Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to open DHs post?

97 replies

DMPI · 06/08/2019 20:14

DH and I have been married for several years, lived together for even longer, have a happy and loving marriage.

We have had a disagreement on if it’s ok to open each other’s post though. I don’t see a problem with it seeing as we are married, we know each other’s passcodes to our phones (although I don’t go on his phone and as far as I’m aware he doesn’t look through mine), we know each other’s PIN numbers, we know each other’s email and social media passwords (again never felt the need to check). Have a joint bank account and credit card etc.

I got home from work before DH today and he had a letter, I opened it as it was in official brown envelope and it was his new driving licence. I left on dining room table for him then went out to the shops, came back and he was home and a bit moody. I asked what was wrong and he said he didn’t want me opening his post again!

I apologised and said I didn’t realise it was an issue and I wouldn’t care if he opened mine. I said I wouldn’t open his post again and he calmed down a bit but said it was an invasion of privacy and something his ex used to do (she was paranoid and jealous though).

I’m still struggling to see why it’s an issue, I like that we have an open and honest marriage and I’m just wondering why it bothered him so much.

OP posts:

HJWT2 · 06/08/2019 20:16

@DMPI It pisses me of when DH opens my mail, no particular reason! Just that I like to open it myself 😁😁😁

Nicknacky · 06/08/2019 20:16

Why do you need to open it? Is he not entitled to his privacy?

FuzzyPuffling · 06/08/2019 20:18

My DH and I never open one another's post, look at each other's phones, know each other's passwords etc.
As individuals we are entitled to our own lives and privacy.

Although it wouldn't matter in material terms if my DH opened my post (nothing to hide) he wouldn't do it and I would be horrified if he did.

I'm with your DH here,.

moonpiggle · 06/08/2019 20:18

Yep I hate my partner opening my mail too! It really fkn annoys me as I dont open his. Simple.

WorraLiberty · 06/08/2019 20:18

I don't think it really matters why it bothers him.

He's told you it does and you've said you won't do it again.

I must admit, I like the pleasure of opening my own post even if it is normally just bills

Kpo58 · 06/08/2019 20:19

My DH used to open my post when we were first going out. I put pay to that quickly. It is a big invasion of privacy. I like opening my post and I know that if it is sealed, I haven't yet dealt with it. If there are random letters opened, I wouldn't know what I have seen and what I haven't.

Sometimes things are personal and you don't want to share it with others, such as bank statements, medical appointments and birthday presents for other people.

Riv · 06/08/2019 20:20

Maybe because it really is an invasion of privacy, not to mention being illegal?

Thehop · 06/08/2019 20:20

I would hate this too, sorry

browzingss · 06/08/2019 20:21

It’s his mail - addressed to him, not you, he doesn’t need to justify why he doesn’t want you opening his mail! It’s okay for some things to be private you know.

Sort of reminds me of parents who insist on opening their late teens/adult children’s mail, bank statements etc - it’s just an invasion of privacy even if you live together and aren’t snooping or intending to do anything nefarious.

MrsMozartMkII · 06/08/2019 20:22

It's addressed to him. It's his. Leave it alone.

adaline · 06/08/2019 20:23

YABU.

I wouldn't be impressed with this. Sometimes DH has text me to say "there's a letter from X here for you" and I've asked him to see what it is, but I wouldn't be happy if he just decided to open it without asking.

CarrieBlu · 06/08/2019 20:24

I open my husband’s mail now (with his agreement) because he never bothered opening it before and it would pile up and we were missing out on important letters and information. So we chatted about it and he just asked me to open and sort through it to make sure we stay on top of everything.

However, I’d be annoyed if he opened mine without asking me first, as there’s no need for him to do it, I’m organised and like to open and sort my own post.

We are also a couple who share phones, iPads, emails, but we're doing that with each other’s knowledge and agreement. Opening someone else’s private documents without discussing it with them first isn’t fair.

Original poster

DMPI · 06/08/2019 20:25

@Riv well fingers crossed my DH does not call the police on me

OP posts:

PanamaPattie · 06/08/2019 20:26

It's disrespectful and illegal. You seem to have issues with trust. Leave his post alone.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/08/2019 20:26

YABU.
This would really wind me up. Unless I've specifically asked DH to look out for something for me I would not want him to open post. I have nothing to hide but I am a person in my right and my mail is mine!

I think the question though is more not why he would want you to, but why you think you should?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2019 20:26

My husband and I have joint everything, share everything, and trust each other completely. However, we are still entitled to our privacy. We have never searched each others phones, computers, wallets, bags, or opened post that isn't our own. Unless you have permission, you are 100% in the wrong.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2019 20:26

So why do you open it?

TixieLix · 06/08/2019 20:27

The thing is OP, if you go through his phone, you're probably seeing stuff he's already read himself. By opening his letters you're not giving him the chance to be the first one to read the contents and if it's addressed to him he should get first look. He probably wouldn't mind you seeing it after, but allow him to open it first. It's just courtesy.

frangipanflowers · 06/08/2019 20:28

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest!

Original poster

DMPI · 06/08/2019 20:29

I just opened it without thinking really, I don’t have trust issues with my DH probably being nosy more than anything but as I’ve said I’m not going to open a letter of his again

OP posts:

TheFaerieQueene · 06/08/2019 20:30

I wouldn’t ever open my DH’s mail. It isn’t mine.
He wouldn’t open mine either. I can’t imagine why anyone would think it is a reasonable thing to do. Being married doesn’t give you the right to invasion of privacy.

Batshittery · 06/08/2019 20:31

YABVU

What does it matter that you have a happy and loving relationship? He is still entitled to open his own mail.

I would be annoyed if my DH did this. Not because I have anything to hide, but I am an adult and I can manage my own mail.

Starlight456 · 06/08/2019 20:31

I don’t open my 12 year olds post .

I wouldn’t want anyone opening mine .

I don’t expect anyone to open my post or go in my bag without my permission.

JeNeBaguetteRien · 06/08/2019 20:31

YABU, it doesn't matter if you wouldn't mind if he opened your post, he prefers to open his own post.
At most if one of us is away for work or holiday we'll tell the other that a letter from HMRC or Santander bank has arrived and if we're expecting something the addressee might ask the other to open it.

I'd be really pissed off if DH did this and so would he be.

knickerthief1 · 06/08/2019 20:31

I open all my DH's post. In fairness if I don't he never opens it and it just sits getting ignored. A bit like the car recovery letter he didn't open which led to a £350 recovery bill!! He totally relies on me to sort his mail. I'd hate him opening my post though as I really enjoy opening post! My point is that it's very much a personal preference!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread