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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should rehome the dog?

147 replies

CalliopeCat · 09/08/2019 12:06

Please read the full post before you judge.

I live with my mum as her carer. She has a terrier and I have a cat. Her dog has attacked my cat multiple times despite trying to keep them apart with baby gates and such.

The dog got upstairs this morning and grabbed my cat again. Cat had lost a tooth, is on painkillers and is very shocked but the vet thinks there's no more serious injuries. I have to keep a close eye on her just in case. She is laid on her cat bed and doesn't want to move ☹️

Mums condition is slowly getting worse to the point where she's spending time in hospital. The dog hardly gets walked and constantly pisses in the house. (Male dog, neutered)

I try to walk the dog but he's big/solid and I'm very petite- he's pulled me over in the past and is basically uncontrollable. I've tried to train him but mum spoils him and it doesn't stick. Last time he pulled me over I really hurt my shoulder and I'm scared to try walking him again. We also have gates on every outside door because dog will try to escape at any given moment.

Dog has also jumped on my neice who is four and scratched her.

I think it's time to rehome rhe dog somewhere more suitable. Mum thinks I should rehome my cat but that won't solve the rest of the problems like the pissing or the escaping.

Moving out isn't an option for me at the moment. I can only work part time due to the caring responsibilities and I don't have enough saved for my own place currently.

I sat in the taxi to the vets this morning and cried because I just don't know what to do. Please help me.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 09/08/2019 15:23

Oh OP, that's really sad for you 😕. And it doesn't even solve the dog problem - his lack of training and exercise means your house will still smell of wee and the dog will continue to lead a pretty miserable existence.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 09/08/2019 15:26

I've cried so much today I've given myself a migraine

You poor love. You need a rest and a weekend. Are you having to work or can you switch off?

bodgeitandscarper · 09/08/2019 16:38

Agree with Rookiemere; your mother is being selfish keeping the dog when she can't meet his needs. At least the immediateproblem of the cat is sorted, I hope your mother sees sense soon foe everyone's sake.

My mother has severe RA too, she has three dogs and exercises them by training them to walk beside her mobility scooter. If you got the help of a professional to train him, then maybe it could be something that your mother could do? It givesmy mother a huge amount of pleasure and a purpose to life.

SummerInTheVillage · 09/08/2019 16:44

Get the dog put down and tell your mother it escaped. You can't go on like this and she's being totally unreasonable.

Whosorrynow · 09/08/2019 16:51

Get the dog put down and tell your mother it escaped
this, I would do this^

Nothingoriginalhere · 09/08/2019 18:16

please do not put the dog down for these reasons,he is just clearly very bored and frustrated.We are currently owned by our 2nd Airedale and they can be absolute buggers if not kept in check by training,exercise and activity.
they actually need more mental stimulation than physical exercise so treats hidden, puzzles empty plastic bottles all occupy and tire them out if you could try that sort of thing in the mean time.
There are loads of dedicated Airedale groups on facebook, who will help you. I would offer but an literally about to fly to spain for 2 weeks and I think you need a solution before then.
An airedale is not the kind of dog to happily do anything like walk alongside a mobilityscooter as they prefer to choose routes/ speeds etc and can pull a lot - we use a halti which works brilliantly if you could get one
There are so many people who would love to help you, who know the breed and how to get the most of the relationship between Dale and human
Good Luck

SummerInTheVillage · 09/08/2019 18:21

OP doesn't have time for all that, @Nothing. She just needs the dog out of the house now.

sunnydaysareheretoday · 09/08/2019 18:37

Can't believe some people are seriously trying to say who owns the house?! As if the dog should come before OP and she should move out because of a dog?! Bonkers! Ops mum cannot look after the dog so it should be rehomed. Anyone with half a brain cell could work that out.

Nothingoriginalhere · 09/08/2019 18:42

suggesting that OP should euthanize a healthy non aggressive dog is helpful either ( chasing cats doesnt count as it's a breed trait - they were bred to chasr, capture and kill small animals.
they were suggestions for now - it takes 2 seconds to give the dog an empty plastic bottle to pkay with - will keep him occupied for 20/30 mins and tire him out.

Nothingoriginalhere · 09/08/2019 18:42

Sorry NOT helpful

Belenus · 09/08/2019 19:15

I don't think it's fair to tell the OP what she's doing isn't good enough given that it's clearly quite a difficult situation all around, and she's young to be in the position of having to care for a parent.

This. The OP is 18 and caring for a chronically ill parent. She doesn't need to have to police access to every single room in the house. Terriers are quick and clever. I've know dogs much smaller than an Airedale go over a 4 foot fence. Getting between a terrier and its prey is a nightmare. They are very tenacious dogs.

Good that your sister can take the cat OP, that hopefully eases one sense of worry. Since your mum's condition is chronic I think talking seriously about rehoming is reasonable. Airedales are very strong and all terriers need a lot of exercise, more so than some much bigger dogs. If your mum genuinely cares about the dog she should see that as hard as it will be for her, it is in the dog's best interests. Good luck OP. I hope you get the support you need.

ShawshanksRedemption · 09/08/2019 19:19

Ah, @CalliopeCat, it sounds like a tough situation all round. I think you need to talk to your mum, because at the end of the day, she can no longer look after the dog. I know your mum will no doubt find that tough, giving up her dog, but it's not fair on him. He's obviously distressed the way he is weeing everywhere, and that can't continue as it's unhygienic. Giving the Airedale Rescues a call would be a good move.

Soubriquet · 09/08/2019 19:25

I was going to say you can’t insist on someone rehoming their pet but in this case the dog needs to be rehomed

Not just for the cat

But it’s not fair on the dog either. He needs to be walked daily or the behaviour he is showing won’t go

He will continue to wee in everything too

Original poster
CalliopeCat · 09/08/2019 20:13

I tried to speak to her a few hours ago and it all blew up massively. Her partner was there and it turned into a really ugly scene with them both screaming at me. Her partner got so nasty that he really scared me.

I walked out. Got a bag and my cat and some stuff and just walked out. I'm in a local hotel and my sister is coming in the morning. Not sure if I'm going to with her or what at this point. I've been considering living in at uni anyway but couldn't because of my cat so that's an option.

I just really need my cat to wee. The vet said if she hasn't gone by tomorrow then to take her back because her bladder could be ruptured. She seems much more her normal self so I'm really hoping she's okay. I'm hoping it's just all the stress and change that's freaking her out rather than anything else.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 09/08/2019 20:30

I've been considering living in at uni anyway but couldn't because of my cat so that's an option.

I think you should do that OP.

You shouldn’t have to stay in a house where people scream at you.

I think you’ll be much happier away from the situation and knowing your cat is safe with your sister.

HeckyPeck · 09/08/2019 20:30

I hope your cat will be ok too.

gamesanddaisychains · 09/08/2019 20:56

Bless you, @CalliopeCat, I think you are having a really tough time. It is not fair that you have had all this piled up on you, looking after your mother, trying to do your best for your cat and her dog. I didn't realise your mum had a partner, why isn't he walking the dog? I don't understand either why you are paying half of the rent.

I'm glad that your sister is collecting your cat, hope your beloved pet recovers from this frightening ordeal. I think you would be better living in at uni if you can. I do hope things work out well for you,
you sound lovely and caring. I agree with PP that you definitely do not deserve to be shouted at, and while I do sympathise with your mother due to her debilitating illness, I do think she should face up to her responsibilities with regards to the best thing for you and her dog.

Original poster
CalliopeCat · 09/08/2019 21:23

Thank you. I've just had a bath and we're settled down for the night. I've had a bit to eat but I just feel a bit rubbed raw. Also think I'm not going to sleep well tonight with worrying.

I agreed to pay half of the rent because mum's DDLA got reduced and she was struggling. It seemed fair.

The partner doesn't live with us and is also disabled so can't walk the dog.

I've been having a look on rightmove and have seen a little studio flat that's really nice and I think I can afford it.

OP posts:
TwoPupsandaHamster · 09/08/2019 21:30

OP I think you've done your best during a very tough time. The poor dog would be better off being rehomed with someone who has time for him, the knowledge to train him and the patience to undo all he has learnt so far.

I have a 19 year old. I wouldn't expect her to take on full responsibility for looking after my dogs for a few days, let alone with no time limit. It wouldnt be fair on her or the dogs.

Hopefully your mother will do what's best for her dog and give it the chance of a better life - with someone who knows what they are doing. You did the best you could. Time for you to move on with your life now. Good Luck OP 🍀

tabulahrasa · 09/08/2019 22:52

“She doesn't need to have to police access to every single room in the house.”

If neither animal was going, sadly - she would have had to, it’s not fair or right... but the alternative was just waiting for the dog to finally kill the cat...

Just so you know OP, I wasn’t blaming you for the situation, just giving practical advice, I don’t think it was ok that your mum was leaving it to you to deal with when you clearly had far too much on your plate already, but obviously you couldn’t carry on as you were and hope your cat was going to be ok, because one of the times, she wouldn’t have been.

Soubriquet · 10/08/2019 08:50

Glad your looking at the studio flat OP

Please don’t let your mum guilt you into going back or this whole cycle will happen again and again

bodgeitandscarper · 10/08/2019 08:57

I hope you get your studio flat sorted and that your poor cat is okay. Moving out sounds like the right thing to do.
I hope your mother comes to her senses re the dog, I feel very sorry for it.

Kolo · 10/08/2019 08:59

How long have you been carer for your mum, @CalliopeCat?

The whole situation sounds very stressful.

MsMarvellous · 10/08/2019 09:00

Moving in to a studio sounds a great idea. I think you need the space to just be you and do uni.

Where in the NE are you? I know a great place to get cheap furniture that I can recommend if you need anything for your place. It's a charity so what you spend goes back in to supporting the local area.

Sooverthemill · 10/08/2019 09:06

calliopecat you've done the right thing. Possibly you leaving with force your mum to face up to the fact that it's no longer feasible for her to keep a large dog that needs exercise now she is so disabled. Unless you gets help eg cinnamon trust or gets a dog walker ( she may be able to get a volunteer to do this if she has a low income). You need to look after yourself. Carers Uk has good resources for people looking after someone. Good luck, I hope you are okay