To ask DH to have the snip.

[whoiswrongwhoisright]

Name changed for this.

DH & I have 2 children (currently pregnant), we are undecided on wanting a 3rd but I asked him once we have made that decision whether that be after a 3rd or not (once this baby is 1) will he have the snip as I don't want to keep putting hormones into my body (I am to young to have my tubes tied) and we are extremely fertile together, I stop contraception and get pregnant first try!

He has said No! He doesn't want to change his body, I said fine, we will have to use condoms and he refuses because they are uncomfortable.

So obviously the only other option is No sex!

What do I do? AIBU to ask DH to either get the snip or use condoms, Uncomfortable or not!

my xh offered to have the snip - I said no, and had a coil fitted but this was because I knew that I wasn't happy in the relationship and that if things didn't change we would be splitting up at some stage in the future. I wasn't giving him the opportunity to blame me for him not to be able to have more children in the future.

We did split up a couple of years later (he had an OW and left me for her). Shortly after I was sterilised and shortly after that he had a vasectomy which he later regretted so I was so pleased he couldn't say I had made him have it. He would have

No sex for him then. You've carried your children as well as taken responsibility for contraception and he can't use condoms or have the snip? He's being selfish and inconsiderate.

I'm totally sick of men like this. Contraception is not just a womans responsibility. However women end up with pregnancies they don't want if they don't do something to prevent them. If we all just said no condoms/vasectomy no sex then they'd soon do something about it. While we put up with this shit, then they'll keep abrogating any sort of responsibility and continue being selfish.

Condoms, vasectomy or abstinence are the options I've given DH too. Condoms are currently winning but it's pretty shit. I'm hoping he'll eventually opt for a vasectomy to save the hassle.

I think ill get a big box of xl condoms and tell him he knows were they are if he wants to be intimate 🤷🏻‍♀️ thanks everyone x

Then you will be the one responsible for buying them, too. FTS. Just tell him, NO glove, no love and walk the walk. If he says 'I'll just go elsewhere then,' tell him that if his health means so little to him he's willing to risk STI with someone whose standards are so low she doesn't insist on condoms then it's not worth being in a relationship with him anyways. I'd lose respect for a man who left it all to me and wouldn't want to shag him.

I think the choice to have children is highly personal and should be made individually. So if/when I get to a point where I don't want any more, I will take a permanent, surgical option to stop it happening, assuming other methods of birth control aren't desired options for me.

I didn't have children with my partners for their sake - we wanted children and it made sense to have and parent them together. Therefore, I don't feel as if the risks I took to have children or the permanent effects of having them indebted them to me in any way. I don't feel they are obliged to assume the risks of the surgery to pay me back for being pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant.

I find it strange that it is quite normal for one person to say to their partner that they don't want any more children so the other should have surgery. It isn't only women who do it. Men too. To me, if you're sure you don't want to be pregnant or get someone pregnant for the rest of your life, you should take steps to stop that happening.

So by that reasoning, and because I ask find condoms a massive and unsexy hassle, I would find it unreasonable if my partner gave me an ultimatum of surgery or condoms because they decided they didn't want more children. Even if I also didn't want to conceive any more. I'd want them to make their choices of how they will ensure they are unable to make any babies. And I'll make mine when I'm sure it is what I want to do.

To me, if you're sure you don't want to be pregnant or get someone pregnant for the rest of your life, you should take steps to stop that happening.

No sex solves that perfectly if a person doesn't or cannot get surgery (and as she's young, she won't likely get it on the NHS and it's quite expensive, about £3000+ privately a sum not all can afford) and doesn't want to use the copper coil or hormonal options and the other party doesn't want to use condoms. No sex is always an option.

Sterilisation is actually a feminist issue in a lot of ways because the rules vary greatly by doctor. Basically, if you live in an overcrowded council house and are on benefits, the chances of your doctor approving your request are much higher. If you don't have kids/are more wealthy, they patronise you by suggesting you'll change your mind.

I used to think it was all about whether or not you have caesarean because it costs less for them to do it when they're already in there getting the baby but I've found that the doctor agreeing you shouldn't have any more children for whatever reason (social or medical) seems to do the trick.

I personally wouldn't see taking sex off of the table as a viable option. That would be punishing myself just as much.

DH had a vasectomy, his choice. Best thing ever. He was fine within a day.

I would find it unreasonable if my partner gave me an ultimatum of surgery or condoms because they decided they didn't want more children.

@Kewlwife So then the only option is for me to take hormonal contraception which makes me have no sex drive, become moody, get acne and put on weight. Not going to keep putting my self through that 🤷🏻‍♀️ not to mention we would BOTH be making the decision not to have more children.

I would try natural family planning but then I have to take my temp every morning etc and I cant do that as I do all the night feeds so doesn't work!

I would find it unreasonable if my partner gave me an ultimatum of surgery or condoms because they decided they didn't want more children.

I agree.

This is quite a common thread on here. Usually the consensus is that it’s his body and you can’t force him to have the snip. I think the same applies to your body, he can’t force you to pump it with hormones.

It’s either condoms, abstinence or he puts on his big boy pants and does the right thing. It’s only fair when you have been through two pregnancies and births imo.

You hear this so often. It seems to be a common problem. It's true that it isn't fair to force any form of contraception on anyone, but the fact is that sex makes babies so realistically at some point a compromise needs to be reached? And the compromise shouldn't always be that the woman has to deal with it. That seems to be the way it usually goes.

Personally I dislike the idea of sterilisation in general, for men or women, and my DH feels the same way. Neither of us would get it done. But we accept that this means we are limiting our contraception options and we accept the consequences of that. We know that until I go through the menapause there is always a small risk that we may conceive, and we have made our peace with that.

Your DH is being ridiculous. He doesn't want to get the snip, he won't use condoms AND he knows how strongly you feel about not getting pregnant again? Sounds to me like he's either being a total wanker or he's volunteering you both for a life of celibacy...

Then the only options are copper coil or condoms if you don't want hormones and can't use NFP.

Or no sex.

Bet you London to a brick he'll be the type to insist on abortion if you got pregnant a 4th time after having a wanted 3rd child.

@whoiswrongwhoisright

You have the option of surgery to ensure you don't conceive again because you don't want to. If you you and your partner split or he died and you got with someone else, would you consider conceiving with them?

My DH refused the snip too. He uses condoms but only puts them halfway through. I got pregnant recently and miscarried at 8 weeks soon after we found out. We know we don't want anymore children but he still refuses the snip. Not sure where to go from here but have refused him since so I'll see if he changes his mind soon...

You have the option of surgery to ensure you don't conceive again because you don't want to.

If her trust doesn't fund it (and many no longer do fund sterilisation for females and/or will not do them on someone they deem too young) and doesn't have private medical insurance to cover it or about £3000, then it's actually not an option.

I think ill get a big box of xl condoms and tell him he knows were they are if he wants to be intimate 🤷🏻‍♀️ thanks everyone x

Bahahaha stealth brag??

Go to GP or contraceptive clinic to get full range of options there are a couple more that differ in exact side effect profile. Decide together but both of u have a say over your own bodies.

GP's and clinics will push LARC rather than 'full range of options'. They'll tell you condoms don't work and tell you all manner of guff about how great the Mirena is and how the hormones 'don't leave the uterus' (they do because the brain has to be told to stop ovulating) and has no side effects or if it does they always settle, or copper coil (but they'll push Mirena first because it's cheaper). It's a waste of time.

I would try natural family planning but then I have to take my temp every morning etc and I cant do that as I do all the night feeds so doesn't work!

You are right that it has to be a certain lifestyle to be able to use basal temperature readings, I.e. no going out till early hours, no waking up several times a night, regular bedtime and regular wake time, no drinking etc It doesn’t work when you are sick, have a fever... Most importantly you may get as few as 11 ‘safe’ days out of each cycle, five of which are period days. Is this acceptable to you?

Please be mindful that you are only really safe for three days of your period and after the point of three days following confirmed ovulation. The days in between are guesswork. Ovulation can and does happen early. With no warning. If you had unprotected sex up to 5 days before, you run a risk of falling pregnant. So, there are a lot of precautions and very few carefree sex days in reality.

I have been a Natural Cycles User for three years now. I will never put hormones in my body again. They reduce my quality of life to unacceptable degree. Coils don’t stay in. And it’s an abortive device.

So my point is NFP isn’t going to solve all your problems in one fell swoop and you will find you have to use condoms for a larger part of your cycle anyway (or abstain when you want it most)

From the NHS website:

Almost any woman can be sterilised, but it should only be considered by women who do not want any more children or do not want children at all.
Once you're sterilised it's very difficult to reverse it, so consider all options before making your decision.
Sterilisation reversal is not usually available on the NHS.
You may be more likely to be accepted for the operation if you're over 30 and have had children.

For men:

You should only have a vasectomy if you're certain you don't want any more children or don't want children at all.
If you have a partner, discuss it with them before you decide. If possible, you should both agree to the procedure, but it's not a legal requirement to get your partner's permission.
Once you have had a vasectomy, it's very difficult to reverse it, so consider all options and use another method of contraception until you're completely sure. Vasectomy reversal isn't usually available on the NHS.
You may be more likely to be accepted for a vasectomy if you're over 30 and have had children.
But your GP can refuse to carry out the procedure, or refuse to refer you, if they don't believe it's in your best interests. (They also say this on the female page)

...

However, you are entitled to seek a 2nd opinion from another GP. That's what I'd do if I was blocked from referral by 1 doctor. Even if it mean changing practice. Obviously that practice doesn't respect my autonomy. If I really didn't want more kids, I'd assume those risks myself and stop it happening.

Do you think sometimes it dawns on women that they have a limited biological clock which means after about 40, they are unavailable to partner with people who wish to conceive. Their husbands, however, could go and create a 2nd family with someone else right up until they are elderly if they and their new partner are okay with that. Is male vasectomy (especially) sometimes used as a marker of commitment or dare I say.. control? Ensuring a man cannot go and father a new family unit (at least a biological one) is a good way of limiting his availability to other women who are still in childbearing years.

Some trusts will no longer fund female sterilisation, that's reality! Because the Mirena is as effective (although about 15% of users experience negative side effects that make it intolerable. I had one perforate my uterus. The pain was unbelievable and I wound up needing emergency surgery and then got an infection so well, was not keen on having another one). And plenty of people cannot just change practices.

And again, not having sex is a way to ensure you don't have kids, it's an option, not just surgery for the woman .

As for the second part of your post, WTAF? Lots of projecting there .