DM doesn't want anyone else to come wedding dress shopping with us? Aibu?

[Maccapacca24]

Long time lurker and have posted before about suspected narc DM but deleted account as worried about being outed.

So, have had a rocky relationship with family the last few years. DD came along and things got better. We're getting married next year, and things blew up again thanks to my DSis a few weeks ago with the same cycle of shit. I've brushed it under the carpet with DM as pointless trying to talk sense into her, and haven't spoken to my DSis in over a month after her vile antics.

Speaking to my DF today and we started to talk about weddings and dress shopping. I'd mentioned to DM that I would like to go with my MOH first as I'm picky and need to get an idea of what styles I like first. Then I was hoping my MoH, DM, DNan and maybe even MIL to be as we get on well and I think she'd enjoy it. Problem is, my DF today has said that I should just go with DM as I should use this as a bonding experience to make things better with us. I explained how I'm close to Nan but apparently I should remember everything mum has done for me, namely raising me.

I feel like I'm going to have to go separately with my MOH, Nan and future MIL just to satisfy my DM. What if I find the one with them?

I said I wasn't gonna get stressed about wedding planning but it seems everyone's got a bloody opinion about everything and part of me thinks hell no, if she doesn't want to come with the other important women in my life, then she can not come at all. She's somehow managed to make it all about her, once again.

Should I humour her? Should I say no, and why? I'm sick of it.

Just elope. It will be easier.
Exactly! Until I came on here I never realised that going mob handed to buy the frock was the norm, let alone that people get ao uptight about it! My best clothes purchases are those I make alone, why do people need so many 'opinions, surely your's is the only one that matters!

Find a shop where you don't like any of the dresses and take your mother. Then go 'proper' shopping with your maid of honour and MIL. Done. Or just do one trip and take whom the hell you like and if anyone whinges it's your bloody wedding and they can shush.

Verticality - the op wants to do the dress event. And why shouldn’t she? If she and others want to share that experience, why shouldn’t they? Who’s to say it’s too complex or creating problems? This is about choice and control and the OP rightly wanting both.

So many memories that have been buried, resurfacing whilst reading this thread. I always knew my dad was a narc, classic one, he's very abusive and we always clashed. I always, thought I had, a good relationship with my mum, but tbh I think she was, if not a narc, definitely an enabler. She would get very 'upset' if I didn't do what was expected. Guilt trip me, I too used to be very open, heart on the sleeve type of person, I tried hard to not say anything and divulge information, but it's hard. She's been gone 8 years now, and it's only since going on mn and thinking back. She really wasn't that nice.

I don't get on with her, and there are other people I'd much rather be there.

You’ve had some good advice OP, particularly from Rosetinted and as much as you find it hard to assert yourself, if you don’t, you’ll end up with more memories of when you capitulated to keep the peace with your mother.

The bit I’ve quoted above is the thought you need to hold on to. Don’t over complicate the issue. Good luck with everything.

Sadly your Dad wants a quiet life where you put up with the abuse, guilt, emotional blackmail from your DSis and DM so that everyone is happy apart from you.

OP, things won't get better if you keep giving in. And as for 'your mother did so much for you' its called being a parent, it isn't a lifelong stick to beat your children with.

Take who you want with you dress shopping and don't tell your mother. You can make several trips with different people or groups, and you can always ask them not to talk about it with your mum, they're probably familiar with her attitudes and will help out.

I just feel guilty as my Dad is so diplomatic when he talks to me about it.

But he's not being 'diplomatic', he's being manipulative. He wants your mother off his back, and is prepared to throw your desires under a bus in order to make his own life easier.

the op wants to do the dress event. And why shouldn’t she? If she and others want to share that experience, why shouldn’t they? Who’s to say it’s too complex or creating problems? This is about choice and control and the OP rightly wanting both.

The OP seems like a gentle, suggestible, easily-manipulated type who takes cues from other people as to what she's 'supposed' to do. Obviously the OP is entirely at liberty to want what she wants, only, given that she seems unable to set that up, I don't think there's any harm in anyone pointing out that in fact the 'buying a wedding dress as some kind of social occasion with Prosecco and a small mob' is an invention of the wedding industry to make you spend more money. Far harder to rock up to a wedding dress shop and say 'OK, cost is my main concern here' when you have six people drinking fizzy wine and cheering and weeping over something that's three times your budget. Going with one friend or alone is also a possibility, and does not make you some kind of social pariah.

it's this constant them of, but what about your mother, she did so much for you growing up.

This is classic emotional manipulation.

When you choose to have a child, you accept all the stuff you are supposed to do as your children grow. It's not something you're supposed to accept payback for.

If your dad really was diplomatic then he would be encouraging your mum to compromise and be diplomatic. He is not. He's throwing you under the bus for an easy life for him.

I absolutely agree with pps re your Dad, @Maccapacca24 - I’m sure he’s lovely but I don’t think he is being diplomatic - he’s probably sick of hearing your Mum bang on about everything and everyone who don’t live up to her expectations.

What was the “so much” she did for you when you were growing up, that she feels you now owe her for? Feeding you? Clothing you? Educating you? Pocket money? Taking you on holiday? Aren’t these all the very least we hope to give to our children?

Children don’t ask to be born. My dd owes me nothing, ever. I chose to have her and I do not ever expect to be “paid back” for “everything I did/gave up” for her. Your parents chose to bring you into this world. Your Dad is very probably much nicer and less entitled than your Mum but do remember this is him enabling her skewed sense of entitlement. If I was muscling in on my dd’s wedding, sulking, demanding all her time and attention, my DH would soon step in and tell me I was acting like a brat. He certainly wouldn’t try to guilt trip dd - just as you wouldn’t with yours. xx

@PixieLumos Woah there. You made quite a blunt and “minimising” comment about “people” and told the OP to “grow a backbone”.

What was I supposed to “assume” from that? Your short comment sounded impatient and lacking in understanding. I have no idea why you’re sniping at me when all I was doing was explaining that it’s not always that simple - and why.

I completely understand where @Maccapacca24 is coming from. I’m now No Contact with my very abusive, controlling Mother. Diagnosed by a real Psychologist by the way, not an armchair one. So I know first hand why people “entertain” narcs and why it’s not just a case of “grow a backbone”.

What was I supposed to “assume” from that?

You don’t need to assume anything at all. If you didn’t like the way I worded it, by all means call me out on it - but making assumptions about people’s parents, upbringing and background is presumptuous. When plenty of people have abusive parents, grow up in care or even lost their parents at a young age it’s pretty thoughtless and insensitive to tell people how ‘normal’ their parents are when you know nothing about them.

I wasn’t actually directing that remark at you personally. You seem determined to twist my words and I’m not up for a protracted debate about this.

You were wrong IMO to minimise the OP’s issues and tell her to “grow a backbone”.

Again, I was explaining to you and anyone else who thinks it’s as simple as “grow some backbone” that it’s not simple when you have been programmed to think it’s normal to have to bow down to your parent’s every demand for your whole life.

I’m not repeating myself again and I’m not going to get into an argument with you.

www.gransnet.com/forums/aibu/1262257-WEDDING-DRESS-SHOPPING-WITH-DAUGHTER is this your mam?

Sounds like say yes to the dress.

Your wedding your choice.

@SandyY2K thankfully not, I'm getting married a different month, and a bunch of other things. I read getting married in 2020 and eldest daughter and was like shit!

I went to see her the other day and bottled it. But I did ask her to help me with another part of the wedding and suggested we spend some time together doing it which she was up for. So I've ticked the box of mother daughter repair the relationship bonding time. I've decided when the time comes around to go look I'm just going to send a message saying I'm organising dress shopping which days can you do and then i'/) just rock up with whoever I please and if she doesn't like it she can go home. Not my problem to baby sit my mum and her childish emotions. Thanks for the support guys. I'm not brave enough to do it face to face, unless she challenged me about it herself so we'll see how things go :)

what about your mother, she did so much for you growing up

Aren't those things called parenting? If she didn't want to have to put another human being first, she shouldn't have had a child.

If you read enough Mumsnet guilty as charged you will find a lot of women realising they felt very guilty about this narrative until they had children of their own, and then all the stuff their mum's said they had to feel guilty about was just normal stuff they would naturally do out of love for their child. And suddenly they start questioning the crap their parents have been feeding them for years.

I went dress shopping on my own but out of necessity really - my DM was far away and it just simply couldn't be done. It was fine and TBH I was glad she wasn't there as she'd have hated my choice and been rude about my size, but she loved it on the day.

If you watch a lot of 'Say Yes to the Dress' you can also see that the big crowd groups aren't always a great bonding experience for the bride - often someone is trying to dominate her choice, or she is trying to please 5 different people and not pick something she actually loves.

Don't suggest anything. Arrange and invite and then don't discuss. I know this will be easier said than done but if you're clear now it will help later when she pushes what she wants again. And, you're not letting your Dad down he is letting you down.