Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to be annoyed when DHs ex wife does this?

100 replies

DwightYouIgnorantSlut · 09/08/2019 15:43

I know I’m being U but need to vent and need you guys to help me snap out of it

DH was previously married to his ex wife, they were together 5 years and married 2. DH ended the marriage as his ex became more and more controlling (eg she kept hold of all the money, controlled all the finances and he had to ASK her for money if he wanted to buy something) This all started when they decided they were gonna buy a house together, and do it up. His ex wife said she’d take control of the savings and do the budgets for renovations etc and this eventually turned into DH giving her his pay check then having to ask for money back if he wanted to buy a t shirt for example. DH got sick of it and they divorced.

Fast forward to now and SIL (DHs sister) is still really close friends with DHs ex wife so we occasionally have to see her at gatherings such as bbqs, or our nieces christening. His ex wife does not like me and makes a point of ignoring me at functions but will be ALL OVER DH’s family like a rash. At DN’s christening his ex wife sidled up to my BIL and said “it’s great to see you, have you missed me at family functions?” within ear shot of me and DH. She has also said to MIL “you’ll always be my mummy in law” (gag, she’s 32 years old and talks like a child) which made MIL feel uncomfortable as it was in front of everyone.

At a bbq at my SILs last summer, my niece came up to me and said “Aunty Dwight will you come play with us” and DHs ex wife looked up and said “I’m your aunty too! What about me?”

She has also given my SIL a birthday card last year that said “to my SIL” on the front and she had written inside “from your favourite SIL ever!”

Tomorrow my SIL is having a huge bbq / party for her birthday and of course DHs ex wife is going to be there. I’m dreading it. Every time she makes a comment about how she used to be a part of the family I want to slap her. DH gets annoyed too but says we just need to ignore her and I shouldn’t let it bother me but I feel like she tries to push me out of my own family.

OP posts:

BillywilliamV · 09/08/2019 20:19

How about feeling sorry for the poor cow, she obviously ain’t moving on like she ought to..

Curlysue2019 · 09/08/2019 20:36

Op a close friend had this situation - really desperate behaviour - she eventually brought it to a head by saying something like are you OK exdw you don't need to keep embarrassing yourself like this. Move on and have some self respect - cue massive tantrum from exdw and some very direct conversation with in laws -worth considering

ZzzMarchhare · 09/08/2019 20:41

Does your DN like frozen? Buy them a toy that plays ‘Let if go’ and every time she starts set the toy off and humm along

Butchyrestingface · 09/08/2019 20:49

Eh? It's fine for the sister not to take sides. And they are good friends.

How is it okay? She was financially controlling according to OP. Would anyone be okay with that if it were a man doing the controlling of his wife?

It's one thing not to take sides in any case and another thing to expect your brother to have to regularly socialise with the woman he was once briefly married to at family events and so on. Especially when she likes to put on a bit of a show of family ties.

magpiecounter · 09/08/2019 20:50

@MzHz DH and I have a similar length relationship and two kids... we were fast workers and DS was not quite planned three months after meeting!

Original poster

DwightYouIgnorantSlut · 09/08/2019 21:03

We’ve been together 4.5 years and got hitched towards the end of last year.

Ex wife has had boyfriends since but nothing super serious or long lasting as far as I’m aware. She’s never brought a partner to the gatherings my SIL plans and she’s lived alone since the divorce. I do feel sorry for her in some ways but I also wish she’d grow up a bit.

In the next 9 months we have SILs birthday bbq (tomorrow), SILs fiancés birthday party, youngest nieces birthday and SILs annual Christmas party 🙄 I’m probably just annoyed knowing I’ll be seeing ex wife so much, SIL is incapable of having small quiet gatherings and has to turn everything into an event meaning everyone and their dog gets invited. I’m just going to continue to ignore and bite my tongue.

OP posts:

UserX · 09/08/2019 21:03

Bollocks to not taking sides, SIL has taken sides with a woman who treated her brother badly. Not taking sides would mean still being friendly with the ex & seeing her on that basis, not inviting her to family events and tolerating her behavior. Every time SIL does so, she takes the ex’s side.

Personally I wouldn’t spend time with anyone who treated me like that—SIL and Ex are both behaving badly here. Life’s too short for difficult people.

billy1966 · 09/08/2019 21:05

@SillyBillyBandy

What she said👍.

Very sad.

If your SIL knows that his Ex-wife abused him and she insists on staying neutral, she is not nice. At all.

She's a shite sister and certainly not your friend.

You have every right to point out to her how disloyal it is to her brother.

I think your husband should also say it to his sister.

Perhaps if you give some things a miss and cite this as the reason ie. " he doesn't particularly want to socialise with his abuser".

Of course I understand if you'd all rather ignore the elephant in the room, but I think his sister is a bitch to force her need for happy clappy on her brother.

Not kind.

Thehop · 09/08/2019 21:08

Arrive late and tell her you went back to bed.

Cherrysoup · 09/08/2019 21:10

Perhaps if you give some things a miss and cite this as the reason ie. " he doesn't particularly want to socialise with his abuser".

And add in 'There's a very valid reason why he divorced her, you know.'

Her constant inveigling herself in would annoy the shit out of me. Involving the mil sounds like a great idea as she clearly isn't fond of the exw.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 09/08/2019 21:10

I've said YABU because he's right, you just need to ignore her. You can't change her behaviour, you can't change the fact that she's close friends with his sister and you can't change the fact that his family stay in contact with her. All you can change is how you respond to it all.

Cloudyapples · 09/08/2019 21:12

They were together 5 years? So if my maths is right they’ve been split up now for longer than they were ever together? And you’ve almost been with him as long as she was?

TitsInAbsentia · 09/08/2019 21:15

"I only come to all of these gatherings to see if you've found someone to love you yet"...

Original poster

DwightYouIgnorantSlut · 09/08/2019 21:17

@Cloudyapples Yep. Honestly I don’t think she even wants DH back, she just has this odd attachment to his family.

OP posts:

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 09/08/2019 21:18

Poor, insecure woman. Does she realize what a fool she's making of herself? Your in-laws - SiL excepted - are probably quite embarrassed by her behaviour but are too kind to tell her so. IMO, their tactfulness is doing this woman quite the disservice and she'll possibly look back one day and cringe at herself.

DH isn't coming back to her, and this is the last card she has to play. Time and longevity will take care of this particular problem. You need do nothing; just stay detached, keep your dignity, and if she chooses to sacrifice hers through pursuing a futile cause, so be it. You can't control her behaviour, only your own, and your best course is to take the high road here. This will be realized ultimately, even if it doesn't seem that way now.

I suspect your PiLs have got the measure of her alright. Reading your post I actually feel quite sorry for her!

Original poster

DwightYouIgnorantSlut · 09/08/2019 21:18

@TitsInAbsentia I wish I had the balls to say that! I’m a bit of a wimp when it comes to confrontation

OP posts:

Cantthinkofanythingrightnow · 09/08/2019 21:19

Can I be really nosy and ask if you're planning to try for DC? I'm just very curious as to how she'd react to him/her...

Original poster

DwightYouIgnorantSlut · 09/08/2019 21:30

@cantthinkofanythingrightnow yes we are in the process of adopting actually. We are fairly early on in the process and actually our social worker had to contact ex wife as part of our references. Ex wife was asked if she had any concerns around DH being around children and she said no. We asked SIL to pass on our thanks to her for being cooperative and sending the reference back quickly but never heard anything back about it. I will say thank you in person tomorrow as this will be the first time we have seen her since.

OP posts:

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 09/08/2019 21:35

Your SIL is being very disrespectful to her brother and you. In an ideal world everyone would get on and hold no grudges but this clearly isn't the case. The DSis needs to put other people's feelings first and either stop inviting the ex or have a word with her!
Your MiL obviously loves you so stay close to her and your DH and let the stupid ex see how much they love you. Don't not go!!

MachineBee · 10/08/2019 08:11

Good luck with the adoption.

JellyNo15 · 10/08/2019 08:24

I feel a bit sorry for her as she sounds lonely. She is obviously no bitch as she was compliant around adoption reference and she doesn't sound like she flirts with your DH. Still she is not your problem. I would give a symathy smile when she does her needed act.

TriciaH87 · 10/08/2019 08:51

I would say yep you were and then you got controlling so he binned you off for an upgrade and now this is my family not yours then smile and walk away.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/08/2019 12:14

She is obviously no bitch as she was compliant around adoption reference and she doesn't sound like she flirts with your DH

Maybe she had the foresight to realize that her party invitations were bound to dry up if she offended the family by standing in the way of that process. Her actions are not benign, but evidently spring from a place of great insecurity, a reluctance to give up the in-law family she thought she had, and the belief (probably correct) that her place in that family was being usurped.

SiL is also the problem here. I doubt it would have made much difference who the OP's DH married: SiL is obviously in thrall to her long-time friend and wishes she were still her SiL. Either way I would find her behaviour more offensive than that of the desperate ex. The MiL is also clearly uncomfortable with the situation and supportive of the OP.

As a PP wrote, the OP has already won. You have to think the ex is going to tire of the game eventually. To an extent, she is to be pitied. The SiL, not so much.

You have to think she'll eventually tire of the game

MzHz · 10/08/2019 15:18

magpiecounter (love the name! Love magpies, have loooooaaads here :) )

Absolutely understand that, your relationship was clearly right, and it just works, op h and ex didn’t. In terms of divorce laws for example, theirs would have been deemed as a short marriage and therefore division of assets would not be an automatic 50/50 if he came into the relationship with more than she did or vice verse.

She’s clinging on, SIL is perpetuating contact between her brother and the woman who made his life a misery. I wonder why that is. The combination of sad abusive hanger on and SIL determination to keep the woman present is unnerving.

MzHz · 10/08/2019 15:19

Versa.. auto correct

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread