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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should rehome the dog?

147 replies

CalliopeCat · 09/08/2019 12:06

Please read the full post before you judge.

I live with my mum as her carer. She has a terrier and I have a cat. Her dog has attacked my cat multiple times despite trying to keep them apart with baby gates and such.

The dog got upstairs this morning and grabbed my cat again. Cat had lost a tooth, is on painkillers and is very shocked but the vet thinks there's no more serious injuries. I have to keep a close eye on her just in case. She is laid on her cat bed and doesn't want to move ☹️

Mums condition is slowly getting worse to the point where she's spending time in hospital. The dog hardly gets walked and constantly pisses in the house. (Male dog, neutered)

I try to walk the dog but he's big/solid and I'm very petite- he's pulled me over in the past and is basically uncontrollable. I've tried to train him but mum spoils him and it doesn't stick. Last time he pulled me over I really hurt my shoulder and I'm scared to try walking him again. We also have gates on every outside door because dog will try to escape at any given moment.

Dog has also jumped on my neice who is four and scratched her.

I think it's time to rehome rhe dog somewhere more suitable. Mum thinks I should rehome my cat but that won't solve the rest of the problems like the pissing or the escaping.

Moving out isn't an option for me at the moment. I can only work part time due to the caring responsibilities and I don't have enough saved for my own place currently.

I sat in the taxi to the vets this morning and cried because I just don't know what to do. Please help me.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 10/08/2019 10:30

Flat sounds great. I really hope you love it and this is the start of better things for you.

Original poster
CalliopeCat · 11/08/2019 18:51

Sorry for not updating. I had to wait until I was somewhere with Internet.

Cat seems okay but she's very clingy and has started sleeping on me which she hardly ever does. I'm really worried about her and scared for tomorrow. I just want her to be okay. My sister is taking her to her vet tomorrow morning and if there's anything horrible going on we'll know then.

Mum isn't speaking to me because she's taken me saying that the dog needs training or rehoming as he needs to be put to sleep which I've never said.

I don't want to give a precise location but I'm near Peterlee. Still in a hotel while I get some stuff sorted.

OP posts:
ifpossible · 11/08/2019 19:10

Don’t go back. If you do you will end up trapped in a life of misery forever. Is this the reason why your sister lives so far away perhaps?

Whosorrynow · 11/08/2019 19:26

Mum isn't speaking to me
sounds like a result, let her stew, it's not your problem :)

RightOnTheEdge · 11/08/2019 19:31

I'm glad you and your cat have got out and are somewhere peaceful.
I know you said you are close to your Mum but she is being really selfish and treating you horribly.
The studio flat or living at Uni sound great.
Look after yourself OP. Do what is best for you.

MsMarvellous · 11/08/2019 19:37

Ah. I'm a bit further north than you so probably out of reach for the place. But good luck!

QuickThinkOfAName · 11/08/2019 19:39

Oh op. Just read your whole thread. I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice I just wanted to say you're amazing. Idon't think I could have coped at 18 with any of this.

The studio flat sounds promising. Please don't go back somewhere where you are screamed at.

Hope all goes well tomorrow with the vet. Poor little cat

Puddingmama2017 · 11/08/2019 20:04

I was a young carer too, from 15 to 19. I really feel for you because I remember how tough it was.

Just so you know, you sound bloody wonderful and you need to give yourself so much respect for handling all this the way you have, I know I wouldn’t have coped myself.

Sending lots of good wishes for your cat, and you. Flowers

Teacakeandalatte · 11/08/2019 20:18

Sorry to read your story OP. If my dd who is now 15, was your age I wouldn't want her to be stuck being my carer unless there was genuinely no other option. She dreams of going to uni and getting a good job one day and it would be sad if she couldn't do that. Of course sometimes there is no other choice and some people might like to be a carer but it's very sad when someone gets forced into doing it through circumstances and isn't really happy with that. If your dream is to go to uni and get a good job I hope you can do that and your mum can get the care she needs provided.

TwoPupsandaHamster · 11/08/2019 20:48

Thank you for the update OP. I'm pleased you are out of that environment. Hopefully your mum will see sense and rehome the poor dog to someone who can give the dog a better life than it currently has.

Concentrate on yourself now OP. Wishing you all the luck in the world for your future 🍀

Original poster
CalliopeCat · 11/08/2019 22:16

@MsMarvellous Can you send me it anyway please?

Thank you for the support and encouragement everyone x

It has really helped. I'm still scared of what the vet will say tomorrow but my sister has just sent me a little video of cat wolfing down some chicken so that's making me feel better. It's the first night I've spent without her since I got her as a kitten. She was 4 weeks old and her mum had rejected her so I raised her.

I'm hoping to be accepted at Durham to study psychology... If not I've also applied to Sunderland and Newcastle unis. I really wanted to do York but it cost too much with the accommodation and stuff.

OP posts:
LaBelleSauvage123 · 11/08/2019 22:35

So you’ve got the added pressure of results on Thursday OP? The very best of luck - I take my hat off to you for being able to study for A levels ( and obviously get very high predicted grades) with everything else you have to do. My DS is also applying for Psychology, though he’s taking a gap year - Newcastle is his top choice so far.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/08/2019 23:17

"I walked out. Got a bag and my cat and some stuff and just walked out. I'm in a local hotel and my sister is coming in the morning. Not sure if I'm going to with her or what at this point. I've been considering living in at uni anyway but couldn't because of my cat so that's an option."
Honestly, I think this was the best you could do in the circumstances, having them both screaming at you. Your mum is being really very very unfair to you. She wants you to pay half the bills, whilst she gets to call all the shots - err, no. She wants you to care for her dog, whilst undermining your attempts to train it. It's a big dog, and you don't have the physical strength to subdue it, so again - no.

"Mum isn't speaking to me"
Silver linings! This will actually allow you some headspace to think about what you want to do.

You are 18 with your life ahead of you. University beckons. Go. Your mum and her non-resident partner are adults who will just have to step up and behave like adults. Arrange for proper care, both of your mother and her dog. This is THEIR responsibility, NOT YOURS. You say you're still in a hotel, can you go to your sister's until you start uni? I really feel it is in your best interests not to go back, as your mother is likely to pressure you to do what she wants again, regardless of your wants and needs.

Your mum is an adult. Leave her to step up and be an adult. Keep some distance between yourself and her, for your own sake. You are important. Centre your own needs first. I suspect you have centred her needs for far longer than is healthy for you - and that's her fault too.

MsMarvellous · 12/08/2019 06:10

Of course @CalliopeCat. It's www.foundationsfurniture.co.uk/

They aren't far from the Redheugh bridge into Newcastle. They have loads of stuff and are really lovely people. I've donated to and bought from them before.

Good luck for your exam results. Please let us know how you get on. I'm rooting for you

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 12/08/2019 06:23

Good luck op. I have RA also & although my dcs (similar ages to you) do need to help me now & again I wouldn’t expect them to it their lives on hold for me. Best thing for you is to live away. Your mum should not be shouting at you when you do so much. Cake hope your cat will be ok.

Good luck for Thursday!

Rightwayup · 12/08/2019 06:37

Please please take this opportunity to live your own life. Do not go back as you will be trapped for ever

Original poster
CalliopeCat · 12/08/2019 18:34

Cali cat got the all clear at the vets this morning. She's still very unsettled and is clinging to my sister but there is no damage done apart from the teeth she lost.

I have a viewing on Wed for a small house. It's really nice inside and they accept pets. It's £275 a month which sounds loads but if I up my hours at work and I'm careful with my student loan it's doable. Also closer to the bus route I need (though I'm taking driving lessons and should be able to book my test before Christmas!)

I'm excited and scared in equal measure.

OP posts:
Original poster
CalliopeCat · 12/08/2019 18:36

Oh and I can't go to my sister's because I need to be here for work. The hotel is cheap though so I can stay for a bit longer.

OP posts:
GotToGoMyOwnWay · 13/08/2019 06:02

That’s good news about your cat. Good luck - you’re doing amazing well for someone so young.

stayathomer · 13/08/2019 06:31

Mum isn't speaking to me because she's taken me saying that the dog needs training or rehoming as he needs to be put to sleep which I've never said.
Starting with this because from your OP I'd decided you hated the dog and were looking for a way to get it out. Hugs to you on it all and best of luck and I hope your mum gets everything sorted. While the dog sounds tough going it's her comfort and her pet so I understand. As for the cat the dog may have been territorial which isn't great but he's an animal and the cat wasn't part of his life. Also as for not being able to walk the dog I'm so sorry but that could just be you and someone else might be able to walk the dog no problem. Definitely recommend that your mum gets a bit of outside help, if there's a charity that provides animal help ( I think the loss of her dog would do more harm than good) and also if she can get some carer hours because you sound like y o u need a break and y o ure probably both in a bit of a rut at the moment. Best of luck op

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 13/08/2019 08:39

That's good news about your cat and I hope that you can move on from this and live your own life.

I can understand how you feel about the dog as my Mum had a very strong dog who pulled me over and damaged my back and I'm certainly not petite. I refused to walk her in the end as I wasn't putting myself at risk for the dog.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/08/2019 17:57

Glad to hear that your cat's OK @CalliopeCat. And that you are planning your future. You sound very sensible. Best wishes for uni.

QuickThinkOfAName · 14/08/2019 18:04

So glad your cats ok.

How'd the viewing go for the new place?

I have all my fingers crossed for a lovely new place and results tomorrow Thanks

Spudlet · 14/08/2019 18:05

I’m really glad your cat is ok op. I think you’re doing the right thing.

When I was looking at houseshares at uni, there were a few that took animals. I think sometimes student landlords are a bit more relaxed because by definition student houses tend to take a bit of punishment anyway! Also, students are often at home more so separation anxiety may be less of an issue. So don’t rule out a house share or similar for uni. Admittedly we’re going back a few years now mind you 👵🏻 Grin

Good luck with your results and everything else. You sound like a very sensible young woman, and more than ready for the next big thing in your life. Rooting for you here.

Original poster
CalliopeCat · 14/08/2019 21:06

Thank you!

I'm missing her like mad but she's quite happy with my sister and is getting spoiled rotten by my neices. My sister says she seems fine and is eating well which makes me feel better.

The viewing has been pushed back to tomorrow! I'm disappointed but I'm sure it'll work out.

I just want to get out if the hotel and into a proper house! If I can't get in by the weekend then I've asked work for holidays and will be going to my sister's.

I've never had this much freedom. I had a long soak in the bath today which was amazing. At mums I'd normally get disturbed by something.

OP posts: