To not want to carry a child

[SurrogacyDilemma]

NC for this because it’s very outing.

I’ve had a hellish few years when it comes to TTC and am now at a crossroads where I think I’ve made a decision as what to do next but DH is not happy.

Over the last two years I’ve had two ectopic pregnancies and two miscarriages. The second ectopic nearly killed me when it burst and I had to have an emergency operation to remove a tube. Since then I’ve been to frightened to even have sex, never mind get pregnant. I’m genuinely so so scared that I’ll have another ectopic and I’ve now got seriously painful adhesions from the last op that cause me agony every 2 out of 4 weeks.

I’ve thought about it a lot and I’ve recently done a lot of research into surrogacy. I’ve broached the subject with my DH a couple of times and he’s brushed it off. We recently had a proper conversation about it and he sees it as not our child if it’s done that way. He called it a pregnancy of convenience because it’s the ‘easy way out’ and all the celebs do it. I explained that I’m scared to get pregnant again because of what happened last year and he went into a spiel of “I know it’s difficult but...” he knows it’s difficult?! He doesn’t know the half of it! Being rushed into emergency surgery and the recovery period after... and now how much pain I’m constantly in. He just doesn’t get it at all!

So am I BU to consider surrogacy or should I just face my fears and try again?

YANBU unreasonable, l can see why you feel the way you feel. Your husband is being rather selfish and thoughtless. It feels like he is just dismissing your fears and not thinking about the implications for you. Which l suppose is easy to do when you are not the one in pain and risking your life! Negotiating surrogacy is very difficult from a moral, legal and financial perspective. Is it something you truly want to do or is it only something you are considering to placate him?

Op a surrogate chooses the job for goodness sake!

Surrogacy isn’t a job, you don’t get paid, it can’t be advertised as a service, it’s not a business.

And just because some women “ choose “ to do something, doesn’t mean that the people using them are moral and ethical .

Some people feel that altruistic surrogacy is slightly different but personally I’m not so sure.

It's all very well saying surrogacy is a choice but why is it mostly poorer women who are making this choice?

Your feelings are completely understandable. Your husband sounds frankly deluded about what pregnancy- even an easy one- entails.

*Surrogacy isn’t a job, you don’t get paid, it can’t be advertised as a service, it’s not a business.

And just because some women “ choose “ to do something, doesn’t mean that the people using them are moral and ethical .

.*
I agree, using a womans body as a paid commodity makes me very uncomfortable. Whether for surrogacy or prostitution or lap dancing.

I thought surrogates got paid. Does that not happen (officially) in the U.K.?

It seems as though your DH is placing a hypothetical, non-existent life over your very real and painful life. OP, it's not a surrogate you need, it's a divorce lawyer.

Get rid of DH.

Adopt a lovely baby/child.

Enjoy.