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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to carry a child

83 replies

SurrogacyDilemma · 10/08/2019 07:28

NC for this because it’s very outing.

I’ve had a hellish few years when it comes to TTC and am now at a crossroads where I think I’ve made a decision as what to do next but DH is not happy.

Over the last two years I’ve had two ectopic pregnancies and two miscarriages. The second ectopic nearly killed me when it burst and I had to have an emergency operation to remove a tube. Since then I’ve been to frightened to even have sex, never mind get pregnant. I’m genuinely so so scared that I’ll have another ectopic and I’ve now got seriously painful adhesions from the last op that cause me agony every 2 out of 4 weeks.

I’ve thought about it a lot and I’ve recently done a lot of research into surrogacy. I’ve broached the subject with my DH a couple of times and he’s brushed it off. We recently had a proper conversation about it and he sees it as not our child if it’s done that way. He called it a pregnancy of convenience because it’s the ‘easy way out’ and all the celebs do it. I explained that I’m scared to get pregnant again because of what happened last year and he went into a spiel of “I know it’s difficult but...” he knows it’s difficult?! He doesn’t know the half of it! Being rushed into emergency surgery and the recovery period after... and now how much pain I’m constantly in. He just doesn’t get it at all!

So am I BU to consider surrogacy or should I just face my fears and try again?

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 10/08/2019 10:18

A surrogate can change their mind about handing over the baby and as they would be the legal mother of any baby in the UK (even if you use your eggs), your DP may end up having to pay her child support and you end up with no baby. Surrogacy is definitely not to be taken lightly which is why it’s often seen as a last ditch option. As you can get pregnant naturally just focus on ttc for now. 2 ectopics would warrant your tubes to get tested for fluid - ask for a hsg, as for a PID test, speak to a fertility clinic.

WoodLog · 10/08/2019 10:21

Assuming you'd be using your own eggs, I don't think you should underestimate the potential trauma you might find in the egg collection process.

What do you mean by this?

We had IVF and it was straightforward, no trauma at all. The egg collection they sedate you, so I'm really not sure of the trauma you are speaking about.

Teddybear45 · 10/08/2019 10:22

Also, bear in mind many surrogates won’t even consider working with a woman who is able to carry a baby. Experienced surrogates are in very short supply in the UK and many, quite rightly, focus their valuable services on women who have needed to have their wombs removed.

Original poster

SurrogacyDilemma · 10/08/2019 10:22

It hadn’t occurred to me that a surrogate could have an ectopic as well is what I meant - as someone else said I thought the egg was implanted in the uterus so I didn’t realise it could travel back up the tube. I do understand there are risks involved in anyone carrying a child and birth, I’m not a complete airhead.

Anyway, I think it’s quite clear that surrogacy is not the way forward ethically according to most posters on here and as I said I’ll continue looking into other options.

Thank you everyone for the advice.

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 10/08/2019 10:23

@WoodLog - you were lucky then. I got ‘mild’ OHSS and was sick for ages. When you produce more than 10 eggs it’s always a risk.

M0RVEN · 10/08/2019 10:24

I don’t understand how you can say that you don’t want to get pregnant because of the possible health risks but you are happy for another woman to take on these risks for you.

That’s pretty much the same way your husband is treating you

“ Well yes I know there are health risks but I’m not the one who is taking them so they don’t count. As long as I get what I want, nothing else matters “.

GreenTulips · 10/08/2019 10:29

Have you spoken to a councillor about your fears?

I think you need some input from doctors as well on the situation and likelihood of future outcomes

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/08/2019 10:31

He is NBU to not want surrogacy or adoption. However YANBU to want to go through another pregnancy and he is being awful not to recognise the physical and emotional toll previous pregnancies have put on you and to put pressure on you to go through it again. Have you had investigations into why things have gone wrong and the chances of them going wrong again? As 4 issues seems more than bad luck. Implying you want to look into surrogacy because its 'easy' is offensive because it minimises your legitimate concerns about another pregnancy. It's not like you're looking into it because you dont want stretch marks or something like some celebs!

pinkyredrose · 10/08/2019 10:31

You're in agony 50% of the time and he 'understands it's difficult'?

Why's he so keen for his own flesh and blood baby?

Maybe you could foster for a bit? He can stay home and look after them and see how much fun it is.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/08/2019 10:33

Also re the health risks to surrogates - they are choosing these risks. I thought a lot of surrogcies already had straightforward pregnancies which is one of the reasons they feel comfortable doing it. They are aware of the risks and accept them

M0RVEN · 10/08/2019 10:36

I agree that he is NBU to not want to adopt. Same as you are NBU to not want to be pregnant and give birth.

You would both be wrong to try to force the other to go against their views.

messolini9 · 10/08/2019 10:38

He called it a pregnancy of convenience because it’s the ‘easy way out’

Well, DH would know all about that, wouldnt he?
What with him so conveniently not having to get pregnant himself.

He needs to properly understand what you have been through, OP. Are you able to convey that to him, or is he insisting on staying obtuse?

Fragalino · 10/08/2019 10:41

Op I can totally understand that he may not feel comfortable with it.
Who wouldn't want to experience all the baby moving and that excitement.

But the way he has dismissed your health concerns etc is awful! Mean and v worrying.

If you did carry baby and end up with nasty surgery or down below your not going to get emotional support

PurpleDaisies · 10/08/2019 10:43

Maybe you could foster for a bit? He can stay home and look after them and see how much fun it is.

Is this sarcastic? It’s an utterly awful idea.

Fragalino · 10/08/2019 10:43

Op a surrogate chooses the job for goodness sake!

NewAccount270219 · 10/08/2019 10:46

I thought a lot of surrogcies already had straightforward pregnancies which is one of the reasons they feel comfortable doing it.

Having had easy pregnancies in the past is no guarantee you won't have serious health problems in a subsequent ones - and there are some risks that go up with each pregnancy.

Teddybear45 · 10/08/2019 10:49

UK IVF clinics would offer more testing and support. So, to be frank, you shouldn’t have the same problems with ectopics surrogacy or not. was given a transvaginal scan straight after the positive test to look at my ovaries. Then another viability scan at 7 weeks before I was released into the NHS and I wasn’t even a surrogate. I was provided counselling at every stage too. Surrogates are offered even more scans and support both mental and physical.

TeenTimesTwo · 10/08/2019 11:02

Woodlog You were lucky. I found the whole IVF process increasingly stressful/traumatic. Maybe it is better these days, but I ended up having embryo replacement under sedation as well as collection.

pinky Fostering is not a kind of 'try before you buy' system. Foster carers do a tremendous job taking in children from awful circumstances and giving hem safety and security and normality until either they can return home or they move to adoptive homes. They are trained professionals not a method to persuade someone to be a parent!

gingersausage · 10/08/2019 11:13

I wouldn’t even consider having a child with someone who cared more about what it was made from than about my health. It’s amazing how men are always so fucking obsessed with having “their own flesh and blood” and yet they are the ones who invariably find it so easy to just fuck off whenever they feel like it.

I don’t understand why everyone thinks you need counselling (not bloody councilling ffs!). Given you are a grown woman, if you don’t want to carry a baby, then don’t. If you want to adopt, I would start looking into the process on your own. He doesn’t get to decide what you do with your body ultimately.

NewAccount270219 · 10/08/2019 11:25

If you want to adopt, I would start looking into the process on your own.

That would mean leaving her DH, as no one is going to approve one half of a couple to adopt when the other half doesn't want to.

Most local authorities also won't consider you within a certain time frame (a year or two) of a last pregnancy/IVF attempt, and would want you to have counselling - because it's not a decision you should be making while grieving and until you're totally sure that you've emotionally processed not having a biological child.

WoodLog · 10/08/2019 11:26

TeenTimesTwo It was 8.5 years ago we did it. TBH it might be our personalities too. TBH neither of us found it stressful. The clinic/doctors/staff were all so lovely and they made it as easy as possible for us.
I know some people have a harder time. SIL was incredibly stressed and it nearly broke her and BIL, thankfully it didn't.

I don't think it's a blanket one size fits all thing that's all.

gingersausage · 10/08/2019 11:33

@NewAccount270219 I understand that, but I figure the earlier you start the research the better. That way, if you do decide to go ahead, you have more of an idea of what you are doing.

TeenTimesTwo · 10/08/2019 11:34

I don't think it's a blanket one size fits all thing that's all.

I agree. But I think it is not unlikely that the OP with her history might not find it a walk in the park.

Bettyboopityboop · 10/08/2019 11:42

OP I'm not sure if it's any help but have you considered trying to discuss this with your GP? Perhaps with your history they will agree to bloods being taken from the moment you get a positive pregnancy test, then checking HCG levels to make sure they double every 48 hours. From what I understand, ectopics don't double. I know some private ultrasound places do scans now from 6 weeks, but the EPU might do one earlier? Or just complain of serious pains at 5 weeks and get a scan done? I'm not sure the exact solution but in other countries ectopics are usually found before they explode through a combination of bloods and scans. I think if you discuss this with your GP, you can see what could change for your next pregnancy but you're going to have to be assertive and demanding.

WoodLog · 10/08/2019 11:43

Maybe, maybe not. Personally I had severe endo and only had one tube ovary, so on paper I might have. You just can never tell.
Sorry you had a hard time with it

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