To not want to carry a child

[SurrogacyDilemma]

NC for this because it’s very outing.

I’ve had a hellish few years when it comes to TTC and am now at a crossroads where I think I’ve made a decision as what to do next but DH is not happy.

Over the last two years I’ve had two ectopic pregnancies and two miscarriages. The second ectopic nearly killed me when it burst and I had to have an emergency operation to remove a tube. Since then I’ve been to frightened to even have sex, never mind get pregnant. I’m genuinely so so scared that I’ll have another ectopic and I’ve now got seriously painful adhesions from the last op that cause me agony every 2 out of 4 weeks.

I’ve thought about it a lot and I’ve recently done a lot of research into surrogacy. I’ve broached the subject with my DH a couple of times and he’s brushed it off. We recently had a proper conversation about it and he sees it as not our child if it’s done that way. He called it a pregnancy of convenience because it’s the ‘easy way out’ and all the celebs do it. I explained that I’m scared to get pregnant again because of what happened last year and he went into a spiel of “I know it’s difficult but...” he knows it’s difficult?! He doesn’t know the half of it! Being rushed into emergency surgery and the recovery period after... and now how much pain I’m constantly in. He just doesn’t get it at all!

So am I BU to consider surrogacy or should I just face my fears and try again?

I wouldn't be having a child with this man. I wonder what else he would say is taking the ‘easy way out’ if it means providing any relief for you.

If he's more concerned about 'the easy way out' then your health and welfare now OP, that's not going to change in the future.

I don't think it's as easy as just finding a surrogate. They're not easy to come by and there are a lot of complex legal and emotional issues with the process. You said you have done research, what have you shared with your DH?

Would adoption be an option?

I considered surrogacy because I know he wants his ‘own’ flesh and blood. I would be more than happy to adopt but I think that would be even worse in his eyes. I feel at such a loss!

The question is really whether you are really willing to risk causing similar suffering to another woman. Any woman can have an ectopic pregnancy. How would you feel if your surrogate had an ectopic pregnancy and ended up with complications. Or she developed pre-eclampsia and was really unwell. Or any of the other serious complications of pregnancy.

I equally don’t think you should feel pressured into trying again. What you’ve been through is awful. Would you consider having some counselling with your partner to help you think through your options?

@Twolittlespeckledfrogs that didn’t even occur to me actually I’ve read so many happy and successful surrogacy stories recently, as there seems to be a rise due to same sex couples, that I didn’t even think that I could be potentially putting someone else through that.

I think it may be back to the drawing board.

You are definitely NOT BU
Can relate to the sentiment your post (though not what you’ve endured) and for personal reasons I like to feel in control of my body & don’t want my body to be wrecked by having a child. I have a bad pelvis/back & already had a hernia. Carrying a child to term involves huge changes to your body & I respect this but don’t wish to experience.

Is it possibly your husband doesn’t understand this is a serious concern? If you tell people you don’t want kids, or to do it the usual way sometimes people don’t get it at first. They really don’t! But once you insist then they usually will realise you mean it.

If your husband is dismissive of your health concerns that is not on.

Re - bad surrogacy stories - watch the Aussie 60 Minutes story on baby Gammy, it was a huge case a few years back.
Couple had surrogate with twins, but one was born with downs syndrome so the parents refused to have him & just took the sister!

I wouldn’t be starting family in any way with a man who was so callous towards me.

Seriously, he’s happy to risk your life so he can have what he wants? Fuck that

He called it a pregnancy of convenience because it’s the ‘easy way out’

I would consider a child with him in any case incl surrogacy. does he have no concerns about your health? did the ectopic pregnancy not make him worried about your health? does he care about you at all? I don't think so. this would make me reconsider the whole relationship.

I would be reconsidering having a child with him full stop. He seemingly has no care for your health or even your life and selfishly wants you to risk almost dying again purely to carry his child.

OP would it be worth talking to your gp? I'm a little confused as to your ectopics. Were they both in the same tube? The one that was eventually removed? I had an ectopic also, I understand how you felt and feel now. It took me years to fully recover emotionally and physically. I remember our gp talking to me when we were ttc years later as I was so worried it would happen again. He pointed out that my tube with the ectopic was removed (it burst like yours) which altho devastating at the time is often the best outcome as it reduces the chance of it happening again as the problem was likely just with that tube. I also had further investigations done after failing to get pregnant and a dye was put into my cervix and through my remaining tube which showed it was clear and unlikely to block. Perhaps this would be a consideration for you. When I did eventually get pregnant I was scanned at 6 weeks to check where the baby was altho this confused me as I ruptured before this time with the ectopic it was still reassuring to know that I would be checked asap. Also no you're not being unreasonable to go down whatever road you find less terrifying. I wish you all the luck in the world.

YANBU. Pregnancy triggered an autoimmune problem for me (MS), I wish we'd used a surrogate. Some people just aren't suited to pregnancy.

Your DH is being a dick. A friend of mine had her kids by using her DH's sperm and an egg donor. She carried them. They are her kids.

I completely agree with Twolittlespeckledfrogs about surrogacy - for some reason there is a push to normalise it atm and gloss over the fact that it's paying an inevitably poorer woman for the use of her body and to take all the risks and potential damage instead. Not to mention it's deliberately creating a baby with the intention of removing them from their mother at birth, denying them the fourth trimester - something considered unforgivably cruel if it were a puppy or kitten and done to existing human babies only when the alternative is worse (danger of being harmed). Even children born as a result of sperm donation report problems coming to terms with where they come from, there isn't much information on adult children born to surrogates. Surrogacy is the only time the best interests of infants are put behind the wants of adults.

There are gigantic and complex ethical problems with surrogacy but your DH is not even considering those, he's just considering his wants and ignoring your suffering. It doesn't sound as though he objects to women being reduced to incubator status as that's what he seems to expect if you too given he's seen all you've been through and doesn't get it!

I do think serious conversations are in order and there is no way you should be pushed, emotionally blackmailed or shamed into trying to get pregnant against your will! It may be this is not the right man to have a family of any kind with...

Either way I think surrogacy is deeply unethical personally, because it treats women as incubators and puts the wants of adults before the needs of children.

And yes I know that surrogacy in the UK is altruistic - when it's a stranger though that ultimately just means not paying her much rather than paying her a lot...

You nearly died from an ectopic but that's just something "difficult" . What a git

If you did have a baby through surrogacy he won't accept and bond with it .

And TBH, no surrogate worth their salt will touch you if you're not both 100% on board. There are risks on both sides but unless they are being co-erced they will have gone through all the potential health implications and the risk of the parents-to-be not wanting the child or the birth mother wanting to keep the baby.

It's a huge red flag really - he is happy to have your baby if you risk your life ? Has your Obs/Gynae consultant adviced you against another pg .
They can minimise the risks but there are risks .

I'd either plan a child-free life or walk.

Have you ever read Sophie Beresiner’s @motherprojectofficial? It’s a really honest and eye opening account of how difficult surrogacy can be. Give it a read.

for some reason there is a push to normalise it atm and gloss over the fact that it's paying an inevitably poorer woman for the use of her body and to take all the risks and potential damage instead

Some people just like being pregnant. They genuinely do, I've met some.

^To add to that. My sister is one. She has said she would happily be a surrogate. She loved pregnancy, every second of it, but has zero desire to be a parent to more.

There is no way you should be having a baby with this man OP! He sounds like he's from the 1950's and your only job is to be an incubator for his baby regardless of the consequences. He doesn't respect you. Find someone who does!

I too am concerned by the ethics of surrogacy, but your husband calling it a pregnancy of convenience!

Easy for him to say, any pregnancy would be convenient to him - essentially you are his surrogate as he does not have to go through any of it.

I think, with your previous pregnancies being as described, he should not want you to go through that again and should be looking into alternatives himself.

That's insane! You dh wont be carrying the baby so how is it more "his" baby you carry it over a surrogate? Very selfish attitude from him. I would be reconsidering my relationship.

I do think surrogacy could be more difficult to get pregnant and expensive and that you may feel you have missed out, so for those reasons I would try and get over your fear with more counselling (and for your own general well being of course)

Why would any half decent man would want to put his wife/partner through such an ordeal again.
I`m amazed your still with him to be honest.
Un-sure on the surrogate way
When you go back to the chalkboard,i would think really hard and long before making a life changing decision.
The best of luck to you .

Of course YANBU not to want to get pregnant again especially after what you’ve been through.

But I do think YABU to just think of surrogacy as a relatively easy solution to the problem. That won’t be easy and will come with a whole load of ethical dilemmas. Your risk going into a pregnancy is probably higher than that of a surrogate given you have already had ectopics and MCs, but you are still asking a stranger to take on the risks of pregnancy and childbirth for you to give you your child. Some may do this for truly altruistic reasons but in other countries it’s definitely something people are doing because they are poor and desperate.

Your DH just sounds U in any case.

It's interesting how it always seems to be men who want their own flesh and blood child etc...

How's the rest of your relationship? He sounds not very nice.

Have you actually explained to him properly that it would be a case of a surrogate, adoption or no child at all?

I had a very difficult birth with my first baby and to be fair to DH he didn't want to have another for a long time afterwards because he didn't want to put me through it again. My second pregnancy was horrible and I made my mind up through it I was never ever doing it again. Which DH has always been totally on board with. I was the same after both pregnancies. I didn't even want to have sex again incase I got pregnant again for a long time afterwards. But largely DH has been on board with this. It's a shame yours isn't.