To ask DH to have the snip.

[whoiswrongwhoisright]

Name changed for this.

DH & I have 2 children (currently pregnant), we are undecided on wanting a 3rd but I asked him once we have made that decision whether that be after a 3rd or not (once this baby is 1) will he have the snip as I don't want to keep putting hormones into my body (I am to young to have my tubes tied) and we are extremely fertile together, I stop contraception and get pregnant first try!

He has said No! He doesn't want to change his body, I said fine, we will have to use condoms and he refuses because they are uncomfortable.

So obviously the only other option is No sex!

What do I do? AIBU to ask DH to either get the snip or use condoms, Uncomfortable or not!

so hopefully will find a better brand online otherwise no sex,

Why is it your job to find a condom that suits him?

YABU about 'being too young to have your tubes tied' yet insist on vasectomy for him if he doesn't want surgery either.

A lot of trusts no longer fund female sterilisation! It's a fact. At any rate, they haven't decided if they want a 3rd child, but if he won't use condoms then they will probably end up with another.

Also the people telling me to get the coil, I'm not shoving something up into my uterus, just isn't for me that one thanks

But a baby was in your uterus

Having a coil is a bit different to carrying a baby in there!!

I would be extremely wary because he may say "fine we just won't have sex then" refusing to use contraception and then catch you out in a weak time of the month after a few glasses of wine and you end up pregnant again. Three friends now who have had this.

He is a shitty person for not finding a condom that works for him and isn't uncomfortable (hint, they usually need a different brand), but I would find a long term method that you don't need to think about (implant, injection or copper non hormonal coil).

I would be extremely wary because he may say "fine we just won't have sex then" refusing to use contraception and then catch you out in a weak time of the month after a few glasses of wine and you end up pregnant again.

Yes, and then try to bully and manipulate you into a termination you don't want, seems to go hand in hand with a selfish person. He needs to find a condom that works for him. Or since he doesn't want them, go without sex.

but I would find a long term method that you don't need to think about (implant, injection or copper non hormonal coil)

The OP has already stated that she doesn't want hormones or a coil.

Having a vasectomy or being sterilised is not. They aren't comparable. Especially if he doesn't want one. And he doesn't need to offer any more justification than that.

So he can't complain if she won't have sex then.

My DH got a vasectomy in his 20s no questions asked because he saw how terrible I felt on hormonal contraception (we don’t have kids and don’t want any).

If he won’t get the snip or use condoms then no sex it is! See how long he lasts!

OP what is the exact complaint with the condoms - how are they uncomfortable?

Condoms can be quite painful if you get the size and shape wrong. Most people will just reach for Durex which is the most readily available brand in the UK but what most people don't realise is that condoms really aren't a one-size-fits-all (or even most) affair. And if they are genuinely uncomfortable then it would be worth doing some research into other options.

There are places online which will show you how the different shapes are set up between brands and styles (for example some are straight, some are narrower at the base) and how the different sizing works from brand to brand. A bit like clothing, there's no standard sizes and what is an XL in one brand may not be in another (my partner uses regular size Trojans, but if he has to buy Durex then the only ones that fit well are the XLs. He's very proud of being a British XL although he's certainly not out of the ordinary!).

I can guarantee that somewhere out there is a brand and variety of condom that will not cause your husband discomfort, and it would be well worth trying some variety packs to see what works best. Britishcondoms have variety packs, including US and less well known brands, and I think places like Lovehoney might do them as well.

A vasectomy is the default solution when a couple is done having children. It is the least invasive and most freeing option for both partners. It is much less risky than any option available for women.

If a vasectomy is off the table for whatever reason, then I would consider the choices to be condoms or no sex. It’s not an ultimatum. It’s not blackmail. It’s just reality.

There are contraceptive options that do not involve putting artificial hormones into your body, they may not be 100% safe but I've known women who have used them, carefully, for years without a pregnancy. Have a little experiment with different contraceptives while you are still on the pill.

I don't like condoms but it is many, many years since I've had any involvement with them - now, everyone uses them if they're single. I didn't stay on the pill for too long but managed to avoid any more babies, so can you.

A vasectomy is the default solution when a couple is done having children
According to..... You?

Plenty of people find other non-surgical solutions work just fine for them.

But a baby was in your uterus

A baby is natural, that is NOT.
Not to mention I have 2 friends who have tried it 1 got pregnant as the coil must of fell out (they couldn't find it) and the other had a constant period and a fight to get it removed, not happening.

@Confrontayshunme He will say that, but he will stick to it he can go months without sex & it won't bother him as his ex never had it with him...

@timshelthechoice he would never ask me to have an abortion.

@Lockheart Thanks for that, Didn't realise you could get variety packs! Will defo order some to try I am sure he will find something he can get along with then 😁 x

If he did abstain from sex for months, how would you feel?

Condoms are like bras - you need the right fit. I too am over men who don’t want to wear condoms, usually it’s divorced men I have experienced this with. They never want to wear rubbers & have no regard for safe sex (eg insisting pulling out is enough). It’s such a turn off when a bloke bitches about wearing a condom. Like how spoilt are they to complain about sex not feeling good enough! Losers.

I'm wondering if you are fixated on the snip or condoms. Femidoms have been suggested multiple times by me and others but it seems like you are disregarding this idea. May I ask why? If you are comfortable with condoms but he isn't, why wouldn't you try out femidoms? It could just solve your problem.

My eh had a vasectomy, completely his choice, our third child was 9 months old, at the time I had postnatal depression for the second time and had two very scary births, due to pre eclsmpsia. I had been told by the docs not to have another child, too high risk of stroke, etc. He suggested it, I wasn't overly happy I had wanted 4 (I know this would have been silly) and grieved any child that I couldn't have. It was the right decision though, he didn't want me going through anything else, it wasn't easy, he had a reaction and wasn't great. But 9 years on, all good.

I think it's because of this fixation o women being paid back for the risks they assumed through pregnancy and childbirth

Whoops, type not eh, dh.

@Kewlwife well I don't really know, as iv said I haven't really had a sex drive the whole time we have been together due to the implant & pill, other than when TTC and no on contraception.

I don't feel I need to be paid back for anything! If it wasn't for my DH I wouldn't have my kids. Plus id happily have more but id rather be able to give my 2 DC more in life than keep having babies...

@cranstonmanor I have looked into female condoms, they are hard to get hold of and a lot more expensive than male condoms.

I was in exactly your situation a few years ago. We had 2 children and were discussing the options for when our family was complete. Like yours, my DH was adamant that he didn’t want a vasectomy and I felt that after birthing 2 babies (and taking hormonal contraception for years beforehand), it was his turn to take some responsibility. We had a fair few arguments about it.

In the end, we decided to go for a third child and when she was born, I said it was condoms or nothing and stuck to it. He came round very quickly (more to do with being absolutely sure that 3 was more than enough children than a hatred of condoms I think!)
He had the vasectomy a few months ago and we are both really happy that it was the right decision for us. He had a bit of pain after but no long term issues and it’s a huge weight off knowing that we no longer have to worry about contraception. DH now recommends it to anyone who is done having kids!

Also, another poster mentioned that in the US they use a more advanced new scalpel technique. Just to say, this is now available in the UK on the NHS and is what DH had. You can ask for it when you speak to the GP.

One thing that did annoy both of us though was that when he went to the GP, they tried to talk him out of it, suggesting that he got me to have a coil fitted instead and implying that he might change his mind in the future. We felt that as he was a 42 year old father of 3, the NHS shouldn’t really be trying to talk him OUT of having more kids and it was a further reinforcement of the attitude in society that contraception is the woman’s job.

So what I’m saying is maybe give it some time. You might find that he comes round to the idea once he feels sure that he is definitely done having babies. X

I'd put money on him complaining about femidoms too.

They hard sell that fucking Mirena coil like it's a panacea for all the world's ills. Seriously, they were asking me if I wanted another one of those fucking things fitted whilst I was about to be put under GA for emergency surgery to get the other one out after it had perforated my uterus! I was still in pain and was like NFW, do NOT put another one of those damn things in EVER! Then they still tried to push one on me later, 'You can still get pregnant.' Newsflash, we are not having sex just now because I am recovering from having a hole punched in my uterus from the damn Mirena so there's no way I'll get pregnant.' They even tried to hard sell it to me after DH had had a vasectomy and the all clear! 'I'd really like to know the reason why you are constantly trying to bully and manipulate women into having a foreign object inserted into their bodies when they have told you numerous times they do not want it, or in my case, need it. Is this a fetish for you? Is there some type of incentive? Have you skipped lessons on consent and boundaries? Because no means no.' That shut them up.

@itsbetterthanabox he's open to trying the different condoms iv ordered, neither of us knew you could get different kinds in larger sizes online  but if I never started this thread I would not have found that out so its all good!

@timshelthechoice the amount of times iv been told "would you like to try the coil" NO THANKS!

Femidoms are available on Amazon, they're not difficult to get hold of at all! Yes, they're more expensive, but it doesn't sound like you're going to be at it so much that it's going to break the bank.