Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM doesn't want anyone else to come wedding dress shopping with us? Aibu?

94 replies

Maccapacca24 · 07/08/2019 20:45

Long time lurker and have posted before about suspected narc DM but deleted account as worried about being outed.

So, have had a rocky relationship with family the last few years. DD came along and things got better. We're getting married next year, and things blew up again thanks to my DSis a few weeks ago with the same cycle of shit. I've brushed it under the carpet with DM as pointless trying to talk sense into her, and haven't spoken to my DSis in over a month after her vile antics.

Speaking to my DF today and we started to talk about weddings and dress shopping. I'd mentioned to DM that I would like to go with my MOH first as I'm picky and need to get an idea of what styles I like first. Then I was hoping my MoH, DM, DNan and maybe even MIL to be as we get on well and I think she'd enjoy it. Problem is, my DF today has said that I should just go with DM as I should use this as a bonding experience to make things better with us. I explained how I'm close to Nan but apparently I should remember everything mum has done for me, namely raising me.

I feel like I'm going to have to go separately with my MOH, Nan and future MIL just to satisfy my DM. What if I find the one with them?

I said I wasn't gonna get stressed about wedding planning but it seems everyone's got a bloody opinion about everything and part of me thinks hell no, if she doesn't want to come with the other important women in my life, then she can not come at all. She's somehow managed to make it all about her, once again.

Should I humour her? Should I say no, and why? I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maccapacca24 · 07/08/2019 21:50

@JellyfishAndShells I guess I just have four women who mean the world to me and want to come with me. Nothing wrong with that. And nothing wrong with what your daughter with. Each to their own. In total honesty, I'd feel it a bit of a let down to just go with my Mum. I don't get on with her, and there are other people I'd much rather be there.

OP posts:
JellyfishAndShells · 07/08/2019 21:58

I guess I missed the point at which it became a group activity for some people ( egged on by the wedding dress industry with their overinflated prices and offerings of cheap Prosecco ). I bought my wedding dress by myself, which was normal then- or just with their mother. If it is part of the wedding fun for you, then I hope you have a lovely time - and very best wishes for your wedding day ! !

Pretenditsaplan · 07/08/2019 21:58

Ahhh that makes more sense. I can see your dilemma then if you know its really come from her. Id still stick to your plan though as your not on the best terms. Just tell her how itll happen and she doesnt have to attend if she doesnt want to. If she gets vile just ignore her like you were ready too before.

Jent13c · 07/08/2019 22:02

My DF often tells me what to do and I'm just expected to go along with it but this year I decided no, I've been married for 7 years and have 2 kids of my own..my father does not get to make my decisions for me! This years cracker was he demanded I organised a family photoshoot for my husband and kids on a certain week...which just so happened I was around 10 weeks pregnant with a fat not yet bump and 3 coldsores and hormonal acne.

You want the others there, you want the dress trying on experience. It doesnt really matter what your mum or dad want. You quite probably wont even get your dress on day 1 anyway but will be nice to have there who you want when you first try some on. My mum was hopeless at wedding dress shopping as she didnt hear the brands or names so wrote in the notepad 'Dress 1-plain with 2 straps, looks nice'. Made it pretty difficult to find the styles online when I got home!

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2019 22:03

You need to stop pandering to your mother's emotional terrorism. Truth is, no matter what you do, she will find something to bitch and moan about. Stop playing her silly game.

BloomingHydrangea · 07/08/2019 22:04

Honestly I cant imagine why anyone would want to go to look at wedding dresses.

Pick one and then take 1 person to look at it if you must. What about your partner or DD?

HJWT2 · 07/08/2019 22:07

@Maccapacca24 OP ignore your mum and don't make your MIL suffer because she is selfish.

As a woman who is pregnant with a son its a big wake up call to realise one day he might marry a woman who doesn't want me to be apart of there life and makes me more sympathetic towards my MIL, but unfortunately my MIL is a fu..ing fruit loop! So if you have decent women in your life who love & cherish you keep them close & share these moments! Your mum doesn't give a sh.t about your feelings only her own!!

What will she be like when you have a baby? MIL can't come to the hospital or see baby before she does, nip it in the ass whilst you can!

inbetweenforever · 07/08/2019 22:07

I'd just take your MOH OP, no drama then.

CherryPavlova · 07/08/2019 22:08

I recently went with my daughter - just the two of us. It was my Mother’s Day gift to be allowed to get my card out. In truth, it was lovely and really, really special for me (I didn’t suggest it was just us two).
In the shop there were three other brides. All had several people with them and from appearances, I’d guess it was mothers, bridesmaids, sisters maybe. Possibly mother in laws. Clearly that is more normal than just the bride and mother.
One bride had her future husband there. It has to be up to you.

KC225 · 07/08/2019 22:12

Please don't be bullied into this by your narc mum. Do you really think this is going to be the only thing your Mother will demand you change? Your DF is wrong to emotionally blackmail you about this.

Your plan of the four women in your life sounds lovely. Your mother has been solo dress shopping with your sister. I think inviting your MIL is a lovely idea - she will really appreciate it.

Original poster
Maccapacca24 · 07/08/2019 22:13

Thanks guys, it's making me think should I just go alone reading all these replies.

@HJWT2 I already have my DD, but you're absolutely right. She practically bulldozed her way into the ward just 10 hours after I'd given birth with stitches and I was so upset I had to spend the night alone, hardly able to move whilst trying to look after DD. I was in a bloody nighty feeling so vulnerable and she just came. Then had a massive falling out with my dad's mum for congratulating me on FB before we'd announced her birth. It's bloody Facebook, I couldn't give two hoots about announcing it first. Made it all about her. So you're absolutely right, I need to stand my ground.

They're trying to push buying my dress. Which is lovely. Except she went totally overboard buying stuff for DD and then threw it back in our face saying we lied about our finances at the time. I cried because I didn't get to pick out our pram, or clothes, or Moses basket. We even ended up paying for 2/3 of the bloody pram she picked. Oooh I'm raging just thinking about it all again. My dad is just so lovely and calm and I love him to bits but I can't keep up with this bloody facade of actually being able to deal with my mum's shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maccapacca24 · 07/08/2019 22:16

@JellyfishAndShells it's funny you say that because I absolutely do not buy into that stuff. I recently bought a wedding dress online for £11 in the hope it may be suitable. Safe to say it was not. But I'm really not one of these bridezilla all about me types. Thank you for your well wishes.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/08/2019 22:19

Your Dad isn't as nice as you believe, he gets you tied up in knots appeasing your Mum to make his life easier...

He is an enabler just as dangerous as your Mum!

Rosetinted47 · 07/08/2019 22:24

OP I work in the bridal industry (and i know there is a contingent on mumsnet who like to shit on it but whatever).

I've come across my fair share of difficult Mum's so here are my top tips-

Firstly, it is your wedding you bring who you want. It sounds like having your MOH and Nan there might be helpful to you to stand up to your Mum if she is going to be difficult.

Find an established shop with a big number of good reviews - tell them your Mum may be trouble if you are bringing her, they will help you out. Quite often we will double team if there is a difficult Mum - one with you and one keeping her in check.

If you want, arrange to go in ahead of time with your MOH - this can be a secret. It'll give you a chance to find your style without your Mum 'poking' you. If you feel crap in something you rule it out and don;t try that style on at your appointment with her. Then she can't use it as a stick to beat you with. I have also kept these pre-appointments secret when asked to.

Take whoever you want to with you, you don't have to take your Mum. Easier said then done but don't let this happen with every decision about your wedding. Maybe test her by taking her to something less emotional - like a bridesmaid dress search.

And yes, wedding dresses can be expensive. For the uninitiated it isn't just the cost of the dress. It's the numerous samples you have to buy from each designer twice a year for Brides to try - you buy a sample for £400 and sell that style once before they discontinue it, well then your cost on that dress just doubled. This is coupled with - rent, utilities, staffing (we don't just work on appointments, there is all kinds of stuff behind the scenes that keeps us open 6 days a week without full books of appointments), business rates, VAT, insurance, cleaning - of the samples, costly irons and steamers to press the dresses, even special water! And we don't do cheap prosecco - that would add a whole other cost with licenses for the premises and individual (yes you need them, we checked). You don't have to buy a dress from an established, experienced, independent boutique - i've seen plenty of people buy second hand or online and whatever works for you - but then there aren't the same overheads. Same with buying from a bricks and mortar shop versus an online. I'm not saying there aren't bad bridal shops out there - like every industry - but it's not a simple as saying it is a rip off.

HJWT2 · 07/08/2019 22:30

@Maccapacca24 that is horrible, she sounds just like my MIL, who btw wore an ivory long dress to my wedding 😁🔪

Original poster
Maccapacca24 · 07/08/2019 22:33

@Rosetinted47 that's really good to know. Thank you so much. It's good to know the options are there to bring people at the dress shops in on my dysfunctional relationship with my mother 😂

Oh Jesus @HJWT2 that sounds crazy! I think it's ridiculous when people do that, like they literally just make themselves look total twats. You have my sympathies!

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 07/08/2019 22:43

I agree that your Dad is an enabler and that needs nipping in the bud. I don’t think you should go alone, go with your MOH and have a lovely stress free day.

Or go on “Say yes to the dress”, take the whole entourage and then your Mother will have to behave like an adult. Grin

NotStayingIn · 07/08/2019 22:51

Thanks guys, it's making me think should I just go alone reading all these replies. Nooooo please don’t do that, it really doesn’t sound like that is what you want.

First off, ignore everything your dad says. He wants an easy life, fine, but right now not your concern.

Do what you want, there is no right way. Maybe go with your nan and MOH first, then a second trip with your mom. She will moan about the nan and MOH trip, prepare for that and limit contact.

It seems such a shame to deprive your nan and MOH of this if they would love it and you would like to go with them. X

Indicative · 07/08/2019 23:05

I went on my own. It was then a surprise fir everyone on the day.

KC225 · 08/08/2019 01:36

What a lovely informative and positive post from rosetinted47. I hope you take some of her advice, for your dress shopping day. Having read your update regarding the birth of your DD please stand up for yourself OP. It's your day not hers. She had her wedding. Good luck

Yeahnahmum · 08/08/2019 04:26

Say no op.
Just. Say. No!
Tell her either she is coming with your nan mil moh etc, OR NOT AT ALL

And tell your dad to mind his business

PianoTuner567 · 08/08/2019 07:22

*Your Dad isn't as nice as you believe, he gets you tied up in knots appeasing your Mum to make his life easier...

He is an enabler just as dangerous as your Mum!*

This. A better Dad would call his wife out in her shit.

PianoTuner567 · 08/08/2019 07:22

*on

Whatisinaname1 · 08/08/2019 07:40

Agreed on your dad, he's behaving badly too.

Don't take her if she'll stress you out. Last thing you want is to be alone with her and be pressured into buying a dress you don't want. Go with all four and warn you MOH whst she'll be like or go first with MOH and when you've found the style take all 4.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 08/08/2019 07:44

Oh pls don’t change your plan OP. Forget the negatives on here, this is about what you want, not what other people think. Be strong, be firm and don’t let her pay. If she’ll hold it over you, as per the baby stuff, the cost in pounds takes second place to the emotional cost. Don’t do it. Do it all with a smile and dont let her win (pp emotional terrorism phrase is a good one here). You need to change this lifelong narrative and wrestle back control. Now is the perfect time.

Swipe left for the next trending thread