To ask DH to have the snip.

[whoiswrongwhoisright]

Name changed for this.

DH & I have 2 children (currently pregnant), we are undecided on wanting a 3rd but I asked him once we have made that decision whether that be after a 3rd or not (once this baby is 1) will he have the snip as I don't want to keep putting hormones into my body (I am to young to have my tubes tied) and we are extremely fertile together, I stop contraception and get pregnant first try!

He has said No! He doesn't want to change his body, I said fine, we will have to use condoms and he refuses because they are uncomfortable.

So obviously the only other option is No sex!

What do I do? AIBU to ask DH to either get the snip or use condoms, Uncomfortable or not!

I don't know about you, but not having sex wouldn't be an option for me. Sex isn't something I do for my partner, it's something I love and desire as much as my partner. So if there was a genuine health reason I couldn't be sterilised or use other BC, and my partner refused to use condoms or be sterilised, I'd break up with them as I'd be deeply unhappy without sex and knowing this was the only obstacle.

Otherwise, if I was sure I didn't want more children, I'd exercise my right to 2nd opinions from a GP AND my right to be referred to any hospital in the UK. I'd research and find out where they are more respectful of autonomy and go there.

For example, I know someone who was very recently sterilised after 3 vaginal births (kids are 16, 2 and about 1 now). She is 33. She lives in Haringey, London and it was performed at North Middlesex Hospital. She initially spoke about it at the booking appointment of her last pregnancy and saw a doctor to confirm that of she needed a section for any reason (unlikely as she has the most ridiculously short labours, last one was born unexpectedly at home), they'd do it then and if not, they'd do it afterwards. By the time baby 3 was 12 weeks old, she had it done. But she is on benefits in an overcrowded house so maybe that swung it and she wasn't even referred for counselling.

You can be sterilised at any age and as you already have 2 children...and one on the way.. it's more likely to be agreed.

If you didn't have kids it would be different.

Have you actually spoken to a doctor about it?

@SandyY2K

It is really dependent on the GP you see. Some GPs are against it and think women are fickle and will change their tiny minds when they see their bestie have another bubba.

@Kewlwife

I'm sure it does depend on the GP, but if I was 100% sure I didn't want any more children, I'd keep pushing it and escalate via the complaints route if necessary.

I would be rather ticked off to be fobbed off by the GP.

You can’t change someone’s mind on this OP, my DH refuses to as well, either though my dad and eldest brother have told him, it’s nothing, it’s a quick operation and painless etc. But he does not want an operation, no matter how minor, if he doesn’t need it.
I respect that!
You can get the coil that is hormone free.

Agreed. I'd definitely do that over giving an ultimatum of no sex, sex with condoms or a vasectomy. The 1st 2 would hurt me (possibly more) than him.

It's not unreasonable at all for him to wear a condom. That's the obvious answer- no surgery or drugs it's just easy.
Condom refusal would be a deal breaker for me. It shows such lack of respect for our bodies for no impact on them.

@venustiger that's so sad 😔

Female condoms are also a thing. There would be no reason a woman couldn't put one in and refuse to have sex without it.

It's still a mans world.
He doesn't want to have to change his body, he expects you to do that (despite seeing you give birth etc and have huge strains on your body in pregnancy).
It's up to you if you want to stand up for your rights, or just fall into line.

I do think that men like to leave the door open in case they want to start a second family in the future with another woman, so that might be part of his resistance.

@kewlwife
No its that vasectomy is a quick easy op whereas sterilisation on women is a bigger more expensive and painful one. Surely that's obvious. You seem to have an agenda.
Also not having PIV doesn't mean not having sex. You can have sex in mahy ways that don't risk pregnancy.

@swissmilk

Could you clarify what you see to be the OPs rights here?

From my understanding, one doesn't have the right to demand that someone else has surgery but they do have the right to ensure they cannot conceive themselves.

@kewlwife what's the difference between him using a condom and her using a female condom in result though? Except female condoms are hard to get hold of, expensive and less reliable. I don't see how that's a better option for you?

So obviously the only other option is No sex!

Pretty much. You can use the pulling out method, it’s more reliable than people make out but obviously not as reliable as proper contraception. It’s definitely more reasonable for him to wear a condom than for you to take hormonal contracteption if you don’t want to. Try the no sex for now - he’ll probably give in pretty soon.

I could quite happily live with no sex so that will be my partners decision once we're done having kids - snip or no sex.

Or you could use a femidom, forgot about those.

He needs to man up.

My DH was extremely reluctant to have the snip. I had the mirena coil but I had constant heavy bleeding and it expelled itself. We then went onto condoms as the pill wasn't suitable for me. All fine until on a night away the condom split, had to get the MAP the next day.
After that, DH went to the GP and got referred for the snip.

We knew our family was complete so it was ideal for us, no more worry about contraception failures.

I think ill get a big box of xl condoms and tell him he knows were they are if he wants to be intimate

Careful OP! If they fall off you'll get pregnant...

I agree regarding sex but when I usually suggest taking PIV off of the table and focusing on oral or anal if people want to bang, others say I'm sick and oral/digital isn't real sex.

I've also found out via NHS website that you can be referred from sexual health clinics. I reckon you'd have a better chance there. It's recommended to childfree women to access that route on a few related sites that advise people who want a surgical solution to remaining childfree.

@itsbetterthanabox

They are easily available online although yes, more expensive. But considering the OP sees no sex as a viable option, I'm sure they wouldn't mind decreasing the frequency of sex to ensure it remains affordable.

@itsbetterthanabox he doesn’t refuse condoms - just the snip. I don’t think that’s sad at all. It’s his body, I don’t own it.

Ensuring a man cannot go and father a new family unit (at least a biological one) is a good way of limiting his availability to other women who are still in childbearing years.

Well that's good, he can stay focused on supporting the children he's already fathered.

There are plenty of people who have children with more than one person and manage to look after all of them well.

I don't think pressuring someone into surgery under false pretences is at all ethical. I say false pretences, because I doubt many people who feel this way would be upfront that limiting their availability for potential future partners is a motivation. I think it would be disingenuous if this is a conscious motivation for asking they have surgery but wasn't revealed.

This sounds very familiar. For 16 years with DH I have shouldered the responsibility, side effects and body changes of contraception, pregnancy and childbirth. It's all been mine to deal with. The health risks for me to take. Now after three kids DH says "no more!". That's is. We're done. I would be happy with another baby but respect my DH's wishes here. However, what I will no longer do is take any more contraceptives. I don't want to pump my body full of hormones: I don't want any foreign object implanted in my arm or shoved inside me. I also will not have major surgery.

I've told DH it's the snip, condoms or no sex. Apparently none are acceptable. He shouldn't have to do anything to his body. There are risks (yet was fine with all the risks I had to take) and he doesn't like condoms. It breaks my heart that he thinks this way, with so little respect for me, unwilling to compromise. We have been having sex but he's been using the "bc method" of withdrawing. I've told him if I get pregnant I'll not be aborting and we'll be having a bigger family. He's just burying his head in the sand though.

OP, as you don't want more kids, don't do what I am and let your DH get everything he wants like mine is. It's wrong and if I had a lower sex drive than my DH I'd take sex completely off the table.