely, and I like the idea of being able to talk and meet lots of new people and just have a laugh for a few hours a week.

Anyway, he said 'he doesn't want his wife working in a bar' because men will letch, make comments. It kinda blew up, because honestly I'm sick of this. I feel as though I should be able to do what I like when I like - within reason and so lots of other things came up.

Instead of a having a conversation with me and working it out, he's woke up this morning and said he's going to look for somewhere else to live today as I obviously do not want to be with him. I didn't confirm or deny, I can't be fucked and I just feel he's being immature.

So AIBU to have mentioned about the bar job ? Is his point valid ? Should I be more considerate to his MH issues ?

OP posts:

Whosorrynow · 10/08/2019 11:49

Hahahaha😂🤣
What a silly man he is🤣😂
does he not realise he is completely over playing his hand🤣😂
just call his bluff stand back and watch it's going to be entertaining🤣😂

FermatsTheorem · 10/08/2019 11:51

Frankly you're better off without any man who thinks he can dictate what job you do (or indeed whether you take one at all). Like PP says, call his bluff. "Okay then, don't let the door hit your arse on the way out." See what he does.

Cloudyapples · 10/08/2019 11:51

If you weren’t with him do you not think your anxiety would improve? He is causing you stress and anxiety - you’d probably flourish and be the sociable fun person you used to be if you just dumped this sack of shit.

C8H10N4O2 · 10/08/2019 11:52

I understand what he means re the bar job

Yes obviously the OP should comply with a man dictating what she is allowed to do workwise. Perhaps she should find a job in a nunnery so that she doesn't come into contact with any men at all.

The only reason for her not taking a bar job is because she doesn't want to.

Shoxfordian · 10/08/2019 11:55

He's a jealous controlling knob
Nothing good about him

notacooldad · 10/08/2019 11:57

Ok his comments and reasons were wrong but I can understand why he would not be comfortable with you working in a bar
Really? I think it's a case of picking your bar. With some town centre ones I wouldnt even walk through the door but there are plenty of great ones. You can pick busy nice bars or Enquirer ones where theres chance to natter to the locals.
As if you come across creepy men, you soon learn how to deal with them and how to tell them to do one. However I found having a 'I'm not taking your bullshit ' attitude goes a long way to them leaving you alone.
.

Horehound · 10/08/2019 11:59

He doesn't do anything about his jealousy because he turns on his manipulation, cries to you, you give in and boom..he gets his way again. He's never suffered consequences.

I'd definitely let him go and even if you're correct (which I believe you are) in that he will say fine, do the job, I would still stick with leaving him.
He's manipulative, controlling and yes people feel jealousy but they don't use it to manipulate.

Horehound · 10/08/2019 12:00

Oh and the fact he thinks people will leer at you behind a bar is probably because that's what he does.

There are good men out there and they don't do this!!!

Hecateh · 10/08/2019 12:01

If it's a job you're wanting and not necessarily bar work, why not look round for retail work. I recently got a job in a shoe shop. It's in a place with extended opening and staff all start on 8 hour contracts. Made up of 2 x 4 hour shifts a week. Can do 3 or 4 shifts a week if you want. I think with extended opening, lots of shops do these short shifts, it gives them more flexibility but would also suit you well.

I still think you need to sort out your relationship but also think maybe bar work is not best for someone with anxiety.

beagadorsrock · 10/08/2019 12:08

I had a jolt of recognition there. Pretty much everyone has told you the situation is not good. Unfortunately it sounds to me like you've realised it too. Your words suggest that you knew he wasn't going to like your suggestion, and you know he's jealous and paranoid etc.
Can you go it alone? That's your 64000 dollars question. Good luck.

notacooldad · 10/08/2019 12:09

All those that are suggesting other jobs are missing the point.
I main point of the post us that the DH is emotionally manipulating the OP and threatening to leave because of his own insecurities. This is worrying.
My guess is he would come up with a reason for her not to work in a shop, cafe or elsewhere if there was men around.

notacooldad · 10/08/2019 12:12

I still think you need to sort out your relationship but also think maybe bar work is not best for someone with anxiety
I suspect the Dp is a huge part of the cause if anxiety and once the OP starts socialising and talking to other people she will gain confidence and possibly shread a lit if the anxiety.
Thay is not to minimise the condition but your environment and relationship can escalate this condition.

Bourbonbiccy · 10/08/2019 12:23

IT sounds like he is banking on you feeling bad and not pursuing the job.

No one has the right to dictate how you live your life, if you want to go out to work then he should support this, yes there is a reputation of all the sleazy men in bars, I ran bars when I was younger and yes some of the staff (girls and lads) got chatted up, but surely it's his trust issues that need addressing, you could get chatted up in sainsburys, does he keep you in the house to stop this also happening.

Far too controlling for me, especially if his only reason is the risk of you being approached in the bar

SpamChaudFroid · 10/08/2019 12:34

He expects you to tailor your behaviour so he doesn't become jealous? I bet he's the cause of your anxiety.

He's unreasonable to expect you to bow down to his wishes. Life is so much better when you don't have someone bossing you around.

Mageton · 10/08/2019 12:38

There is nothing in your posts that suggests your husband has any mental health issue at all! And if he did, it would still not be acceptable to just say this is who he is and do nothing about it when it impacts
so badly on you (and other people he has been with.)

He's selfish, manipulative and controlling. And I also agree that he probably has a lot to do with your anxiety - making you feel you can't do things for yourself and keeping you isolated. Of course you're going to get anxious!

JustbeaDentist · 10/08/2019 12:41

You should work behind a bar because it's what you want. He's a manipulative, controlling dickhead and he either gets used to you doing what you want or he leaves. Don't let someone else stop you.
I bet your anxiety would improve if he stopped behaving like this/fucked off.

AbbieLexie · 10/08/2019 12:41

Is there a class ie pilates, yoga in the evening you could go to until you have an evening job? Agree with comments others posters have made.

ShippingNews · 10/08/2019 12:50

Sounds like he could only control his jealous nature when you were safely tucked away at home and not seeing anyone. I'd definitely be looking at outside work, whatever you want to do. If he can't deal with something as normal as having a wife out to work, that tells you what his level of maturity is.

Ellie56 · 10/08/2019 12:56

He’s not a great man, or a great dad. He’s a controlling arse.

This in spades. If you dump this twat I'm sure you'd find your MH issues improve no end.

You can do better than him.

Original poster

Cinders29 · 10/08/2019 12:58

Thanks all, to answer some questions...

One of the reasons I thought bar, is because we live in a small village and I have done for years and actually haven't made any friends since being here ( I have loads in a nearby town ) and id quite like to get a bit of a social network around here. The reason I haven't made friends here, actually isn't to do with dh , he would be happy for me to I think because my son has special needs im never in the same circles as the other local mums however I do have a two year old and so I imagine that will change anyway as she gets older ( being invited to Parties, when she gets friends etc)

Dh is also definitely not the cause of my anxiety. I had it a long time before we got together. It's something I've struggled with on and off for years and we've had a particularly stressful year with our son ( we nearly lost him last year ) and so I think that's triggered a lot of anxiety, however I do agree he's exasperating it.

Re isolating from family and friends. Not sure on this. Again, it boils down to who he's happy with. So I don't see a lot of my old male friends anymore. He's made it difficult. But my main group of girl friends and a couple male friends he's no issue with me meeting up with , having a relationship with. Re family... again, he doesn't isolate me but they live away but then when they do visit, he'll moan like fuck about it.

He's a very negative person, his dad the exact same, every ones out to get him! It's exhausting.

A lot of me being isolated , actually has more to do with what I have to do for my son... but it probably suits him.

Financially, my business doesn't earn a great deal - he pays all the bills, All holidays etc he's extremely generous with his money and does not control me financially at all. I just have my money for little extra things.

We have a lot to deal with with my son, and he really is a great dad - I genuinely think most men would have left by now. Maybe that's what's keeping me here?

I know that if I took the job, every night I'd come home to a million questions about who was there, who I spoke to etc it would be hell - and I don't want to live like that... I also don't want to not go for a job - to prove a point that I will not be told what I can and can't do.

I think moving forward, he needs to deal with his issues, and if he doesn't we need to separate. It's so scary, we have a beautiful home which my son loves - I could actually afford the mortgage on my own as it's a very small mortgage but I doubt he would let me keep it on, he's done a lot of work on the house and I do feel guilty about that.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 10/08/2019 13:03

Couple of things
Most men would t have left by now, they would be happy to help you care for their children
Secondly it’s not a case of him “letting you” keep the house, if you are married and you have 2 children I doubt he would have a choice, especially if you can afford the mortgage yourself

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 10/08/2019 13:05

All holidays etc he's extremely generous with his money and does not control me financially at all. I just have my money for little extra things.

His money? Surely it's the family's money? At least it was in my marriage and I'm sure it's true in most families.

He's your DH. It's supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship.

Mageton · 10/08/2019 13:11

But - he's not doing you a favour by hanging about and helping with the children! They are his children, right? So why on earth do you think most men would have left by now?

When it comes to you seeing people outside of him and the children - how supportive is he actually? You say he doesn't isolate you from family but makes a fuss. As for the friends he is ok with - how often do you actually see them?

You say he is extremely generous with money...but..you do the lions share of childcare, right? And run a business! Do you also do most of the housework?

It seems like you are grateful that he provides financially and hasn't left you - but I don't know why. I mean mutual appreciation is a great thing in a marriage of course, but surely he is just doing his share for the family, just as you are doing yours?

AngelsSins · 10/08/2019 13:43

Hes not your owner.

When did you last have a night out with your friends, without him?

caballerino · 10/08/2019 13:49

he doesn't isolate me but they live away but then when they do visit, he'll moan like fuck about it

And the impact of his behaviour is what? Making it uncomfortable, causing stress, making you reconsider how often they visit, making them less keen to visit because of the atmosphere...?

What do you think isolating you would look like if not what you describe - locking you in a tower and announcing "I hereby isolate you!"?

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