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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM doesn't want anyone else to come wedding dress shopping with us? Aibu?

94 replies

Maccapacca24 · 07/08/2019 20:45

Long time lurker and have posted before about suspected narc DM but deleted account as worried about being outed.

So, have had a rocky relationship with family the last few years. DD came along and things got better. We're getting married next year, and things blew up again thanks to my DSis a few weeks ago with the same cycle of shit. I've brushed it under the carpet with DM as pointless trying to talk sense into her, and haven't spoken to my DSis in over a month after her vile antics.

Speaking to my DF today and we started to talk about weddings and dress shopping. I'd mentioned to DM that I would like to go with my MOH first as I'm picky and need to get an idea of what styles I like first. Then I was hoping my MoH, DM, DNan and maybe even MIL to be as we get on well and I think she'd enjoy it. Problem is, my DF today has said that I should just go with DM as I should use this as a bonding experience to make things better with us. I explained how I'm close to Nan but apparently I should remember everything mum has done for me, namely raising me.

I feel like I'm going to have to go separately with my MOH, Nan and future MIL just to satisfy my DM. What if I find the one with them?

I said I wasn't gonna get stressed about wedding planning but it seems everyone's got a bloody opinion about everything and part of me thinks hell no, if she doesn't want to come with the other important women in my life, then she can not come at all. She's somehow managed to make it all about her, once again.

Should I humour her? Should I say no, and why? I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 07/08/2019 20:52

DF is that your dad or your fiance?

Original poster
Maccapacca24 · 07/08/2019 20:52

Sorry meant my Dad

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 07/08/2019 20:57

Your wedding, your rules. I know some people don’t like that saying but my Narc mother made my wedding ALL about her. I was young and still scared of offending her but 20+ years later and NC with her I wish I’d put my foot down earlier.

Your DF is being a “flying monkey” by trying to manipulate you on your Mother’s behalf and that is unacceptable. It’s not like you’re leaving her out altogether and if she throws a tantrum about other people being there, treat her as if she’s 6 and just calmly say she has 2 choices; come along with the others or don’t come.

I think going with just your MOH first to a few boutiques to narrow down styles is a great idea.

Gertie75 · 07/08/2019 21:00

I went with MOH, shortlisted a few dresses then took DM to get her opinion.

I've since heard it hurt her feelings but it really wasn't intentional, I just knew my MOH would be better at shopping whereas DM is very opinionated and would've tried to steer me towards what she liked.

Of course I don't like the fact she was hurt however I'd do the same again and think you should too, it's your wedding, your an adult and you're including her, it's not like you've said you never want her to go with you.

Cryalot2 · 07/08/2019 21:01

If you are getting stressed that is not what you want.
Remember it is your wedding and your choice.
Choose only those who will make you happy and cause no stress whatsoever.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 07/08/2019 21:03

Don’t be bullied or guilt tripped. Totally agree with the previous comment - decide what YOU want and then invite those people. If mum chooses not to come then that says everything you need to know.

I had my mum, my sis and my best mate. It was such a fab day, really special and exciting. I know it’s obly a dress but it’s a lovely opportunity to share a special day with the females you love most. Don’t compromise, and use your wedding as an opportunity to make w fresh start with fresh boundaries that you don’t allow toxic people or behaviour to cross. Best of luck.

Lordamighty · 07/08/2019 21:08

Your wedding your choice. My DD went with 2 of her bridesmaids first as I was busy that weekend & then I went for the next round of visits. Don’t let your DM make your wedding all about her & her delicate feelings, you’ll be on a hiding to nothing with that scenario.

lightningstrikes · 07/08/2019 21:11

I had this with my mum (also narc). I capitulated. I went into the dressing room to try the first gown, came out and no one was to be found. DM had three sales girls helping her find a MOB dress on the other side of the shop, leaving me all billy-no-mates. I laugh about it now, but was really gutted at the time. I did know better than to think it would be about me, but had hoped it would be different as it was my wedding. My vote is to set and hold your boundaries - don't let her ruin it for you.

ElizaDee · 07/08/2019 21:13

Just elope. It will be easier.

CalmdownJanet · 07/08/2019 21:17

Foot down now, you start as you mean to go on with her or the next year will be hell! "No I want everyone there, we can still "bond" and have a nice day, shopping, lunch, wine but we are all going and I won't apologise for wanting it that way" conversation over

Original poster
Maccapacca24 · 07/08/2019 21:20

Thanks everyone. This is what I'm thinking. Unfortunately my Dad backs Mum up a lot, I think for an easy life, and really wants us all to get on. I don't think he sees just how bad she is. But I feel like I'm letting him down. Unfortunately my DSis is getting married the year after and has recently taken just my Mum twice to pick a dress. Largely because she quite literally has no friends and isn't close to my Nan.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/08/2019 21:23

Your mum has already been dress shopping recently then?!

I'm taking my future MiL because she has no daughters and will love it; and I have no mum. I don't know if I'll take her alone and also go with friends or just take everyone together, but I'll be deciding. If it gets as stressful as yours sounds, we won't be going at all... I just don't need the extra stress!

bellabasset · 07/08/2019 21:27

I would still go out on your own with your MOH and select a couple of dresses, you don't need to tell your dm that you've done this, make sure the shop(s) know though.

I would then ask dm to come and help you choose yours and the MOH's dresses. Suggest that dnan and MIL come as well so you can have a look for their outfits as well as hers.

Original poster
Maccapacca24 · 07/08/2019 21:27

@AnchorDownDeepBreathe that's exactly why I thought my Mil would enjoy it. No daughters and she's been fab. I would go as far as to say I actually have a better relationship with her than my own mother. But I feel like DM will kick off big style if I even suggest it, and will make it so awkward it's pointless even suggesting it. I was so close to cutting contact a few weeks ago but decided to give it another shot.

OP posts:
Pretenditsaplan · 07/08/2019 21:28

So your dads said this not your mum. Your mum hasnt said anything to you about it and your dads just suggesting it. Go with your moh and then arrange the bigger trip if your mum then says anything tell her she doesnt need to come if she doesnt want to. You can always take her after its been picked. Im sure youll have to go back for fittings. As it stands its mountain/molehill situation

AJ1425 · 07/08/2019 21:32

Have who you want. I took my mum and my mother in law. My mum got a gob on that I had invited my mother in law. She then proceeded to make a big deal about how she was paying for my dress in front of said mother in law. It was made clear once mother in law was no longer in earshot that I would be paying for it myself (which was fine as I already knew I was paying for it myself. As did my mother in law).

She then proceeded to mock the type of veil I had planned to wear and disregard the dress I had chosen as she liked another one more and then rang round making appointments for me to try on the dress she liked better when I had already made my mind up and was ringing me harassing me about it. I'd been shopping round anyway and found the dress I liked nearer to where I was living for a lot cheaper so made an appointment and it turns out my mum had already rang them as well and so she tells everyone she saved me a fortune on my dress.

She also had the cheek to say to my aunt a few months after the wedding that I was a really laid back bride, I only had one bridezilla moment (in reference to this sequence of events), I just brushed it off so as not to embarrass her, but I really wish I had said something now.

Italiangreyhound · 07/08/2019 21:32

Do what you want to do now!

Or you will spend a lot of time pleasing others and not yourself.

Original poster
Maccapacca24 · 07/08/2019 21:33

@Pretenditsaplan, this is off the back of ignoring messages saying it'd be lovely to go with her and Nan, and she has form for getting my Dad to say things first. I meant it's about a wedding dress FFS, it's not the end of the world, it's a first world problem, granted. However, I feel this is a big decision in terms of setting boundaries, doing what I want, but also not causing too much damage.

OP posts:
barryfromclareisfit · 07/08/2019 21:34

Why on Earth take that crowd? There should be a limit - one bride, one hanger-on.

Original poster
Maccapacca24 · 07/08/2019 21:35

@AJ1425 that's horrendous! I could see my mum behaving similar with Mil. She has form for hating any other significant females in my life. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maccapacca24 · 07/08/2019 21:37

4 people is hardly a crowd @barryfromclareisfit Hmm

OP posts:
luckylavender · 07/08/2019 21:38

I went on my own - so much easier!

Original poster
Maccapacca24 · 07/08/2019 21:42

@luckylavender I'm beginning to see the appeal. But also think why should others miss out just because one is kicking up a fuss

OP posts:
drsausage · 07/08/2019 21:46

It doesn't matter how you organise your wedding, people are going to be pissed off and offended at something you do. There is no way you can make them all happy, especially when you have a narc mother.

Do what you want, with the goal of the majority of your guests having a good time. Do not let anyone guilt trip you into anything, or insist that you use this as a way to 'bond' or mend fences or any of that crap.

You're not 'causing damage'. You're just getting married. Everyone else's job is to be happy for you and enjoy the day.

JellyfishAndShells · 07/08/2019 21:47

Why do you need a crowd along ? There’s nothing else that needs an entire audience like this! My DD asked me along to one shop where she worked out the style she wanted - it was a practical, rather than entertainment event - then went with her best friend/ bridesmaid to another where they actually chose the dress she bought.