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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed when DHs ex wife does this?

100 replies

DwightYouIgnorantSlut · 09/08/2019 15:43

I know I’m being U but need to vent and need you guys to help me snap out of it

DH was previously married to his ex wife, they were together 5 years and married 2. DH ended the marriage as his ex became more and more controlling (eg she kept hold of all the money, controlled all the finances and he had to ASK her for money if he wanted to buy something) This all started when they decided they were gonna buy a house together, and do it up. His ex wife said she’d take control of the savings and do the budgets for renovations etc and this eventually turned into DH giving her his pay check then having to ask for money back if he wanted to buy a t shirt for example. DH got sick of it and they divorced.

Fast forward to now and SIL (DHs sister) is still really close friends with DHs ex wife so we occasionally have to see her at gatherings such as bbqs, or our nieces christening. His ex wife does not like me and makes a point of ignoring me at functions but will be ALL OVER DH’s family like a rash. At DN’s christening his ex wife sidled up to my BIL and said “it’s great to see you, have you missed me at family functions?” within ear shot of me and DH. She has also said to MIL “you’ll always be my mummy in law” (gag, she’s 32 years old and talks like a child) which made MIL feel uncomfortable as it was in front of everyone.

At a bbq at my SILs last summer, my niece came up to me and said “Aunty Dwight will you come play with us” and DHs ex wife looked up and said “I’m your aunty too! What about me?”

She has also given my SIL a birthday card last year that said “to my SIL” on the front and she had written inside “from your favourite SIL ever!”

Tomorrow my SIL is having a huge bbq / party for her birthday and of course DHs ex wife is going to be there. I’m dreading it. Every time she makes a comment about how she used to be a part of the family I want to slap her. DH gets annoyed too but says we just need to ignore her and I shouldn’t let it bother me but I feel like she tries to push me out of my own family.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2019 17:04

I don’t think it’s worth your dh mentioning it to your sil. She will see this as manipulation and sour grapes.

How does your mil react to her? Fil?

SillyBillyBandy · 09/08/2019 17:13

Does she have a partner? If not I think I'd ask her 'still single?' Sympathetic head tilt. 'Anyone on the horizon?' Worried stare. 'I'm still your auntie too!' 'So lovely you still think of the girls as family' warm smile and arm touch.

Make her uncomfortable!

RedAntsBiteHard · 09/08/2019 17:21

I'm another one for "killing her with kindness" . Without a doubt those around will be reading her interactions as being inappropriate.

She's the one who should be feeling uncomfortable not you, time to own the situation and leave her in no doubt that you're the one in control of your life and you and your DH are loved up and happy irrespective of her attempts at side lining you.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2019 17:25

I don't understand the whole don't go. The only one who suffers there is the op. She's already said she feels like she's being pushed out. Not going means she is.

Her husband is right, she needs to ignore it. Isolating herself, not going to big events like the birthday party tomorrow isn't going to stop the ex going, it's just going to make the op feel worse. She won't feel like she's being pushed out. She will feel she has been pushed out.

Winterlife · 09/08/2019 17:30

Go to functions and ignore her. She is miserable to you because she wants to get under your skin. Enjoying yourself and showing you are not bothered by her tactics will upset her more than if you don't show up, or try to be friendly. Those things prove to her that you are "desperate". In your shoes, I would at every function make a point of kissing my husband, holding his hand, lingering on his arm. That will annoy her far more than if you speak to her, or ignore her.

flappi · 09/08/2019 17:30

Oh my god don’t you think this woman is so sad and pathetic to keep bringing up her failed marriage and hanging about with her ex in laws ?shes really pathetic and needs to get a life !!!

If I were you I’d only feel sorry for her . She’s obviously deluded and embarrassing herself . Ignore her x

Coyoacan · 09/08/2019 17:32

It sounds like the only person who likes the ex-wife is the SIL, who is perfectly entitled to invite her friend to her events.

I wouldn't pay any attention to her shinnanigans, if I were you.

LightDrizzle · 09/08/2019 17:39

I can see it’s annoying but I think her lack of subtlety would help me in your shoes. She looks pretty tragic behaving as she does.
I think it’s fine for SIL to invite a very old and close friend to her own gatherings. It’s ExW’s behaviour that is unreasonable. You are right to continue to ignore. It is done to annoy you and to try and edge you out.
A total lack of reaction or visible animosity on your part is NOT what she wants, and you keep the moral high ground.

Ginkeepsmesane · 09/08/2019 18:16

If it was me, I'd just gently say 'Oh dear' and have a look of concern on your face when she says about being and Aunty/SiL/DiL. Then corner SIL at the event and tell her you're concerned about how lonely the ex-wife must be- as she obviously can't let go of the in laws and the role she once had.
Then just pretend that you think maybe you shouldnt come to your SiLs events if it's such hard going on ex-wife.
SiL will have no option then but to be open with you or completely brush it under the carpet. Either way, it's out in the open, but you're not the bad guy.
You might even get to miss in law functions on the basis of being concerned for ex-wife. Win-win I say!

sailorcherries · 09/08/2019 18:21

Even if the split had been amicable and everyone remained on friendly terms with the ex it would be weird for someone to constantly bring up their failed marriage at least 3-4 years after the divorce/separation. You can remain friends without constantly bringing up past ties.

The ex is being weird and guaranteed everyone knows it. She isn't related to the family anymore, your MIL is not her MIL, you are the auntie not her, your SIL is not her SIL. She sounds like someone who would make a fuss if anyone called her out on this, which is why people just look awkward instead.

I would go, be polite as you have been and ignore it. Eventually she'll either tire herself out with the whole charade or she'll find a partner and they'll find it bloody weird.

What is evident is that a few posters have a thing about second wives. OP posts that her husband was in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship and she is asked if she was the OW, told it may have been her husband's own doing and to try to become friendly with the ex. If a woman posted that her ex (who she split up with due to emotional and financial abuse) was friendly with her brother, turned up at family events and made constant references to their past family ties which in turn made her current husband uncomfortable she would not be asked if current husband was the OM, did the wife have a gambling/drug addiction leading to the financial abuse and advised that her husband should become friends with the ex.

quitefranklyivehadenough · 09/08/2019 18:29

Feeling your pain! My DP's ExW invites herself to funerals. They were only married just over a year and she invited herself to both his parents funerals. I'm lucky I that she never gets invited by DP's family to anything else but she still sends a monthly update e mail to his family about their son-he was 18 last birthday 😂😂.
Smile and have enough wine to make it bearable. This is actually her problem not yours xxx

ILearnedItFromABook · 09/08/2019 18:55

I think it's very rude of your SIL to invite her brother ExW to so many gatherings. Sure, she's free to keep her in her life as a good friend even a best friend but how many adults always invite family and friends to the same gatherings, unless it's a very special occasion (wedding, big birthday or anniversary)?

It sounds like she's being deliberately obtuse because it suits her to have her friend there. Surely she's seen and heard some of these very awkward moments (which make it clear that ExW hasn't actually moved on at all). It seems like she won't suddenly develop common sense and courtesy, but I think she's being selfish.

I wouldn't blame you for avoiding some of the gatherings, but at the same time I don't know if I could let her think she had "won" but pushing me out-- and I feel confident she'd be pleased to notice that you'd stopped attending these BBQs and parties.

At least you can be sure that no right-thinking person would witness ExW's behaviour and think better of her for it. You should have everyone on your side (except perhaps your ridiculous SIL who likes to live in Pretend Land, where everyone gets along beautifully no matter what their history).

Heartburn888 · 09/08/2019 19:20

She sounds like an absolute muppet and needs to move on and stop coming to family events

PanamaPattie · 09/08/2019 19:21

Next time you see her, do a head tilt and ask her she's seeing someone "special" yet.

NoSauce · 09/08/2019 19:25

She sounds a ruddy pest. Would you be able to actually ignore her? Big smile, bright and breezy, having lots of fun and just totally blank her?

NoLeopard · 09/08/2019 19:32

She sounds lacking in self-esteem and needing validation. She 's not only lost a husband but the wider family as well and obviously still wants to be part of it. I think I would just feel sorry for her really but try to ignore her. It's not like she's trying to get her ex-husband back. Have you ever heard her side of the story? Sometimes it helps to understand where someone's coming from and your irritation might subside somewhat.

Lucifer666 · 09/08/2019 19:42

OP you're most definitely not BU here! I wouldn't blame you for not going to every function, sounds like the ex just can't let go and move on so she's doing this to you to make herself feel better since she no longer has DIL/SIL status. I wouldn't call her out as such because you'll be painted as the bad guy but going along and putting on a happy face will piss her off more specially when she sees you aren't bothered. I'd go along and do subtle stuff to piss her off like saying "oh hi how are you don't you look nice" then rather than wait for a response go talk to your MIL and act like nothing is the matter if she insists that she's also still auntie as well suggest it to her "oh you go play with them then" then make sure you go have a nice chat with SIL about what a nice bbq/party she's thrown and how you're really enjoying yourself and look forward to the next one she has I guarantee you that will make the ex absolutely seethe that she might kick off and show her true colours so everyone will see it or she'll stop when she realises it doesn't work and leave you alone.

Parttimewasteoftime · 09/08/2019 19:43

Tough one but yes you have to fake it OP or she wins. As others said people will see her trying to be part of the family a bit 😬
Sorry but do you want children will Daddy's ex wife calling Gran MIL etc would that not be a bit awkward? How do you get on with SIL?

Chickychoccyegg · 09/08/2019 19:45

how long have you and your dh been together ? she sounds a right pain

Cloudyapples · 09/08/2019 19:54

How long have you and dh been together? I’m guessing if they had split 2 years before you met him then it’s now been a really long time since their marriage ended? Shouldn’t she have moved on by now? Has she not met anyone else since?

boosterrooster · 09/08/2019 20:03

She sounds pathetic. I'm cringing for her.

Fair enough if your SIL still remains friends with her but does she really need to invite her to so many family events? Knowing you'll be there? I think she ought to have a bit more respect for you, especially given how the ex is behaving.

Hopefully the ex will find a new man soon and clear off. I'd need copious amounts of wine to get through an event with an ex wife like that. Good on you for surviving so many so far!

Cherrysoup · 09/08/2019 20:06

I couldn't help myself, I'd have to say 'But you're NOT the auntie/dil, are you' Every single fucking time.

I do think your sil needs to be made aware that her friend is being a pita with the co nstant 'I'm faaaamily' moaning. She could have a word with her mate and stop asking her to so many family days out, given how uncomfortable it's making you. Possibly your DH could also have words

user1480880826 · 09/08/2019 20:07

It sounds like she needs some professional help to help her move on. She’s created a weird fake life for herself. I’m guessing she’s single since she’s still so obsessed with her exH family.

user1471590586 · 09/08/2019 20:14

Could you have a word with your MIL about it? If she also is uncomfortable with the ex turning up she could have a word with SIL. I don't see why your SIL keeps having friends and family at the same BBQ, can she not do separate ones? It's disrespectful to your husband, you and your MIL.

Mammatino · 09/08/2019 20:18

Bloody desperado. The marriage failed and your DH doesn't want her, your mil will not want her. As PP have said, be nice and friendly, it's her issue really poor sad cow.

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