AIBU to be absolutely furious with this swim instructor?

[KJaggard1]

So my dd (7) just got moved up to stage 2 in her swimming lessons, she can swim 5m with floats, and this means she’s also moved up to the ‘big’ pool which is deeper and even with half the length cut off it’s still out of her depth one end. She was very nervous last week and refused to jump into the deeper end. I told the instructor that she’s very nervous about the big pool and needs to build her confidence. So this week my dd was still extremely anxious and again refused to jump in, although she did appear to give it serious consideration this week so a tiny improvement, she wasn’t holding up the lesson as the other kids were happily jumping in past my dd with the other instructor in the pool assisting them. Anyway after a few minutes of cajoling the instructor just out of the blue from behind picked up my daughter under her arms and dropped her into the pool. (She’s quite young, early 20’s maybe she got frustrated 🤷‍♀️) The other instructor was there and pulled her up but she had gone under for a few seconds. My dd was upset and refused to speak to anyone while she was assisted to the shallow end and just stood at the side mute, and clearly upset. It was the end of the lesson and obviously I immediately got up, I told my dd the lesson was done and she could get out (the other kids already got out) and asked her if the teacher had told her she was going to put her in before she did it, she said no, I said did you want her to do that? She said no. So I told the instructor and the swim manager who was also supervising the lesson that I was unhappy (as calmly and politely as I could so as not to blow it up in my daughter’s mind), I made it clear that I wasn’t concerned for her safety as that wasn’t at risk but that she needs to trust her teachers in order to gain confidence and that I felt they’d betrayed her trust and damaged her confidence further in all likelihood and achieved nothing as the confidence had to come from dd. They just looked at me incredulous like I was a crazy person and said if it was really that big of a problem they wouldn’t do it again. No apology or even any indication they thought it was wrong. I’ve been a parent for 19 years, and been present at hundreds of swimming lessons in that time and I’ve never witnessed an instructor put a child into the pool without warning against their will before, and a nervous non-swimmer at that, I thought it was a given that you just didn’t do that to another person 7 or 70? They just kinda laughed nervously at me whilst I told them it was entirely unacceptable in my view. Dd now doesn’t want to go back. AIBU? Am I being overprotective? Is this acceptable behaviour? Would you take your child back?

A swimming instructor did this to my 3 yo DD. She was hysterical ad ages 5 will still not agree to swimming lessons out of fear.

Sorry for typos, hopefully you can make sense of it!!

I taught swimming for over ten years and would never have done this to a child. It can destroy their confidence completely. I would either try to find another teacher or, preferably, find a different pool that’s of a more appropriate height. Stage 2 does not require them to submerge or jump in and they should feel comfortable, I had many 4 year olds in stage 2 lessons and they did sometimes find it hard to touch the floor during lessons so they were kept closer to the side.

The day I stopped swimming lessons as a kid was the day the instructor pushed me into the pool with no warning. I could swim very well by that point but we were doing life saving lessons. We were using poles to reach out to someone in the water. She came along and asked me why I should be laying down next to the pool instead of standing up with the pole. I said I didn't know. She said but what if I did this and pushed me into the pool. In my shock I went fully under, water up nose, coughing with eyes and nose running etc. I got out the pool, went and got changed in the changing room and refused to ever go back. My Mum fully agreed with my choice. I still remember it clear as day. If someone did similar to my child I wouldn't be going back.

Not ok at all. I know someone who had a similar experience as a child (in the1950's) and still remembers it. Not a good way to build confidence in the water at all.

My parents organised swimming lessons for me at the local pool when I was around 7.

I was fairly confident in water and learned how to swim relatively easily. HOWEVER I had an intense fear of being out of my depth and refused to venture near the deep end.

At the end of the block of lessons there was a "ceremony" with certificates. You had to jump in the deep end, swim a length, then climb out to applause and collect your certificate.

Whilst I could, technically, swim a length I was not willing to jump in the deep end (and never had during any of the lessons). I explained to the instructor I didn't want to jump in and he said "fine just walk down". I turned around to walk down the side and he picked me up and threw me in. I managed to swim the length and get my certificate.

I was however TRAUMATISED. I had nightmares about it. I refused to go anywhere near a swimming pool afterwards. I actually never set foot in a pool again for years (and even then I had to be in my depth).

I think you are entirely right to kick up a fuss. My parents didn't and I wish they had.

Not at all unreasonable.

I'm 45 years old and an instructor pushed me into the pool when I was about 12. I hit the water with such a force my nose bled. I never did a swimming lesson again choosing to either bring notes or hide around the school.
To this day I can barely swim and the fear of water splashing on my face is very much real. I panic in shallow water and even my en suite shower I can't use the main head because I feel like I'm drowning under the pressure.

That's the extreme of the effect. Hopefully your dd will brush this off and regain her confidence but that instructor should not be working with children and I'd be nuclear I think.

I didn't read the other replies, but as a fomer swimming teacher: No, absolutely not acceptable! And I've never seen colleagues do that either or get the impression they'd consider something like this to be ok.

My DS at a similar age to yours was also really scared when moved up to the deep end, in spite of being (relatively) competent at swimming. Teachers were kind, supportive and patient. No-one pushed him in; within a month or two he'd gradually got over the fear and that was that. Your poor DD.

I don’t think it’s necessarily right that she put your daughter in the water (which does happen to some kids if they don’t cooperate), but I think your reaction will also shape the way your daughter reacts to this.

You could have turned this on its head and used the experience to show your daughter that, look, she might not think it’s very nice but it’s it amazing that she got put in the water and nothing bad happened? She could join the others and paddle/swim just like everyone else.

You could boost her confidence by building her up to deal with situationa instead of just getting angry at other people.

🤷🏽‍♀️ Shit happens. You need to teach your kid how to deal with situations in the best way possible and if she’s not confident make her see past why she’s not confident and confront fears (like water).

So on that basis YABU

Yes the teacher was a bit of a tit though, it’s not the way I would go about it but it won’t do any harm (unless you let it and you reinforce the idea that dd’s fear was ok).

As they think it's acceptable I think you should find another instructor. Their 'teaching' method is not on and I wouldn't hesitate to move dd. It took 3 instructors before dd finally swam. First was a nutter who seemed to like to make the kids cry, second guy was simply impatient but I found a guy to give 1-1 lessons and she flew through them. He had the patience of a saint and was lovely. Ds is getting lessons and his teacher is also very patient. Some kids will jump in for her, Ds won't so she holds out one of the long noodle things for him to grab hold of. Then he will attempt it. You need to find someone who your child will gel with and who has more patience than your current instructor.

TBH, I think taking your children swimming when they are babies is really important to build confidence, then if needed formal lessons later to improve technique, but clearly some pps on here weren’t arsed about that and then end up with children who are scared of swimming.

ODFO with your twatty, supercilious comment.

Yes the teacher was a bit of a tit though, it’s not the way I would go about it but it won’t do any harm (unless you let it and you reinforce the idea that dd’s fear was ok).

Well, judging by the experiences of several posters on here it can, in fact, do a lot of harm, up to leading to a lifelong fear of water.

So no, not ok at all, OP, I'd be furious too.

I think you did the right thing but not making a big deal in front of your DD. I also think you would not be at all unreasonable to make a formal complaint.

DD could swim a basic doggy paddle before starting swimming lessons at 5. Would happily dive down and do handstands, pick up sticks etc. She started one-to-one lessons with the same instructor who’d taught her older brother. Seeing she could swim, but tended to put a foot down every so often he took her to the deep end and told her he would have a hand under her. When she started struggling he shouted “swim! Swim! You can swim!” which she did for a while before panicking and swallowing lots of water. She was very, very upset. Stupidly, I thought the instructor had misjudged it and learnt his lesson so allowed her to go back. She ended up with a fear of water that took THREE YEARS and a hell of a lot of time and money to lift. Even now, although she has beautiful technique, she is very reluctant to swim out of her depth.

The instructor came up with a load of bullshit as to how his methods taught children that the water was nothing to be feared and how it would stop them panicking if they ever fell in water or had a near-drowning experience. To be fair, this technique had worked really well with DS who loved his lessons and progressed at lightening speed. However, it clearly did not work for all children and once I had withdrawn DD I was inundated with similar stories from other parents.

That should have said I think you did the right thing BY not making a big deal in front of your DD

Appropriateadult
You don’t fully know the context of the other posters’ fears though and how their parents helped them (or not)

I say this as someone who had a fear of water (specifically, drowning) after a few incidents. Friends and family help me cope and do not pander to fear.

I have recently restarted swimming lessons as an adult, no way would I be going back if an instructor treated me like that. That's a terrible and unprofessional way to treat a nervous child and is far more likely to harm her confidence than improve it

I’ve seen this happen in countless swimming lessons when I’ve taken children from school. I’ve never seen a child fail to learn to swim as a result.

That's so worrying that you think that's okay. I've a nervous 9 year old that would give up for life if someone did that to him. OP am fuming for you too,but agree with the person that says your daughter will look to your reaction. Hope the next time she goes she has a better experience. By the way am also livid that they looked at you like you were mad when you told them it wasn't on, it really shows swimming instructors are a world away from the people they teach, they don't get it

Happened to my DS aged 2 (pulled in rather than pushed but even so) we left immediately and I told the instructor we wouldn’t be back.
She was very shocked and said she was an expert who had taught hundreds of children to swim like that, I said I didn’t care
Strong encouragement is fine but pushing or pulling kids in the water isn’t on

YANBU This is awful behaviour. My mum was thrown in by her instructor in the 60s where she had to have her lungs pumped of water. Cue a nearly 60 year old woman with a lifelong phobia of water that comes any higher than ankle height. She doesn't even like the water from the shower on her face.

Take your DD somewhere else, there are loads of nice instructors around. My son had a great one who really built his confidence and improved his skills

I’m shocked at this and some of the responses

I also thought this “method” was stopped decades ago. Some people really do work with children just to bully them.

Jacquetta Cross post

Your poor mum!

I’m surprised the stage 2 class was in the big pool. They are still non-swimmers really. At mine, the 3s are still largely in the teaching pool with the odd bit of a lesson in the main pool. It is the stage 4 kids and up that are in the big pool and they all look pretty good to me (I think my pool is quite picky about when they go up).

In my daughters pre-school class, there was a massive range between the fearless (mine), the stroppy and the scared. The teacher was always brilliant at differentiating and knowing when to push and when to find an easier task for the scared ones. She’d never push the scared ones in and while yours is older, I’d expect the same care in beginner classes.

I was pushed into the (very) deep end of a swimming pool aged 11. I’m over 40 now and have been water phobic ever since.

Your poor daughter. I’d be apoplectic.

Babies won’t remember swimming at that age. Pointless. If they enjoy it, fine. If not, don’t sweat it.

I took ds swimming from 4. He didn’t have the attention span or skill. Left it a couple of years and started him at 7 in one to one lessons. He swims like a fish now, aged 12.

Taking babies swimming means literally nothing in their swimming development.

My mother took me in the pool as soon as possible after I had had my vaccinations. I was certainly under six months old. Other children were in there from six weeks. Mum and Dad would take me several times a week; we lived abroad and spending the day at the club pool was a normal way to spend time. Nothing whatsoever to do with skill or attention span 😂 - we just never learned a fear of the water (which apparently starts around 2 years old, I've been told) and had fun, learning that we could float and play around. I could swim better underwater than I could above, in only a natural doggy paddle way. We simply explored this element. Lessons to learn actual strokes were only later, around primary school. We learned not to be afraid of water and that we would survive in it, and that it was fun. We later learned to swim off ships, so in much deeper water than a pool. No, I didn't have the attention span or skill for swimming lessons but we weren't having lessons, just learning to enjoy the water naturally, and that is one of the best things a child could learn - to be safe and confident in the water, even if they can't swim an actual formal stroke. Just take your children and let them built their confidence at their own pace with enjoyment. Formal lessons can wait.