AIBU to be absolutely furious with this swim instructor?

[KJaggard1]

So my dd (7) just got moved up to stage 2 in her swimming lessons, she can swim 5m with floats, and this means she’s also moved up to the ‘big’ pool which is deeper and even with half the length cut off it’s still out of her depth one end. She was very nervous last week and refused to jump into the deeper end. I told the instructor that she’s very nervous about the big pool and needs to build her confidence. So this week my dd was still extremely anxious and again refused to jump in, although she did appear to give it serious consideration this week so a tiny improvement, she wasn’t holding up the lesson as the other kids were happily jumping in past my dd with the other instructor in the pool assisting them. Anyway after a few minutes of cajoling the instructor just out of the blue from behind picked up my daughter under her arms and dropped her into the pool. (She’s quite young, early 20’s maybe she got frustrated 🤷‍♀️) The other instructor was there and pulled her up but she had gone under for a few seconds. My dd was upset and refused to speak to anyone while she was assisted to the shallow end and just stood at the side mute, and clearly upset. It was the end of the lesson and obviously I immediately got up, I told my dd the lesson was done and she could get out (the other kids already got out) and asked her if the teacher had told her she was going to put her in before she did it, she said no, I said did you want her to do that? She said no. So I told the instructor and the swim manager who was also supervising the lesson that I was unhappy (as calmly and politely as I could so as not to blow it up in my daughter’s mind), I made it clear that I wasn’t concerned for her safety as that wasn’t at risk but that she needs to trust her teachers in order to gain confidence and that I felt they’d betrayed her trust and damaged her confidence further in all likelihood and achieved nothing as the confidence had to come from dd. They just looked at me incredulous like I was a crazy person and said if it was really that big of a problem they wouldn’t do it again. No apology or even any indication they thought it was wrong. I’ve been a parent for 19 years, and been present at hundreds of swimming lessons in that time and I’ve never witnessed an instructor put a child into the pool without warning against their will before, and a nervous non-swimmer at that, I thought it was a given that you just didn’t do that to another person 7 or 70? They just kinda laughed nervously at me whilst I told them it was entirely unacceptable in my view. Dd now doesn’t want to go back. AIBU? Am I being overprotective? Is this acceptable behaviour? Would you take your child back?

This is a very wrong and old fashioned way of teaching. Awful. I would complain and then remove your daughter from their classes. Look for a swim school that have teachers in the water at beginner level and do not use swimming aids attached to the body (foam woggles and teachers in the water to support the children). These types of lessons are more expensive but as with most things, you get what you pay for. Feel sorry for your DD.

My mum trained as a swimming teacher in the early 80s. It was seen as old fashioned bad practice then.

Jesus christ. I'm in my 30s, a very confident & competent swimmer, but being thrown/pushed/dropped into a pool with no warning would scare me!

Agree with PPs that you shouldn't force her into lessons with this 'school' after this. I hated swimming lessons as a child, but really got into it when I was allowed to just mess about in a local pool, or at the coast. Ended up representing my county as a teenager, because I was allowed to take things at my own pace.

You sound like you handled the situation very well in front of your DD, and that's really important. I'm sure you won't let this one awful occurence determine how she feels about swimming forever.

This happened to my grandmother at a swimming lesson as a child even now she can't put her face under a shower or swim other than an awkward breast stroke with her face out of the water at all times. Wtf is wrong with them! I take DS to swimming lessons and he is dunked without his consent because he is 8 months old and it is to get him used to it before he knows what fear and consequences really are. He actually loves it, but what they've done to your daughter will just damage her confidence in the water even further!

This happened to me as a kid and I refused to ever go back to lessons as I was so upset and petrified. I'm a fairly poor swimmer now and still nervous of the water.

This happened to me when I was 6. I can clearly remember looking up whilst under the water and seeing all the water above me. I was petrified. That was nearly 40 years ago. Still can't put my face in the water when swimming.

Don't go back. And complain in writing to the whoever is in charge.

Your poor dd.

I would in your situation sleep on it and contact the swim school tomorrow to make a complaint. Probably by email, as you will be able to be composed and not emotional like you might be on the phone.

I would be guided by your daughter if she wants to return to that particular swim school.

In the meantime I would try and take your dd swimming, she will probably have more confidence with you in the water. If that’s not possible, 1-2-1 lessons for little bit if you can afford it would be great.

Many swim schools do intensive lessons for a week in the holidays - so half an hour for 5 days. This might be beneficial too in boosting/regaining her confidence.

My dd has gone from being refusing to put her head under water and needing arm bands to swimming like a fish with no arm bands in the space of 3 weeks. I now struggle to get her to stop messing around under water! Once I sussed she needed me in the pool for reassurance she came on leaps and bounds. Paying for lessons wouldn’t have necessarily got us where we are now. I know that’s difficult with 6 kids but even if you manage 1 or 2 sessions with you in a small pool you might find it will help.

Everything Too says, except we didn’t live in a lovely climate abroad. But our kids were used to romping and splashing and being thrown around in the pool and could dog paddle underwater, coming up for a breath, from a very young age.

And when they went to swimming classes, at five or six or so, they simply whizzed up the grades, because all the needed was to learn the strokes; I think they only did about a year each. But they are all very decent, confident swimmers.

That is not acceptable in so many levels I would not send my daughter back and I would make a written complaint. It’s dangerous!

I know other people are saying to manage your response to make it less traumatic and less of a big deal.. but how about making it absolutely clear that it is a big deal when someone touches your body in a harmful and frightening way? Maybe she could help to write a sensible and measured letter of complaint to learn to assert herself and challenge those that have done something harmful to her.

I would have loved to take them swimming more often but as I have 3 7&under I have to have adult company to go which doesn’t happen every week, my husband is allergic to chlorine and my older kids and family are busy living their own lives so we go whenever we can which is still a fair bit even so, and as I say she’s not scared of the water just getting out of her depth before she’s ready. I’ve been talking with her before today about bravery and courage and how we only get to practice it when we’re scared and reminded her of how her heroines didn’t give up when it got scary, unfortunately those stories will now probably frame her instructor as the villain lol. I’m just a firm believer that we can only learn when we feel safe in the care of the one we are learning from, that they won’t push us beyond the point we’re able unless we’re willing, I’m pretty sure pedagogical research would back me up on that. I fear I may well have to fork out for 1to1 now or get some childcare to take her myself as I think I’m going to be labelled a ‘difficult ‘ parent there now

No, that's not on at all.

A swimming instructor did exactly the same thing to me when I was 7 and it has left me with a life long aversion to swimming. I can still remember the absolute panic as the water closed over my head. I hate being out of my depth even now.

I would complain. Hopefully it would hammer home to them that it is not an acceptable way to "teach" children.

I hope you find an alternative teacher for your DD.

“ but how about making it absolutely clear that it is a big deal when someone touches your body in a harmful and frightening way?”

Absolutely this.

I would move her to a different swim school and I'd tell them and her why. It's not on for someone to pick her up unless she's in danger. She is owed ownership of her own person.

A swim instructor unexpectedly flipped my DD on to her back which terrified her.
DD hated swimming lessons so much after that experience she couldn't relax said she was scared the instructor would do it again. She couldn't trust her anymore and got in a real state before lessons. She stopped lessons shortly after and can't swim.
Twat of an instructor took the view that once she'd experienced it even under duress she'd be fine.
YWNBU

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all!

The instructor shouldn't have done it, especially as she won't know your daughter well enough to know if actually she'll jump in and enjoy it.

My DS2 is a nervous little character, it holds him back a lot. In certain situations ( where I know he'd actually enjoy it if he could just do the first step) I'd force him to get him over the first hurdle. However I know him very well, know what his limits are and know how happy he'd be if he succeeds

I actually think you're right to frame the instructor as 'the villain' tbh.

Not in a 'that person deliberately scared you' but 'that person misjudged how to help you and frightened you. They might have been well intentioned, but they got it wrong. You felt scared, like most people do in that situation ' sort of way.

If you can afford 1:1 lessons, then they really are worth the investment. For my ds, 6 x 1:1 lessons progressed him from 'push and glide' to swimming lengths with much less fear of being out of his depth. He could then go into a class with children his own age and now loves swimming.

My dsis wasd pushed in by an instructor when she was about 10 she now has a fear of swimming pools completely out of order

I'm not a big fan of swimming instructors. Most of the ones I've met are a severe harsh and unfriendly. We gave up in the end and taught them ourselves.

Some children can cope with this sort of thing - but others will be totally put off by it.

My mother was "taught" to swim like this and as a result can't stand people touching or being too close to her in the water or being anywhere near out of her depth - she loves swimming, but can't get over the fears instilled in her as a child.

My mother will also absolutely NOT put her head under water due to this style of teaching.

Which organisation accredits the swim scheme? I would contact them and ask if this is their recommended way to encourage non swimmers to enter the pool.
I don't believe any scheme would recommend pushing/ dropping non swimmers into water with no warning.
I would then report the teacher and the manager. They seriously need to be made to stop this practice immediately. And then take your DD elsewhere.
I hated a swimming teacher who just used to splash water in my DS's face. I knew it would not help him in any way. I took him out of the group. Personally, as a child, it took me a long time to confidently put my face in the water. All my non swimming club friends could jump in way before I could. I went on to break several senior county records.

Happened to me as a child and I have never ever forgotten it or how it made me feel.

My mum didn’t make me go back to those lessons. I just did fun swimming with family some weekends and in the holidays, and had formal lessons with school later. I love the water, it thankfully didn’t put me off for life and I learned to swim just fine, if a little later than my peers. However if I’d been made to go back to that instructor I would have been a wreck and things may have turned out differently. I’d find another class.

She needs gentle, 1 to 1 swimming lessons. I would do it sooner rather than later. All the best!

After my 5 year old ds had a swim instructor scoop up water in 2 hands and drop it on my sons head for not listening properly and paying attention very stong words were had. Ds has a moderate hearing loss and i had gone into great detail with this swim instructor about what he would not be able to hear and how to help him, all of which were ignored. We transferred him to a different pool and under a new instructor who actually listened to me and double checked instructions given with ds he flourished.