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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have boundaries in a relationship over porn?

78 replies

Moveandlonsters · 08/08/2019 23:18

I spoke to my DP tonight about porn. I told him I don’t like or agree with the industry, and that my personal boundary was I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone who watched it.

He of course is free to not want a relationship with someone who has that boundary.

Anyway, the conversation got heated and I’m left wondering if AIBU?

OP posts:
ZazieTheCat · 09/08/2019 03:17

Agree PositiveVibez

I knew a guy who got involved in porn as he thought it help him to pay off debt and be fun. It totally messed him up- he ended up in therapy for a long time. Massive guilt issues, didn’t want to have sex with anyone he had feelings for but desperate to be in love and be loved. Terrified of being rejected as “dirty” by non-porn people.

fantasmasgoria1 · 09/08/2019 04:42

That is one of my no go areas. I have alongside the exploitation etc I was badly abused and a part of it is connected to porn. My fiance totally understands and doesn't watch it. He rarely ever did when he was single anyway.

Writersblock2 · 09/08/2019 07:09

@Pineapple1 a presumably if you lost your job you’d be happy for the job centre to send you down the local brothel to do a “test” hand job to see if you’d be a “good enough” prostitute?
Since it’s just a form of entertainment, and just like football, right?

Hmm
motherheroic · 09/08/2019 07:21

@Pineapple1 The men are objectified as much as women? What a load of bull. There is a reason most men in porn are ugly or sometime completely faceless, because it's not about them. The girls and women are the vehicle.

Pineapple1 · 09/08/2019 07:25

I said, men are objectified just as woman are. I didn't say the exact same amount.

Who cares if they are ugly?

You can keep your closed minded views thanks.

Leave people to do what they want.

Pineapple1 · 09/08/2019 07:27

I worry that you specifically mentioned "girls" and "woman" as separate... I'd hope Girls are not found in porn... @motherheroic

Parky04 · 09/08/2019 07:29

I ended a relationship because she started smoking. We had been together for 3 years. Entirely up to you if you think porn is a deal breaker.

motherheroic · 09/08/2019 07:31

@Pineapple1 I don't know if you're naive or acting dense on purpose.

Pineapple1 · 09/08/2019 07:33

@motherheroic

If you don't like my posts, don't read or reply. Simple really.

furrytoebean · 09/08/2019 07:35

Porn is a dealbreaker for me.
That might mean that if I found my husband watching porn and we split up that I would be single for a long time and that’s fine, I’d rather be single than with someone who I didn’t agree with about such a fundamental thing (that women were not objects that could be bought and sold).

In the same way I wouldn’t go out with a racist or a non vegan.

It’s not about controlling your partner it’s about wanting a partner who shares your core beliefs.

I don’t care what other people believe but I don’t have to have a relationship with them.

If I found my husband watching porn I would leave him because it would mean he’s been lying to me about what he believes and who he is.

T0getherindreams · 09/08/2019 08:47

OP, serious question.

What's your definition of porn?

Is it the whole season of Debbie does Dallas, or is it any depiction of sexual activity?

If you're going to impose an ultimatum then you need to be very very clear about the terms.

Is a "page 3" picture porn?

A motoring magazine with a few pictures of girls in their underwear draped seductively across the front of some race car?

Do you ever send your DP a few racy pics?

If you do, is that included?

What about catalogue swimwear and underwear sections?

What about sex scenes in "normal" movies?

Where is the line?

Shoxfordian · 09/08/2019 09:24

Did he say he agreed with not watching it before and now he is watching it? If it's really a dealbreaker for you then you know what to do

SirVixofVixHall · 09/08/2019 09:50

“ entertainment just like football”... oh fgs. I can imagine mothers I know delighted and proud of a child who was really good at football. Anyone ever hear someone delighted that their teenage daughter is in porn?
My DH has never watched porn, and nor have I. The only time I ever saw any was when I was a teenager and with a group of friends at a pub lock in, and the creepy landlord put on a porn film. We left v swiftly.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/08/2019 10:09

Op your DH’s argument is nonsensical. Everyone has boundaries in relationships. Would he think he had to tolerate you having affairs, for example, as telling you “it is affairs or me” would be “controlling “?
Would he feel he had to tolerate you drinking heavily, gambling, joining a far right group?
Watching porn is not a human right. I could not respect a man who watched porn. I could not bring up my daughters with a man who watched porn.
Ask him to read Andrea Dworkin’s “Pornography” . Also ask him if he would be happy for a daughter of his to be doing porn.
There is so much hypocrisy from men on pornography. They don’t want to think about the harm it causes. I have read threads on here where young women are finding that they get pressured for anal sex, even that they get men choking them, because this is normalised by porn. Talk to you DH about just how many men are now pleading “she was into violent sex” as a murder defence. Porn is toxic.

CookieDoughKid · 09/08/2019 10:13

But the point is , where do you go from here?

fantasmasgoria1 · 09/08/2019 11:14

Pineapple1 look for stories of ex porn performers, some of the stories are absolutely horrific. Most don't actually enjoy their job, they are exploited and some get sexual injuries.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 09/08/2019 11:51

There is a reason most men in porn are ugly or sometime completely faceless, because it's not about them. The girls and women are the vehicle.

We're not watching the same porn Grin

Winebottle · 09/08/2019 21:10

I share your concerns about the industry but I think it is being idealistic to set that condition.

It will be a deal breaker for a lot of men. When you do find a man who agrees to it, you are much more likely to have found a liar than one who shares your views.

It's like vegans who refuse to share a table with meat eaters. They narrow there options and push people a way. And it is easier to find a vegan man than one who doesn't watch porn.

optimisticpessimist01 · 09/08/2019 21:19

YANBU to have these feelings, however you need to understand that it is way, way more common than a lot of people realise and if your DH has admitted to already watching it, he'll carry on doing it with or without your consent and/or knowledge and will probably just accept he'll have to watch it behind your back and be more sneaky about it. Unfortunately checking his internet history is no use either has he can just put his browser in incognito mode

The British Sex Survey (i know) in 2014 revealed that 3/4 men watch porn. That was 5 years ago, it is much more common and accessible now. BBC Three did a survey this year and 77% of its male participants admitted to watching it in the past month.

Its up to you to set your own boundaries and draw the line at what every you want, and that is fine, nobody will judge you for that. If it;s a deal breaker for you, then you need to seriously think about your relationship and if you can honestly trust him not to watch porn again for the rest of your lives

optimisticpessimist01 · 09/08/2019 21:23

Sorry OP just read the second page of comments that DH didn't admit to it but got defensive. If he's getting defensive its because he either is already watching porn or wants to

Whatisinaname1 · 09/08/2019 21:37

Don't most people have dealbreakers of some kind? My friend is happy gor her dp to go get lapdances but that's a dealbreaker for me. Her dealbreakers is different.

If he's always known you've felt this way then why get so irate now? Presumably he used to agree with you. Or do you think he didn't take you seriously until now?

SmileEachDay · 09/08/2019 21:44

So is his issue that he thinks it’s not ok for you to have this particular thing as a boundary?

He’s angry because he thinks you would kick him into touch if he uses porn and he doesn’t agree that would be worth finishing an otherwise ok relationship over?

Is that it from his point of view or is there something else going on?

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 09/08/2019 21:54

If I'm reading your post the right way I have assumed that you don't want to be with someone who finds watching porn an acceptable thing to do, not that you want to control his viewing habbits. With that in mind I wonder if you could educate him (sorry if that sounds patronising I don't know how else to put it) on why you find it unacceptable? As in, maybe get some resources together of ex-pornstars' accounts, documentaries on how their treated and the kind of attitudes and behaviours porn feeds. If after that he still thinks it's okay I'm not really sure if you'd want to be with him? I've been very lucky in that my dp came across these issues by himself and actually made me aware of them! I don't think he was ever an avid porn viewer anyway but he can't enjoy it anymore which really does defeat the purpose of it.

Lellikelly26 · 09/08/2019 21:55

I don’t agree with the porn industry as in general think it is exploitative of women. My DH watches porn, I caught him and we had a row about it. I now just ignore it as it doesn’t make me feel insecure, I think most men do watch it. It doesn’t affect our relationship

Shitonthebloodything · 09/08/2019 21:59

Neither me or DP watch porn. I know this for a fact because we only discovered we had restrictions set up on both our phones and home internet when I was trying to shop on the Lovehoney website Grin

Seems we are aren't the norm!

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