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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have boundaries in a relationship over porn?

78 replies

Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:18

I spoke to my DP tonight about porn. I told him I don’t like or agree with the industry, and that my personal boundary was I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone who watched it.

He of course is free to not want a relationship with someone who has that boundary.

Anyway, the conversation got heated and I’m left wondering if AIBU?

OP posts:
lyralalala · 08/08/2019 23:20

You all him your DP - how long have you been together? Is this something he's been aware of since you first met or have you introduced it some time down the line?

Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:24

We’ve been together a long time and it’s a view I’ve had for many years.

OP posts:
BobTheFishermansWife · 08/08/2019 23:26

You are not being unreasonable, you're entitled to feel that way, everyone has different bounderies regarding anything, in this instance porn, however, I struggle with the me or porn ultimatum, which is pretty much what you've put or will be putting to him (I'm assuming from your post) because you could be ending an otherwise happy relationship? Could you both reach a compromise on it or is it a hard no for you? (that is if he does watch porn)

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2019 23:28

You can feel anyway you want to, but I do think you're being unrealistic and controlling. How do you propose to enforce your rule? Search his phone, computer? If he does this privately and doesn't expect you to watch as well, it can simply be a matter of don't ask, don't tell.

Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:29

He sees it as a me or porn thing. I don’t see it like that. I see it as I just wouldn’t feel comfortable to be in a relationship with someone who watched it.

He doesn’t watch it but thinks it’s ridiculous that I’m dictating what he does or doesn’t do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:31

I’m not trying to dictate anything though. Just saying what would make me uncomfortable/ unhappy.

I accept some people, maybe most people feel differently. But I’m sure they would have a red line in the sand that I wouldn’t somewhere along the way.

OP posts:
LonelyTiredandLow · 08/08/2019 23:32

Sadly in this modern day, unless he is a Yogi (maybe?) he is more than likely watching it. Certain studies have tried to find men who don't as control subjects for research and have failed miserably.

Apparently the average age boys start watching now is 9 Sad

Violashift · 08/08/2019 23:33

You are totally free to decide your boundaries. I feel the same as you as do a lot of people on here.

There are also many posters that don't mind.

Everyone has their limits its up to you to decide your own.

RobinMoseby · 08/08/2019 23:33

YANBU - you can not be in a relationship with someone for any reason, no matter if people think it’s stupid or whatever.

You can decide not to date someone because; they watch eastenders, or don’t, they drink, or don’t, they sneeze too loud, they have blonde hair, their nose is too big, they chew gum, they eat weirdly, you don’t like their shoes, they have ugly ties, they don’t like chicken wings.....

It’s your life, you don’t have to spend it with anyone you don’t want to.

SirVixofVixHall · 08/08/2019 23:33

I would not be in a relationship with someone who watched porn either.
I don’t understand why you need this verified by us on here ? You are perfectly entitled to not want a relationship on this basis, or any other, (even if it was something minor that seemed silly to other people, which obviously this isn’t).

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2019 23:34

I would bet my house he watches porn. Most people do. If him watching it is unknown to you and doesn't impact you, you are being ridiculous. Do you think you can control his thoughts as well? He most certainly fantasized about other women, probably sometimes when you're having sex, which is very common and natural. Is that off the table for him, too? If he is otherwise a wonderful partner, I think you are drawing a very needless line in the sand.

LizzieSiddal · 08/08/2019 23:37

Certain studies have tried to find men who don't as control subjects for research and have failed miserably.

I’m sure this has been shown to be incorrect, I’ve read the correction many times on MN, but can’t remember what it was!

Anyway, saying ALL men do anything is so sexist. I know my Dh does not approve of the porn industry and does not watch it. We are early 50s though so it may be a generation thing.

Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:37

Maybe he is SirVixofVixHall and maybe it is ridiculous, but would you accept it is up to me if I want that to be a line In the sand or not?

A wonderful partner for me wouldn’t watch it and would understand the exploitation involved.

OP posts:
Writersblock2 · 08/08/2019 23:38

I find it bizarre some people think it’s about control. I wouldn’t date someone who smoked but I’m not telling people to give up fags to date me. I wouldn’t have a relationship with someone who watches porn but I’m not forcing anyone to stop either (encouraging them, yes, because it’s horrific on many levels, but that’s besides the point).

OP, good for you. What do we have left without our morals?

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 08/08/2019 23:38

YABU though.
You put this boundary in after long time together. It's fine not to be ok with porn and it's fine not want to be with partner who watches it, but that should be said at the beginning. Not well into the relationship.

And obviously he will see it as porn or you choice, because it is🤷

Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:38

Sorry, previous comment meant for Aquamarine1029

OP posts:
Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:40

HouseholdPlantMurderer if you read my comments you would see that it isn’t something that’s changed and he’s known about for many, many years.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 08/08/2019 23:40

I've only ever met one man who wasn't fussed for porn and he turned out to be gay, and no doubt watched gay porn on the sly. It's fine for you to have principles but I'd just not discuss it with him and let it lie. Or you can bin him and quest for the perfect man who doesn't like porn, and likes being told what he can get aroused by. Good luck with that!

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 08/08/2019 23:41

@Moveandlonsters so you had that discussion at the beginning?

LizzieSiddal · 08/08/2019 23:41

Should have added, I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all OP
I too wouldn’t be with anyone who watched porn. How anyone can get aroused when they don’t know if these women are taking part because they want to or because they've been coerced, is beyond me.

fairydustandpixies · 08/08/2019 23:41

I watch it. Always have. With partners and alone. For years.

Yes, I'm female.

No pearl clutching here! Don't see the problem tbh...

Nicknacky · 08/08/2019 23:42

So why has this conversation came up tonight if you have been together a long time?

Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:43

Added complication is (and we’ve been together 8 years) he’s a vegetarian and I’m not. He says that he doesn’t force me into vegetarianism but:

  1. I’m not forcing him into anything.
  2. If he genuinely didn’t want to be in a relationship with a meat eater that would be his right.
  3. We’ve been together 8 years and he’s never mentioned not wanting to be with a meat-eater (except apparently when he wants to win this argument).
OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 08/08/2019 23:43

I've only ever met one man who wasn't fussed for porn and he turned out to be gay,

You really need to widen the circle of men you are meeting.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2019 23:44

Well, if you can't be sure he doesn't watch porn, which you can't because that's impossible, (and based on his defensive response I wager he most definitely does), leave him. If that's your absolute deal breaker, then it's time to end it.

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