DM doesn't want anyone else to come wedding dress shopping with us? Aibu?

[Maccapacca24]

Long time lurker and have posted before about suspected narc DM but deleted account as worried about being outed.

So, have had a rocky relationship with family the last few years. DD came along and things got better. We're getting married next year, and things blew up again thanks to my DSis a few weeks ago with the same cycle of shit. I've brushed it under the carpet with DM as pointless trying to talk sense into her, and haven't spoken to my DSis in over a month after her vile antics.

Speaking to my DF today and we started to talk about weddings and dress shopping. I'd mentioned to DM that I would like to go with my MOH first as I'm picky and need to get an idea of what styles I like first. Then I was hoping my MoH, DM, DNan and maybe even MIL to be as we get on well and I think she'd enjoy it. Problem is, my DF today has said that I should just go with DM as I should use this as a bonding experience to make things better with us. I explained how I'm close to Nan but apparently I should remember everything mum has done for me, namely raising me.

I feel like I'm going to have to go separately with my MOH, Nan and future MIL just to satisfy my DM. What if I find the one with them?

I said I wasn't gonna get stressed about wedding planning but it seems everyone's got a bloody opinion about everything and part of me thinks hell no, if she doesn't want to come with the other important women in my life, then she can not come at all. She's somehow managed to make it all about her, once again.

Should I humour her? Should I say no, and why? I'm sick of it.

My daughter and I have watched countless Say Yes to the Dress episodes and have agreed it’s just me and her when dress shopping!
I had mine made so never went to an actual wedding dress shop. Easier, cheaper and totally unique.

People are quick to complain about ‘narcs’ but are more than happy to indulge and entertain them. Why would you even consider this? It’s your dress - grow a backbone and take who you want.

I agree that she’ll hold it over you if you let her pay. She’ll also think it gives her total say about what you choose.

DH’s Father said he’d like to pay for our honeymoon - what he didn’t tell us until the last minute was that he got to choose where we went and it would be a surprise. When we thanked him but said we’d like to choose where we went on our honeymoon he said “my way or you don’t get anything”. Needless to say we declined and paid for a much cheaper shorter honeymoon which we loved.

Narcissistic people never offer anything without strings attached.

Bloody hell uncle Jamie - what a bizarre ‘gift’??? I just don’t understand these people. So much about control. Pls OP, Stand your ground. I’m cross on your behalf that anyone should take the shine off any element of your day.

For those saying ‘just you’, ‘ just you and mum’ or whatever other set of bizarre wedding rules people are making up, we were emancipated so we had choices, not so women could make up universal rules instead of men. Surely you can see that this is a personal choice? Why should her mums formula be wrong but yours be right, ffs?

For me, we went to another city as a day out with me mum and BF, spent an hour in a dress shop I had planned, and then went for lunch, a wander, dinner and drinks and then home. A lovely day out with people who genuinely cared and were excited for me. I have better memories of that day than the wedding! (It was lovely but not keen on being centre of attention). Vive la difference. The important thing is that the OP makes these choices freely, no one else.

Please ignore the negative comments about why would anyone want to go wedding dress shopping. That is their opinion and not very helpful really
I took my mum, my MOH and my aunty and they loved it and felt very special I had asked them

OP if you can find the strength I would go with the people you want to and not take your Mum at all. She will try to bulldoze you into her choice of dress, and it won't be pretty when you don't agree with her.

If you feel you need to take her then the advice from the poster who works in the industry is best.

I went with mom and sis (MOH) but actually ended up buying a dress with an out of country friends who waa back for a visit. Two years later she shared the privilege if letting me go dress shopping with her.

Do what YOU want.

I was a bridesmaid last year and we t dress shopping with bride. Remember you will need to make appointments at the 'good' stores but some will have a wall in service to. Always check first by phone and plot your route so you are not doubling back constantly. We visited 5 stores o think.

walk in service.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I know what I need to do, I'm just so emotionally drained I don't feel.like I have the fight in me right now. I think I need to just say to her that Nan is coming whether she likes it or not, and she can either suck it up or stay at home. Although I can't see me actually being able to say that to her face.

People are quick to complain about ‘narcs’ but are more than happy to indulge and entertain them.

It’s not that, @PixieLumos - when you’ve grown up with a parent like this, you are trained to give into them because they instill FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) into you. You know the consequences of trying to set boundaries and be a normal adult - sulking, raging, crying from the Narc or subtle guilt tripping from them or the enabling parent. “Can’t you just do this one thing for Mum? After everything she’s done for you.” You’re made to feel that you are selfish, unreasonable and nasty for wanting basic things. Everyone tiptoes around them when actually their expectations of their adult children are not normal.

Very difficult to get your head around this when you’ve had normal parents with whom you’re allowed a normal adult to adult relationship.

I had a shit wedding dress shopping experience. For different reasons, but it still upsets me when I think of it. Please invite who you think will have a nice time with, those who will encourage and support you.

I think the mistake you are making is "suggesting" things (to people who aren't you or your fiancé).
I have a narc mother and we kept her mainly under control by providing minimal information, and simply informing her once decisions had been taken. She didn't like it much, but didn't kick off either. The less she knew, the less she could interfere

To be honest, this sounds stressful already so I would focus on what will make you happy. As a precious poster said, you want someone or the people who will support you, cheer for you and share the fun when you try on dresses (as well as their honest opinions!).

You do not want anyone self-centred, rude and likely to storm off if they don't get their way to take part in the wedding decisions. It will put just make it awkward and make you upset. You shouldn't have hurdles to climb when you get married when you should just be enjoying the experience.

Oh op, I wish you’d do EXACTLY what you want, not some half hearted attempt at compromise which won’t please anyone. She’s behaving like a toddler and needs treating like one - she is not to be indulged or you are enabling her bad behaviour. Do it by text by all means but say ‘I am going dress shopping on x date at x time and am inviting A, B and C (your ideal scenario). I’d love you to come too. Love OP’ . Liberate yourself from these ridiculous childhood ties. You are an adult. Take control of your own life.

Also judging by what you said about your pram that she chose... don't let her pay anything towards the dress.

Thank you everyone.

Thanks @IHateUncleJamie for explaining to PP, it's so hard to explain just how hard it is to break out of the cycle.

@seven201 I'm so sorry you had a bad experience. I really hope your wedding more than made up for it :)

@zzzzzzzz12345 you're absolutely right. Problem is I've already spoken to my Dad and tries to be diplomatic and take what he said on board. Think is, it's this constant them of, but what about your mother, she did so much for you growing up. And that makes me feel guilty. I'm also one of these that feels the need to share with people. I'm a very open person by nature but sometimes I indulge things then thing wtf. It's worse with my parents, and I do wonder whether I've been conditioned to be like this. It's like a compulsive need to be close and open and all that rubbish. I'm actively trying to be better at that. They have form for saying I've lied to them in the past when I haven't told them everything so that doesn't help.

I'm going to go and see her this morning and try and sort this out quickly. I just need to be able to say it in a way she can't argue with.

@ollo this worries me so much. I actually was totally honest with my dad yesterday when he brought it up and reasoned saying after that you can understand why I'd be hesitant. I said we really don't need money (they're struggling and trying to help my sister who is having a very expensive wedding as her fiance's parents are helping out) so I've basically said I'd much rather have practical help. I'm going to try and grow my own flowers so suggested perhaps me and mum could plant some in their garden, and maybe I could take some flowers that were transferred from my great grandmas garden when she died. In honesty I'd much prefer that to them paying for my dress. But I know when it comes down to it it's going to be taken as an insult and be a very real reminder that the things they say have consequences.

@Maccapacca24 I would honestly just say that you're going wedding dress shopping, you'd love her to join you, and you'll also be inviting nan and MIL. She can choose to join you all, or if she'd rather not, she can not. Then don't engage conversation around it. It will be really hard, but it works for me if I just keep thinking about the choice she's got and reminding myself that I don't need to expand on it or offer compromises.

That's a good deal. She can come with you. Repeat yourself if you have to. If she's awkward about it and decides not to come, that was her call.

We sound quite similar, I'm very open and it backfires with families like ours. I have to stop myself!

All the best this morning.

Very difficult to get your head around this when you’ve had normal parents with whom you’re allowed a normal adult to adult relationship.

Interesting assumption to make about someone you don’t actually know from one comment they’ve made. Thanks for that (incorrect) analysis.
OP clearly recognises that her relationship with her mum isn’t healthy or normal - from there one she needs to take some steps to set boundaries and take responsibility for the way she responds to her mum’s behaviour - not easy at all I’m sure, but necessary. This comes from someone, despite what you think, actually didn’t have ‘normal’ parents. I had a very complicated relationship with my mum (I’m not going to diagnose with NPD or call her a ‘narc’ because unlike many others on this forum I’m not some arm @chair psychologist). I’ve set boundaries and learned to stand up for myself - people with narcissistic dendencies take advantage of those who don’t. OP has more control of the situation than she realises.

@PixieLumos I'm so glad you've managed to take steps to set boundaries with your parents.

PP is completely right about my situation however, and it's possible they may remember my previous threads about this sort of behaviour.

I've only started to realise she has narcissistic tendencies but it really helps me to be able to put a label on it and say no, this is not right. Especially when you're constantly questioning whether things are reasonable or not. It's also helped me realise that no amount of talking or reasoning will help. That works for me. May not for you. Each to their own.

@AnchorDownDeepBreathe thank you. Its so hard isn't it when you're an open book and have to stop yourself! I just think being open and honest is a nice thing with normal people. I'm going to try and implement what you've said today. I just feel guilty as my Dad is so diplomatic when he talks to me about it. I can't seem to get my head around the fact that he's really not helping. I think he just really wants us all to get on. He keeps pushing me to speak to my sister, but that's a whole new thread.

@Maccapacca24 That sounds like a lovely idea about the flowers and hopefully your dad and mum will understand that'll be an great way to bond. How did your father react? He obviously has great intentions of getting along together but you can't force these things with anyone. Baby steps are best!

Also I think if you're in the stages of repairing your relationship with your mother, your father surely can understand that it won't happen at the cost of what you want. If your nan, MoH and MIL are important females in your life, that has to be accepted by both your DM and DF. 😊 It can only be a positive thing that you have so many people you love and that love you!

The more complicated you make a wedding, the more chances there are for people to get offended by something. With a difficult family, you're really courting disaster by having multiple stages and levels of involvement like this. Just choose the dress you like and if you must turn it into some kind of event, do something with all of the parties there.

The best advice I can give anyone about weddings is that, whatevre you do, SOMEONE will get offended. So instead of trying to please everyone, do what you want to do and fuck it all.

You take who you want to take. It's about you. Tell him it will mean you have more opinions as what you like your mum may not. Better to have more than one. If FMIL has no daughters tell him this could be her only chance to do this too. Plus it would mean your mum not sitting on her own for ages when they are getting you in the dress