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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should rehome the dog?

147 replies

CalliopeCat · 09/08/2019 12:06

Please read the full post before you judge.

I live with my mum as her carer. She has a terrier and I have a cat. Her dog has attacked my cat multiple times despite trying to keep them apart with baby gates and such.

The dog got upstairs this morning and grabbed my cat again. Cat had lost a tooth, is on painkillers and is very shocked but the vet thinks there's no more serious injuries. I have to keep a close eye on her just in case. She is laid on her cat bed and doesn't want to move ☹️

Mums condition is slowly getting worse to the point where she's spending time in hospital. The dog hardly gets walked and constantly pisses in the house. (Male dog, neutered)

I try to walk the dog but he's big/solid and I'm very petite- he's pulled me over in the past and is basically uncontrollable. I've tried to train him but mum spoils him and it doesn't stick. Last time he pulled me over I really hurt my shoulder and I'm scared to try walking him again. We also have gates on every outside door because dog will try to escape at any given moment.

Dog has also jumped on my neice who is four and scratched her.

I think it's time to rehome rhe dog somewhere more suitable. Mum thinks I should rehome my cat but that won't solve the rest of the problems like the pissing or the escaping.

Moving out isn't an option for me at the moment. I can only work part time due to the caring responsibilities and I don't have enough saved for my own place currently.

I sat in the taxi to the vets this morning and cried because I just don't know what to do. Please help me.

OP posts:
Treaclesweet · 09/08/2019 12:38

Bless you OP. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate looking after your mum at such a young age. Are you getting all the support and benefits that you are entitled to?

I think rehoming the dog is a.good idea as neither you or your mum have the capacity to look after it. Flowers

fatfluffycushion · 09/08/2019 12:38

I was sad to read your post

It sounds like neither of you or the animals are coping with the current situation

I think it might be time to stand back and look at the longer term issues , you are going to end up either being stuck in the same situation indefinitely or if your mother goes into care / hospital / nursing home etc long term you are possibly going to loose your home anyway
Would you not both be better off rehoming both your cat and mother's dog , sounds like you have hardly enough money to afford them comfortably and if she goes into hospital or you look for a flat both of you will find it either impossible or much harder with pets attached

Could you not look for a live in position & save your money towards a flat ?

I hope it works out well for everyone

adaline · 09/08/2019 12:40

Does your mum have enough money to pay for a dog walker each day? it sounds like the dog needs more exercise and time outdoors (hence why he's taken to chasing the cat and peeing indoors).

How much exercise does he get each day?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/08/2019 12:42

Hi OP

If you rehomed the cat wouldn't the issues with the dog still remain? It seems to me there is no way round the dog issue as your mum is too ill to care for it (unless she is likely to get better and there is a realistic prospect of her being able to do so?). Even if you take the cat out of the equation it sounds like neither of you can look after the dog anyway. Have you got a friend or relative who could have the cat temporarily to keep it safe while you decide?

Pinkout · 09/08/2019 12:43

Definitely kinder to rehome in this situation. Even if you hired a dog walker every day I don’t think the behavioural issues would be resolved. You have enough stress on your plate without also dealing with a dog attacking your cat, wanting to escape, peeing all over the house etc. Your Mum needs to be reasonable and accept its the kindest thing to do for everyone involved- dog included.

My DGM is petite and elderly, she has a staffie and it does almost pull her over sometimes. She has it for protection because she lives alone but I worry it will pull her to the ground one day and she’ll break her hip.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/08/2019 12:43

It sounds as if the dog requires exercise and training.

If no one is in a position to provide that, then rehoming is the sensible option.

missperegrinespeculiar · 09/08/2019 12:49

The OP is 18 and caring for her mother, she has enough on her plate!

Is your mum's condition chronic or terminal? are you receiving support?

if things are unlikely to improve with your mum, and you can't get any external support, yes, re-home.

bodgeitandscarper · 09/08/2019 12:51

I think rehoming the dog sounds like the right decision, but it sounds as if your mum will never agree to it. Having a conversation is a good idea, but you are both emotionally attached to your animals, so it will be harder to be dispassionate about it.

Definitely try the cinnamon trust, there may be a volunteer locally who can help out. Your mum needs to realise that the dog isn't having a good life and how difficult it is making caring for her for you. Would any relatives be able to take the dog on?

Original poster
CalliopeCat · 09/08/2019 12:52

All rehoming my cat would do is remove the chance of the dog attacking her again. I don't want to do anything with her at the moment because the vet wants her under close observation. Ill reassess on Mon and have a friend close by who could take her if needed. I'm so bloody scared that she's really hurt and we're just not seeing it yet though. The vet was lovely and checked her over properly but I can't stop the what iffs

I fully accept that the dog needs more exercise. I just can't risk it because if he hurts me there's no one to look after my mum (I have a sister but she lives 3+ hours away so it's not practical for her)

We re lucky to have a big back garden so he gets plenty of time out there and I play fetch with him to tire him out. Id say he gets 60-90 mins of games spread over they day plus he's out whenever he wants (doggie door into the garden)

I'd rather not go into the money side of things too much because I'm not comfortable sharing too much there but yes mum is claiming what she's entitled to.

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 09/08/2019 12:53

we're not asking you to tell us about your money situation but you might benefit from some help and support, we are all here to help, it sounds like its pretty tough so hope you sort it all out.

Booboostwo · 09/08/2019 12:54

What a difficult and sad situation!

Is your DM’s condition chronic or terminal? In her mind, does she see a short term future where she will be able to look after the dog herself? If yes, then I think it will be very difficult to convince her to rehome the dog. If not, I think you need to sit her down and have a very frank conversation about how the dog is too much for you to cope with on top of everything else.

If you already pay 50% of rent and bills, could you not find a room in a shared house (where they would accept your cat), if all else fails? Wouldn’t that allow you to work longer hours and save more money for a better place?

You are very young to be dealing with all this alone. Do you have any help from relatives or friends?

Mesmermancer · 09/08/2019 12:55

Are you living in her house or is she living in yours? If it's her house, I think YABU, if it's yours YANBU.

Booboostwo · 09/08/2019 12:55

Borrow my Doggie might be a solution to the walking issue.

Whosorrynow · 09/08/2019 12:55

Is it possible to arrange things so that someone your mother sees as in a position of authority confirms that the dog is not suitable for the situation it's in?
in other words she (very infuriatingly and unfairly) won't listen to you but she might listen to someone whom she regards as having more 'weight'

Bookworm4 · 09/08/2019 12:58

www.facebook.com/TheCinnamonTrust/
They offer support caring for dogs in their own home.
If you decide to rehome the better trainer he is the easier he will find a new home.

tabulahrasa · 09/08/2019 13:01

Ok, I get that the whole situation is complicated and you have a lot on your plate... too much by the sounds of it tbh and the dog is an extra stress on you.

But there’s no trying to keep dogs and cats apart, you just do it... I currently have a foster dog with me that my cat is not happy about, so they don’t meet unless I allow it because neither of them can actually teleport...

adaline · 09/08/2019 13:02

Can your mum afford a dog walker to take the dog out during the day? Most charge around £10 a walk. Playing in the garden isn't a substitute for a good walk - they're more than just exercise - it's about seeing other dogs, going for a good sniff, marking, going to the toilet - you can't do those things in your own back yard.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/08/2019 13:04

Does your Mum understand the stress that this situation with the Dog is putting you under? Does she know you were in tears on the way to the vets earlier. You say you're very close, I think it's time to have an honest conversation about this. Explain that you understand she loves her dog but that even if you were to take the cat out of the equation, you don't feel you can cope with him and it's not fair to the Dog as he's not being looked after properly.

bodgeitandscarper · 09/08/2019 13:04

Throwing a ball in the garden isn't enough. A dog needs to be out smelling other scents, stretching their legs and having fun. Mental stimulation through routine and training are also important, especially in a terrier breed who tend to look for trouble if they get bored. The dog is essentially being held prisoner because of your mothers illness which is grossly unfair for it. Chasing the cat will become worse the less the dog is exercised and given attention. Perhaps your mum would agree to fund a dog walker or use a doggy daycare if the alternative is rehoming?

GimmieTheCoffeeAndNooneDies · 09/08/2019 13:04

I'm a bit concerned that you are paying half the rent. If your mum is claiming housing benefit and, I assume in receipt of the higher level care component pip there would be no non-dependants deduction.

If she is in a position to not depend on housing benefit, surely she shouldn't be charging you half the rent and bills as her income will be far higher than yours.

makingmyway10 · 09/08/2019 13:08

Hello Op. I am sorry that you have so much on your plate. It is horrible to watch someone you love ill and to be her carer, you are amazing. The issue with your pets must be very stressful on top of all this.

I think that you are wise to try and take control of the situation before it gets worse or becomes completely unmanageable. Is there anyone in your family you can talk it over with besides your Mum? It sounds as if you could benefit from talking to someone who knows your mum. maybe they could talk to her about how hard it is for you? Do you have someone who supports you that can help advise you?

Original poster
CalliopeCat · 09/08/2019 13:09

@tabulahrasa cat lives upstairs. Dog lives downstairs. Dog managed to get the baby gate open and shot upstairs where he cornered my cat. It's like living in jail with this dog. We have gates on every door apart from the bedrooms and bathroom.

Thanks for the Cinnamon Trust link. I'll get in touch with them.

Mum's condition is chronic. She has severe rheumatoid arthritis, lymphedema secondary to that and has very limited mobility.

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 09/08/2019 13:15

unless you are able to look after the dog then it would be better if it were rehomed, either temporary or permanently, it has attacked your cat, a child and is not safe being walked. you really need to sit down with your mum and explain that you are finding it difficult. does your mum have a wheelchair? is she able to get out of the house with the dog at all or look after it?

Nothingoriginalhere · 09/08/2019 13:20

is the dog an Airedale? if so Airedale rescue are excellent and will rehome. People are often looking for rescue Dales.
if it is a Dale then they are very prey driven, none of mine could live with a cat or any other small animal...
For the dogs sake rehome sooner rather than later

SansaSnark · 09/08/2019 13:23

This all sounds very tough for you, OP.

Money aside (I know that's a stupid thing to say), do you see yourself as being able to move out in the near-ish future? Would your mum be able to manage if you weren't living with her? I do think that changes things and gives you more of a say, even if it's not "your" house (and arguably, if you're paying 50% of the rent then it is yours too, morally if not legally).

I do think contacting the cinnamon trust would be a good idea. They can offer fostering for pets too, especially whilst an owner is in hospital. Alternatively, a local animal charity or a breed rescue might be able to arrange some fostering too. This might be easier to sell to your mum, if you say that you can't manage everything and it's just a short term solution?

Terriers of all breeds can be difficult to live with, and can be very aggressive. They're not all small, too- Airedale terriers can weigh 2-3 stone, which is enough to pull you off your feet if the dog "launches" itself at the end of the lead.

Maybe it would help to present your mum with a number of options, as things clearly can't go on as they are:

  1. She pays a behaviourist to come and try to solve the problems- including making the dog safe for you to walk, and finding ways to keep your cat safe from the dog's aggression.

  2. You contact a charity to try and arrange some extra walking and/or fostering for the dog to see if this helps.

  3. The dog is re-homed through a charity.

I think you do need to make it clear that things can't go on as they are and you're no longer prepared to take full responsibility for the dog.