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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have boundaries in a relationship over porn?

78 replies

Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:18

I spoke to my DP tonight about porn. I told him I don’t like or agree with the industry, and that my personal boundary was I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone who watched it.

He of course is free to not want a relationship with someone who has that boundary.

Anyway, the conversation got heated and I’m left wondering if AIBU?

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 08/08/2019 23:45

He doesn’t watch it but thinks it’s ridiculous that I’m dictating what he does or doesn’t do.

Every relationship dictates what the other partner does or doesn’t do though.

Ask him if you can go dogging. Will he dictate that you can’t? I should have thought so.

It’s just live porn isn’t it? But with the very crucial bonus of being consensual and no parties being coerced, paid or whatever.

Lockheart · 08/08/2019 23:45

YANBU at all to have that boundary.

YABU to only bring it up now after so many years together. Given that you're now both invested in this relationship, and presumably don't want to call it a day(?). These sorts of red lines need to be laid down earlier. Was he aware of this before?

Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:45

HouseholdPlantMurderer because I mentioned something a work friend said about wanting to divorce her husband for watching porn. I thought she had every right to divorce him for whatever reason she wanted. He thought it was harsh. Argument ensued.

OP posts:
ThePants999 · 08/08/2019 23:46

He sees it as a me or porn thing. I don’t see it like that. I see it as I just wouldn’t feel comfortable to be in a relationship with someone who watched it.

What ARE you on about? "Me or porn" is PRECISELY yl what you're saying to him, so of course he sees it that way.

thecatinthetwat · 08/08/2019 23:49

Don't see the problem tbh...

Prick up your ears then.

Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:49

ThePants999 I wouldn’t date a smoker or someone who was religious or someone who believed in smacking children or someone who was racist and a whole host of other things. Not because those people wouldn’t be good people but they wouldn’t be the right person for me. Porn is on that list.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:51

Well the racist wouldn’t be a good person but you get what I mean. It’s not at all about controlling what someone else does it’s about not wanting a particular relationship or person for yourself.

OP posts:
ZazieTheCat · 08/08/2019 23:52

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I ended a relationship because my partner revealed his family business happily used child labour in another country.

Personally, I don’t agree with exploitation/oppression in any of it’s many forms, try my best to avoid supporting organisations that do. I’d find it really difficult to trust someone who was ok with exploitation, and porn is often that (both participants and viewers).

Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:53

Aquamarine1029 I trusted him when he said he wouldn’t and didn’t use it. It is a very defensive reaction though isn’t it?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2019 23:54

Yes, it is. If he didn't watch open and felt exactly as you do, his reaction would have been completely different. Actions speak louder than words, every time.

Croquembou · 08/08/2019 23:56

If you don't want him to watch porn, and he doesn't watch porn, I'm unclear on what he's got cross about...

He sees it as a you or porn thing, despite the fact he doesn't watch porn?

LaVieilleHarpie · 08/08/2019 23:56

Oh please OP, men will always defend their precious porn. Any reason to excuse and minimise their compliance and approval of the terrible exploitation of often very vulnerable women.

Just end the relationship and find a man who doesn't use rape on tape as a masturbatory aid - believe it or not, they do exist! :)

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 08/08/2019 23:57

YADNBU

I don't have a problem with porn, but anyone is free to set their own red lines for a relationship, and yours is perfectly reasonable one.

thecatinthetwat · 08/08/2019 23:58

I trusted him when he said he wouldn’t and didn’t use it. It is a very defensive reaction though isn’t it?

Actually yes, it is a weird response to what should have been a non-issue.

If he felt the same way as you do about it, I would have expected a pretty different reaction. Has he previously said he doesn’t agree with it / sees it as exploitation etc?

jellycatspyjamas · 09/08/2019 00:04

Porn is on that list
But it’s clearly not on the list because you’ve been in a relationship for 8 years with someone who doesn’t appear to share your views. What would you do if you discovered that at some point during the course of your relationship your partner had watched porn?

TwistyTop · 09/08/2019 00:04

You are allowed to have whatever boundaries you want in a relationship. In confused as to why this discussion got so heated though - you say you've held this view for years and he knows that. Does this mean you had a proper conversation about it at one point and told him it was a deal breaker for you, and he agreed to never watch it? If so then he should really stick to that and has no right to be shocked/annoyed. But if you didn't have an explicit agreement in place then I don't think you can assume anything...

Divebar · 09/08/2019 00:04

If someone said that to me after 8 years together I’d be so hurt. You’d totally put your principle about that ahead of every other great quality he had as a person. In his position I’d be so tempted to pack a bag and leave and see how comforting your principle is then to you over the course of a few nights alone.

Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 09/08/2019 00:06

jellycatspyjamas I think the point is I was under the impression after much discussion that he did share my views. If he doesn’t now well it’s a massive probably insurmountable problem.

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 09/08/2019 00:06

Yanbu.

The thing I find crazy and a bit sad, is that women who have no problem with their partner watching porn, think that women who are with partners who don't watch porn, think that these women are deluded and OF COURSE ALL MEN WATCH PORN.

Of course they don't, but they will read my post and have a little laugh thinking I'm daft for thinking my dh doesn't watch it, but he really really doesn't.

He actually sees women as equals and not just there for him to objectify and use as wank fodder. Some women can't get their heads round that, so have to have the view that ALL men do it.

My husband also worked with perpetrators of violence and sexual abuse of women, which encompasses collusion and coercion.

Which is one of the many reasons he doesn't watch it.

I wouldn't have been with him for 17 years if he did.

YANBU at all OP.

LaVieilleHarpie · 09/08/2019 00:07

D'awww, cause he's such a perfect human being, his only flaw is that he enjoys watching women being sexually abused... totally not a big deal, nothing to see here, it's HER who is in the wrong, for, y'know, not wanting to be with someone who actively supports the sex industry...

Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 09/08/2019 00:09

TwistyTop yes we’ve had the deal breaker conversation years ago. It wasn’t new information.

Divebar this isn’t new information for him. I’ve not sprung it on him after 8 years. It’s not just a principle. It’s a way of seeing women and viewing the world.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moveandlonsters · 09/08/2019 00:12

LaVieilleHarpie thank you. Your last comment is exactly how I feel. I have been raped. I have been sexually assaulted. I can’t be with someone who watches and gets off on other women being exploited, hurt or coerced.

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 09/08/2019 00:14

I think the point is I was under the impression after much discussion that he did share my views. If he doesn’t now well it’s a massive probably insurmountable problem.

Yes of course it is op and that is totally understandable. People are wilfully missunderstanding your posts.

I’m vey sorry for you op as this is an awful revelation, it that’s how it turns out Flowers

PositiveVibez · 09/08/2019 00:20

Oh and be prepared for the anecdote of someone's friend who works in the sex industry and loves it and makes £££££ and they are their own boss and empowered.

Bollocks

Any women who ends up in a 'sex industry' job, has somewhere along the line, been damaged by a man, whether it be their dad leaving, being abused, wanting a man's validation. Somewhere along the line, they have been damaged in some way and need help.

Thats my two penneth worth and I may have had a glass of wine.

But getting your rocks off to that shit, is just not humane tbh.

Pineapple1 · 09/08/2019 03:00

Why don't you agree with the porn industry?

It's for both men and woman... Men are objectified the same as women.

Those porn actors enjoy their work (I assume), they get paid well too...

It's a form of entertainment, just like football.

What's your problem with it?