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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to carry a child

83 replies

SurrogacyDilemma · 10/08/2019 07:28

NC for this because it’s very outing.

I’ve had a hellish few years when it comes to TTC and am now at a crossroads where I think I’ve made a decision as what to do next but DH is not happy.

Over the last two years I’ve had two ectopic pregnancies and two miscarriages. The second ectopic nearly killed me when it burst and I had to have an emergency operation to remove a tube. Since then I’ve been to frightened to even have sex, never mind get pregnant. I’m genuinely so so scared that I’ll have another ectopic and I’ve now got seriously painful adhesions from the last op that cause me agony every 2 out of 4 weeks.

I’ve thought about it a lot and I’ve recently done a lot of research into surrogacy. I’ve broached the subject with my DH a couple of times and he’s brushed it off. We recently had a proper conversation about it and he sees it as not our child if it’s done that way. He called it a pregnancy of convenience because it’s the ‘easy way out’ and all the celebs do it. I explained that I’m scared to get pregnant again because of what happened last year and he went into a spiel of “I know it’s difficult but...” he knows it’s difficult?! He doesn’t know the half of it! Being rushed into emergency surgery and the recovery period after... and now how much pain I’m constantly in. He just doesn’t get it at all!

So am I BU to consider surrogacy or should I just face my fears and try again?

OP posts:

Namechanger001 · 10/08/2019 09:07

@Twolittlespeckledfrogs how can the surrogate have an ectopic pregnancy? The egg is placed in the uterus- it doesn't need to travel down the fallopian tube? Unless I've misunderstood-iI don't think that is possible in this situation.

Original poster

SurrogacyDilemma · 10/08/2019 09:09

The stupid thing is he was SO scared too when I went through it all. He was sobbing after my operation and said all he could think about was losing me. So he DID care about my health then, but it’s like he’s forgotten about it all now.

For those talking about the ethics of surrogacy, I do understand that. I’ve done so much research into all the different options that I feel like my head is going to explode. In all honesty, I don’t know if I even want children at all - I raised my three younger siblings due to family life issues and that almost put me off anyway. I just don’t know if I’m being selfish with whatever decision I make.

My other option is to freeze my eggs/embryos and make a decision later on in life. I’m just very conscious that everyone around me is having babies (I’m early 30s) and that tick tock noise is getting louder in my head.

OP posts:

Penguincity · 10/08/2019 09:13

You say you are not even sure you want a child so why not step back for a bit. Not having a child is a perfectly acceptable choice, which I think many more should take.
Surrogacy I am very wary of, and my personal opinion is its not ethical.

FlashingLights101 · 10/08/2019 09:14

Aside from the issues with your DH, who frankly isn't being very kind, from a practical point of view, with 2 ectopic pregnancies and 2 miscarriages, would you be eligible for IVF? That would still be your baby that you would carry, but would reduce the risk of an ectopic pregnancy?

Tonnerre · 10/08/2019 09:15

How would you feel if your surrogate had an ectopic pregnancy and ended up with complications.

That's one risk at least that can be discounted, given that the fertilised egg is certainly not going to be placed in an ovarian tube.

anothernotherone · 10/08/2019 09:17

If it was purely the eptopic scaring you (understandably) IVF with your own eggs and sperm would be far less fraught with ethical problems and potential issues for the baby. IVF is hard but a better option than surrogacy if avoiding an eptopic is your primary focus

However it sounds as though you've got a lot of thinking to do about whether to have children together or whether you want them at all.

Remember it absolutely isn't compulsory nor is it selfish not to! In fact many would argue that globally it's having children that's selfish.

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 10/08/2019 09:26

Your DH should really be thinking about this from your point of view. I'm pregnant with our first and I am in a lot of pain every day. Nothing that puts me or baby in any danger but every movement I make all day every day is very painful and getting worse.
I told my DH that I wasn't sure that I would ever want to do this again because it's likely to reoccur. He said he couldn't blame me and he didn't like seeing me in pain all the time and not having another child sounded sensible.
He shouldn't be asking you to do something you're so afraid of and for very valid reasons.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/08/2019 09:27

I think you need an impartial third party to really help both of you go through your options here as there is so much to consider.

I too have issues with the ethics of surrogacy and whether it's fair to bring a baby into the world who will inevitably lose their mother.

Soubriquet · 10/08/2019 09:32

Yanbu OP

A pregnancy could kill you as you’ve proved you’re susceptible to ectopic pregnancies

He really doesn’t understand

I would consider surrogacy. I really would

I know it’s not the approved MN method, but it is a method

Like a PP said, some people enjoy pregnancy (I wasn’t one of them) and gladly want to be a surrogate

I have a friend who has MRKH and is currently expecting a baby via surrogate

SandyY2K · 10/08/2019 09:32

YANBU. Your DH is though.

Given your history, I'm not suprised your petrified to get pregnant.

Many surrogates have carried before and don't have a history of ectopic pregnancies.
Please don't be put off by that comment upthread.

If your DH isn't on board with surrogacy, then you need to decide if you want to stay with him. I don't think he's considering you at all.

Anon992 · 10/08/2019 09:33

I am a UK based surrogate myself and I know another surrogate who during the last 12 months suffered an ectopic pregnancy following an embryo transfer - despite the embryo having been placed in the uterus. It’s rare - but it definitely can happen. There are always risks to the surrogate as with any pregnancy and, whilst some women do indeed enjoy pregnancy, I personally would not have considered taking on those risks unless the biological mother was unable to carry herself. This is just my own view any other surrogates may feel differently.

However I have a huge amount of sympathy with your situation and understand that you are doing a lot of thinking and researching all your options. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough time and that your partner isn’t on the same wavelength as you right now. Would counselling help?

Bluthbanana · 10/08/2019 09:33

I think most people are U to consider surrogacy. It's very rarely truly altruistic, and I don't feel that surrogacy in cases where the risks of pregnancy are unacceptable to the intended parents that it's ethical to pass those on to another woman, who will often already have children of her own to consider.

FlipperSkipper · 10/08/2019 09:36

Regarding ectopic pregnancies, ivf can still result in an ectopic pregnancy as the embryo can move into the Fallopian tube. Also, not all surrogacy is ivf - in some cases the surrogate mother's eggs are used and artificial insemination used, so just as much risk.

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 10/08/2019 09:42

Would you consider speaking to a fertility specialist to see if there are investigations which could explain your recurrent miscarriages and see if there is any treatment which could enable you to carry a pregnancy more safely?

Whatever you decide both you and your DH really need to speak to someone impartial, perhaps a counsellor. I'm afraid that any route to parenthood for you is likely to be difficult, possibly expensive, and certainly emotionally exhausting. It is a process that is tough on even the most rock-solid of marriages.

PalJoey · 10/08/2019 09:48

You realise that there is another option aside from dangerous pregnancy, offloading the risk of pregnancy through surrogacy, or adoption, and that is to not have children. In my experience the worst parents are those who had children because they thought they had to, because of social convention or family pressure or to 'pass on their name' or bloodline or whatever. If everything in your life (your own reproductive health, your partner's frankly chilling desire for you to risk your own life anyway) is pointing away from the possibility of children it's something you should seriously consider.

JingsMahBucket · 10/08/2019 09:48

YANBU and I’d feel extremely uncomfortable knowing your husband wanted to put you at risk again. If I were you I would stop trying for children, full stop. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be. Try looking into counseling services to come to grips with this. They would help you walk through the decision to stop.

I also have a feeling that if you told your husband you want to stop that his true colours would come out. They’re already peeking through right now.

speakout · 10/08/2019 09:50

There is a third way OP- try to get some counselling to understand your fears and help you find a good way forward.

Quartz2208 · 10/08/2019 09:51

I think you need time and space to decide what you want and to heal

Surrogacy though I would say isn’t for you particularly if you are unsure about having children

AgileLass · 10/08/2019 09:52

The question is really whether you are really willing to risk causing similar suffering to another woman. Any woman can have an ectopic pregnancy. How would you feel if your surrogate had an ectopic pregnancy and ended up with complications. Or she developed pre-eclampsia and was really unwell. Or any of the other serious complications of pregnancy.

I say this gently, but if the above didn’t even occur to you, then you haven’t really done any serious research into surrogacy and the serious risks you would be asking another woman to take for you.

formerbabe · 10/08/2019 09:54

that didn’t even occur to me actually sad I’ve read so many happy and successful surrogacy stories recently, as there seems to be a rise due to same sex couples, that I didn’t even think that I could be potentially putting someone else through that

I'm sorry for what you've gone through but I'm genuinely amazed that you hadn't thought about the fact you'd be expecting another woman to risk her health.

SandyY2K · 10/08/2019 10:07

There are risks with most things in life. Pregnancy is a risk in itself...I think ppl are trying to make you feel guilty for considering surrogacy.

In your position, I'm just not sure I'd actually want a child with someone who didn't seem to value your life... be it through my own pregnancy or a surrogate.

I also question the comment that you should seek counselling to understand your fears. Its bloody obvious..the OP has suffered 4 pregnancy losses and one ectopic pregnancy was exceedingly traumatic and could have cost her life.

I'm a great advocate of counselling, but you don't need to seek counselling to understand why you would be fearful in this situation. Stevie Wonder can see that.

AgileLass · 10/08/2019 10:11

Stevie Wonder can see that.

WTF

TeenTimesTwo · 10/08/2019 10:12

Assuming you'd be using your own eggs, I don't think you should underestimate the potential trauma you might find in the egg collection process.

Smokesandeats · 10/08/2019 10:15

How long ago was your last pregnancy loss? If it was within the last year, I don’t think you or DH have had time to really process what has happened to you. Personally, I would stop trying for now to give your body and mind a chance to get over the ectopic pregnancy.

I think you should see a doctor about the pain you are in every month because that isn’t something you should just accept. You and DH might benefit from counselling to discuss all the issues properly.

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 10/08/2019 10:16

I think ppl are trying to make you feel guilty for considering surrogacy.

That’s incredibly unfair on the thoughtful responses that OP has received. By her own admission she had not considered the potential risks for the surrogate.

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