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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed when DHs ex wife does this?

100 replies

DwightYouIgnorantSlut · 09/08/2019 15:43

I know I’m being U but need to vent and need you guys to help me snap out of it

DH was previously married to his ex wife, they were together 5 years and married 2. DH ended the marriage as his ex became more and more controlling (eg she kept hold of all the money, controlled all the finances and he had to ASK her for money if he wanted to buy something) This all started when they decided they were gonna buy a house together, and do it up. His ex wife said she’d take control of the savings and do the budgets for renovations etc and this eventually turned into DH giving her his pay check then having to ask for money back if he wanted to buy a t shirt for example. DH got sick of it and they divorced.

Fast forward to now and SIL (DHs sister) is still really close friends with DHs ex wife so we occasionally have to see her at gatherings such as bbqs, or our nieces christening. His ex wife does not like me and makes a point of ignoring me at functions but will be ALL OVER DH’s family like a rash. At DN’s christening his ex wife sidled up to my BIL and said “it’s great to see you, have you missed me at family functions?” within ear shot of me and DH. She has also said to MIL “you’ll always be my mummy in law” (gag, she’s 32 years old and talks like a child) which made MIL feel uncomfortable as it was in front of everyone.

At a bbq at my SILs last summer, my niece came up to me and said “Aunty Dwight will you come play with us” and DHs ex wife looked up and said “I’m your aunty too! What about me?” Hmm

She has also given my SIL a birthday card last year that said “to my SIL” on the front and she had written inside “from your favourite SIL ever!” Confused

Tomorrow my SIL is having a huge bbq / party for her birthday and of course DHs ex wife is going to be there. I’m dreading it. Every time she makes a comment about how she used to be a part of the family I want to slap her. DH gets annoyed too but says we just need to ignore her and I shouldn’t let it bother me but I feel like she tries to push me out of my own family.

OP posts:
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 09/08/2019 15:44

do they have kids together?

pinksquash13 · 09/08/2019 15:46

She sounds awful. I completely agree with everything you are saying but I think the only option is ignore otherwise you end up looking like the crazy one. Take the high ground. People will notice her behaviour.

Pinkout · 09/08/2019 15:46

Do they have children? If not then I just don’t understand why she is still invited to all family functions. I know some couples who were together for many years and had children together still attend their former in-law’s events but they all get along (including new partner’s) and it’s fine.

She sounds toxic and quite vile, I’m amazed any of you feel remotely comfortable with this set up. It sounds like an awful atmosphere. How does your DH feel about it?

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 09/08/2019 15:48

Oh dear. How sad. Hopefully at some point she will meet someone else and move on.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 09/08/2019 15:50

My friend does this with her XH and his partner. To be fair the partner was the OW, but still, it's years down the line now and it's done entirely to wind up the XH (who was a shit husband but is and always has been a good dad) and his partner. To push them out of his family.

I'd ignore if you can, I suspect it's probably to get a rise out of you so that if you snap and flip it with her, she can play the victim. Shell get bored or someone else will call her out.

I do see how much it would get to you, and I totally get how you feel, but if someone is looking for a reaction from me, that's the last thing they're getting!

MsVestibule · 09/08/2019 15:50

I don't know why they keep inviting her to family events! I'm still in touch with my ex-BIL (although he lives a 100 miles away so rarely see him) but would never invite him to a family party; it would be disrespectful to my sister.

However, there really isn't anything you can do about it. Everybody else will think she's doolally tap, so that's your revenge.

Original poster
DwightYouIgnorantSlut · 09/08/2019 15:50

They don’t have children. The reason she gets invited is because she’s one of SIL’s best friend’s. So when SIL has parties or occasions, me and DH get invited and so does ex wife. SIL is a social butterfly and loves having gatherings so it’s hard to avoid her and SIL thinks we “should all just get on” and it shouldn’t be awkward.

OP posts:
MzHz · 09/08/2019 15:51

Just swerve the group stuff and invite dh sister out on other occasions if you like

If they don’t have kids, (and lets be honest here, theirs wasn’t a long relationship or marriage) there is no need for her to hang on other than to control the family and be a thorn in your h side.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2019 15:51

Your husband is right, you just need to ignore it I'm afraid,

I think that your reaction that she's trying to push you out is a bit extreme. Ignore it and her.

MzHz · 09/08/2019 15:52

You have a problem SIL, somehow she’s created a bad situation for you and her own brother

Is she jealous of him/you?

SexFarmWoman · 09/08/2019 15:53

She’s being invited because they want her there obviously!

I agree with your DH, just ignore her and don’t give her a reaction.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2019 15:55

Just swerve the group stuff and invite dh sister out on other occasions if you like

That kind of is pushing the op out. Why should she and her husband miss out.

Op you just need to learn to ignore it.

Original poster
DwightYouIgnorantSlut · 09/08/2019 15:55

I don’t think it’s my SIL trying to create problems. She’s been friends with DHs ex wife for many years and actually introduced them. When they split SIL was adamant she wasn’t going to take sides as she didn’t want to lose her friend or her brother. It’s just annoying that we can’t really say no to going to her birthday party or my nieces christening for example, and because she’s such good friends with ex wife SIL doesn’t see why she shouldn’t invite her. SIL has told me she sees her as her friend, not DHs ex wife and that their marriage is all in the past and everyone has moved on.

I might feign a headache to get out of going tomorrow, I just can’t be bothered with it all.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/08/2019 15:57

You have a problem SIL, somehow she’s created a bad situation for you and her own brother

Eh? It's fine for the sister not to take sides. And they are good friends.

Op don't feign a headache, then she wins.

Jeezoh · 09/08/2019 15:57

Can you bring yourself to kill her with kindness? Enquire how’s she’s doing, offer to get her a drink at the bbq, take wind right out of her sails. Hopefully she’ll meet someone new and let go of her ex’s family but if not, just do what you can to not show her you’re bothered.

I’d also prep my H to be extra affectionate when she’s there, make out you're disgustingly happy and chilled with each other but that may not be sensible advice!

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 09/08/2019 15:57

It’s weird that after just 5 years together and no dc that the ex is like she is with his family.

She’s clearly a lonely sour, Ignore her. At the end of the day your dh left her, he didn’t want her and his moved on to happier times shame she can’t let go

Pineapplefish · 09/08/2019 16:00

She sounds annoying but I agree with Jeezoh, just keep smiling and let any irritating comments just sail over your head.

MzHz · 09/08/2019 16:02

Did your sil not SEE the financial abuse and manipulation?

Your h fell victim to a controlling and manipulative person, that is usually as a result of a dysfunctional upbringing

Not taking sides here is letting down her brother somehow- by the sounds of it, the ex is lapping this up and manipulating the entire family

I’d turn down a few invitations here and there, it’s not a matter of the ex “winning” she only wins if she makes h feel uncomfortable and/or makes you feel bad for being there.

She only “wins” if you play her game, don’t play and leave her to it, chances are she’ll eventually get bored and move on of her own accord.

RatherBeRiding · 09/08/2019 16:02

I can see how infuriating it must be. She does sound jealous that you've replaced her and is more than likely trying to get a reaction out of you.

Don't give her the satisfaction. Best bet is to rise above it and act graciously (hard though it might be) and remember that the best revenge is living well.

Any comment about how she used to be a part of the family should be met with an amused laugh.

thecatinthetwat · 09/08/2019 16:02

Oh god, this sounds awful. I think you’ve probably got two choices: ignore or don’t go.

It’s really sad on her part and totally embarrassing. It doesn’t reflect badly on you at all. But urgh, hard to ignore. It’s a shame no one is standing up to her and putting her in her place.

At my bil wedding my dh (best man) was sat next to his ex (maid of honour) and I was sat on another table (and preggers). I was quite upset at first, but I had a great table and had a really great time. You really have to take no notice, it’ll pay off. Ignore ignore ignore.

dollydaydream114 · 09/08/2019 16:02

My brother's ex-wife is still a friend of my family. My mum and sister go out to lunch with her occasionally, we all chat to her on Facebook etc. They didn't have kids together but she's a lovely person and she was a huge part of our family for a long time - she, rather than my brother, was always the one who made sure they saw us all regularly, in fact. I'm really fond of her and would always want to stay in touch because I thought of her as a sister when I was younger.

However, we wouldn't invite her to family gatherings etc because it would be really bloody weird for a) my brother and b) my brother's second wife. And she would also never expect that - I imagine she'd be horrified if we said 'Hey, how about coming to a barbecue at which you'll see your ex-husband and his second wife and have to make polite conversation with them?'

Queenofpi · 09/08/2019 16:04

I stayed good friends with my ex MIL, partially because she's my mum's best friend and partially because she's a nice lady. But I have never tried to re-infiltrate the family, certainly not in such an attention seeking way! I can understand why you want to feign headaches etc but you really shouldn't have to. Unfortunately, I can't think of any way for you to solve this without you or your husband sounding like the petty ones. You have my sympathy.

Isadora2007 · 09/08/2019 16:06

I couldn’t vote as I don’t think you’re reasonable or unreasonable really. What strikes me is that the ex was part of their lives even before she married your DH and being married to him then made her a real
Part of the family and she is maybe struggling now she is demoted again to friend of family. Stop making it a competition with her as you’ve won already and families can be added to without it being one or the other. So even if she still wants to have a role in the family that doesn’t mean she is pushing you out. That’s your issue not hers- though she sounds like she has some issues of her own.
Just be kind and be confident that you are both part of the family in different roles. She is the mother of the children and SILs friend so she has that role. It’s best for everyone if you just have a level of civility and kindness with her but you don’t need to be besties.

Jemima232 · 09/08/2019 16:06

Were you the OW?

(Maybe the marriage ended just over the money but was there an OW?)

Frouby · 09/08/2019 16:09

I would have to say something to her. Ask her if she's recieved the decree nisi and absolute etc. Or tell her she is inappropriate and silly.

Or just repeat what she has said with a bemused tone of voice. So everyone hears.

She sounds very immature.