to be annoyed when DHs ex wife does this?

[DwightYouIgnorantSlut]

I know I’m being U but need to vent and need you guys to help me snap out of it

DH was previously married to his ex wife, they were together 5 years and married 2. DH ended the marriage as his ex became more and more controlling (eg she kept hold of all the money, controlled all the finances and he had to ASK her for money if he wanted to buy something) This all started when they decided they were gonna buy a house together, and do it up. His ex wife said she’d take control of the savings and do the budgets for renovations etc and this eventually turned into DH giving her his pay check then having to ask for money back if he wanted to buy a t shirt for example. DH got sick of it and they divorced.

Fast forward to now and SIL (DHs sister) is still really close friends with DHs ex wife so we occasionally have to see her at gatherings such as bbqs, or our nieces christening. His ex wife does not like me and makes a point of ignoring me at functions but will be ALL OVER DH’s family like a rash. At DN’s christening his ex wife sidled up to my BIL and said “it’s great to see you, have you missed me at family functions?” within ear shot of me and DH. She has also said to MIL “you’ll always be my mummy in law” (gag, she’s 32 years old and talks like a child) which made MIL feel uncomfortable as it was in front of everyone.

At a bbq at my SILs last summer, my niece came up to me and said “Aunty Dwight will you come play with us” and DHs ex wife looked up and said “I’m your aunty too! What about me?”

She has also given my SIL a birthday card last year that said “to my SIL” on the front and she had written inside “from your favourite SIL ever!”

Tomorrow my SIL is having a huge bbq / party for her birthday and of course DHs ex wife is going to be there. I’m dreading it. Every time she makes a comment about how she used to be a part of the family I want to slap her. DH gets annoyed too but says we just need to ignore her and I shouldn’t let it bother me but I feel like she tries to push me out of my own family.

I know a few people who still attend their ex in-law’s events but they had children and were married for decades to their ex spouse/partner.

Your DH wasn’t even with his ex for very long and they had no children. It just seems odd to me that she’s still so involved with the family and that nobody finds this awkward or strange. I don’t think this is something most families do by any means.

I actually think this is quite shitty of the SIL. If my brother had been in a financially abusive relationship there is no way I'd stay neutral, never mind put him in a position where he needed to face the person at family gatherings.

If your SIL is aware of that, and also sees these continued comments about being an aunt, daughter in law etc then frankly the SIL is the issue.

If your sil is still inviting her then it’s possible you may not know the full story of what happened. Your DP might have had a gambling / drink / spending problem and controlling the joint finances was the only way for them to save - my cousin has this. To his new gf he says his ex was financially controlling and abusive but the whole family knows how hard she worked to stop his drug taking.

I think I would just pity her, she was part of the family and she fucked it up. This is why she makes such a big deal of saying MIL/SIL.

She isn't, she is the ex-SIL and your MIL is her ex-MIL.

In this situation I would be the bigger person and pity her, she clearly has massive issues if she needs to keep doing this.

Be fun and happy, it is all you can do. Kill them all with kindness then her and your SIL cannot say bad things about you. Just humour her like you would a child.

You could try and be nice if you can stomach it. It sounds like she is always going to be around for family stuff so why not get to know her.

Yes they had a bad breakup but you have only heard his side of the story so maybe she isn't as awful as she has been painted. I can't see how it can hurt.

Agree with PP, it all sounds very sad and embarrassing on her behalf, you need to just rise above it and ignore (a little patronising head tilt and chuckle to show her you are slightly amused and feel a bit sorry for her wouldn't go amiss)

YANBU she's clearly an awkward immature cunt. Having dealt with this type of ex in a now previous relationship which ended due to her inability to let go and move the fuck on you have my deepest sympathies.

@Jemima232 no I wasn’t the OW, there was no OW. DH was single for 2 years after the divorce and before he met me.

@Teddybear45 my DH doesn’t have a gambling problem or drink / drug addiction. He was just tired of ex wife controlling everything, especially finances. When we got engaged MIL sent me a text saying how pleased she was that DH had found someone that treated him with respect.

I am going to continue ignoring her, it just irritates me beyond belief how she behaves and as I said I’m hormonal and miserable at the moment and needed to vent!

I don’t know that she is trying to wind you up.

If she’s best friends with your SiL and has been for many years she may have a lot of ties to your DH’s family. For her, the biggest potential loss with the divorce may have been what she’d come to think of as a surrogate family. And she’s doing her best to maintain those ties not because it upsets you and DH but because she really loves the family and has enjoyed being a part of it.

I know it’s hard to ignore that type of thing (and I can see why it could upset your DH) but that is your best strategy. It isn’t a threat to you. Your position in the family isn’t diminished by it. What she’s saying and doing has no impact on you other than what you allow. So don’t allow it.

@Nousernameforme Im never horrible to ex wife. The first time I met her I went out of my way to be nice and make things as easy as possible but she was very cold to me. Which I totally get, no one wants to be friendly with their ex’s new wife. I always say hello to her when I have to see her but she’s not interested in making conversation with me. Perhaps I’ll try again to be super nice and see if she relents a bit.

Yes, you need to be the bigger person here and ignore.

YANBU.

I'd reduce the number of these gatherings you go to from now on. Yes to family Weddings, Christenings, Christmas on that side but I wouldn't feel at all bad about ducking out of tomorrow. I'd tell my DH exactly why.

SIL and MIL know what the ex is doing and that it's directed at you, a quiet word from your SIL would stop it. Where's their respect for you.

Your DH ought to man up and tell them both they can invite who they like but he won't be going either if they allow this passive aggressive behaviour towards you to continue.

Repeat absence on your part might just embarrass them all in to taking action. You going and putting and shutting up allows them all to duck out of the necessary awkward conversations that need to be had with the ex.

Life's too short, spend your time relaxing doing whatever you want tomorrow. I would!

SIL has told me she sees her as her friend, not DHs ex wife and that their marriage is all in the past and everyone has moved on.

Have you pointed out that plainly the ex hasn't moved on? And has your DH asked why exactly she wants to socialise with someone who financially abused him?

I agree with others, you're going to have to learn to ignore her.

She's doing it to get a rise out of you. And you're letting her and she knows it. Avoid being near her at gatherings as much as possible without being obvious. Other than that practice your 'indifferent' face. As with most of this type, once they realize you don't care, they'll stop.

I don’t think I could deal with this personally. It sounds like such an awkward shitty environment and she sounds desperate.

I’m still friends with ex-BIL and SIL, and love them and my ex-DNs dearly. I will always think of them as my family. I still get invited to family gatherings with DS and DIL.

But I get on well with ex-H, and if he ever turned up with a partner I would know, and stay in, my place and would never want the new partner to feel awkward.

I think your SIL is being tactless, and YANBU to be hacked off.

I'd refuse to go unless SIL tells her best friend to stop being such a complete prick.

Get DH to explain to his sister that the ex's behaviour is hurtful and embarrassing. Could she please have a word with her friend to make it stop. Perhaps mentioning how weird it is and wondering if it is sign of deeper underlying woes that her bestie should be helping her through.

I'd just ignore it.

You've done nothing wrong and i can guarantee that few others think she's loopy. I'm assuming you dont kids but if you do have them, dont let sil babysit.

If I were you, the bit that would boil my piss would be the "You'll always be my Mummy-in-law" "From your very best SIL", "I'm your auntie"- she's not a family member any more - not even removed by one degree, because there are no children - she's just SIL's friend.

Being SIL's friend is fine - but she has no reason to insist on closer relationships - she's doing it deliberately to get your goat. Don't leet her see she's succeeded.

Trust me people will notice this tragic behaviour without you having to point it out or call her out on it. Tbh by rising above it you're helping her to show herself up even more and proving that youre the better person (and partner!)

Would drive me mad too though x

I wouldn't feign a headache and send dh alone. Firstly they will all know you are faking and this kinda shows you up as the immature one. Secondly instead of being all over his family she might end up all over your husband especially as she clearly has a skewed sense of boundaries! I would take one for the team and just go. Dont let her see that it bothers you, hopefully she will find a partner soon and stop being such a Klingon. Easier said than done, I know. In a way I feel sorry for her because she clearly hasn't moved on if she is trying so hard to hold on to her ex in laws.

It’s annoying. I’ve got a very annoying ex wife situation too but with time it’s lessened.

I used to go to family gatherings and brave it out but I’m not sure you have to. Maybe go to the most important ones, build up your own relationship with ILs and just steer a big clear of SIL.

Eventually you and / or Ex will probably have kids or marry again. The natural course of things will push Ex out without you doing anything. She’s not nice otherwise she wouldn’t be being so jealous. Also she’s acting out as believe it or not you are in the most powerful position. Her position on the family is very fragile and totally reliant on SIL. Your position is current and an actual family member, not a friend and past connected.

Also I wouldn’t really care what others think of you don’t want to go. Of course it’s awkward and of course it’s not particularly pleasant. Why hide that?

Balance it well. Show ILs that you respect them enough to make the effort most of the time. But don’t feel you have to be 100%. Why should you suck it up silently?

You know what? Life is too short. She is spending way too much energy trying to get under your skin and for what? Nothing. She looks silly. YANBU to find her behaviour irritating AF. However, you have a choice; go and rise above it, or don't go and spend your afternoon doing something lovely. Either way, take comfort in the fact that both options will bother her far more than they should. If you go, she will play up to his family and look like a tool. If you don't, it will eat her alive that she can't attempt to get one over on you. Do what makes you happy. Give absolutely no fucks to people like this.