To make the neighbours babysit

[Ritatheryvita]

Background: Dd is 8 months old. Her sleep is awful. She really fights naps and sleep. Breastfeeding and Co-sleeping no longer works. Last night I couldn't get her to sleep until 11pm having tried to put her down at 6.30pm when she was clearly tired. She'd had a total of a 20 minute nap all day.

Today she napped at 8am for 45 minutes - yay! Then put her down again at 12 and she fell asleep within a few minutes - double yay! Then our next door neighbour got out his chainsaw and started hacking away at his apple tree so she's now had a 10 min nap and is completely wired. This is it now, she'll get no more sleep until bedtime. I have to take dd1 to the Dr's for 2pm which is a 20 minute walk away and she will talk the entire way there and back thus rendering it impossible for her sister to sleep.

So, would I be unreasonable to take the baby next door and ask them to deal with her for the rest of the day because she's going to be absolutely miserable all afternoon and, yet again, dd1 will have to be completely ignored whilst I deal with the baby.

(FYI - neighbour knows the baby's sleep is awful because they have commented on hearing her cry and I told them about how crap her sleep is. They know I'm at home and I was putting her down for a nap at 12 because they spoke to me at 11. 50 when we were in the garden and I told them I was going in to put her down for a nap!!)

How old is DD1? Can you not tell her to be quiet on the walk?

Stifling a 4 year old conversation when she is on a walk with her mum is just plain mean.

Most 4yo chatter is incessant at that age.

Do you want her to end up resenting the baby, feeling that she isn't allowed to speak when you're trying to get them to sleep.

That is madness that nobody is even allowed to TALK when getting you baby to sleep.

As predicted the baby didn't sleep on the way to the drs as Dd1 spoke non-stop. She's almost 4, she knows she should be quiet but she won't do it.

Oh come on! You make your 3 year old be quiet on a walk out because your baby won’t sleep with even a whisper of noise?

Tbh I don’t think your DDs chatting is what is keeping your baby awake. Chatting is a perfectly normal noise that babies learn to tune out every early on for napping. Do you expect your house to be silent for naps?

I had a non sleeper who turned out to have sensory modulation issues - sleep training wouldn't have worked for him and he didn't sleep for mor than 45 minutes until he was 2.5. There would have been no way of knowing why he didn't sleep while he was under 1 really, though an unwillingness to eat soluds was also a sign. He was and still is spit on with milestones. Carrying him all the time and letting him sleep on me helped (he was dc3 born when his siblings were 5.5 and 3 so not easy) cosleeping in the ordinary sense didn't work - he would only sleep lying on me. This is partly why I sympathise with the OP and why I would never be so fucking inconsiderate to my own neighbours. If I'd only had my fairly text book dcs 1 & 2 maybe I'd have thought you were being precious, but I remember real, long term sleep deprivation vividly.

Equally I wouldn't make loud avoidable noise if an elderly or unwell neighbour had jyst a few short minutes earlier told me they were having trouble sleeping and going for a midday nap. The utter selfishness of people who would is depressing.

I'm glad I like somewhere where we are considerate of one another.

I also think this thread would have gone very differently if the op had said "AIBU to let my nearly 4 year old and her best friend play and shriek to their hearts' content in the shaded paddling pool at lunch time on this lovely sunny day even though my 85 year old neighbour had juat told me she's not sleeping well in the heat and was going for a nap?"

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart I don't expect dd to be silent but it would be nice if she would turn the volume down or take a breather for 30 seconds. Tbh, her incessant chatter sometimes leaves my ears ringing. I know she feels left out, and if the baby has a decent nap then I'm able to spend one on one time with dd1 and she gets a lot more of my attention. If the baby hasn't napped then she ends up taking up more of my time and dd1 then gets left to her own devices. I'm not sure what else I can do but I'm happy to take on board any advice/tips you can give me?

An 8mth old can sleep through anything usually. You cannot expect your neighbours to consider your childs daytime napping routine ( which you freely admit, does not actually exist!).

You'd be better off trying to stick to a nap free daytime so you know DC will be very tired in the evening. If DC is fighting the naps, there's little to be gained by fighting nature. Get a good routine going which you do not change, no matter what DC does e.g

1. Evening meal
2. Bathtime ( with Lavender helps some)
3. Cuddle and story time (in bed)with night bottle/favourite toy/ dummy/ blankie
4. Sleep time.

No TV, no games/ playing etc. Keep the whole routine very calm and speak softly.

It sounds like you try too hard and too often to get DC to sleep ( and I realise it's cos you know they're tired), but it's coming across as quite a tense time ? If you make sleeping a battle then they will always resist, cos you're tense when you try too hard, then DC is tense etc and you go round in circles.

I hope you get an answer that works for you both, this is just what worked for me. Neither of my DC had daytime naps from around 5-6 months cos they fought it. I gave up trying and resigned myself to a grumpy DC from 4-6pm for a while. Fortunately they quickly slept from 6pm to 6am and were then quite happy all day, but really ready for bedtime. :)

Best of luck xx

I'm not sure what else I can do but I'm happy to take on board any advice/tips you can give me?

Let your DD talk whilst walking. You don’t need to give the baby attention while walking as she is in the pram so this is a perfect opportunity for your older DD to feel like she is getting your full attention. Don’t stamp on it by making her be quiet so the baby can sleep. The baby won’t sleep anyway.

@spam390 I'm not sure I could cope with her having no naps, she's so miserable when that happens! However, I agree nap and bedtimes probably are getting tense which she is probably picking up on.

Your evening routine is the same as mine down to the lavender oil except when she refuses to sleep.

Up until 6 months she'd sleep through anything and was a breeze to get to sleep. She slept through as a newborn!

You know they hear your baby cryx but your annoyed you can hear their chainsaw??

@Rosesarere I saw the neighbours at the weekend and they commented on hearing the baby cry a lot, they mentioned that they never use to hear her (she use to be very content) and asked if she was OK. I explained that her sleep has been really bad recently, she's very tired and very grumpy. Her peak crying time is around 4pm-6pm-ish, it's not overnight but I accept it probably isn't fun for them to listen To (although it doesn't last the whole duration and if she has had a decent nap will be very content). She doesn't really cry overnight, she normally wants a feed which she gets but she then sometimes struggles to get back to sleep and on those nights she just chatters away to herself rather than cries. I really doubt that is disturbing the neighbours sleep but obviously I can't say for certain.

Also, ( sorry, forgot to say before posting), why don't you enlist your other DC as 'mummy's helper' to help keep your 8mth old awake until supper time ?

My 1st DC was always happy to try to amuse my younger DC in their highchair while I was cooking and I could watch both at the same time while I cooked.

It was a great time for older DC as they were being 'a fantastic big brother' and earning lots of praise for singing nursery rhymes, counting blocks for the baby, retrieving dropped toys and making youngest DC laugh by being silly etc ( it's how we found out our youngest LOVES slapstick comedy !) and eldest got heaps of praise and developed a great sense of pride in helping and being 'the bestest big brother ever!' Plus I could be part of everything and no-one felt neglected. It helped both kids develop a great relationship with each other and helped them both be ready for nursery as I would encourage the eldest by asking if he could tell youngest DC what colour things were etc so both learned colours, numbers, rhymes etc. It carried on through nursery and primary with the eldest being keen to 'share' what he learned with his little 'shadow'.

Youngest continued to be entranced by big brother and always wanted to be by his side until they hit puberty. :)

p.s. youngest would've screamed constantly if I was the one trying to keep them amused, but for some reason wouldn't cry when big brother was doing it. I actually think it was because I was tense but big brother wasn't.

Good luck in finding what works for your DC.
xx

They were originally being polite saying they couldn't hear your baby clearly had enough now they can obs hear .

OP, I totally sympathise with you. I had two pole sleepers and it leaves you a bit delusional. You become obsessed with it to the point that every little break to the routine you so desperately put in place in desperation becomes a drama. It's almost like OCD and you stsrt resenting anyone that gets 8n the way even when do nothing wrong.

It's OK to be angry, but try as much as possible to not let it affect your relationships. At best, you can try explain your eldest that you'll play a game of being quiet and trying to guess something by pointing it out until bsbybis asleep, or learning sinlgn language etc... With the neighbour, if you see him getting his chainsaw out, can you just call him over and very politely, explain the sleeping situation and ask if there is anyway that they wait 1h.

It will get better but in the meantime, I sympathise, looking after lively poor sleeping little ones is a very different experience to looking after self stimulating good sleeper ones.

The only thing that worked for mine was dropping the nap and bringing bedtime forward to 5 🤷‍♀️

YANBU because you told them moments before that you were going to put her down for a nap. Leave both children with them.

I also think this thread would have gone very differently if the op had said "AIBU to let my nearly 4 year old and her best friend play and shriek to their hearts' content in the shaded paddling pool at lunch time on this lovely sunny day even though my 85 year old neighbour had juat told me she's not sleeping well in the heat and was going for a nap?"

I disagree.

Children shrieking and screaming is a behaviour that tends to be modified as part of of good behaviour. Not necessary.

Hedge cutting, building works etc is necessary

I agree with you.

Seriously this lady is being deadly serious, the question is silly and quite frankly rude. unless the next door neighbors are psychic, why would they know shes sleeping. They are free do do as they feel. You need to start some sleep training or get professional advice. World doesnt revolve around you and your baby.

I wouldnt put my life on hold for my next doors neighbours baby op.
The world doesnt revolve around your baby sorry.
Plus if your baby cries and whinges the whol afternoon and you leave the doors wide open, your neighbours probably are just done with it. I would be. God... nothing more annoying then a crying baby.

And also: just take both kids to wherever you are going. Yeah it is going to suck for the oldest maybe because of the less attention. But such is life with a baby and a toddler...

Shannatate the point is that the neighbour knew the baby was sleeping because the op had just told her, less than ten minutes ago.

People are so desperate to put a mother of a young baby in her place they lose the ability to read.

And your point is?

)that neighbour should not carry out normal activities during cod’s nap?)

The world doesn't revolve around your baby's sleep patterns unfortunately! It's pretty CF of you to expect your neighbours to change what they want to do because of it!!

Does not matter it remains the same they are not obligated to keep quite and they are perfectly able to use a chainsaw whenever they like. Also I was refering to her first post which does state she told them first. Might have been on another message she wrote, which I did not read as I was replying to the first one. Also what if one of the other neighbours wanted to play music at an acceptable level but was waking the baby, they are not obliged to turn it down because she asked. The truth is the next door neighbours don't care if she has a baby, and arent breaking the law. Or maybe they didnt realise it was that loud to disterb the baby as they may not be aware of the layout of house and where the baby sleeps. Either way its not 3am so its not breaking the law it's just inconsiderate. The fact her baby doesnt sleep well regardless, should probably seek professional advice. Is that unreasonable to say.

YABU. Your baby is not the centre of the universe, the world still goes on.

I have young children including a baby but wouldn’t think not to use a saw, lawnmower, vacuum etc during the day purely on the off chance someone’s baby is having a nap. How was your neighbour even to know your baby was napping at that time??