To ask DH to have the snip.

[whoiswrongwhoisright]

Name changed for this.

DH & I have 2 children (currently pregnant), we are undecided on wanting a 3rd but I asked him once we have made that decision whether that be after a 3rd or not (once this baby is 1) will he have the snip as I don't want to keep putting hormones into my body (I am to young to have my tubes tied) and we are extremely fertile together, I stop contraception and get pregnant first try!

He has said No! He doesn't want to change his body, I said fine, we will have to use condoms and he refuses because they are uncomfortable.

So obviously the only other option is No sex!

What do I do? AIBU to ask DH to either get the snip or use condoms, Uncomfortable or not!

How worrying that some on here think it's "unreasonable" to ask a partner to wear condoms. How on earth is that unreasonable? And how is it unreasonable to ask about a vasectomy? What misogynist views.

Op, you've every right to ask, just as he has every right to say no. What does he say about future pregnancies? Seems yet again contraception/sterilisation is down to the woman.

Why don’t you get a coil? Or have I missed something (I think I’ve read all the posts thought). I would have thought that with two children you’d be able to find a doctor who would agree to sterilise you privately anyway.

How do you feel about femidoms?

If an individual is sure they don't want to be part of a conception, they should take the necessary steps themselves to ensure that they aren't. Male or female.

I don't think condoms are unreasonable, I just understand why people don't like them or think they won't be able to use them reliably. Either way, you can't force someone else to use them and your only way of persuading them is to refuse sex without condoms. For me, that isn't a viable alternative. I'd be deeply unhappy.

Chester, I'd have zero respect for your partner. And Kewl, if I had a partner who refused to use condoms then he'd no longer be my partner rather than my being unhappy. Who could be happy shagging someone who doesn't give a fuck about your body and expects you to shoulder all the responsibility for contraception? FFS, if he were out there dating you can be sure it would be condoms or nowt from most except fools due to STI risk.

What if you're really poor and don't have the money for private female sterilisation, Boggles? What if you don't want heavy periods associated with the copper coil or to have some foreign object shoved into your body and you both no longer want children (from the sounds of it, both of them don't want any more than three but perhaps I'm wrong).

Tell him your not taking the pill or any form of hormones after so he has a choice. He snips it, wraps it or keeps it in his pants. Surely he would prefer to wrap it and use it than not use it at all because that's his options.

@timhelthechoice

That's a perfectly valid option if you refuse sterilisation yourself. I said earlier that it would be the choice I'd make IF there were medical reasons I couldn't have surgery and I didn't want more kids and saw condoms as a lo g term option.

I think sometimes people like another poster's partner is in a position where they'd prefer not to have more kids but it isn't the end of the world for them if it happens. And it is preferable to surgery or committing to long term use of condoms.

I think it's absolutely fine for any man to not want to have a vasectomy, and I think it is never ever OK to insist he does. Nor would it be OK for a man to insist a woman be sterilised.

Contraception should be a joint responsibility and decision. See a nurse together to look at your options and make a decision from there.

@Kewlwife I guess a different way of putting it was that contraception (especially) within a long term should be a shared responsibility.
I don't think one party should just be able to wash their hands of that share of responsibility and just leave it all to the other party.
(Same as child-care, finances, driving, laundry and everything else basically).
Not that hard to understand?

I disagree that it is a shared responsibility because it is such an individual decision whether or not to be open to baby making. Relationships are not guaranteed for life so making that decision with a partner makes little sense to me. Deciding yourself and owning that decision is more logical to me.

I also decided to stop having hormones into my body and I don't get on with the coil. So condoms it is for us. I want to read up more on natural family planning (the proper version, not just counting days) but no time atm. We're also v fertile together - 3 kids each time 1st try. So condoms it is! I wouldn't want DH to get the snip tbh, he would be fine but I said no. Not worth the risk.

Men in the UK seem much more resistant to vasectomies than American men.

I wonder if that's because maternity care is expensive in America and that it's much harder to get out of paying maintenance.

"I would find it unreasonable if my partner gave me an ultimatum of surgery or condoms because they decided they didn't want more children."

Even if that partner had carried and given birth to your 2-3 children and the only viable alternative was for them to keep taking hormones (or abstinence)??

I think it is ridiculous when men are happy to let their partners birth children for them but won't have a very simple procedure to prevent further pregnancies.

I also think it's odd that more couples don't discuss this sort of thing from the outset. DH and I discussed our long term family plans quite early in our relationship. We agreed how many children we'd like and I made it clear that I wasn't going to take the pill forever and we agreed that him having the snip made sense.

He had it done within a year of our last baby being born. It was a 20 minute procedure, absolutely fine.

If a man refuses to have it done in case of potential future fertility with a new partner then you need to question your relationship.

@Applejack5

I didn't birth children for my partner. I independently wanted children, biological children, and the easiest way to do that assuming you can when you have a womb is to conceive with a male. Ideally a male partner with whom you share affection and respect, if not love. So I don't share this view that I did this for him and therefore, he owes me. If, for instance, I didn't meet the right guy, I'd have tried assisted conception with a sperm donor. So this idea of the guy owing his female partner permanent sterilising surgery because she assumed the risks of pregnancy and childbirth doesn't resonate with me. She should have done that because she genuinely and voluntarily wanted to carry a pregnancy to term.

I had my children for us as a couple, to make a family together, not just for myself.

Regardless of who you did it for, you birthed your partner's children and that's a big deal. It means you put a lot of physical effort into you both having children. How is it unreasonable to expect a man to put in a bit of effort and have the snip after that? It's a more reasonable option than expecting the woman to take the pill long term, as is using condoms.

I wonder if that's because maternity care is expensive in America and that it's much harder to get out of paying maintenance.

I think it's because it's done here with a more advanced, no scalpel technique that has a lower rate of complications than the older technique the NHS still uses.

When DH had his we both felt that two kids was all we wanted and it just came down to which one of us would get sterilized. Once he understood that my having a tubal ligation was a much bigger procedure he was brilliant about stepping up and having the vasectomy.

@YetAnotherSpartacus people think I'm joking, we used condoms twice when DC1 was born Durex XL and they were uncomfortable so he took them of! , ended up with me having to get the MAP and that is why I went on the mini pill then implant so hopefully will find a better brand online otherwise no sex, I am not going to keep being the only one to worry about getting pregnant...

Also the people telling me to get the coil, I'm not shoving something up into my uterus, just isn't for me that one thanks!

It is absolutely fine for a man to choose not to have a vasectomy.

It is absolutely fine for a woman to refuse hormones/invasive contraceptive methods.

It is ALWAYS fine for either partner to choose not to have sex.

We did the condom route for ages and he got fed up and went for the snip. It is a very final decision so not one to be taken lightly or done to appease a partner though. Just like you have the choice not to use hormones.

@Toughtips I would never force him into anything like that, but he is the one who does not want to use condoms and also wants us to have a great sex life, but when I am on contraception I have 0 sex drive I literally only get in the mood once its happening which is crap! When I am not on anything I actually want to be intimate all the time with DH but like I said we always get pregnant within a month of stopping contraception!

He is being a twat about condoms. YANBU about not wanting to keep taking hormones. YABU about 'being too young to have your tubes tied' yet insist on vasectomy for him if he doesn't want surgery either.

Hang on.

Women having babies - that's what the female body is built to do. It's quite literally as nature intended.

Having a vasectomy or being sterilised is not. They aren't comparable. Especially if he doesn't want one. And he doesn't need to offer any more justification than that.

@whoiswrongwhoisright
Have you researched femidoms? It sounds like you wouldn't mind a condom but he finds tgem uncomfortable. A lot of men who dislike condoms don't have a problem with femidoms. It could be worth a try.